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Get Rich Quick! Step 1: Let A Hyena Snack On Your Genitals Step 2: Profit?Man Who Killed Little Brother Slit Cellmate's Throat With Playing CardMom Found 3-Year-Old Son Dead After Leaving Him Home Alone For 20 HoursMostly Nekkid Lady Goes On Rampage Inside McD's; Breaks Stuff, Eats Ice CreamMom On Crack Binge Gives Birth In Motel Bathtub, Chews Through Umbilical CordHolly Morrison Accused Of Allowing Boyfriend To Sexually Assault Child RelativeDemetrio Campbell Accused Of Breaking Into Home, Raping 4-Year-Old GirlChristian High School Teacher Caught Half-Naked With 14-Year-Old StudentWoman Writes Book On Foster Care, Then Abuses Her Foster KidsMother And Daughter Hospitalized After Being Attacked By Boyfriend's Pit Bull

In The Mean Time...

Get Rich Quick! Step 1: Let A Hyena Snack On Your Genitals Step 2: Profit?Zambia — I normally wouldn’t post anything from Zambia because, face it, they do some weird ass shit over there — kinda like Florida, but without all the face eating. Anyways, because it’s a slow news day and it’s been a slow couple of weeks, I figured I’d give it a go. And, well, because GENITALS.

A man in Chipata is missing three toes and all of his cock-n-balls after apparently allowing a hyena to snack on him. Why would he allow such a thing, you ask? Because a witch doctor told him that sacrificing body parts was the best(?) way to get rich.

“I came from Malawi and when I arrived in Chipata I met some business persons who told me that the best way to become rich was to sacrifice parts of my body,” said Chamangeni Zulu. “I went to a bush where I was instructed to be naked and a hyena came to me and started eating my toes and eventually my manhood was eaten.”

After making his deposit, Zulu crawled to a road where he was picked up by passing police officers.…

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Crotchety Old Man Shoots Neighbor In Unprovoked AttackPerry Twp, OH — A 70-year-old man is facing numerous charges after shooting his 21-year-old neighbor for shits and giggles, apparently.

From what police are saying, Roger Smith walked out of his home Sunday afternoon and popped a cap in that dad-blasted whippersnapper’s ass from across the street.

We did not see any provocation by the victim,” said Perry Township Police Chief Michael Pomesky. “There was no interaction between the two. The victim was going about his own routine.”

There were prior reports of some bad blood between Smith and someone else that lived in the home, but the victim was not a part of those disputes.

Smith has been charged with felonious assault, discharging a firearm on or near prohibited premises, and improperly discharging a firearm at or into a habitation. Bond was set at $500,000.

No word on the condition of the victim.…

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Man Kills Son During Argument, Stabs Self So He Can Finish Argument In The AfterlifeMinneapolis, MN – After shooting his son to death during an argument about cable television, an 84-year-old man reportedly told police he wasn’t about to settle the matter in some foolish courthouse — nope, he was gonna settle that argument once in for all in the afterlife.

According to police, Pang Se Vang was upset that his son, 36-year-old Chue Vang, refused to have cable television installed in the home they shared. Chue basically told his father that if he didn’t like it, he could move the fuck out. My house, my rules kinda thing….

Anyway, instead of moving out, Pops apparently armed himself with a shotgun and put a new hole in Chue’s chest Monday evening. Another shot was fired when Pang’s eldest son disarmed him, but there were no other injuries.

Left without a gun, Pang locked himself in his room. When police arrived on scene, Pang made it very clear that he was armed with knives. When officers requested that he exit the room with his hands up, Pang responded that he couldn’t, he had stabbed himself in the chest.…

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Couple Accused Of Keeping 4 Year Old Locked In Dog Cage For 14 Hours A DayChelsea, OK – A couple in Oklahoma have been accused of abusing two of their children, and keeping a 4-year-old boy locked in a dog cage for as long as 14 hours a day.

On Oct. 13, a social worker paid a visit to the home of 33-year-old Suzanne Satterfield and 31-year-old Johnathon Lee. The visit must have been unannounced, because when the worker walked into the residence, she found the couple’s 4-year-old son locked inside a small dog cage.

Police were called and the couple were taken into custody. During their interview with police, they explained that they locked the boy in the cage as a form of discipline and to keep him from harming himself. They estimated they kept the boy locked in the cage as long as 14 hours a day.

