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Man Rams Car Into Convenience Store, Steals Banana

January 10, 2014 at 7:36 pm by  

Banana thiefNewington, CT — Police are asking for the public’s help in identifying a man accused of ramming his car into a convenience store and making off with a single banana.

Surveillance video shows a Ford Freestyle with Connecticut license plates backing repeatedly into the store and breaking the glass doors, setting off the burglar alarm, at about 2:00 Thursday morning.

Once the man was inside, he apparently swiped a lone banana off a shelf and devoured it before leaving the store.

Police say nothing else was taken.

The car apparently sustained damage to the driver side rear bumper and tail light.

If you recognize this banana loving, station wagon driving doofus, please contact the Newington Police Department at (860) 666-8445.

Why, yes, it is a slow news day…. why do you ask?…

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thugbabyOMAHA, NE - A Nebraska infant who gained fame in a viral video in which he swore, flipped the bird to the camera and repeated a string of vulgarities has been taken into protective custody, Omaha police announced on Wednesday. Three other children were also removed from the home, according to a post on the department’s Facebook page.

The child, wearing a diaper,  is told to repeat a number of obscenities and racial slurs by the adults taking the video. The infant, who is black, is shown knocking over a chair and at times taunts the adults back, calling one of them a bitch and telling her to shut up. The adults are heard laughing and encouraging him to keep going.

Though the conduct is disgusting, that didn’t stop the baby’s mother, 16-year-old Ennisha  Devers, from speaking out in defense of her child-rearing skills and taking up for her two-year-old son, after claiming that her brother shot the video-while she was in another room.

“He had a clean diaper, the house was clean and like they said, kids curse, every kid does it,” Devers said. …

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Tiffany JenkinsPelican Bay, TX – I totally missed this story from last month, but it’s so disgusting I figured all of you would want to read about it. A woman was arrested after her 19-month-old was found covered in cockroaches and shit, crawling across a busy street.

Police say a woman brought a baby into the police station after finding him crawling down the middle of a busy road. Despite having cockroaches crawling in and out of his diapers and habing shit on his face, he was a “bundle of joy,” said Pelican Bay Assistant Chief of Police Stephen Combs. “It broke the hearts of all my officers,” said Combs.

The kid had so many roaches crawling on him that the woman who brought him in had to immediately clean out her car because of all the live and dead cockroaches left behind.

Around 30 minutes later, 23-year-old Tiffany Jenkins stopped by to see if anyone had turned in her nasty baby. Turns out Jenkins had been in her yard with her four children.…

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Brad DavisMcCloud, OK – I wasn’t even going to post this because the story is already making the rounds, but I really wanted a “wedgie” tag. A man in Oklahoma is in jail after police accused him of killing his stepfather with a wedgie.

Police say that a few days before Christmas, 33-year-old Brad Davis was drinking with his stepfather, 58-year-old Denver St. Clair. The two men got into a verbal argument after St. Clair began talking shit about Davis’ mother. This altercation turned physical and Davis, a former marine, ended up knocking his stepfather unconscious.

Not satisfied with knocking the man out, Davis took this opportunity to add some insult to injury by giving the defenseless man an atomic wedgie. “His underwear was pulled up over his head and the elastic band was around his throat.” Lt. Jimmy Brewer said. Davis then took some pictures with his cell phone and called 911 to report the incident.

Unfortunately, St. Clair died smelling his own taint. For the first time in 10 years, we have an article about a man who was strangled to death by his own underwear.…

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Jennifer McCarthySante Fe, NM — Jennifer McCarthy, ex-wife of author Cormac McCarthy, was booked on assault charges last week after allegedly pulling a gun out of her poonanner and aiming it at her boyfriend’s head following a heated argument about space aliens.

Let’s let that soak in a minute, shall we?

