According to the unidentified 50-year-old victim, he and his brother, Michael Charles, were watching the Niners get their asses handed to them by the Seahawks Sunday, when Michael went to grab the last can of Pepsi.
Michael, apparently a Niner fan, had been drinking steadily throughout the day and continued to grow more and more agitated as the game dragged on. When the alleged victim asked him not to drink the last soda, shit got violent.
“Go fuck yourself,” Michael reportedly demanded. He then knocked his brother upside the dome with a metal pipe. Totally justified.
Michael then allegedly armed himself with a small knife and proceeded to stab his brother in the chest several times. In retaliation, the brother grabbed a knife and stabbed Michael in the arm. Sigh…. kinda makes me miss the family reunions I’m no longer invited to.…
PUNTA GORDA, FL – Police have charged 77-year-old William Golladay with felony battery after he attacked a fellow Walmart shopper for having too many items in the express lane.
According to the police report, Golladay was in the express lane with two items, getting increasingly angry while on 65-year-old John Malherbe to purchase his 22 items – two items over the 20 item limit.
Malherte, who was in an motorized shopping cart after having knee surgery, said that Golladay first began loudly counting out each item Malherte had to purchase. He said Golladay became more enraged with each item, and began yelling at him.
At first Malherbe tried ignoring the man, but said he finally started yelling back when Golladay got in his face. “He kept screaming about too many groceries and stuff,” Malherbe said. “And I said, ‘What?’ I think it was the shock, of ‘What? Are you serious?’ And I kept asking my wife, ‘What?!’”
Golladay eventually went back to his shopping cart and used it to ram into Malherte, bruising his elbow.…
FRANKLIN, IN – Bonita Lynn Vela is behind bars after she held an 18-year-old against his will and sliced his penis with a box-cutter.
According to police, the 35-year-old got high as hell from smoking weed and became convinced that the 18-year-old boyfriend of one of her daughters had molested her 2-year-old son. With the help of two other people, the teen was held against his will inside a trailer for three and a half hours in an effort to elicit a confession.
The man was adamant he had not molested her son, but Vela was not convinced. She told the teen that she’d ordered a hit on him and that he would eventually be tied to a tree, shot in the head and then left to be eaten by animals.
She then gave the teen a choice: “He would have to choose his life or his penis.” Vela told the teen she might let him leave the trailer alive if he dropped his pants and let her injure his penis.…
Houston, TX – A man has been charged with a hate crime after he decided to play the “knockout game” and punched an elderly black man in the face because of his race.
Conrad Alvin Barrett, 27, has been charged with a federal hate crime after he filmed himself punching the 79-year-old man on November 24. Barrett recorded the assault on his cell phone and later bragged about it. The victim ended up in the hospital for four days were he was treated for a fractured jaw and some missing teeth.
Barrett was caught after he walked up to a random couple inside a restaurant and asked them if they’d ever heard of the knockout game. He went on to say that he’d played the game that very day and showed them the video on his cell phone of him attacking the elderly man.
In the video, Barrett walks up to the victim asking him, “How is it going, man?” before sucker punching him in the face. The man immediately falls to the concrete while Barrett laughs, says “knockout,” then jumps into his car and drives away.…
Casco Township, MI – A man in Michigan was arrested after he allegedly punched his mother in the face repeatedly while decorating the family Christmas tree.
Pasco Township Police received a 911 call from a home on Friday with no one on the line. However, shouting could be heard as well as a female yelling “you are hurting me.” When police arrived at the home, they found 33-year-old Lewis Atwood with his girlfriend, mother and brother.
According to the report, the family had been decorating the family Christmas tree when a drunken Atwood flew into a jealous rage over finding his brother had a personalized ornament to hang on the tree, but he did not. In response, he began repeatedly punching his 58-year-old mom in the face.
The woman suffered a bloody nose, swollen eye and a swollen lip. As for Atwood, he had minor injuries to his knuckles and hands consistent with drunkenly punching your mother in the face multiple times. Atwood was arrested for domestic violence and booked into the county jail, where he’s being held on a $5000 bond.…
Huh. So it’s not just ‘Muricans?
The unidentified 26-year-old man reportedly bitched about the temperature of his fries to one of the employees at the drive-thru window early Saturday morning. That conversation, however, got him squat. So he exited his vehicle, ax in hand, and started swinging.
After he was finished beating up the drive-thru window, he walked around the front of the building and hurled the ax through the entrance doors, scaring the McShit out of a group of late night snackers.
The guy fled the scene, but was apprehended rather quickly. Paramedics patched up a wound to the man’s hand sustained during his little temper tantrum, and he was carted off to the pokey. I have no idea what charges he may be facing.
