Clayton County, Georgia A couple of teachers have found themselves in a bit of hot water. I guess it’s not such a good idea to post a love letter to your boyfriend’s Facebook when he works in the same building as you…along with his girlfriend. But that’s what happened at Rex Mill Middle School. Ebony sent her man a letter, it was intercepted by Chaka, and all hell broke loose in the hallway Monday during school. They yelled, smacks were thrown about, and the 7th and 8th graders in that school got a quick lesson from their family and consumer science teacher on the fine art of expressing one’s self. The school authorities were not enthused and once the officers were brought in, the brawling teachers were promptly arrested. …
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Mountain Home, Arkansas Armed with a face only a mother could love, a criminal past, and an axe, Jason Marshall pretty much fucked up his parole. Monday, police received a couple of distressed phone calls regarding a domestic disturbance, the second of which the victim stated she and her children were able to escape their abuser but needed medical attention. An ambulance was dispatched to intercept the patients, Elizabeth Marshall (41) and her 9-year-old son at an intersection and they were transported to a nearby hospital.…
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Richmond, California The homecoming dance took a horrible turn for a 15-year-old girl just prior to midnight Friday evening. When police drove up to Richmond High School about an hour after the dance had ended, they observed several young men fleeing the scene. Upon investigation, they found their 15-year-old victim unconscious and suffering from “different injuries indicating she had been assaulted.” The “assault” is believed to have been a gang rape that lasted for 2 hours. And if that isn’t bad enough, police say there is a high probability of there being video of the assault shot from cell phones. Those images were captured by a group of observers who refused to intervene in any way.…
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Long Bottom, Ohio Joseph Lemaster, 33-years old, must have decided upon a different approach to bonding with his 16-year-old daughter who visits him (rather visited him) on weekends. Instead of opting for catching a movie, chit-chatting across the kitchen table, or playing board games on the living room floor, Joseph allegedly got drunk and set the evening’s events in motion. According to police reports, his daughter attempted to leave his mobile home in a family car after an argument broke out. Daddy grabbed a .22-caliber rifle, shot her dog, then shot through the vehicle and struck her in the head.…
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Maury County, Tennessee It’s hard to say if James Tait was looking to be in the limelight again, if he was just so incredibly horny, or just plain stupid. I mention “limelight” because this is not the first time James’ name has gleaned attention. The first time was 4 years ago when he aimed his camera on his buddy, Kenneth Pinyan, as a horse was screwing the life out of him…literally. Kenneth died from a perforated colon. You’d think James would learn from those lessons but I suppose there’s just something so seductive about forcing a horse’s…hell, you get the picture.…
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Houston, Texas I hung out with some pretty heavy drinkers in my younger days. It was always quite a treat walking into a bar with someone who had obviously had a tremendous time the night – or even week – before. No sooner than we’d walk into the establishment, my buddy would be greeted with, “Oh man, do you remember when you_____?” (Fill in the blank and those fill-ins were never flattering.) Watching the happy-go-lucky face turn to complete horror was always amusing – mainly because it didn’t involve me. If I had my druthers, I’d much rather be informed by friends or acquaintances and I’d much rather hear the news when I was fully functioning than to be awakened by the police telling strange accounts of where I ended up and with whom.…
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Burlington, Vermont How many of you dreamt of flying when you were younger? Even better, how many of you actually tried to fly? I think the fantasy was always fueled by cartoons (in my day) and stuntmen with my children. Hollywood always makes things look so easy and always manage to trick the mind. Unless you’ve seen the making of a movie, you never see the landing platforms below. You just see some idiot jumping from the top of a building, landing smoothly, and walking away as though it were as natural as breathing in and out. It’s not, I can tell you that for sure. Even with a belly full of booze, jumping out of a high window is never really a cool idea – I tried it in college. But the alcohol and the fit of laughter kind of made our legs a bit unstable so it was nothing for them to revolt mid air and say “fuck you” as we were plummeting to the ground. But what happens when you’re all tense and you “need” to get away from say…the police?…
Continue ReadingJohn Forehand Had No Forethought When Asking His Daughter For Sex
October 10, 2009 at 2:11 am by thinkgoat
