Good day, sickos. I want to thank all of you for your calls and emails inquiring about my well-being and offering sex at various public parks. But fear not, I am just on a much-deserved, much-needed vacation. Although I am off this week, I will be writing up some stuff off and on while finally being able to focus on some DD house cleaning. I'll also have time to respond to some of you interested in writing. In the meantime, be sure to check out the forums for the latest in terrible news.

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McDsMesa, AZ — All kinds of people were dialing 911 from a Mesa McDonald’s after one couple noticed their hash browns were missing from their order earlier this week. What? Hash browns are serious business, people!

Michael and Nova Smith were feeling a little ripped off the other morning when they realized their orders, a Number 2 and a Number 4, were missing both one extremely important item —  the hash browns.

“It’s a meal,” Nova said in an interview with ABC15. “Just like you should get fries with your hamburger, we should have got our hash browns with our breakfast sandwiches.”

Nova claims that after confronting a store manager, and after being denied a refund or even an order of hash browns, she got a little pissy and threw her bag of breakfast sandwiches at ‘em.

“And that was out of frustration which I probably shouldn’t have done, but I did. Fighting over $2 of hash browns is ridiculous. It is ridiculous to have to fight that hard just to get customer service.”

Michael called 911 and headed back behind the counter to have his own talk with management.…

Owen GilmanSTONINGTON, CT – A 10-year-old boy in the backseat of his father’s car called 911 to report his dad was driving drunk moments before his father crashed.

Rhode Island State Police received a 911 call from the boy who said he and his 12-year-old sister were passengers in a Mercedes driven by their father, Owen Gilman. The boy said he was in fear for his life because his old man was drunk and driving erratically.

The boy told them he was so scared that he was contemplating jumping from the moving vehicle because that would be better than crashing at the speeds his father was currently driving. The boy didn’t have time to test his theory, because moments later his father rear-ended a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Gilman hit the Jeep so hard that he sent it 50 feet off the shoulder of the interstate and down an embankment where it overturned. The driver of the Jeep was taken to the hospital to be treated for blunt force trauma and lacerations and was last listed in fair condition. …

Gregory Matthew BruniNORTH FORT MYERS, FL - I have no idea what kind of drugs 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni was on the other day, but I want to know so I can make sure I get some.

On Monday, a Florida man went to investigate noises he heard on his roof and discovered a naked Bruni running around on top of his house. Bruni jumped from the roof, partially landing on the man, and then ran inside the man’s home.

According to the reports, Bruni grabbed a 72-inch television off a wall and smashed it on the ground before emptying the contents of a wet-dry vac. As Bruni was eating the contents of the vacuum off the floor, the homeowner’s wife retrieved a .38 revolver and fired three shots at Bruni, missing him.

Undeterred by the gunfire, Bruni fell to the ground and masturbated before running into another room and began rubbing his face into any articles of clothing he found. The homeowner retrieved a shotgun and aimed it Bruni, instructing him to lay down.…

TUCSON, AZ  – Two sisters, ages 9 and 11, were arrested the other day after they prank called 911 and pretended to be Isable Calis, the 6-year-old girl who has been missing since April.

Police say they received a phone call Sunday morning from a young girl who identified herself as Calis. She told the dispatcher that she had been kidnapped and then hung up the phone.

The call was traced to a cell phone in the area of an apartment complex and over 25 officers, including detectives from the Sex Offenders Registration and Tracking Unit, responded to the area. After e bit of canvassing the neighborhood, police made contact with the sisters who admitted that they had made the call as a joke. There mother was home at the time, but did not know what her daughters had done.

Both girls were arrested on suspicion of false reporting to a law enforcement agency. Although they were initially booked into a juvenile corrections center, their lack of a record and the charge being a misdemeanor meant they did not meet the criteria for being detained. …

Grove City, OH – Police received a call from a 13-year-old boy on Sunday morning, telling the dispatcher that his father had just stabbed his mother to death and had instructed him to call 911.