The only other reported injury was rather minor — the 35-year-old man tending the drive-thru that morning suffered cuts to the face from flying glass.…
STLOUIS, MO – Remember that face? That’s 23-year-old Ashley Depew. She and her boyfriend made the news after claiming she was randomly attacked by three black males playing the “Knockout Game“. Police have now charged them both, accusing them of making the whole thing up.
Ashley and her boyfriend, 25-year-old Justin Simms, were in the news last month after they called police to report Depew had been attacked in a bar by three African-American men playing the knockout game.
Because the dreaded knockout game was involved, the game threatening the safety of white people everywhere, the story went viral after this Facebook post was made and got over 11,000 shares. I remember the moment the pic went viral, as my dog began barking like mad at the sound of the media banging their spoons together as they furiously stirred a crock of shit.
Not that I’m above sticking my own shit-stained spoon in the mix (it’s the same one I use for pit bull stories), but when it comes stories regarding the knockout game, I need video or I don’t even waste my time. …
MARSHALL, TX – Police have arrested a man who entered a Texas Walmart and began swinging a hatchet, injuring three people.
Three people inside a Texas Walmart were injured early Sunday morning after 27-year-old Christopher Hamilton, a transient from Arkansas, walked into the store wielding a hatchet.
Two of the injured were a Walmart employee and a customer who tried to stop Hamilton’s attack on a female employee. According to police, there is no known motive for the attack, and Hamilton did not know any of the people he injured.
“Evidently [the customer] had grabbed some cans of soup off of the stack and started throwing them at [the man with the hatchet] to get him off of the associate, and I believe he hit him in the back of the head and that’s when the guy took off running,” says Stewart.
After getting hit in the head with a can of soup, Hamilton fled the store and ran into a nearby wooded area. With the help of some K-9 units, police were able to locate Hamilton a little over an hour later.…
Mesa, AZ — All kinds of people were dialing 911 from a Mesa McDonald’s after one couple noticed their hash browns were missing from their order earlier this week. What? Hash browns are serious business, people!
Michael and Nova Smith were feeling a little ripped off the other morning when they realized their orders, a Number 2 and a Number 4, were missing both one extremely important item — the hash browns.
“It’s a meal,” Nova said in an interview with ABC15. “Just like you should get fries with your hamburger, we should have got our hash browns with our breakfast sandwiches.”
Nova claims that after confronting a store manager, and after being denied a refund or even an order of hash browns, she got a little pissy and threw her bag of breakfast sandwiches at ‘em.
“And that was out of frustration which I probably shouldn’t have done, but I did. Fighting over $2 of hash browns is ridiculous. It is ridiculous to have to fight that hard just to get customer service.”
Michael called 911 and headed back behind the counter to have his own talk with management.…
Daly City, CA — A 26-year-old man accused of “viciously” biting his parents and threatening to kill them and burn their home down during an argument over a visit with the family cat, has pleaded not guilty to felonious assault.
After returning home from a Thanksgiving trip Saturday, Yevgeniy Bolshakov asked his parents if he could see the family cat, as he had missed the evil fucking creature while he was away. His parents denied his request, stating that the cat had recently undergone surgery and just wasn’t up to receiving visitors. Primadonna….
And that’s about the time Bolshakov lost his shit.
He reportedly lashed out at his father, punching him in the head several times before biting a chunk of meat out of the 64-year-old man’s arm. He also bit the man on the elbow and the chin. When mom tried to intervene, the 54-year-old woman got popped upside the head and bitten on hand, claim authorities.
Bolshakov was promptly carted off to jail, allegedly declaring on the way that he wanted to kill both of his parents and burn their apartment down.…
Edward William Bright, 47, was arrested and charged with assault and battery, after police say he stabbed his brother. Bright… heh.
Police were called to the scene at about 6:00 p.m. Sunday. They learned Bright and his brother had first verbally argued about which silverware to use for dinner, that verbal argument quickly escalated to a physical argument.
Bright, obviously determined to make his point, allegedly armed himself with a steak knife and proceeded to stab his brother numerous times in the torso.
Since the brother’s wounds were superficial and non- life threatening, I would suggest the Bright brothers use an actual set of silverware… non-plastic… if meat is on the menu.
Bright is being held at the Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center. A bond/bail amount has not yet been made available.…
Alex Rossi, an apparently ungrateful turd of a son, still lives at home but contributes nothing to the household, according to his pops. When pops went to make some mac and cheese for dinner Sunday, he found the cheese packets were missing from the box. Mother. Fucker.
Pops confronted Rossi and demanded that he stop using up all the damn cheese packets. Because few things in life are as disappointing as a box full of boring, cheeseless pasta, folks….
The two reportedly fought back and forth for a bit, and when pops walked back in the house, he said Rossi ran after him and punched him in the face and head, deputies said.
