In The Mean Time...
Another day, another reason to drink myself into a blind stupor. Here once again, for your perusal and disgust, a look at the stories that would have made it on the front page if I was not so hungover from last night. Including baby rapers, absent-minded parents, extreme capitalism and a robber who kept it all in the family.
Modesto, California - You can tell by these awesome mugshots that these three buttplugs are some real winners. Brandon Ferrell, 18; Joshua Huggins, 17; Kurt Petersen, 22; and Larry Williams, 20 are all members of a super elite group of people called Juggalos. Juggalos, you see, are fans of the *cough* hardcore *cough* rap *gag* group called the Insane Clown Posse.
Though with followers like these, they may want to change “Posse” to “Pussies” because, seriously, I’ve seen harder looking boys in the K4 class at my kid’s daycare. It doesn’t seem real hard to be a member of this gang. All you need to do is wear makeup, look like a fucking idiot in your mugshot, worship clowns, and gang up on men more than 30 years your senior who are rightfully protecting their families from, well, Juggalos.
In early March, William August was taking a walk in a park with his girlfriend and 11 and 17 year old daughters when Peterson skidded into them “as if he were sliding into third base,” popped up and tried to shake the young girls hands.…Continue Reading
Loyalhanna Township, Pa – Not much info at the moment, but three female bodies were discovered Thursday afternoon at Ferguson Glass Services, a windshield factory. Edith Tietge, 81, her sister, Doris Murphy, 69, and Murphy’s daughter, Kris Murphy, 43, were all shot in the head. Police now want a DNA sample from one Kevin Murphy.…Continue Reading
, California – Stacey Barker, 23, told police that on March 18th she was putting her 18-month-old daughter, Emma, in her car seat in the parking lot of parking lot of Lancaster City Park when she was hit from behind by an unknown assailant. She awoke several miles away, and her daughter was missing. 12 hours later, Emma’s body was found on the side of the road in tall grass. Now it is being reported that the entire abduction story was bullshit.… Continue Reading
Fresno, CA- On the night of April 14, 2009, James Mitchem, being an intoxicated asshole, thought it would be fun to tease a 3-year old beagle named “Rocky” with a knife. Rocky must not have enjoyed this game of play because he snapped at Mitchem and ended up biting him.
Gainesville, Florida–Victoria Thorp, 19, will go above and beyond to get a little nookie. Her boyfriend, 18-year-old Aquilla Wilson is doing time at the Santa Fe Work Release Center for drug charges…30 months, to be exact. Since the facility doesn’t allow conjugal visits, Victoria put her little pea-brain to work and came up with a brilliant idea–she’d break in to the prison, satisfy her appetite, and be on her merry little way when it was over. What could possibly go wrong? Everything, that’s what.…Continue Reading
Liverpool, New York–By all accounts, Alex and Angela had, what appeared to be, a very loving relationship. The pair had been an item for two or three years and had tied the knot on February 21. They welcomed their first child into the world about six months ago. Alex’s Myspace is filled with pictures of his wife, child, and pets. What happened in the relationship to make Alex hateful enough to kill Angela?…Continue Reading
Berkeley County, S. Carolina–Marvin Douglas Clark, 27, was looking for some young stuff, and found a potential victim with the click of a mouse. Clark came across a Myspace that had a cell phone number listed in the profile. The profile, and the cell number, belonged to an 11-year-old girl. Hey kiddos, posting your cell phone number on Myspace? Bad, bad idea.…Continue Reading
FAIRBORN, Ohio — Not much to say here. Another shaken baby case. Matthew is currently sitting in jail for shaking his 2-month-old son, Brandon, and leaving him in critical condition. Medics responded to a 911 call that the Brandon was unresponsive, once at the hospital, it was determined the child had suffered a head trauma.…Continue Reading
Flint, Michigan–Very little information is being released in the case of 9-year-old Shylea Myza Thomas, but this is what I have discovered. Shylea hadn’t been seen in over six weeks–relatives reported her missing to DHS on Tuesday. On Wednesday, her body was found, surrounded by mothballs and stuffed into a garbage bag, locked up in a storage unit in Michigan. Shylea suffered from quadriplegia because of a ‘suffocation issue’ in her crib at 3 weeks of age.…Continue Reading
Glen Burnie, Maryland– A young woman called police after receiving a chilling letter from 17-year-old William Skiratko. The note said that he was planning to kill his mother and himself. Acting on that tip, police arrived at the apartment Tuesday afternoon and found the teen playing a video game…‘It’s too late for my mom,’ he told officers. Cold-hearted little fucker….
Bensalem, Pennsylvania–Catherine Thomas, 36, believes in strengthening the bond between mother and child by celebrating Take Your Kid To Work Day. Admirable, isn’t it? Except for one thing…Catherine is a hooker. The lovely lady propositioned an undercover officer, offering herself up for $130. Yes, for 130 bucks, Catherine will fuck you silly in a filthy motel room, in the presence of a 7-year-old child and three dogs. That’s a pretty hefty asking price, Catherine, considering the circumstances.…Continue Reading
Atlanta, Georgia – Aimee Michael, 22, was charged with five counts of homicide by vehicle, one count of failure to maintain lane and one count of serious injury by vehicle, and hit and run. She was the driver of the BMW police have been looking for in connection with the Easter crash that claimed the lives of 5 people. Robert and Delisia Carter, as well as the couple’s newborn son, Ethan Blake, and Delisia Carter’s 9-year-old daughter, Kayla, died in their Mercedes after striking a Volkswagen driven by 43-year-old Tracy Johnson who survived the crash that killed her 6-year-old daughter, Morgan.…Continue Reading
Akron, Ohio- Like a lot of people, Jo Ellen Nolan recently lost her job and was having a tough time getting the bills paid. A friend suggested that she should apply for a position as an exotic dancer at a local strip club. Nolan took her friend’s advice and went to the strip club. Nolan didn’t believe that anyone might have a problem with her becoming a stripper, especially the other dancers, because she is a 52-year old woman.…Continue Reading
Another day, another bunch of stories we just couldn’t get to. Here are a few interesting ones that would have made the front page if we had enough time to get to them.…Continue Reading
Gilliam, Louisiana – There is something about a long day of drinking that makes a person crave a belly full of comfort food. It’s no coincidence that there is a Waffle House or its equivalent located within stumbling distance of almost every bar in the US. Willie Casst, 41, and his 63 year old brother Agusta Wells are no different. After a day of drinking both decided it was time for some dinner. Sounds reasonable, right? Apparently not, because that is where it all went to hell.…Continue Reading
CLARE, Michigan – Not much information on this one yet, but a couple news agencies are reporting a case of heinous child abuse. The mother of a 6-year-old-boy, along with hospital staff, alerted police after finding the young boy had 2nd and 3rd-degree burns to his anus. Police then arrested a 36-year-old Clare man who stated that he was simply disciplining the boy. Gerald Hall, the boy’s father and Gerald’s brother Glen are each facing a 1st degree child abuse charge. State Police say the pair took the boy to a shed after he messed his pants, and then took turns burning his buttocks with a hand-held torch. The charge carries a possible 15 year prison sentence, but Glen Hall has been placed on a habitual offender list – meaning he could now face one and a half times more than that. The boy has since physically recovered and reportedly back with his mother.…Continue Reading
Elkton, Maryland–Viktoria Albright, 34, and Michael Schary, 45, tied the knot less than three weeks ago…April 3, to be exact. I’m guessing marital bliss was not in the cards for this couple–Viktoria is dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound and Michael is in critical condition with a bullet wound to the back of his head.…Continue Reading