Lititz, Pennsylvania Facebook, the social networking site, started as a spin-off of Harvard University‘s Facemash. The creator, a little buzzed and a little bummed about being dumped by some chick, set out to divert his attention from her to something a bit more entertaining. What started as a prank has grown into the most widely used social site on the internet. The only requirements for signing up are to be at least 13 years old and have a valid email address. Being a little hesitant in jumping into the Facebook pool, I finally gave in when a friend urged me to sign up. It’s a quick and relatively painless way to keep up with family and friends. I can recall reading the status of one of my contacts that said: “My father has joined Facebook!” That’s sweet, but it’s not always that thrilling to have your parents create an account and “friend” you. Take it from a certain 13-year-old. Her father found her on Facebook after having no contact with her for 10 years and then found himself faced with a couple of charges, one being criminal attempted incest.…
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Las Cruces, New Mexico Have you ever had a day where you just couldn’t hold onto anything? I’ve often heard it referred to as the “dropsy’s”. And I’ve been plagued many times with this rather frustrating phenomenon. It’s almost as though I’ve coated my hands with some release coat crap for machinery or baby oil mixed with sudden paralysis of my working digits. If you’re anything like me, this occurrence is often followed with broken shit, a splattered mess, a sudden onset of a string of obscenities, and a pulled butt-muscle or two as the strain of keeping the objects air-born (and hopefully back into control) becomes so uncontrollable and your body bends and freezes in unnatural poses. But I can tell you, even though I’ve broken a shit-load of nice china due to the dropsy’s, not once…ever…have I ever had that happen while handling a child. Poor Russ Church cannot say the same.…
Continue ReadingGrandma Shirley Skinner Helped With The Custody Battle Using a Glock
October 8, 2009 at 2:04 am by thinkgoat
Ashland, Illinois is a sleepy little town of 1300 people smack dab in the middle of corn and bean fields; you know, Settlement Americana, Littletown, USA? The kind of place where the major events were the weekly livestock auctions, which proved to be exciting only when the occasional cow would cut loose and bolt down the street followed by a bunch of young boys and girls donning spurs on their cowboy boots making one hell of a racket as I was sleeping off the night before. The kind of town you’ve all heard about, full of those willing to lend a helping hand, give you a polite smile as you walk by. I know it well. I lived in the only funeral home it had.…
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Kermit, West Virginia “Unusual to see a refrigerator laying flat in the bed of a truck. You have to stand them up if you want to use them later, and that’s the only thing that caught all of our eyes,” states a co-worker – a guard at a coal company where Roger Stroud worked. They state Roger signed in at the guardhouse and then 31 minutes he split. Perhaps he was just stupid and didn’t know to stand that fridge upright. Perhaps he had purchased his lovely wife a new home and was moving things in to surprise her at suppertime. This may have all made sense had she not wanted a divorce and had he not used that cumbersome appliance as a means to hide her body.…
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Apple Valley, California Growing up, birthday parties were a big thing, both having them and going to them. The endless silly games that are played from ‘pin the tail on the ass’ to ‘telephone’. (You know, everyone sits in a circle, an adult whispers something to the first child and they’re to repeat it to the next. By the end of the circle the message is never the same. Kind of like a bunch of adults I know repeating gossip) But as children grow older the parties kind of wane. I mean, what kind of games do you play with a bunch of 14-year-olds? After the sweet-sixteen party, the 17th birthday is a pretty big let down. Nothing really exciting to do for that one. That is unless you’re the daughter of Glenn Nottle. He gave his daughter the memories of a lifetime for her birthday. A little gunfire, some throwing stars, a little pipe bomb…. …
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Boston, Massachusetts It’s all fun and games until someone loses and eye. It reminds me of a scene from an old cult classic “Where The Buffalo Roam“, a movie written as a loose depiction of Hunter S. Thompson‘s rise to fame as an author. In the movie, Thompson and his “attorney” Lazlo are in some undisclosed Latin American country and there’s some illegal arms trading occurring when one idiot picks up an automatic weapon and looses complete control shooting up the place. When the shooting frenzy has ended and the dust settles, his associate is fighting holding back his laughter when the maniac who can’t handle a gun beats him to the ground. And as soon as he is grounded, his buddy starts smothering him with affection and aid, truly remorseful for his actions. He almost sounds like Rhys Williams, and EMT, who shot up a couple of dudes and then administered help.…
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Uniontown, Pennsylvania How about this? You’re an 80-year-old man having problems with the ATM. It happens, right? The sun is shining on the screen – hell, I have trouble. And lucky for this elderly gentleman, Shannon Fisher, a cute little 25-year-old, offered her assistance. Once the machine spit out Ike Rogers $500 bucks, his heroine allegedly took the money and ran. How rude, robbing a poor old man of his retirement money. But luck was really on Mr. Roger’s side as witnesses chased her down, actually jumping out of vehicles to head her off, when she disappeared inside a building. The police were called and she was arrested. But hey, where did that money go? They checked her pockets and stuff… According to the criminal complaint, police retrieved $240 and a half of a $20 dollar bill from her vagina during the initial search and after she used the restroom, the rest of the money was retrieved. Do the young kids not know money goes in the bra? And where the hell is the other half of the $20?…
