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In The Mean Time...

Fort Pierce, FL — Jorge Armando Alvarez-Hernandez, 26, was arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge late last month after he reportedly spanked his girlfriend’s ass “really hard” because she failed to “service him properly.” According to the offense report (page 1, 2 and 3), Officer David Leigh responded to the trailer home Hernandez shares with his live-in girlfriend on December 26, and was met by the complainant, the victim’s brother-in-law. The unidentified male held up a cell phone for Officer Leigh to see – the picture depicted on the device was of a woman’s ass – an ass sporting a large hand print and welts. The man told the officer that it was his sister-in-law’s ass and the hand-print and welts were left there by her boyfriend, Mr. Hernandez. The man refused to supply the officer with a written and signed statement, though, claiming he didn’t want the sis-in-law to get mad at him. Officer Leigh was unable to positively identify the ass in the picture…it was just an ass, no face.…

Naples, FL — According to the Collier County Sheriff’s Department, Kimbra Marcus was taken into custody late Saturday night after she reportedly doused her estranged husband and his mistress with hot wax. Kinky. Police say an intoxicated Kimbra returned home to her trailer that evening and flipped her shit a bit when she found her hubby in bed with his new woman. Irate, Kimbra left the residence, only to return about 10 minutes later to terrorize the lovebirds. After banging on the outside of the trailer with a shovel for awhile, Kimbra reportedly smashed a window and tossed boiling hot wax on the unidentified couple. The extent of the pair’s injuries, if any, is unknown. Kimbra later told authorities that even though she and her husband are separated, they are still married. She was promptly outfitted with a shiny set of shackles and hauled off to a cage. The 55-year-old woman has been charged with assault.…

ENON, OHIO — After receiving reports of shots fired at a trailer park, Sergeant Dustin White and his partner, Suzanne Hopper, went to investigate. While White was talking with the family who said their trailer had been shot at, Hopper was using her camera to take pictures of a footprint outside a neighboring trailer. That’s when the door of that trailer opened and 57-year-old Michael Ferryman emerged brandishing a shotgun. Hopper had just enough time to scream before Ferryman leveled the shotgun at her face and pulled the trigger, killing the mother of two instantly. White tried to get to his fallen partner but was not able. “He was itching to get her,” Enron Beach resident Angelina Inman told The Associated Press. “He kept radioing in, can he please get her, and he was told no because it wasn’t secure. You could see that male sheriff crying — he wanted to get her, he wanted to get her bad.” When responding police arrived at the scene, Ferryman opened fire on them and a shootout ensued that left one officer wounded and Ferryman dead.…

SANFORD, Fla. — Justin Collison, son of a Sanford police officer, sucker punched a homeless guy in the back of the head last month and it looked as if he was about to get away with it, even though the entire event had been captured on video. That is until that video found its way online and people wanted to know why this idiot had not been arrested. This pressure lead aggravated battery charges being filed last week and to Collison turning himself in this morning. But he’s not the only one who is paying for his douchebaggery. In full damage control mode, Sanford City Manager Thomas J. George has relieved Sanford Police Chief Brian F. Tooley of his duties. Four other officers are also being investigated for not arresting Collison after responding to the Dec 4 incident. If that wasn’t enough shit to deal with, the NAACP is now involved, calling the act a hate crime because the victim, Sherman Ware, is black. I seriously doubt that it was; seeming to me Collison was just being a drunken buffoon who took a cheap shot at the first person he could.…

Chicago, IL — 19-year-old Michael Hilling and his girlfriend, Jessica Woytonik, were celebrating their one year anniversary on the banks of Lake Michigan on New Year’s Eve when tragedy struck – while the two were sitting on the embankment near Buckingham Fountain, Jessica’s water bottle fell into the lake. Michael dove in after it and immediately began struggling. According to police, Michael was submerged in the cold water for nearly 30 minutes before members of the fire department scuba team were able to pull him to the surface. He was transported to the hospital in critical condition, but doctors were unable to revive him and he was pronounced dead at 1:36 Saturday morning. Michael’s mother, Debra Hilling, said she couldn’t even begin to understand what happened because Michael didn’t know how to swim, he could barely dog-paddle. “It’s bizarre. I don’t even understand it,” she said. “The boy couldn’t swim, so I don’t understand why he’s going out into the open water in the middle of December to retrieve a water bottle.” The shit we do for love……

New Port Richey, FL — Calvin Kemp was arrested Saturday night for losing his cool and taking matters into his own hands after being repeatedly ding-dong-ditched by a couple of neighborhood kids. The kids apparently hit Kemp’s house several times that evening, and Kemp apparently got pissed. According to police, Kemp stood outside his house and waited for the kids to return. And the kids, obviously too stupid to know that you don’t hit the same damn house twice in one night, didn’t let him down. When they returned to Kemp’s abode, he reportedly jumped out from the shadows and hit one of the kiddos, a 12-year-old boy, in the chest with a baseball bat. Police say he then tied the kid up. What happened after that is anyone’s guess, but there is no report of any serious injury to the child. 54-year-old Kemp is now facing charges of false imprisonment and child abuse. Many thanks to whisperswing for the heads up.…

