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Lorraine AugustineManchester, NH — A homeless woman believed to be suffering from some sort of mental illness was charged earlier this week after allegedly beating up a toddler outside a Market Basket grocery store.

The toddler’s mother, Krystan Lambert, told a reporter from WMUR she was walking out of the store with her 2-year-old daughter, Sonya, and another child she was babysitting, when she felt Sonya’s hand ripped from her grasp.

“All of a sudden my daughter’s on the ground crying and this woman’s reaching over, swinging at her, trying to hit her,” Lambert said.

That woman, identified as 47-year-old Lorraine Augustine, was swingin’ and refused to let up. Lambert said the woman started circling her, taunting her, trying to get at the child. Augustine apparently removed one of the child’s pink boots and attempted to beat her with it.

“She was swinging at her while I’m picking her up, trying to shield her with my body and trying to kick and push the woman away any time she got near me,” Lambert said.…

Travis SchellingPhoenix, AZ — A 35-year-old man is facing numerous charges after allegedly assaulting his girlfriend over a misunderstanding of how Facebook works.

According to police, Travis Schelling thought other men were sending direct messages to his girlfriend on Facebook anytime one of her friend’s posts popped up on her feed. And every time he read one of those messages, he hit her. In addition to the hitting, police say, Schelling also violently shook the woman by her hair, ripping it out in clumps. It is believed that Schelling also sexually assaulted her.

Police say he held his girlfriend captive from about 11:30 Friday night to 3:00 Saturday morning, threatening to kill her, her family and her friends if she dared alert authorities. The woman finally convinced Schelling that she wasn’t going to tell, and he released her at about noon on Saturday.

Police said the victim had bruising on her face, arms, legs and a cut and swollen lip when she reported the incident.

Schelling has been booked on charges of kidnapping, sexual abuse, aggravated assault, threatening and intimidation.…

Jenna MontgomeryPORTLAND, OR – Four teens are looking at some serious charges after being accused of kidnapping and torturing one of their classmates.

Police say during a snowstorm on February 10, Jenna Montgomery, 15, lured 16-year-old Dustin Murrain into a shed behind a house. Murrain told police he had met Montgomery earlier that day at David Douglas High School, where they both attended school.

According to Murrain’s account, once he walked into the shed he encountered three teen boys and realized he had fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book.

First he was struck in the head with a crowbar before being ordered to take off his shirt. Then 15-year-old Blue Kalmbach allegedly shot Murrain in the chest, groin and index finger with a BB gun. Kalmbach then carved a swastika into Murrain’s forehead with a box-cutter and forced Murrain to eat cat shit.

After having his iPod stolen, Murrain escaped the shed and fled to a nearby auto service shop for help. Police were called and Murrain was taken to OHSU Hospital for treatment.…

Ashley Marie PrenovostGlendale, AZ — A 24-year-old woman is facing several charges after allegedly pitching a fit and breaking stuff, and slightly injuring her infant, after her boyfriend refused to give her the D.

This may come as a surprise to none of you, but this isn’t the first time we’ve covered such a story. We got a beatin‘, a fish-hookin‘ and a dick bitin‘… just to name a few. Will you men never learn?

Anyway, police were called to the couple’s home Monday and found Ashley Marie Prenovost nekkid, bloody and drunk. It  is alleged that after the boyfriend refused coitus, Prenovost went on a rampage. Police say she punched a couple of holes in the bedroom wall and smashed a picture frame, causing injuries to both of her hands.

Then, for whatever reason, Prenovost picked up the four-month-old child she shares with her boyfriend, and began carrying her around the house, yelling and screaming and bleeding all over the place. At some point during the alleged tirade, the child’s head met a dresser.…

Man Goes Postal, Bites Mailman’s Leg

February 13, 2014 at 1:43 am by  

Robert KieferAkron, OH — This here is 25-year-old Robert Kiefer — he’s been accused of attacking a mailman, pepper spraying the dude and biting him multiple times, after a check he was expecting didn’t show.