“My dad just killed my mom. He just told me to call you guys,” the boy can be heard telling a 911 dispatcher. “He just ran outside and killed my mom and she’s laying in the grass in front of the apartment.”

The boy’s father, 38-year-old Jeremy Roberts, allegedly chased his ex-wife, Candice Roberts, outside his apartment and stabbed her to death in front of their children. She was there that morning to pick up her kids.

Eventually Roberts gets on the line and tells the dispatcher his wife is under a blanket and that the weapon he used was outside by her body. When the dispatcher asks about what he did, Roberts calmly tells her they will see when they show up.

For the rest of the five-minute 911 call, Roberts can be heard telling his children that they have a big sister who will take care of them.…

Pasco, FL - A 57-year-old Florida man is facing charges after he called 911 to complain that his wife would not let him look at Facebook in peace.

Doyle Hardwick only wanted to check his Facebook without his wife sitting next to him, so he tried to get her to go to bed with beer. But after consuming eight of them, his wife didn’t feel like moving and Hardwick called 911.

Caller (CLR) “says him and his wife are sitting next to each other,” the 911 transcript reads. “CLR is upset because she won’t go to bed. Now they are bickering about who has been drinking. CLR has had 4 beers. Wife has had 8 beers. … CLR is upset because she wouldn’t let him look at Facebook peacefully.”

When police arrived at the couple’s home, 54-year-old Julie Hardwick let them in and directed them towards her husband who was still on the phone with 911. Doyle Hardwick told the deputy that his wife was supposed to go to sleep after he gave her the beers because that was their agreement.…

Police Locate Teen Who Faked Her Own Abduction

August 24, 2011 at 8:43 am by  

AURORA, Colo. – Police have found the 15-year-old girl we reported on earlier this week who had faked her own abduction.

An officer in an unmarked police car spotted Jasmine Fike near a fast-food restaurant on Monday. She had altered her appearance and had been staying in a motel she had checked into using a fake ID.

The teen sparked a statewide Amber Alert after calling 911 and reporting a man, a convicted drug dealer, was trying to break into her home last Wednesday. When police arrived, Fike was missing and there were signs of a struggle. Police would later report that while they were still actively looking for Fike, the entire abduction was a hoax orchestrated by the teen.

She is currently in a juvenile facility, but cops made a strange comment when they were asked what kind of condition Fike was in when they found her.

“Her condition is relevant to what she’s been through, and if I comment on that, it would be a clue to what we’re investigating,” Aurora Police Detective Bob Friel told the Denver Post.…

AURORA, Colo. – Police would like to talk to the 15-year-old girl who staged her own abduction last week, triggering an Amber Alert and a lot of police resources wasted on her dumbass.

It all started with a 911 call (you can listen to it here) in which Jasmine Fike tells the dispatcher that she needs help, that someone is breaking into her home and trying to kidnap her. When police arrived at her home, they did not find Fike but did find signs of a struggle in her bedroom.

An Amber Alert was issued Wednesday morning in which a man named Franky Session, who has since been cleared of any wrongdoing, was named as a possible suspect.

Police still don’t know where Fike is, but they say she is travelling with known ciminals and that she had faked the entire abduction.

“We had dozens and dozens of people working on this case and what we learned is this is all a hoax,” says Det. Bob Friel. “There’s a bit of astonishment to the lengths she went to carry out her hoax.…

McKeesport, PA – Jacquay Hall, 31, has been on trial for crimes stemming from the alleged rape of a teenage girl that was recorded on a 911 call the girl had placed.  The outcome of the trial was mixed, at best.

The jury deliberating on the charges found Hall not guilty of kidnapping, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, unlawful restraint and resisting arrest.  The jury found Hall guilty of terroristic threats and possessing a firearm while not being authorized to possess one and without a license.

The biggest issue, though, is that the jury was deadlocked on charges of indecent assault, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, and rape.  A mistrial was declared.

“Obviously, my client and I are very pleased. We have the utmost respect for that jury,” defense attorney Kevin Abramovitz said.

