Skokie, IL — The pleasant looking woman you see to the left is 51-year-old Elaine Cook – she’s behind bars on a $100,000 bond for allegedly biting off a significant chunk of her boyfriend’s tongue. Yum.
According to prosecutors, Cook and her 47-year-old boyfriend of 10 months had just returned home after a Valentine’s Day date when shit got ugly.
After arguing, Cook demanded that her boyfriend vacate the premises. He tried to oblige, but made the mistake of trying to kiss and make up before leaving.
“He told her they should stop fighting and went to kiss her,” Assistant State’s Attorney Eve Reilly said, “and she bit off a large portion of his tongue.”
The man ran to the kitchen sink. Cook followed, prosecutors say, and placed the chunk of mouth meat in her hand and tossed it on the kitchen counter. Nonchalantly, I’m sure. Dude put the severed tongue in a bag of ice and called 911.
Cook’s been booked on charges of aggravated domestic battery.
Unfortunately for the boyfriend, due to an “inadequate blood supply,” the tongue could not be reattached.…Continue Reading
Jacksonville, Florida – According to the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office, 24-year-old Allen Blair Casey got sick of his boyfriend listening to Alanis Morissette’s songs and decided to beat him in the face with a plate.
According to Casey, “That is all the motherfucker listens to.”
I know, bro. I know. Sadly, I was in the Girl Scouts and in 1996, those bitches listened only to Shakira. THREE DAYS of Shakira ONLY. Took every ounce of willpower I had to not drown them all in the damned lake.
When police arrived at the apartment the two share, they found the 33-year-old victim had suffered a large cut to the left side of the face.
When questioned about the injury, Casey simply stated, “I hit him in the face.”
Casey now faces a charge of domestic battery causing bodily harm.
Police have reason to believe both men were on amphetamines and/or methamphetamines at the time of the alleged incident.
No record of what song or album the victim had listened to enough times to cause the man to faceplate him, or whether it was still playing by the time police arrived.…Continue Reading
Police say Robert Bodiddlie Ball, 49, invited his estranged wife Janet over to his place Monday in the hopes of fixing their broken marriage.
Much to his dismay, Janet admitted that after 32 years together, she was no longer in love with him. *sob*
Instead of chuckin’ the whole thing in the fuckit buckit and moving on, Ball got all kinds of violent, reportedly punching the woman in the head and pocketing her car keys and cell phone to prevent her from leaving or calling for help.
After roughing her up a bit, Ball apparently whipped out a knife and forced her to sit and watch TV with him for a bit, repeatedly threatening to kill her if she gave him any trouble.
At about 5:00 p.m. that evening, police say Ball forced Janet to drive to Golden Corral, where he treated her to an endless buffet of less-than-fresh food and a side of food poisoning.…Continue Reading
Police responded to the home the alleged eyeball gouger shares with his uncle at about 10:00 Saturday evening. The unidentified 62-year-old victim was found at the bottom of the basement stairs with his hands stretched out in front of him, saying, “Please help. I cannot see.”
According to police, the victim had “blood streaming from both eyeballs, covering his face below his eyes. Both of his eyeballs were swollen, dislocated and were protruding approximately a quarter-inch from the eye sockets.”
The man told police he and his nephew, 32-year-old Exulam Holman, had been arguing over the remote right before shit got bloody.
In a fit of anger, Holman reportedly threw the remote to the ground, breaking it, and shoved the older man to the floor. He then straddled the victim, inserted his thumbs into the man’s eyes and attempted to pry them from their sockets.…Continue Reading
Police responded to the family’s home on November 22, where they made contact with pair’s 42-year-old mother. The woman, bloodied, swollen and bruised, told deputies the proverbial shit hit the fan soon after she threw out several cans of Bud Light she had found in her refrigerator. She tossed the beer, she said, because her daughter, 20-year-old Brittany Ferguson, was not of legal drinking age. This apparently angered Brittany and her brother, 18-year-old Lindell Ferguson, and the two jumped their mother and an unidentified 47-year-old male who also lived in the home.
Neither adult suffered serious injuries, and neither required hospitalization.
Brittany and Lindell fled the scene shortly after the beating, but were arrested five days later. Both remain behind bars in lieu of $10,000 bail.
