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SANTA ANA, CA – Police have arrested a man after he was accused of ejaculating into a female co-worker’s water bottles and her jar of honey.

Police were initially called after the victim sat her desk at work and touched her mouse which appeared to have been smeared with semen.

According to reports, 37-year-old Stevens Millancastro — a co-worker the woman has worked with for at least three years — was captured on a surveillance camera going into her office beforehand.

As to why there was a surveillance camera setup to record the victim’s office, it turns out the woman had experienced repeated instances of the water in her water bottles appearing to be contaminated with semen.

After complaining to her supervisor, a surveillance camera was setup to see if the owner of the semen could be identified. After watching the video of Millancastro going into the victim’s office before the sticky mouse incident, they felt they had their man and called police.

Fortunately, the woman never drank from the contaminated water bottles as she had thrown them out each time without ever having drinking from them.…

Stuart, FL — A 42-year-old man has been accused of punching his girlfriend, and striking her with a dildo, because she insulted his love making skills. *cough* whiskey dick! *cough*

Eric Pritsch was charged with battery following the incident, which was reported earlier this month.

According to the arrest affidavit, Pritsch’s girlfriend, 58-year-old Carol Favuzza, flagged down a deputy on February 7, and asked him to call police, as she had been assaulted. The officer apparently had to inform her he was the police.

Favuzza told the deputy Pritsch punched her in the face because, while they were copulating, she told him, “You’re not a man, you’re a mouse.”

Favuzza went on to say that Pritsch hit her in the back several times with a dildo and some sort of cord. The officer failed to find any marks on the woman’s back, but did notice swelling to her face. He also noticed the woman smelled strongly of alcohol.

Pritsch, also apparently shitfaced, denied striking the woman. According to him, he had been asleep for several hours.…

Daytona Beach, FL — Two grown ass men and a teenager were arrested Tuesday after allegedly beating a Navy Vet who asked them to stop torturing a turtle.

Gary Blough told police his wife had been walking outside with their toddler when she spotted the men knocking the turtle around.

Blough said the men were repeatedly slamming the turtle to the concrete, shell side down. He kindly asked them to stop, he said, and allow the turtle to get back to the water.

Unfazed, one of the little bitches, later identified as 18-year-old Johnnie Beveritt, reportedly picked up the turtle and threw it down on the sidewalk. The two other men, Ryan Ponder, 23, and a 16-year-old boy, kicked the turtle toward an apartment building away from the pond.

Blough then asked his wife to call police and attempted to rescue the injured turtle.

“They started hitting the back of my head and started punching me. I was able to fend off a little bit but I mean three of them, they got the better of me,” he said.…

Man Arrested After Stalking, Throwing Dog At Woman

February 11, 2017 at 8:33 pm by  

Lakeland, FL — Howard Van Sweringen has a name like an old timey cartoon villain and a police record after allegedly stalking a woman and tossing his dog at her.

Kristina Fuller, speaking with a reporter from WFLA, claims what started out as a normal Thursday morning quickly turned into a morning of OMGWTF. Basically.

Fuller was in the drop off line at Lakeland High, when an unfamiliar man cut in front of the line of school buses, blocking traffic, and waved her on and out. She waved a ‘thanks’ and went on her way.

After she pulled away from the school, she noticed the man was on her ass. Every corner she turned, there he was.

It was at a red light, she says, that shit took a turn for the bizarre.

“He got out of his vehicle, came up to my window and threw his dog on me. I thought it was going to bite me or something so I tossed the dog back at him. He got back in his vehicle and started hitting my truck, trying to push it into the intersection,” Fuller said.…

Albuquerque, NM — After basically feeding a neighbor’s Shih Tzu to a couple of pit bulls, 30-year-old Marvin Riley reportedly chuckled and told police, “it’s just something he does.”

Riley’s South Valley neighbors have reason to believe the man set out to terrorize the entire neighborhood Tuesday.

He started his reign of terror by kicking in the door of one neighbor’s home, then beating him profusely in the face with a pair of pliers.

He then ended up in Bernadette Salazar’s yard. He scooped up her lap dog, Charlie Brown, and threw him into another neighbor’s yard. The two pit bulls that live at the home then destroyed the little ball of floof.

The owners of the pit bulls tried to pull their dogs away, but it was too late. Salazar holds no ill will toward the owners of the pit bulls, they were as shocked and devastated as she was.

“They tried to protect my dog, they tried to, but it just happened too fast,” Salazar said.

Riley is being held without bond, in the infirmary at the Metropolitan Detention Center.…

Mackenzie FreemanLARGO, FL – Police have charged 25-year-old Mackenzie Freeman after he became angry about his mother’s dog eating his marijuana, and pushed her to the ground.

According to the police report, Freeman and his 57-year-old mother got into an argument after he found her pooch had scarfed an undisclosed amount of his cheeba.

Freeman got so angry that the 6’2″, 222-lb man-child punched holes in the wall, shoved his mother to the ground and hit her in the head with a pair of pants.

Police were called to the residence, but Freeman took off running when they arrived. After a brief chase, Freeman was apprehended and taken into custody.

After being read his rights, he “admitted to pushing his mother down and hitting her in the head with his pants” and said that she “deserved it.”

Freeman is now facing a domestic battery charge, which should sit nicely beside his past charges of theft, burglary, and narcotics possession.…

Shari WaltersAlbuquerque, NM — This lovely lass is facing multiple charges for allegedly poisoning her roommates’ food shortly after they learned she was shaggin’ their shepherds.