Tampa, FL –– While attending a family gathering on New Year’s Eve, police say 23-year-old Xavier Thomas walked off with his 6-year-old son and stabbed the child nearly two dozen times before abandoning him at a playground. According to police, the family was outside lighting fireworks when Thomas disappeared with the boy. Family members noticed the child was missing about 20 minutes later and began searching for him. Right about then, Thomas returned to the apartment without the kid. When relatives asked where the boy was, Thomas took off running. Relatives then called police to report the child missing. As police arrived on scene, the child, Xavier Thomas Jr., reappeared – he was covered in blood and had been stabbed repeatedly in the back, chest, neck and arms. Though the boy lost a lot of blood, none of the injuries were life threatening and he is expected to make a full recovery. Physically, anyway. Police have not yet identified the motive behind the attack, but Yvonne Mickles, Thomas’ grandmother, said that just six weeks ago, Thomas was being treated for mental illness.…

New London, CT — Registered sex offender Gary Germaine, 54, was arrested and charged with two counts of risk of injury to a minor and one count of second-degree breach of peace Thursday evening after police received a complaint of a man exposing himself at a ShopRite grocery store. Police officers caught up with the alleged exposer as he was attempting to leave the parking lot. Once they had their guy collared, a search of the vehicle revealed a “rubber sex toy that resembled male genitalia, a ‘jock’ strap/athletic supporter and a zucchini wrapped in duct tape.” According to police, surveillance video from the store shows Germaine placing those items inside his sweatpants and confronting other shoppers. Personally, after I recovered from laughing my ass off, I would have whipped out the cell phone and started clicking – that kind of shit would make for an awesome Facebook post. Apparently, though, there were a few kids around when Germaine was brandishing his produce and some people got all kinds of offended.…

Lake St. Louis, MO — Supposedly remorseful after a failed suicide attempt earlier this month, 45-year-old Corey Brown told authorities he has been sexually abusing two young girls for nearly three years, later confessing to more than 500 instances of child molestation. The investigation began after police were alerted to the alleged abuse by Family Services. The girls were interviewed and officers responded to the hospital to serve Brown, who was recovering from a couple of slit wrists, with an order of protection. Brown reportedly told police he has been raping a girl who is now 9-years-old since December of ’07. He’s also been raping another girl, an 8-year-old, since July. The relationship between Brown and the girls hasn’t been disclosed, but police have reported that their mother was not aware of the abuse. Lake Saint Louis Detective Bret Carbray estimated that Brown had sexually molested one girl 234 times and the other girl 34 times. Police were hoping for 538 separate counts, but prosecutors lumped ’em all up, charging Brown with two counts of statutory rape in the first degree; six counts of statutory sodomy in the first degree; and two counts of child molestation in the first degree.…

Henderson, NV — Police say 33-year-old Edward Colucci didn’t just try to break his girlfriend’s two young sons physically, he also tried to break them emotionally. Colucci was arrested late last month, charged with child abuse, assault and kidnapping, after paramedics and police officers found his girlfriend’s 4-year-old son unconscious in the couple’s apartment. The child was suffering from severe malnutrition – so severe his hair was falling out. Dispatchers say that when the boys’ mother called 911 on November 23, she could be heard telling Colucci, “you went too far.” And she wasn’t fucking kidding. According to police, over the course of a few months, Colucci allowed the boy to eat nothing but dry ramen noodles, garlic cloves and onions. He reportedly spit in the child’s water. When the child’s mother made eye contact with the boy, Colucci reportedly viewed it as showing “too much affection” and punished the kid by punching or kicking him. Police say Colucci bit the boy’s nose, sprayed glass cleaner in his eyes and forced him to eat his own vomit.…

SANFORD, Fla. — Ok, last one from me today as I go back to being as unproductive as possible. It’s another one from Florida, where people are questioning why a police lieutenant’s son was never arrested or charged for sucker punching the ever-living shit out of a homeless person, even though the entire event was captured on video. Normally I don’t like describing what you will see anyway, but for those of you who are unable to see the following video, it shows a homeless man, Sherman Ware, trying to break up a fight outside of a bar when Justin Collison, the cop’s son, walks up behind him and punches him in the back of the head. Really hard. Sherman’s face slams a pole then he falls unconscious to the sidewalk. Collison then proceeds to walk around yelling like a douchebag before attacking another patron. Witnesses, including Justin’s own friends, aren’t too happy with Justin’s antics and begin yelling at him for puss punching people for absolutely no reason. But that was on Dec 4, and as of right now, Justin has not been charged or arrested for his unprovoked assault against Sherman.…

Parkland, FL — Just when I thought I would make it through the day without posting a story, I see this crazy one from Florida. Police say that a woman died after being strangled by an electronic neck massager. After wrapping Christmas presents on Christmas Eve, 37-year-old Michelle Ferrari-Gegerson reportedly used an electronic massaging device on her sore neck. Her husband would find her lifeless body on the bedroom floor later that evening. Police are ruling the death as accidental, the Broward Sheriff’s Office detectives and the Medical Examiner’s Office both stating that it looks as if the massaging device got caught up in her necklace and proceeded to choke her to death. They have not released the brand of massager that they say killed her, but I was unaware that these things posed that kind of hazard. That was until I read that in Japan, several women died after improperly using an electronic foot massager on their necks. The device snagged their shirts and basically formed a fairly effective tourniquet around their necks.…