At some point, the two ended up on the ground… with the spawn in a headlock. *cheers*
When officers arrived on scene, they noticed a bruise and cut on dad’s face.…
Knoxville, TN — I’m a little bit late with this one. Ok, a whole lot late….
drugs alcohol procrastination my volunteer work at the local soup kitchen really takes up a lot of my free time, ya know. Anyways, an unidentified 15-year-old boy was arrested Monday, after police say he tried to roast his teacher by using a lighter to ignite her hair and shirt.
According to police, 23-year-old Gabriela Penalba had turned her back to her students that morning at West High School, when the boy walked up behind her with a cigarette lighter and set her shirt and hair on fire.
Fortunately, the flames were extinguished by her not-so-psycho students before Penalba suffered any burns to the skin.
Afterwards, the boy reportedly tossed the lighter out a window and fled the school on foot.
After a short foot chase, the boy was taken into custody. After admitting to the alleged assault, he was charged with aggravated assault and evading arrest. He’s now chillin’ in a juvenile detention facility.…
NORTH ROYALTON, OH – Police have charged two people after a heated argument at a child’s birthday party turned into a brawl that was captured on video.
It happened on Saturday night where a kid was having a birthday party inside an Ohio Jump Yard. According to reports, it started with a disagreement between a couple and others at the party. “I think there was some disagreement about who should be invited, and who should not be invited,” North Royalton Police Detective David Loeding said.
When the couple left, they found their vehicle’s tires had been slashed in the parking lot. Instead of calling police, the couple went back inside the Jump Yard and confronted those they believed responsible for the tire slashing. This confrontation quickly turned into an argument, followed by pushing and shoving, and then the punches.
“Unfortunately, it goes from two to three, to three to five people, who are involved in exchanging fisticuffs, ” Detective Loeding said. Fisticuffs. I think I will start working that word into more articles.…
Orlando, FL – Police have arrested a 28-year-old man after he allegedly attacked his pregnant sister for eating his chicken nuggets without his permission.
According to reports, Kareem Gordon became furious after he found his 25-year-old sister had eaten his chicken nuggets. After arguing over the nugget faux pas, Gordon followed his sister into her bedroom, yelling “I will punch you down.” He didn’t follow through with that specific threat, but he reportedly grabbed his sister by her neck, pushed her into a nightstand, making her fall to the ground.
Gordon told police he didn’t attack his sister, who is four months pregnant, but was merely trying to have a civil discussion when she slammed the bedroom door in his face. He said she fell after he shoved open the door. Police arrested Gordon anyway, charging him with aggravated battery on a pregnant person. He was booked into the Orange County jail on no bond.
Seems as if Gordon has a history of assaulting women, police saying he has a previous domestic violence incident on record with his wife. …
HASTINGS, MN – Beatriz Fernandez, 37, is looking at second degree assault charges after police say she ran her husband’s new girlfriend off the road before cracking the woman’s skull with an aluminum baseball bat.
On November 13, someone called police to report a female assaulting another woman on the side of a rural road. When officers arrived, they found the victim suffering from a fractured skull.
The victim told police she was driving with her boyfriend, who also happens to be Fernandez’s husband, when Fernandez began ramming the rear of her vehicle. The victim said she was eventually forced to pull over and stop.
When both women exited their vehicles, Fernandez hit her husband’s lover “two to three times with a bat with full-out swings” after Fernandez knocked the victim on the ground. Fernandez’s husband, who’d reportedly ran from the car, told police he left his wife about six weeks ago and that she’d recently found out about his new relationship with the victim.
Officers located Fernandez a short time later.…
ROCKLEDGE, FL – Police say a 36-year-old man brutally beat his stepmother before stuffing her into the trunk of his car.
There are no details regarding what prompted the beating, but the 57-year-old woman told police Thomas Youngman beat her head and face, slammed her head on the garage floor, stuffed her in the trunk of his car and informed her he was going to kill her.
She said Youngman began to drive off, but stopped to open the trunk and take away her cell phone. He then pulled her out of the trunk by her hair and began beating her again. Somehow she was able to escape and run to a neighbor’s for help as Youngman fled the scene.
The woman was taken to the hospital and Youngman was arrested later after he returned home. He was charged with attempted first-degree murder, aggravated battery with great bodily harm, kidnapping, and resisting a law enforcement official without violence.
This isn’t the first time Youngman has been accused of assaulting his stepmom.…
Police responding to a call of a battery in progress found the elderly man bleeding from the side of his head and suffering from lacerations to his back. Isaac Tucker told them he was driving when he was flagged down by 28-year-old Sophia Body and another woman.
The man said as he parked behind them to help, he accidentally bumped one of them with his vehicle. When he got out of his car, the two women began beating him and stabbing him with a screwdriver.
“I got out of my car to help, not to offend no one,” Tucker said. “But when I got out of my car, I was attacked, and I was stabbed several times in the back.”
Assistant State’s Attorney Elizabeth Dibler said what happened was that Tucker accidentally struck one of the women as they crossed the street and wouldn’t claim he was flagged down by the women until later. …