Shari Walters, 53, was charged Thursday with aggravated battery, cruelty or extreme cruelty to animals, and assault with intent to commit a violent felony.

According to the criminal complaint, one of Walters’ roommates called police a couple weeks ago to report she had been poisoned.

In the complaint, Walters’ roommate, Beverly Bradley, stated to police that she had witnessed Walters having sex with her German Shepherd, Spike, in a shed on the property. She was shocked, she told police, and returned to the house to wait for Walters.

When Walters walked into the home, she didn’t even try and deny that she had been screwing the pooch. Instead, she admitted to Beverly that she copulated with her dog. Multiple times. Furthermore, she also admitted she had been fucking dogs since she was 14. Hell, she even fucked her boyfriend’s German Shepherd, Jake. Multiple times.…

Jan HardingSouth Jordan, UT — A 67-year-old woman is listed in critical condition after sipping a sweet tea laced with lye at a Dickey’s Barbecue Pit restaurant.

Jan Harding was dining at the restaurant with her husband on Sunday, when she poured a glass of tea from a self-serve dispenser. After one sip, she began gagging and spit the liquid out.

I said, what is wrong?” recalled Jim Harding. “She said, ‘I just drank acid.'”

Jan was rushed to a local hospital, where it was determined that the burns were severe enough to warrant a trip to a burn unit. She was airlifted to the University of Utah’s burn unit and remains in critical condition with injuries to her mouth, throat and esophagus.

Police have determined an employee mistakenly added Clean Force Fryer Cleaner,” which contains lye, to the tea instead of sugar. The employee responsible for making the tainted tea could face charges of battery. If Harding happens to die because of the severity of her injuries, a charge of criminally negligent homicide.…

Cara ClaffyAlbuquerque, NM — Cara Claffy, 35, is being held at the Bernalillo County jail, charged with domestic violence and aggravated battery of a family member, after allegedly knocking her mother upside the head with a vibrator.

60-year-old Sheryl Claffy called police Sunday to report that her spawn struck her on the head with the device, leaving her bloodied, and was attempting to leave the residence they shared.

Mom told police she was just sitting there watching tv, when an argument between herself and her daughter erupted. It was then, she said, that Cara grabbed the electric vibrator and whacked her in the dome.

She pointed out a pickup truck sitting nearby, and informed officers that her daughter was inside. She wasn’t. The alleged weapon, however, was. An officer retrieved the vibrator from the floor of the vehicle. A detailed description of the device has not been made available.

Cara was apprehended after exiting a nearby home. She told officers she argued with her mother, but she didn’t harm the woman. In fact, Cara said, the old lady just came out of a room, all bloody and stuff, and informed her that she had hit herself in the head with the vibrator.…

Dollar Tree BeastHolly Hill, FL — A woman accused of shoplifting from a Family Dollar store and beating a store clerk is also accused of ordering a 7-year-old child to assist in the beating of said clerk.

The unidentified woman to the left entered the store at about 7:00 Wednesday evening, with two children in tow. The source article states the children, ages 1 and 7, were the women’s children, but police have yet to determine whether that’s fact.

While the woman was wandering through the store, placing items in her cart, a store clerk glanced over and watched as the woman removed a sale sticker from her purse and placed it on a toy.

At the register, the woman learned the item she placed the sticker on wasn’t on sale, and she declined the purchase. She then apparently walked out of the store with a bunch of crap in her basket that she hadn’t paid for.

The clerk, who I am sure makes minimum wage, therefore, shouldn’t give a flying fuck whether someone walked out of the damn store with half the inventory, followed. …

Juan GonzalezDavie, FL — A grieving father, angry over the death of his son in an alleged drunk driving accident, was arrested at the courthouse Monday after attempting to knock the stupid out of the man accused in the boy’s death.

On June 12, 2011, Juan Gonzalez Jr. was riding his motorcycle when he slammed into a Jeep Cherokee driven by John Powers. Police allege Powers was attempting to make a u-turn from northbound State Road 7 at Orange Drive. Gonzalez, who was traveling south, slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting the Jeep. The motorcycle skidded, slid on its side, and slammed into the Jeep. Gonzalez died from his injuries the next day.

A Davie police officer noticed the smell of alcohol on Powers’ breath, and several empty beer cans were found in his vehicle. He blew a 0.15, which is nearly twice the legal limit.

Powers was ultimately charged with DUI manslaughter and manslaughter with an unlawful blood alcohol level. He pleaded not guilty Monday. The Gonzalez family was in attendance at that hearing.…

Shawn HarvellIndianapolis, IN — Ya know,  the title alone tells an entire story, but since I love you people, I’ve decided to go ahead and elaborate. The 34-year-old gentleman to the left is facing numerous charges after a couple women complained to police that he was “swinging” his wiener at ’em.

A Metro officer was just kinda driving around doing what officers do Tuesday, when he was flagged down by two women.

One of the women reportedly told the officer that a man approached her from behind (giggity) and grabbed her by the arm. When she turned to look, she noticed the man had his dick out of his drawers and was “swinging it about in a rotary helicopter motion.” How the woman managed to resist jumping on that thing right then and there is a friggin’ mystery…..

The woman also told the officer the man claimed to have a gun and demanded that she come with him.

The man, later identified as Shawn Harvell, began “briskly” walking away when the women flagged the officer down.…

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