According to the police report, 48-year-old McCarthy and her unidentified boyfriend were discussing space aliens Saturday, when shit got retarded. At some point during the couple’s alien discussion, in between the ranting and raving, McCarthy’s boyfriend ordered her to stop touching him. In response, she touched him on the shoulder with her index finger… you know, like a 7-year-old. He, in turn, placed his hand on her neck. She didn’t feel threatened, she claimed, he was simply trying to keep her away from him. And then, well, it was all about masturbation and guns and crazy….

The boyfriend told police that after the verbal argument, McCarthy left the residence. Upon her return, she holed up in her bedroom for a minute — when she walked out, she was wearing lingerie.…

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mephedroneHaywards Heath, West Sussex — A 19-year-old believed to be under the influence of some sort of party drug, “meow meow” being one possibility, is reported to have stabbed his mother and severed his own dick.

Not a lot of info on this, but the kid was apparently home for Christmas break, and after indulging in a bit of plant food, went berserk and stabbed his 46-year-old mother. That accomplished, he got busy on the family jewels.

Mom called emergency services to the home, where the kid was found hanging from a bedroom window, blood gushing from his new, temporary vagina.

Both parties were rushed to the hospital with life-threatening injuries.

As of yesterday, mom was listed in stable condition, and it appears as if surgeons were able to successfully reattach the boy’s dick. He, too, is listed as stable.

It might just be me, but every time we cover a story involving a severed dick, I get a sudden urge for chili dogs. I might need psychiatric help….…

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Jennifer Ruth HollisAustell, GA – Police searching for a missing boy found four other boys living with their mother and uncle in a trash-filled home infested with lice, roaches, and a registered sex offender.

And that’s not even the worst of it.

The boys – ages 14, 13, 12 and 8 – all had decayed teeth while the oldest was sporting an untreated foot injury so severe it required surgery. None of the boys attended school and their communication skills were so bad they couldn’t even be interviewed.

One of their neighbors told reporters he wasn’t even aware four boys lived inside the home.

The boys’ parents, 52-year-old Jennifer Ruth Hollis and 53-year-old Tony Darren Elmore, also lived in the home along with their uncle, 37-year-old Robert Lee Hollis. Elmore also happens to be a convicted rapist and registered sex offender.

All three adults were charged with four separate counts of child cruelty and remain in a Cobb County jail on $100,000 bond. The four boys have been placed in state custody.…

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Dreamin’ Demon Is Creating Horrible News

January 8, 2014 at 3:50 pm by  

PatreonHere, Now – As we quickly approach our 10 year anniversary, we’d like to make some changes for 2014. In particular, we’d like to turn off the red light and quit whoring it up for potential advertisers.

After some discussions at the end of last year, I came to the conclusion that I’d like to get back to the raunchier D’D from the days of old. We’ve tried to play nice in an attempt to win over some better paying advertising and found ourselves all dressed up with no one to blow.

After checking out a handful of different fundraising type sites, we have settled on Patreon. I have created a Patreon page, like a lot of other independent content creators, in hopes that I can shrug off the shackles of advertisers’ content restrictions while still bringing in some kind of revenue.

Patreon allows people in my position to ask for monthly pledges from their fans. Currently that pledge is one, whole dollar. This can be paid via credit card or Paypal and can be easily cancelled at any time.…

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Grandma with gunSHREVEPORT, LA  - Police say 16-year-old Devon Antonio pushed his luck too far when he decided to rob a 63-year-old woman a second time, and ended up dead after the woman shot him in the chest.

Police say the teen broke into the woman’s home carrying a shotgun and demanding money from her safe. The woman said she recognized Antonio as the same person who robbed her of some money and a gun just a few weeks prior.

She said she feared for her life because the teen was pointing a shotgun at her demanding money, and she knew her safe only contained around $55 dollars in coins.

“As I was unlocking the safe I prayed to God to give me strength, to get through this, it’ll be me or him,” she said.

It is said that God helps those who helps themselves, and this woman helped herself tremendously when she replaced the gun stolen previously and had made the decision to store it inside the safe. She removed the gun from the safe with one hand while taking the bag of coins with the other.…

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Joshua McCoyPORTLAND, OR – A man armed with a shotgun got a bit more than he bargained for after he broke into an apartment during an attempt to rob the people inside.

