Alfred Duckless’ Futer Is Dim

Beebe Plain, VT – From Alfred Duckless’ MyspaceMySpace profile: “I am 25 i have a four year old son witch i am raising by my self but we will make it.” Yeah, barely. According to authorities, Duckless rushed his toddler son to the emergency room back in December because the child was unresponsive. At the hospital, it was determined that the boy was near death, suffering from severe hypothermia – his body temperature was just 80.6 degrees. When questioned, Dickless told doctors and police that the child had played outside in the cold for an extended period of time. The child recovered and was later placed in a foster home. Not satisfied with the initial explanation of the boy’s injuries, investigators recently questioned Dickless again. This time, his story was way different. Turns out the kid pissed in his pants and as punishment, he was submerged in cold water up to his neck and forced to remain there for at least 3 hours. When he struggled to get out, Dickless pushed him back in, bruising the child’s head in the process. Dipshit was arrested on charges of aggravated domestic assault and is being held on $200,000 bond. From his Who I’d Like To Meet section: “I would realy like to meet to meat my sperit guide so that it will shine some light on my futer.” You don’t need no sperit guide, Alfred, I can help you out. My Magic 8 Ball just told me you’re fucked, you illiterate pissant…

Tell Mommy You Love Her, Or Else

Silver Springs Shores, Florida–On Saturday, Natasha’s husband gave her a gift that many mothers fantasize about…a day of peace and quiet. Paul Esposito took their three children to the home of a family friend for the day, leaving Natasha behind to relax and enjoy the quiet. When Paul and the children returned home, all was normal and quiet–until dinner time. That’s about the time the shit hit the fan.

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James Farrell Was Pissed

Bradenton, FL–Domestic violence is never funny…really. But, every once in a while, the manner in which someone abuses their partner, is. Take James Farrell for instance. Among his arsenal of weapons: urine, eggs, water, and lighter fluid.

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