According to the 56-year-old victim, when he learned the postman wasn’t delivering the aforementioned check, an agitated Kiefer snatched his pepper spray off his belt and squirted him in the eyes. This led to a wrestling match, of sorts, in the street. The mailman told police that while the two were struggling, Kiefer bit him on the leg three times.

The two were still at it when police arrived on scene. Kiefer still had a bit of fight left in him, and when officers tried to subdue him, he reportedly resisted. This earned him a pepper sprayin’.

The two were eventually pried apart and Kiefer was taken into custody. He was charged with assault and battery and resisting arrest, and was ordered held on $1,000 bond.

The mailman was treated at the scene for the bite wounds and a cut to the knee.…

imagesCinderford, England — A 45-year-old woman has been accused of assaulting her husband with toast and butter, and for nearly ripping his ear off, in a dispute over chores.

Now, before anyone gets their panties all in a wad and accuses me of mocking domestic violence victims, a disclaimer: Domestic violence is not a laughing matter… the manner in which it is carried out, though, can be quite hilarious. That said…

Julie Evans apparently got a little pissy with the hubby last year and his reported refusal to help out with the chores. As the man lay on the couch one evening, pretending to sleep, Evans doused him water. This had no effect. Evans ended up going to bed that night, still fuming.

The next morning, the woman started an argument. Cause, you know…. women. Authorities claim she threw a piece of toast at her beloved. The man, believing the woman to be quite petty, attempted to leave the room. It was then that Evans reportedly smeared butter on his face.…

Bryan AdamsOKEECHOBEE, FL — Bryan Adams, 31, is looking at some serious time in jail, along with a re-arranged face, after he abducted his son he believed was possessed by demons.

According to the police report, Adams showed up at his ex-wife’s workplace demanding her car keys. He told her he wanted their 11-year-old son and that he was seeing demons. She denied his request, and later told police she’d left Adams because of his heavy crystal meth usage.

Not taking no for an answer, Adams abducted his 11-year-old son from his bed at around 3 a.m. that morning and dragged him into some nearby woods. Adams told his son, who was clad only in his pajamas and a t-shirt, that he was possessed by a demon. “You are the demon.” Adams informed his son. “You know what I must do with you.”

Before anyone could find out exactly what Adams had in mind, police arrived with a K-9 unit and were able to quickly locate Adams and his son lying on the ground in the woods.…

clothes ironWOODLAND, WA – Teresa Hernandez is facing two counts of child abuse after the 35-year-old admitted to using a clothes iron to burn the hand of her boyfriend’s 3-year-old, then pushing him down a flight of stairs two days later.

The boy’s father was not at home during these assaults, but Hernandez explained to him that the burn on the boy’s hand came from him touching a hot iron after she had left the room. The boy’s father accepted this explanation, but took his son to the hospital two days later after noticing he was walking unsteadily.

Emergency room staff at Legacy Salmon Creek Hospital called police when they saw the third-degree burn on the back of the boy’s hand and found he was suffering from a severe head injury. The boy was taken to Randall Children’s Hospital where he underwent emergency surgery to treat his brain injury. As of Thursday morning, the boy was listed in fair condition.

When interviewed by police, Hernandez first repeated the “touched the iron” story she’d given the boy’s father.…

Man Accused Of Trying To Eat Neighbor’s Face Off

January 23, 2014 at 5:49 am by  

Bath Salt ZombieStPetersburg, FL — No, this is not a repeat….

Authorities claim 18-year-old Brandon Davis, apparently high on some sort of synthetic drug, attacked his neighbor early Sunday morning, biting the man on his face, hands and neck while yelling something about eating the man’s eyeballs.

The victim, 54-year-old Nick Sorace, told police he heard a commotion at about 2:00 a.m. Sunday, and when he looked out the window to see what all the fuss was about, he witnessed Davis beating a dog.

“He thought the dog was the devil,” Sorace said. “And then the next thing he sees is me, illuminated — and all of a sudden, I’m the devil.”

Davis apparently kicked in Sorace’s front door, chased a woman through the house and out the back door, then returned. He started beating and biting Sorace, continuing with his “You’re the Devil” spiel.