“Utmost respect” is lawyer-speak for “We are glad that they bought what we are selling.”

Hall was accused of raping a teenager in an abandoned parking garage after following and dragging her into the building.  Before Hall got a hold of her, though, she called 911 on her cellphone and put it in her pocket.  …

WESTMINSTER, Colo. — Here’s a story that plays out like a scene from a horror movie. A man breaks into a home while a mother and son cower in a closet, the entire incident captured on a 911 call.

Teresa Middleton was outside of her home when she noticed a suspicious man staring at her from across the street. She felt uneasy so she went inside and locked her front fddoor. Shortly after, the man was trying to kick in that door. Middleton grabbed her teenage son and retreated into a closet inside a second floor bedroom. She then called 911.

You can listen to the call by clicking here, but if for some reason you cannot play the file, here’s a transcript from thedenverchannel.com:

“He’s getting in now! …Hurry! Hurry, he’s getting in,” the woman said on the 911 tape.
“Ma’am, we’ve dispatched officers,” the dispatcher said. “I’m just keeping you on the phone, OK?”
The woman relayed to the dispatcher as the man kicked in the garage door.

ATHERTON, Calif.— A teacher at Selby Lane School is on paid leave after he rattled a desk to get the attention of his class and a startled student called 911.

Police were called to the school after receiving a 911 call about a teacher causing a disturbance and possibly throwing things. When they arrived they found a calm teacher with a class in session. Police determined nothing had been thrown, but rather the teacher had simply rattled a desk to get the attention of his 8th-grade math class.

One of the girls in the class, probably a foreign exchange student from France, got scared by this and left the classroom to call police on a cell phone before running through the hallways screaming at her own shadow.

The other students in the class weren’t bothered by the teacher’s actions, said Sgt. Tim Lynch. Though the teacher “dramatically” made his point, “it wasn’t a teacher out of control,” he added.

Because police were called, the teacher, who has never had a complaint filed against him in the past, will remain on paid leave until the investigation is complete.…

Farmington, Conn – We post about some real stupid people on this site, but rarely do we get stories featuring the level of dumb as Robert J. Michelson. The man waited until after he spent a good amount buying items to grow marijuana before calling 911 to ask them for legal advice. He wanted to know if what he was doing was illegal. You can listen to the call here, but this is the transcript of the call he made last Thursday evening:

Dispatcher: 911, what’s your emergency?
Michelson: Uh, let’s not get into that yet.
Dispatcher: If it’s not an emergency you don’t call 911 sir.
Michelson: Well, I have a legal question.
Dispatcher: Is it life threatening or an active crime in progress?
Michelson: Crime in progress possibly.
Dispatcher: What’s going on?
Michelson: I was just growing some marijuana and I was just wondering what, how much trouble you can get in for one plant.
Dispatcher: You’re growing marijuana and you want to know…depends on how big the plant is?…

New Whiteland, Ind — Last story for the day, an infuriating case of domestic abuse where a man beat a woman in front of their kids on Halloween night. Debbie Brown had returned home from taking her 7 and 9-year-old out trick-or-treating Halloween night when she got into an argument with her ex-husband, 33-year-old Timothy Brown. This altercation led to Brown severely beating Debbie in front of  their two children who called 911 and then hid in a closet until police arrived. Brown unsuccessfully tried blocking the officers from entering the home when they arrived, and was subsequently Tased. Officers would find Debbie unconscious on the couch suffering from severe injuries to her eye and head along with broken bones. The kids were escorted out of the closet with a blanket over their heads so they would not have to see their mother’s condition or their father in handcuffs. He’s currently in jail facing charges of domestic battery in the presence of children, aggravated battery with injury and resisting law enforcement.…