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Kittery, Maine Delving into the psychology behind animal cruelty produces a glimpse into the motivation. It’s said that those who would commit such a horrendous act may feel unnoticed, powerless, and perhaps under the control of others. “They” also state that the perpetrators may abuse animals to threaten, shock or offend others, perhaps demonstrating a rejection of societies rules. “They” also claim the ass committing these acts may be copying something they’ve seen or something that may have been done to them, or perhaps a safe way to seek revenge on someone who owns that pet. Maybe this is why I never pursued my major – I call this psychology bullshit. People like Matthew Dorrbecker, who mutilate animals for shits and giggles, are just sick fucks.…
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Manatee County, Florida Art Linkletter hit a gold mine when he came out with his “Kids Say The Darndest Things“. It was such a hit because I think every single person could relate to hearing children reveal such intimate details so innocently or say some very adult things taken so far out of context. All of it either embarrassing or funny as hell. Or both. There’s something so engaging about listening to a child explain something. Especially when they know they have your undivided attention. They become a bit more willing to share, a bit more animated in their story telling abilities. And if an adult has all the appropriate reactions, the child’s trust and willingness grows. Which was perhaps the case of this three year-old. I can’t imagine the intensity of the attention she received when she said, “Daddy Lorne touched my cooter and it hurt.” …
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Schenectady, New York My son/daughter _____ has permission to participate in (Name of activity) _____ on (Date of Activity) ____. Date of his/her last tetanus shot ____. He/she is allergic to ____ and I have noted his/her physical limitations on the back of this form. During the activity, I may be reached at (address, phone) ____. If I cannot be reached in the event of an emergency, the following person is authorized to act in my behalf: ____ Relation to participant____Phone____Additional Remarks____. Permission slips. The cure all for covering everyone’s ass. Especially when your adult son is screwing an underage girl. What better way to beat the law than for each mother to sign one of these law binding agreements? …
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Coral Springs, Florida I adore any father who shows interest in their child’s life. That feeling is amplified when that father takes an active role in their children’s education. Too often we read about men who’d rather rape and beat their offspring almost to the point of thinking it’s a prerequisite. That is until we turn off our computers and take a look around us. Through the years I’ve noticed paternal involvement increase in the PTO, parent teacher conferences, even band concerts or the extra curricular events. And I especially like it when fathers take the teachers up on the offer of visiting the school or classroom anytime. That’s one way to show your children their education plays an important role in everyone’s life. So to you fathers who are active in this manner, my hat goes off to you. And to James Goldberg, even though you showed up at the school, my hat is staying on. I bet your daughter wishes you wouldn’t have made the appearance you did especially given the fact you had a *ahem* wardrobe malfunction.…
Continue ReadingStephfon Bennett Returned to the Scene to Steal Her Heart
September 10, 2009 at 3:33 am by thinkgoat
Columbus, Ohio Love at first sight: the topic of many pieces of literature and even more poems. It’s actually a very strange thing, this love upon first glance. It often makes total strangers engage in conversation with wild flirtations and wilder fantasies. Sometimes that draw or gut instinct is right on track. It’s interesting, in some new age religious circles, these urges or feelings are made known for one reason: your paths are meant to cross. The very real feelings trigger curiosity and that curiosity triggers action and sometimes, upon the first few moments in time, you feel like you’ve met that person before or that you’ve known each other for forever. And so when Stephfon Bennett showed up on the doorstep of Diana Martinez, he felt love and she felt she had met him before. Perhaps it was due to him allegedly robbing her two hours prior……
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Lodi, California Whether they come to the United States to flee poverty, terrorism, or in search of the American dream, I’m sure being an immigrant woman comes with a great deal of challenges. With a steep learning curve, having to juggle learning English with finding a job, a secure residence, and a social life can be overwhelming. And all too often it happens. A knight in shining armor comes along who is the answer to all her prayers. Once married, it makes life so much easier – no fear of having to leave the country, stability, and an All American style hubby. Life seems good for a while but sometimes things just don’t pan out. Especially if you’re to meet someone like Michael O’Riley, who allegedly enjoyed holding his wife’s status over her head to get his own little sex slave prisoner.…
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