Should’a kept the beer and tossed the kids……Continue Reading
Fort Myers, FL — Elijah Paul Love, 24, was arrested Saturday after police say he violently attacked his girlfriend in the parking lot of the Lee County Courthouse when she arrived to pick him up from jail. Because, you know, nothing says, “Thanks for the ride, babe!” quite like an ass kickin’.
Autumn Livingston, Love’s live-in girlfriend of five whole months, told police the recently released Love just “went crazy” after the two argued in the parking lot.
First, she said, Love threw her keys across the lot. When she exited the vehicle to retrieve them, Love allegedly grabbed her by the back of the neck and slammed her into the car. Love, with a cast on his arm, then reportedly proceeded to get all choky – putting the woman in a headlock and using his cast to take her breath away. Love’s a bitch, eh?
After a quick jab to Love’s nuts, the woman was able to break free and make a run for it. She ran toward the courthouse entrance and Love took off running across the street.…Continue Reading
Naples, FL — At first glance, one might think that 22-year-old Jorge Silva would be damn lucky to convince one woman to sleep with him – hint: eyebrows – so to think he totally blew his chance at baggin’ two women at once, well…that’s Dreamin’ Demon material.
Silva was booked on battery charges Sunday after he reportedly got all kinds of violent before the planned ménage à trois with his wife and another woman even made it to second base.
Silva’s wife told deputies that her husband “freaked out” and started hitting her when the three of them began kissing. The wife said she and the other woman then beat feet into the bedroom and locked the door behind them. Silva reportedly managed to bust through the flimsy ass door and proceeded to pummel his wife. At one point, police say Silva picked up a television and swung it at the wife “like a bat.” After hitting her with the televison a couple of times, Silva dropped it on her. He then reportedly armed himself with another television and threw it at her.…Continue Reading
Aaron Hostetler, 21, was booked on domestic battery charges Thursday for allegedly roughing-up his girlfriend after she thwarted his half-assed suicide attempt.
According to the arrest affidavit, Hostetler, reportedly despondent over an imminent break-up with the girlfriend, did his best to make it appear as if he wanted to die by swallowing a handful of pills. The girlfriend, presumably assuming said pills were sleeping pills, attempted to intervene. For her effort, Hostetler allegedly “slammed” her and pushed her to the ground.
The damn drama queen later told deputies the “sleeping pills” were actually Flintstone Chewable Vitamins. Yabba-Dabba Dumbass.
Charged with one count of misdemeanor domestic battery, Hostetler posted $4,250 bond and was released. He’s due back in court on December 6.…Continue Reading
Peoples, apparently enraged about a missing bag of Halloween candy, reportedly stabbed 49-year-old Maria Adams multiple times Monday night. I kinda have to wonder if maybe “candy” is code word for “crack” in this case…
Police say that at some point during the bloody argument, a plate was thrown and Peoples suffered a cut over his eye. After receiving treatment for the cut, Peoples was booked on charges of attempted murder and aggravated domestic battery.
Adams was pronounced dead Saturday evening. Charges are expected to be upgraded after the results of the autopsy are released.
Police have not yet identified the particular brand of candy that led to the fatal stabbing. If it was DumDums or some shit like that, dude deserves the chair…like, right now. Rolos or RPBCs? Justifiable.
Peoples has been ordered held on $2 million bail.…Continue Reading
East Naples, FL — Ian Stuart Wood, 50, was taken into custody over the weekend after police say he attacked his wife during a rather heated game of Yahtzee. And you know what? I can’t believe I just used the words “heated” and “Yahtzee” in the same damn sentence.
According to police, Wood and the wife were playing the popular (?) dice game Saturday evening when an argument broke out. The wife, hoping to cool off a bit, attempted to leave the residence. At that point, police say, Wood pushed her to the floor.
Once he had her down, Wood reportedly pushed his knee into her back and placed his hand over her mouth, ordering her to cease and desist with the screaming. The woman told police Wood then rolled her over and started getting all chokey…chokey to the point she couldn’t breathe.
The woman somehow manged to escape to a neighbor’s home to call police.
When police arrived on scene, they found several broken dishes and an extremely belligerent and argumentative Wood.…Continue Reading
Joliet, IL — An unidentified 44-year-old man called police early Friday morning to report that he had been jumped by a couple of “booty-call ninjas.”
