Louisville, KY – James Crittenden, 46, was arrested on Saturday and charged with arson after allegedly setting a convenience store toilet seat on fire.
Police were called to the Speedway convenience store by employees who had confronted Crittenden in the restroom. No word on any accelerant used, but I’m inclined to believe that toilet seats are not inherently flammable. One can only hope that it was a fecal fire. According to the police report, Crittenden told store employees that he lit the fire “for religious reasons.”
Police arrested Crittenden, who was, at the time of the arrest, screaming obscenities and threatening officers. He was booked on charges of arson, disorderly conduct, and public intoxication.
Anyone who can point me in the direction of a religion that compels its followers to light toilet seats on fire should contact me immediately. I am interested in joining, provided that it does not forbid masturbatory OCD “sufferers.”
Crittenden was also arrested on July 25th for allegedly huffing ten cans of Redi-Whip inside a ValuMarket at Mid City Mall, a store from which he’d previously been banned for burglary and disorderly conduct. …
Brink, who was a guest in a house at 65 Arnold Way, was way horny this weekend. Now, I think it’s pretty rude for any host to allow a guest to go sexually frustrated, but it apparently happens on occasion. That must be why Brink reportedly walked to a neighboring house and pounded on the front door, announcing that he wanted to have sex with the homeowner’s wife. He is not believed to have known that homeowner, nor his wife, which makes his proposal slightly out of the ordinary outside the state of Florida.
Brink left the home without attempting to break in, which leads me to believe that he did not deserve the anonymous sex he was seeking anyway. When he returned to 65 Arnold Way, the object of his affections called the police.
When officers arrived, they reportedly found Brink highly intoxicated, obnoxious, and violent. They say that he attempted to bite them and spit at them, which is no way to treat law enforcement officers unless you want to wind up looking like Brink’s mugshot. …
Portland, OR – Jamie Todd Hensler, 40, who had been booked on charges of assault, harassment, disorderly conduct and reckless endangering earlier this year, is facing new charges of misuse of a drinking fountain, indecent exposure and disorderly conduct after allegedly exposing himself and washing his genitals in a public park’s water fountain in the presence of children.
Witnesses report that Hensler had been attempting to engage children at the park in conversation and, at some point, threw a water balloon in their general direction. It’s unclear what prompted his next act, which was reportedly to drop his pants to his ankles and begin washing his junk in the water fountain, though I strongly suspect that the “water balloon” may have been filled with another type of liquid and that the inflation technique had proven far from flawless.
“He was bathing in the drinking fountain and had his pants down around his ankles and he was totally exposing himself,” said witness Michael Koopman. “Once I saw that I asked the teacher to bring the kids inside.”
Hensler was soon arrested on the charges mentioned above and banned from the park. …
As is evident by the title, this isn’t Marshall’s first go-round with the police or a stuffed animal – this is his fourth time he’s been busted for buggerin’ a stuffed bear.
According to the fine folks over at The Smoking Gun, Marshall was first arrested in February of 2010, after witnesses reported seeing him going to town on a teddy bear in the men’s room of a public library. That charge prompted a judge to ban Marshall from all public libraries in Hamilton County.
He was slapped with similar charges in November of that year. The arresting officer in that particular case noted on the police report that Marshall’s public indecency with a teddy bear had been an “ongoing problem.”
He was arrested once more in August of 2011. Police accused him of masturbating with a teddy bear in a place where minors were likely present.…
Meet Lonneshia Shafaye Appling – the 340-pound, 26-year-old woman was recently busted with a bag of pilfered goodies outside an Athens Piggly Wiggly supermarket.
According to the charging documents, another customer inside the store informed employees that she had witnessed Appling concealing numerous grocery items in a canvas bag as she perused the aisles.
When Appling approached the cash register and placed just one item on the belt, the employee questioned her about the other items allegedly concealed in her bag. And with that, Appling made a mad dash for the exit.
Employee Johnathon Orr was right on her heels, though, and when he attempted to stop the heifer from leaving the premises, he was rewarded with a dose of pepper spray to the face. When that didn’t take Orr down, Appling reportedly delivered a right hook and a loogie.…
Witnesses said John Daniels, 43, drove his motorcycle into Sportsman’s Bar through the opened front door just before 7 p.m. Saturday and asked if anyone wanted to fight.
While bar employees tried to push the motorcycle outside, Daniels reportedly got off the bike and began fighting with employees and other patrons. Sheriff’s police were called to the bar for ‘a large fight in progress.’
Police arrested Daniels on a battery and disorderly conduct charges
and an additional charge of felony mugshot grimacing. Police also arrested Thomas Hines, 47, who told police that he began fighting alongside Daniels because ‘everyone attacked [him].’