GALATIA, IL — I’m sure some will rag on these parents, but I think they’re cool as hell, even if their Halloween prank turned serious for a few moments. Police say a couple decided to pull a prank on their two kids, ages 6 and 8, by staging a “murder” in their home. When the two kids walked in and saw the fake murder scene, they hauled ass to the neighbors before their parents could stop them. “The 911 caller identified himself and indicated the neighbors’ children had come to the house and said there’d been a murder or their mother had been strangled by Michael Meyers [sic],” Brown said. “There are Meyers that live in this area, and obviously we take any 911 call seriously.” When the police got to the home, they found everyone was fine and that it had just been a prank that got out of hand. I’m evil so I am still sitting here laughing thinking of those two kids leaving brown streaks all the way to their neighbor’s front door.…

Houston, Texas – A woman is thinking twice about ever calling 911 again to report a crime after a suspect she turned in called her back. The woman noticed a man beating the crap out of a woman in a car next to hers, so she does the right thing and calls 911 to report it. Thirty minutes later, she receives a phone call from a number she doesn’t recognize. When she answers, a man on the other end keeps asking who she is before hang up. Immediately after that, she gets another phone call but this time it’s from a female. “She called me just as he hung up and it was like, ‘Ma’am, are you the concerned lady that called about my welfare?’ and I am like, ‘Excuse me,’ and she said, ‘Well I’m OK,’ and I said, ‘Excuse me,’” said the woman. The next morning she gets yet another call, this one from inside the Harris County Jail where the suspect was placed for outstanding warrants and not for the assault the woman says she witnessed.…

GASTON COUNTY, NC – When 24-year-old Tracy Hedgepath did not show up for work on Friday, her co-workers contacted her parents who went out to their daughters home to check on her. Once there they found all of the cars in the driveway of the home Hedgepeth shared with her three young children and her boyfriend, 25-year-old Austen Minter. They began repeatedly knocking on the door until finally, 7-year-old Destiny answered. She had been shot in the head. The grandparents immediately called 911 in which you can clearly hear the little girl say that “Daddy did it.” Police say that Minter shot Hedgepath, who was 3-months pregnant, during an argument. He then shot 7-year-old Destiny, 6-year-old Austen II, and 3-year-old Serenity before turning the gun on himself. Police think the girl had been lying with her dead family for a few hours before her grandparents showed up. The couple have a history of domestic violence issues, Minter being described as a monster by Hedgepeth’s family telling the media that he was also violent with his own family members.…

LAKE CUSHMAN, Wash. – A transcript of the 911 call made by the mother of 5-year-old Clare Shelswell has been released. She is the girl we posted about a couple days ago whose stepfather, 29-year-old Peter James Wilson, has been accused of murdering her by slitting her throat while the family were on vacation from British Columbia in a rental house on Lake Cushman. Wilson and Clare’s mother Sarah had gotten into an argument about disciplining the girl when Wilson said not to worry that he would take care of it. He told investigators that he knew that he was going to kill the girl when he took her down to the kitchen and slit her throat with a kitchen knife. Sarah ran after them when she heard screaming and found Clare lying on her back in a pool of blood, holding her throat with her hands. Wilson was arrested at the scene. The scene was so horrific that first responders have been having issues dealing with what they saw and have been turning to department chaplains as a result.…

MASTIC BEACH, N.Y. – Lord knows we have featured hundreds of morons on this site and there are times in which I think people just cannot get any dumber. Then I come across gems like 21-year-old Stephanie Benatatos and her 24-year-old boyfriend, Zifiris “John” Valsamis. This couple needed a plan to get some fast cash so the two dopes put their heads together, squeezed their eyes shut real tight, huffed, grunted and pushed with all their might. To their surprise a little, stinky nugget popped out. This great idea consisted of Benatatos calling her mother and telling her that she and Valsamis had been kidnapped by men in an SUV. Shortly after, Zifiris called Benatato’s mother and told her that the kidnappers had released him so he could collect the $400 he owed them for drugs. If he did not pay them, they would hurt her daughter. After that call, Benatatos dialed 911 to bolster their beautiful plan but Seventh Squad detectives smelled the tiny turd. After questioning the couple, the entire kidnapping was deemed a hoax.…


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