It all started when the man called his ex-girlfriend and asked her to come over and ride the baloney pony just like old times. He should have known something was up when she agreed…..
The ex-girlfriend, 29-year-old Katherine Casarez, texted the victim a short time later and told him to meet her in a nearby alley. Obviously thinking with the smaller of his two heads, the man obliged.
As the victim was walking towards the woman’s vehicle, a screaming masked man appeared out of nowhere and started swinging a pair of nunchuks, landing a direct hit on the victim’s head. At that point, Casarez grabbed her own set of nunchuks from her vehicle and started beaning the man as well.
When police arrived on scene, they found the man “drenched in blood.” Also found at the scene were two throwing stars – one of them was embedded in a telephone pole.…Continue Reading
Spring Hill, FL — Matthew Emerson Penix, 32, was jailed Wednesday night after he allegedly threw a knife at his fiancée during an argument. More impressive than his skills at debate are his aim. He cut her ear with that knife throw. Damn.
The Hernando County Sheriff’s Department responded at approximately 7 p.m. to Penix’s home. There, the victim told them that Penix had thrown a knife at her head and called her a “skank,” according to an arrest affidavit.
Deputies said Penix admitted to throwing the knife at his fiancée, but ‘didn’t mean to hurt her.’ Penix added that he threw the knife because the victim “would not leave him alone,” according to investigators.
Penix was charged with domestic battery and transported to the Hernando County Jail where he is being held without bond.…Continue Reading
According to the arrest affidavit, the proverbial shit hit the fan soon after Presutti accused his wife of having an affair. At one point during the heated argument, Presutti reportedly yelled, “I want to kill you and the children.”
The crusty old codger headed for the garage with his wife at his heels. Once there, Presutti allegedly pushed the woman to the floor and retrieved a gun from a nearby desk. The woman said her husband pointed the weapon at her, drew the slide back and said, “Now I want to kill you.”
The woman told police she ran from the garage, grabbed the couple’s two young sons and went to the bedroom where she called 911.
When police arrived, the gun was found in the garage with four rounds inside, the hammer pulled back and the safety mechanism in the off position.…Continue Reading
Glenwood, IL — Prosecutors say 38-year-old Hugo Dominguez and his girlfriend are facing aggravated domestic battery charges for routinely chaining his 13-year-old son to a dryer and beating the boy with a multitude of items.
The alleged abuse was brought to light last week after police received a call from Brookwood Junior High School. When officers arrived at the school, they found the teen to be suffering from a large laceration to his left elbow, bruising on a large portion of both arms, lash marks on his lower and middle back and marks on his lower legs.
The boy told police his father kept him chained to the dryer most nights and ordered him into the garage before school each morning. The teen claimed to have been beaten by both his father and his live-in girlfriend with items ranging from a broken ax handle to a bamboo back scratcher. He also told police his father recently got all stabby with a knife.
A search of the couple’s home revealed the items in question, as well as a chain attached to the washing machine in a laundry room.…Continue Reading
Punta Gorda, Florida — Jerome Nubin has been charged with sexual battery on a 12-year-old, aggravated assault, kidnapping and domestic battery after an incident that happened Wednesday morning.
Police say the 32-year-old man forced his girlfriend to watch him sexually assault her 12-year-old daughter three times. Prior to assaulting the child, Nubin allegedly slapped and punched the mother and threatened both the mother and child with a baseball bat. The child’s grandfather is the one who actually contacted the sheriff’s office. He indicated that Nubin threatened him with a bat and threw bricks, a child’s scooter and a lamp at him.
The child told detectives that Nubin sexually battered her while she was in her mother’s bedroom with her mother present. Detectives said the child and the mother were held against their will by Nubin, who used verbal threats and a baseball bat. According to the press release, Nubin told the girl to take her clothes off or he would cut her throat. He then raped her three times.