Hines was also charged with battery and disorderly conduct charges. Additional charges against both men for unlawful possession of douchey facial hair and felony resisting middle age are presumably still pending.…
Bridgeton, NJ — In response to presumed claims of police brutality by local news media, the Chief of Police in Bridgeton New Jersey has declared as justified the use of pepper-spray to subdue a woman at a 7-Eleven. Police took the opportunity to provide additional details of the tense situation that existed at the time of the incident.
Bridgeton Police Chief Mark Ott said that a panic alarm was activated a 7-Eleven on West Broad Street at 3:05 a.m. An
armed response team officer was immediately dispatched to the scene.
The responding officer reported that – as he pulled into the parking lot – he saw Brittany C. Glanville, 25, ‘wing’ an item at the head of the clerk on duty. The police report lauded the intended victim by saying “with quick reflexes the clerk was able to snatch the item out of the air and avoid being hit.” As the officer began to enter the store, he described Glanville attempting to climb over the counter to reach the clerk. She was subdued and arrested.…
Barrington, IL – It’s nothing I haven’t done. You see a couple of teenage girls out in bad weather and you do the neighborly thing and offer them a ride home. But, if you are a male in the Barrington area, such thoughtfulness is ill-advised and, according to the local prosecutor, downright illegal… even if you have great hair.
It was during a March 2nd snow storm that the man pictured left, Rodney Peterson, had stopped for gas at a Shell station. While there, he noticed two teen girls leaving. “I just noticed these girls, that they had no umbrella, no coats or hood or something of that nature and I just felt like I should help,” Peterson recalled. So, he did what any decent person (or opportunistic predator) would do and pulled up to offer them a ride. “How far do you have to walk?” he asked before one said, “We’re okay,” and signaled him to move along.
The father of three (with a fourth on the way) continued home to his family and thought little of the encounter. …
Bridgeport, CT – Former Stamford police officer, Paul Mabey, 43, pleaded no contest to disorderly conduct after having been charged for showing a photo of his penis to women during traffic stops.
According to police, on May 21, 2010, Mabey conducted a traffic stop on a woman with her 21 month-old-baby in a car seat in the back. The reason for the stop… talking on her cell phone. Court documents describe Mabey pointing out to her almost immediately that her dress had ridden up her thighs. The woman apologized and rolled her dress down. She said that Mabey replied, “No. I like what I see.”
[Cue music] Boom chicka chicka wow wow…
Mabey would then be told by the woman that he was too old. [Music stops abruptly]
“I’m only 40. That’s not old, it’s experienced,” she quoted Mabey in her formal complaint as saying.
After taking her license and registration to his car, Mabey reportedly came back and told her she should plead not guilty to the cell phone ticket and buy a hands-free device.…
Several women reportedly complained to police that a man in a silver vehicle was exposing himself on campus between the 16th and 22nd of February.
After an extensive investigation involving both campus security and local law enforcement, a potential suspect was identified. That suspect, 28-year-old Jacob Bovia, was arrested Friday after he was seen acting all suspicious-like while seated in his silver Honda Accord.
One thing led to another, and police soon discovered Bovia was in possession of fake genitalia. When questioned, Bovia reportedly admitted to “exposing” the fake junk while, presumably, keeping the real junk in his draws. And that, my friends, resulted in three counts of indecent exposure and two counts of disorderly conduct.…
Surveillance video of the bizarre incident shows 32-year-old Verdon Lamont Taylor exiting his vehicle in the store parking lot and stripping down to his birthday suit. He is then seen walking into the store all nekkid-like and approaching the customer service counter. It was there, police say, that Taylor found the socks in question, slipped them onto his feet and continued on his way through the aisles.
Police quickly arrived on scene, and after making contact with Taylor, were forced to subdue him with a stun gun. Once they had him strapped to a gurney, Taylor allegedly spat on the face of one of the officers.
Taylor has since been arraigned on charges of indecent exposure, aggravated assault, simple assault, retail theft, receiving stolen property and disorderly conduct, and ordered held on $50,000 cash bail.
No word on whether mental illness, drugs or alcohol were involved.…
According to Lee deputies, 28-year-old Alicia Martin, left, and her pal Kathryn Rayannic, 24, had run out of cash while getting plastered at The Waterfront restaurant Wednesday, and were offering to bare their boobies for beer money.
“We had five guys that were like, ‘Please, leave us alone,'” said waiter Shaun Bassett. “They actually went up to tables who had their wives there.”
Sadly, the two women had no takers at all.
“Basically when they were turned down, they kind of got a little rowdy,” Bassett said.
After receiving numerous complaints about their bawdy behavior, restaurant staff attempted to remove the pathetic souses from the premises. It was then that Martin allegedly responded by shoving a female employee into a wall. The alleged assault continued after the party exited the building, with Martin punching the same female employee in the back of the head.…
Erik Cain, 30, apparently got all kinds of slashy with his brother Wednesday evening after learning said brownie had been cut in half. Angered at the sight of the mutilated confection, Cain reportedly armed himself with three steak knives and went to work on his sibling, slashing the man on his forearm, wrist and shoulder.