After 38-year-old Joshua McCoy successfully broke down the front door of the residence, while wielding a pistol-grip shotgun , he demanded money from the residents.

But a quick thinking 20-year-old foiled McCoy’s robbery attempt after he grabbed the shotgun from McCoy and then pushed his ass down a flight of stairs. McCoy ended up hitting his head on the way down and was knocked unconscious.

The 20-year-old and his mother’s boyfriend called police and stood watch over McCoy until law enforcement arrived and took McCoy into custody. After a quick trip to the hospital, McCoy was taken to jail and charged with first-degree robbery, second-degree robbery and first-degree burglary.…

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Ronald SavoyLakewood, NJ — A 42-year-old man was arrested for allegedly disrobing inside of a deli and masturbating in front of an employee and her 8-year-old son.

According to the alleged victim, Ronald Lavoy entered the deli Saturday evening and waited for the place to empty. When the last customer walked out the door, Lavoy apparently removed his clothing and started strokin‘. Obviously unimpressed, the woman called police. When Lavoy realized what she was doing, he put his clothes on and walked out.

Police soon had their man — he was found at a bus stop a few blocks away. He was charged with two counts of lewdness, tender years sexual assault (that’s a new one) and endangering the welfare of a child. He is being held on $100,000 bail.

Turns out he had been in the deli the previous evening, doing the same damn thing. The victim in that case, though, simply yelled at him to GTFO…. so he did.

Poor, dejected sumbitch… no one wants to look at his willy.…

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Alberto FelipeBoca Raton, FL — A Florida man is facing charges after allegedly biting his neighbor’s ear off because the man refused to give him a smoke.

According to the victim, John Ott, his neighbor approached him Friday night and asked if he could bum a cigarette. Before he even had a chance to realize what was happening, Ott said, Alberto Felipe was all over him.

“He comes up puts me in a bear hug and next thing I know he’s biting my ear,” Ott said. “This all started because I wouldn’t give him a cigarette.”

Ott was rushed to a local hospital, his ear just kinda hanging on by a thread. Fortunately, Felipe didn’t swallow any important pieces and doctors were able to stitch it back on.

Felipe was arrested for felony aggravated battery, but has already made his $3,000 bond. It’s not his first rodeo, either — he’s had at least three previous convictions for assault and battery.

Ott says Felipe is back in the ‘hood, hurling insults at him from across the street on a fairly regular basis.…

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Ryan BensonSeaside, OR – A couple of morons are facing charges after they allegedly tipped a waitress with an envelope filled with meth last week.

Ryan Bensen, 40, and Erica Manley, 37, were getting their drink on at the Twisted Fish in Seaside late Friday evening, and when it came time to make good on their bill, they apparently showed their waitress their appreciation by slipping her some go fast with the cash.

We seriously need an “Are you fucking stupid” tag here at the Demon.

After getting a good look at her “tip,” the waitress called police. Though the envelope has been sent to the lab to be analyzed, the responding officer pretty much knew what it was on sight. It’s Oregon, after all…

Benson and Manley were taken into custody at the scene. A quick search revealed more meth in Manley’s purse. After procuring a warrant to search the couple’s car, even more meth was discovered. And a search of the couple’s motel room revealed meth and the tools necessary to produce more meth.…

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Danielle ZimmermanWichita, KS – Police have arrested two teens after they allegedly robbed a woman at a Taco Bell drive-through after she suffered a fatal brain aneurysm.

Danielle Zimmerman, 43, had left her home to pick up some Taco Bell for her family when she suffered the aneurysm and crashed into the restaurant’s drive-through speaker box. While some witnesses rushed to Zimmerman’s aid, Daquantrius Shaquill Johnson and Quanique Dontrell Thomas-Hameen allegedly approached her for entirely different reasons.

