A Tongue A Day Keeps The Gossip At Bay?

Longmont, Colorado – I know squat about Santeria, and I am too damn lazy and uninterested to research it, but, due to some recent lip flappin’ and tongue waggin’ going on, I thought this story would make a lovely addition to the front page. Last Saturday, Longmont police were called out on a report of a suspicious package that had been found buried in a small hole in a rural cornfield. The item was wrapped in black plastic and secured with yellow nylon ropes. Playing it safe, the LPD called in the bomb squad and had the item x-rayed. Satisfied there was nothing in the package that would go boom, they unwrapped it. It was a cow tongue. Oddly enough, the tongue had been stitched up -  when the sutures were untied, authorities found some pepper, a picture, and a note written in Spanish. Officers believe that it may have been part of a ritual, either a Santeria ritual or a hoodoo ritual. I have no friggin’ idea what the difference is between the two, and again, I’m not gonna look. Anyway, it is believed this particular cow tongue was used in some kind of shut yo’ trap ritual. Meaning, whoever procured the tongue filled it with pepper, a note, and a pic, trudged out to a rural cornfield, dug a small hole and buried the nasty thing, really wanted someone to quit gossiping and shut the fuck up. (Personally, I’ve always found a quick punch to the throat will do the same thing). Authorities are trying to identify the person in the photograph so they can warn them about possible crazy-ass cow tongue hoodoo rituals. It is unlikely that the corn field digger will face any charges. Now, I’m off to the grocery store for a little package of Shut The Fuck Up – be back later. [Read more...]

Janice McCarl Is A Pain In The Ass

Longmont, CO–This is a public service announcement from your friends here at the Dreamin’ Demon. Warning to all men: Do not invite Janice McCarl to your home for a barbecue and drinks. You might just end up like our unlucky victim, Mr. X–drugged and anally penetrated.

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Stevie Marchand: Huff Huff, Spark Spark, BOOM!

The car says, “Owww.”

Stevie Marchand’s Myspace

Longmont, CO  - Stevie Marchand, 18, and two 16-year-old girls were sitting in Stevie’sStevie reviews stepbrother’s car on Thursday afternoon.  They weren’t bothering anybody, just minding their own business, huffing the fumes off two cans of aerosol – one mango-pineapple, one strawberry-raspberry.  One of the girls got a little high and decided it was a good time to light up a cigarette.   That’s where the BOOM! comes in. [Read more...]