“He broke a flower pot over my head, he was sticking me in the neck with pieces…he stuck his thumb all the way in my eye socket and he just ripped my mouth and he bit my face.…

PepsiJersey City, NJ — A fight over the last can of Pepsi ended with one brother nursing some stab wounds and a lumpy melon, and another brother on the run from police.

According to the unidentified 50-year-old victim, he and his brother, Michael Charles, were watching the Niners get their asses handed to them by the Seahawks Sunday, when Michael went to grab the last can of Pepsi.

Michael, apparently a Niner fan, had been drinking steadily throughout the day and continued to grow more and more agitated as the game dragged on. When the alleged victim asked him not to drink the last soda, shit got violent.

Go fuck yourself,” Michael reportedly demanded. He then knocked his brother upside the dome with a metal pipe. Totally justified.

Michael then allegedly armed himself with a small knife and proceeded to stab his brother in the chest several times. In retaliation, the brother grabbed a knife and stabbed Michael in the arm. Sigh…. kinda makes me miss the family reunions I’m no longer invited to.…

William GolladayPUNTA GORDA, FL – Police have charged 77-year-old William Golladay with felony battery after he attacked a fellow Walmart shopper for having too many items in the express lane.

According to the police report, Golladay was in the express lane with two items, getting increasingly angry while on 65-year-old John Malherbe to purchase his 22 items – two items over the 20 item limit.

Malherte, who was in an motorized shopping cart after having knee surgery, said that Golladay first began loudly counting out each item Malherte had to purchase. He said Golladay became more enraged with each item, and began yelling at him.

At first Malherbe tried ignoring the man, but said he finally started yelling back when Golladay got in his face. “He kept screaming about too many groceries and stuff,” Malherbe said. “And I said, ‘What?’ I think it was the shock, of ‘What? Are you serious?’ And I kept asking my wife, ‘What?!’”

Golladay eventually went back to his shopping cart and used it to ram into Malherte, bruising his elbow.…

Bonita Lynn VelaFRANKLIN, IN – Bonita Lynn Vela is behind bars after she held an 18-year-old against his will and sliced his penis with a box-cutter.

According to police, the 35-year-old got high as hell from smoking weed and became convinced that the 18-year-old boyfriend of one of her daughters had molested her 2-year-old son. With the help of two other people, the teen was held against his will inside a trailer for three and a half hours in an effort to elicit a confession.

The man was adamant he had not  molested her son, but Vela was not convinced. She told the teen that she’d ordered a hit on him and that he would eventually be tied to a tree, shot in the head and then left to be eaten by animals.

She then gave the teen a choice: “He would have to choose his life or his penis.” Vela told the teen she might let him leave the trailer alive if he dropped his pants and let her injure his penis.

Conrad Alvin BarrettHouston, TX – A man has been charged with a hate crime after he decided to play the “knockout game” and punched an elderly black man in the face because of his race.

Conrad Alvin Barrett, 27, has been charged with a federal hate crime after he filmed himself punching the 79-year-old man on November 24. Barrett recorded the assault on his cell phone and later bragged about it. The victim ended up in the hospital for four days were he was treated for a fractured jaw and some missing teeth.

Barrett was caught after he walked up to a random couple inside a restaurant and asked them if they’d ever heard of the knockout game. He went on to say that he’d played the game that very day and showed them the video on his cell phone of him attacking the elderly man.

In the video, Barrett walks up to the victim asking him, “How is it going, man?” before sucker punching him in the face. The man immediately falls to the concrete while Barrett laughs, says “knockout,”  then jumps into his car and drives away.…

Lewis AtwoodCasco Township, MI – A man in Michigan was arrested after he allegedly punched his mother in the face repeatedly while decorating the family Christmas tree.

Pasco Township Police received a 911 call from a home on Friday with no one on the line. However, shouting could be heard as well as a female yelling “you are hurting me.” When police arrived at the home, they found 33-year-old Lewis Atwood with his girlfriend, mother and brother.

According to the report, the family had been decorating the family Christmas tree when a drunken Atwood flew into a jealous rage over finding his brother had a personalized ornament to hang on the tree, but he did not. In response, he began repeatedly punching his 58-year-old mom in the face.