Nubin is being held in the Charlotte County Jail without bond.…Continue Reading
Fort Pierce, FL – Jorge Armando Alvarez-Hernandez, 26, was arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge late last month after he reportedly spanked his girlfriend’s ass “really hard” because she failed to “service him properly.” According to the offense report (page 1, 2 and 3), Officer David Leigh responded to the trailer home Hernandez shares with his live-in girlfriend on December 26, and was met by the complainant, the victim’s brother-in-law. The unidentified male held up a cell phone for Officer Leigh to see – the picture depicted on the device was of a woman’s ass – an ass sporting a large hand print and welts. The man told the officer that it was his sister-in-law’s ass and the hand-print and welts were left there by her boyfriend, Mr. Hernandez. The man refused to supply the officer with a written and signed statement, though, claiming he didn’t want the sis-in-law to get mad at him. Officer Leigh was unable to positively identify the ass in the picture…it was just an ass, no face.…Continue Reading
Martin County, FL – Police were called to the home of 32-year-old Fernando Guzman Cruz last week after receiving a complaint about a domestic assault. They made contact with the complainant, his 51-year-old wife, who reported Fernando was “enraged because she ate all the French fries.” That will get you stabbed in my house. Anyway, an intoxicated Fernando reportedly yelled at her, cussed at her, and started throwing their belongings around the trailer. He then picked up a 12″ wooden bat and started swinging but missed. The woman said she attempted to leave the trailer three times, but he locked the door and threw her on their living room bed. Once she was down, Fernando allegedly popped her in the foot and calf with his little sissy bat. He has been arrested and booked on charges of false imprisonment with a weapon, domestic battery and domestic assault. A bond amount has not yet been made available. This is the 5th time in two years that Fernando has been picked up for domestic assault, and this is the 5th time his wife has refused to press charges.…Continue Reading
Gainesville, FL - According to police, Johnnie Hutchinson and his wife, Dorothy, were arguing early Sunday morning when Dorothy reportedly threatened to douse her hubby with hot grease if he didn’t leave her alone. I guess he didn’t and she made good on her threat. As Dorothy approached him with a pan of hot grease, Johnnie allegedly picked up one of his four sleeping grandchildren and used him as a human shield. No matter – Dorothy tossed the grease anyway. The child, just 10-months-old, sustained second-degree burns on his right leg and stomach. Another sleeping grandchild got caught in the crossfire as well and suffered first- and second-degree burns under his left eye and on the left side of his face. As of right now, no one knows if the children are still hospitalized, if the children lived with their grandparents, or if all four grandchildren would be placed in state custody or returned to their parents. Dorothy, 51, has been charged with charged with felony aggravated domestic battery and child neglect.…Continue Reading
Spring Hill, FL – For the past eight months or so, 18-year-old Jessica Duhaime and her infant son have been staying with Mark Agostino and his family…and the brat apparently wore out her welcome this past Monday. Agostino told police he has been trying to help the young mother, but he and his family had grown tired of her attitude and after a heated argument, told her she had to kick rocks. When Jessica’s mother arrived at the home to collect the brat and her spawn, police say the raging teen stormed out of the house and threw her 9-month-old son to the ground. While everyone was checking on the child, Duhaime started throwing containers of baby food onto the driveway. She then slid into her mother’s van through the passenger door, climbed into the driver’s seat and hit the gas, ramming the vehicle into the back of Agostino’s 2006 Nissan and causing nearly $1,000 in damage. Her little tirade wasn’t quite over – when her mother started yelling at her for being a rotten little shit, Jessica got out of the van and punched her in the chest.…Continue Reading
Muncie, IN - Relationships are so bi-polar…one day it’s all happiness, love and joy…the next it’s all head-butting, name-calling and shit smearing. It’s during a break-up that a person’s true self shines through. Take Brett McDonald, for instance. Scorned, he allegedly broke into his girlfriend’s apartment last Saturday and ransacked the place. Still unsatisfied, he took his temper tantrum to another level and smeared his own shit all over the walls. Seems to me his true self is a tad psychotic. The girlfriend returned to the apartment in the middle of Brett’s little pity party and was attacked as she collected her children from the babysitter in a neighboring apartment. While she was holding her toddler daughter, Brett allegedly headbutted the woman in the face, breaking her nose. Psycho coward that he is, he ran away before the cops showed up. The cops caught up with him on Monday – he was hiding beneath a pile of clothing in his wife’s closet. Yeah, dude is a keeper. …Continue Reading