Instead of trying to help the poor woman, the two 19-year-olds robbed Zimmerman of her wedding ring, purse, and iPhone as she lay dying. Emergency crews arrived and rushed Zimmerman to the hospital where she was placed on life support.

Sadly, Zimmerman never regained consciousness and her family made the extremely difficult decision to remove her from life support on Monday. It was at the hospital where Zimmerman’s husband learned that his wife had been robbed.

“Instead of trying to help her, somebody robbed her,” he said. “What really appalled me — the wedding ring.…

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Man Arrested For Assault With Banana

January 7, 2014 at 6:08 am by  

Joseph SmolinskyPort Richey, FL — No, that’s not a euphemism… get your minds outta the gutter, ya naughty. Not a lot to this one, but it involves an assault with a banana, so I’m on it. The story, not the banana…

Joseph Smolinsky, 36, is facing a couple of charges after allegedly assaulting his live-in girlfriend with a banana, and for resisting arrest after the fact.

Police were called to the couple’s home on New Year’s Day, and learned from the girlfriend that Smolinsky threw a banana at her. Smolinsky denied the accusation, of course, and blamed the banana tossing on the woman.

It was going to take some solid detective work to get to the bottom of this one….

After a thorough investigation, officers determined Smolinsky was the offending party. And how did they arrive at this conclusion? Well, the woman was sporting a red mark on the face, where the banana apparently landed, and there appeared to be a bit of banana peel on the floor near the couch where the woman was sitting.…

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Jerome DavisDes Moines, IA — A 50-something year old man is being held on charges of domestic abuse with a weapon after allegedly threatening to cut his brother as the two argued over each other’s consumption of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The alleged victim, also 50-something, reportedly told police his brother, Jerome Davis, “made three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and ate them in the living room. Within the next hour, the suspect made another three of these peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bringing his total consumption of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to six.” Did anyone else read that statement in Count Von Count’s voice?

Anyways, this pissed the victim off…. and rightfully so, right? I mean, six sandwiches? That’s like, half a loaf of bread right there…

The victim apparently mentioned something about his brother’s “over-eating,” which led to a heated argument in which both men started screaming about how lazy and fat the other one was. This led to Davis pulling a knife.

Police say Davis held the knife to his brother’s face and threatened to cut him.…

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Dawn LohmannCorvallis, OR — The not-so-hot mess to the left is 24-year-old Dawn Lohmann — she was arrested on numerous charges after allegedly going all neanderthal and beating the crap out of a disabled vehicle on I-5 Sunday, as the driver and passenger watched in horror.

The vehicle’s passengers, a 53 and 61-year-old woman, were out doing whatever it is women that age do on a Sunday morning, when their car ran out of gas on the highway. As the two woman dialed for help, Lohmann, barefoot, approached the car.

The two women wisely rolled up the windows and locked the doors. In response, Lohmann reportedly dropped her pants, exposing her lady bits to the women. And then it got weird…..

After dropping trou, Lohmann, barefoot and presumably pantless(?), took off across the highway.

She reappeared just moments later and jumped on the hood of the car. She then began jumping up and down, the women later told police. No word on whether any grunting, growling was involved. Also unknown, whether the words HULK or SMASH was used at any point.…

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SwirliePembroke Pines, FL — Police are on the lookout for a man witnesses claim shoved a woman’s head into a toilet at a Burger King restaurant Sunday morning.

According to witnesses, the man followed the woman into the restroom at about 7:30 that morning and proceeded to give her a swirlie in the shitter. No word on whether any actual flushing was involved.

When said witnesses demanded the man and woman vacate the restroom, cause, you know, people gotta pee, the man forcefully grabbed the woman by the hair and dragged her out of the restaurant.

He was then seen shoving the woman into an Infiniti G35, and was overheard saying something like, “You’re going to die today and I’m going to be the one to do it.” Which, after having one’s head dunked into a BK toilet, wouldn’t be such a terrible idea. Especially after the breakfast rush….

The man is described as a slim 20-something, about 6 feet tall, and dressed in a white tank top. And pants, I assume.…

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