The woman suffered a bloody nose, swollen eye and a swollen lip. As for Atwood, he had minor injuries to his knuckles and hands consistent with drunkenly punching your mother in the face multiple times. Atwood was arrested for domestic violence and booked into the county jail, where he’s being held on a $5000 bond.…

Fuck yo cold friesParis, France — Another unsatisfied McDonald’s customer has made the news after apparently going apeshit over his room temperature fries and beating the crap out of the place with an axe.

Huh. So it’s not just ‘Muricans?

The unidentified 26-year-old man reportedly bitched about the temperature of his fries to one of the employees at the drive-thru window early Saturday morning. That conversation, however, got him squat. So he exited his vehicle, ax in hand, and started swinging.

After he was finished beating up the drive-thru window, he walked around the front of the building and hurled the ax through the entrance doors, scaring the McShit out of a group of late night snackers.

The guy fled the scene, but was apprehended rather quickly. Paramedics patched up a wound to the man’s hand sustained during his little temper tantrum, and he was carted off to the pokey. I have no idea what charges he may be facing.

The only other reported injury was rather minor — the 35-year-old man tending the drive-thru that morning suffered cuts to the face from flying glass.…

2013-12-09_210612STLOUIS, MO – Remember that face? That’s 23-year-old Ashley Depew. She and her boyfriend made the news after claiming she was randomly attacked by three black males playing the “Knockout Game“. Police have now charged them both, accusing them of making the whole thing up.

Ashley and her boyfriend, 25-year-old Justin Simms, were in the news last month after they called police to report Depew had been attacked in a bar by three African-American men playing the knockout game.

Because the dreaded knockout game was involved, the game threatening the safety of white people everywhere, the story went viral after this Facebook post was made and got over 11,000 shares. I remember the moment the pic went viral, as my dog began barking like mad at the sound of the media banging their spoons together as they furiously stirred a crock of shit.

Not that I’m above sticking my own shit-stained spoon in the mix (it’s the same one I use for pit bull stories), but when it comes stories regarding the knockout game, I need video or I don’t even waste my time. …

Man Injures Three In Texas Walmart Hatchet Attack

December 10, 2013 at 9:25 am by  

Christopher HamiltonMARSHALL, TX – Police have arrested a man who entered a Texas Walmart and began swinging a hatchet, injuring three people.

Three people inside a Texas Walmart were injured early Sunday morning after 27-year-old Christopher Hamilton, a transient from Arkansas, walked into the store wielding a hatchet.

Two of the injured were a Walmart employee and a customer who tried to stop Hamilton’s attack on a female employee. According to police, there is no known motive for the attack, and Hamilton did not know any of the people he injured.

“Evidently [the customer] had grabbed some cans of soup off of the stack and started throwing them at [the man with the hatchet] to get him off of the associate, and I believe he hit him in the back of the head and that’s when the guy took off running,” says Stewart.

After getting hit in the head with a can of soup, Hamilton fled the store and ran into a nearby wooded area. With the help of some K-9 units, police were able to locate Hamilton a little over an hour later.…

McDsMesa, AZ — All kinds of people were dialing 911 from a Mesa McDonald’s after one couple noticed their hash browns were missing from their order earlier this week. What? Hash browns are serious business, people!

Michael and Nova Smith were feeling a little ripped off the other morning when they realized their orders, a Number 2 and a Number 4, were missing both one extremely important item —  the hash browns.

“It’s a meal,” Nova said in an interview with ABC15. “Just like you should get fries with your hamburger, we should have got our hash browns with our breakfast sandwiches.”

Nova claims that after confronting a store manager, and after being denied a refund or even an order of hash browns, she got a little pissy and threw her bag of breakfast sandwiches at ’em.

“And that was out of frustration which I probably shouldn’t have done, but I did. Fighting over $2 of hash browns is ridiculous. It is ridiculous to have to fight that hard just to get customer service.”

Michael called 911 and headed back behind the counter to have his own talk with management.…


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