The slashee, Gene Cain, told police he feared his brother was going to kill him, so he threw a television set at him in retaliation.
Cain was later arrested on charges of aggravated assault, simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment and disorderly conduct. Interestingly enough, police say Cain was out on bail on charges he had slashed his girlfriend last month.
Since I can’t seem to find any information on the victim’s condition, I have to assume the wounds were somewhat superficial. If anything, the man learned a very important lesson – never lay a finger on an unstable slasher’s chocolate.…
LA CROSSE, Wis. — A 22-year-old Viterbo University student is looking at some possible sexual assault charges after he smacked a female police officer’s ass and told her “good job.”
Andrew Kiel was at the Brothers Bar on Pearl Street early Sunday morning when he allegedly walked up to the female officer and slapped her ass while offering a critique of her job performance.
When he tried to the same thing to a male officer, that officer grabbed Kiel’s arm, handcuffed him and then booked him into the La Crosse County Jail on charges of fourth-degree sexual assault and disorderly conduct.
This reminds me of something that happened to me when I was a kid. We had a clubhouse in my backyard that hosted the fearsome neighborhood gang called the Black Widows, named after the gang in EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE.
We decided that while we were extremely cool and a force to be reckoned with, we definitely needed some chicks hanging around to make us even cooler. So we talked some of the neighborhood girls to come over and check out our digs.…
Chicago, IL — Edward Brown, 34, was busted last Thursday after reportedly exposing himself to a theater filled with parents and children watching “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.”
According to witnesses, about 30 minutes into the 4:00 p.m. showing, a butt nekkid Brown rose from his seat in the front row, faced the crowd of about 86 Chipmunk fans, stretched out his hands and displayed his package before returning to his seat.
A couple of police officers just happened to be patrolling nearby and Brown was taken into custody within minutes.
When questioned, Brown reportedly told officers that he had been allowed inside the movie theater for free by an unknown female who told him to take a seat in the front row, take off his clothes and wait for her, and they would have sex, smoke crack and do heroin. Great. Unknown bitch went and stole my line….
Brown is being held in the Cook County Jail in lieu of $100,000 bail, charged with three felony counts of sexual exploitation of children, aged 4, 6 and 6, one misdemeanor count of sexual exploitation of a minor aged 14, and one misdemeanor count of disorderly conduct.…
Grand Chute, WI — An unidentified Cheesehead was taken into custody Sunday after police say the inebriated woman grew angry and attacked her 11-year-old daughter because the Packers lost their first game of the season. To the *snortgiggle* Chiefs.
About five hours after the devastating loss, police were called to the Extended Stay Hotel where the woman was presumably staying with her husband and child. After making contact with the family, police learned the woman had been downing beer and vodka throughout the game.
According to the criminal complaint, the girl reportedly stepped forward and told police that while the Packers were losing, her mother grabbed her hair and choked her. The girl went on to say that after the Packers lost, her mother choked her again with enough force that she couldn’t breathe, asking her, “Do you want to die?” Red marks and scratches were apparently visible on the child’s neck.
The woman’s husband told police the woman also threw her dinner on the floor, broke a lamp and attempted to punch him in the face because she was upset about the game.…
Greenwich Village, NY — Back in October, Jaded posted a story about Rayon McIntosh, the 31-year-old McDonald’s cashier caught on video beating two female customers after they jumped the counter and attacked him. Yesterday, a grand jury dismissed all charges against him.
The incident happened one morning when Rachel Edwards and Denise Darbeau, both 24, tried to pay for their food with a $50 bill. The pair became irate when McIntosh told the women he needed to scan their bill for authenticity before he could give them their food. During the argument that followed, Darbeau leans over the counter and slaps McIntosh across the face.
The two women then make their way behind the counter to continue their confrontation with McIntosh, but he introduces the women to his little friend — a metal rod. McIntosh starts swinging for the fences and both women go down faster than your teen daughter on her date to the prom. By time it’s over both women are writhing on the greasy floor, one with a fractured skull, wondering what year it is.…
The incident began at around 3PM last Thursday, when the woman — who, at that time, was fully clothed — walked into Dragon China restaurant and demanded free food after finding the word “free” on the take-out menu.
“She asked the cashier, ‘Everything is for free?’ ” said the restaurant’s owner, Dajo Zhao. When told “no,” Zhou said that the woman then slammed her fingers down on the menu, while screaming, “Free! Free! Free! Free!”
Another customer reportedly told her that she was crazy. In an obvious bid to prove that person wrong, the disgruntled customer started throwing ‘everything she could get her hands on’ and ‘screaming with rage.’ She reportedly moved to the back of the restaurant, where she ‘pushed over equipment, threw food, and punched a chef.’
“I walked in and I saw an old lady trashing the place,” said Noreen Monier, who owns a nearby store.…