Lee told the police the boy would get up at night and there were exposed wires in the bedroom that he was afraid the boy may electrocute himself. He figured it was a hell of a lot easier to stick the kid in a cage than it was to fix the electrical issue.…

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Highly Intoxicated Edwina Negron Arrested After Repeatedly Throwing Baby On GroundCity of Beacon, NJ – Police arrested 33-year-old Edwina Negron on Wednesday after they, and other witnesses, watched as she repeatedly threw her infant daughter onto the ground.

Police were called to the intersection of Verplanck Avenue and Willow Street after witnesses described watching Negron twice throwing her 8-month-old daughter to the ground. When police arrived on the scene, they observed a “highly intoxicated” Negron throwing the child onto the ground again and watched as the baby’s head hit the sidewalk.

Negron was taken into custody and her daughter was taken to the hospital to be treated for “non-life-threatening injuries,” said Detective Sgt. Lou Lucato of the Beacon Police Department. The girl is now in the custody of Dutchess County Child Protective Services.

Negron would later test positive for cocaine, opiates, methadone and marijuana. She was charged with second-degree assault and endangering the welfare of a child. She’s currently sobering up in the Dutchess County Jail on $100,000 bail or $250,00 bond.

We’ve had multiple stories involving mothers throwing their babies on the ground, but one that I always remember is the one caught on a Australian surveillance camera back in 2010.…

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Pit Bull That Fatally Mauled 4 Year Old Mia DeRouen Called A Monster By PoliceHOUMA, LA – Police called the pit bull that mauled 4-year-old Mia DeRouen to death a monster, shooting it 13 times to stop it from attacking.

The attack happened in a Houston apartment Tuesday night as Mia and her mother were watching television. According to Mia’s mother, 27-year-old Megan Touchet,  the 130 pound pit bull attacked the girl without warning.

Mia’s mother was also attacked by the dog, named Niko, when she tried to intervene. She managed to grab Mia and lock herself in a bedroom, handing Mia out a window to responding police. Mia would later die at the hospital from fatal wounds to her head, face and torso. She would have turned five next week.

Officers initially shot Niko three times as the attempted to enter the apartment, but had to shoot him an additional 10 times when Niko attacked them once they gained entry.

“The pit bull was running loose inside the apartment acting in a very vicious manner,” said Houma Police Chief Todd Duplantis. “Officers used lethal force by shooting the dog to eliminate the threat of additional injuries.”

Terrebonne Parish President Michel Claudet said Niko was one of two pit bulls in the apartment.…

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Couple Accused Of Starving Their 9 Month Old BabyPhoenix, AZ — A couple of shitstains out in Phoenix were arrested this week for allegedly neglecting and/or refusing to feed their 9-month-old son. Kid tipped the scales at a whoppin’ 7 pounds during a recent medical exam.

On March 19, when the child was seen by medical staff, his father, 32-year-old Ryan Morris, reportedly told police he had not been fed since the beginning of March.

Mom, 27-year-old Veronica Diaz, reportedly told police she ran out of formula on March 12, and had been giving the child one bottle of water during the day and a little bit of regular milk before bed up until the 19th.

When asked why she didn’t feed the child, Diaz first responded with “I don’t know.” At which point I would have lunged across the table and pummeled her stupid face. She then claimed that she had no money. And, dammit, she had four other kids that had to be fed and taken care of, so she just kinda “gave up” on the littlest one.…

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Cameo Crispi Jailed After Attempting To Set Fire To Exs House With BaconNaples, UT — A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after allegedly attempting to burn down her ex-boyfriend’s home by intentionally leaving a pound of bacon burning on a gas stove.

GUILTY! OFF WITH HER HEAD!

It all started when Cameo Crispi’s ex called police on March 14 to complain that he had received numerous texts and phone calls from her within the range of one hour, and he really wanted her to knock it the fuck off already. He also told police he didn’t want Crispi at his home. Crispi. Heh.

An officer was dispatched to the man’s home and found smoke pouring out the front door. Inside, an “impaired” Crispi.

When the officer stepped inside the man’s home, he noticed a wood stove left open with a fire burning inside and hot coals on the floor around the stove. And on the kitchen stove, claimed the officer, there was a cookie sheet with about a pound of bacon on it. Now, bear with me, people….. this part of the story is extremely difficult for me.…

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Teen Used Handgun, Shotgun, Knife And Machete To Kill FamilyCOEUR d’ALENE, ID – Police have arrested 14-year-old Eldon Samuel III and charged him with the brutal murder of his father and younger brother.

Police say Samuel called 911 Monday night to report a shooting had occurred at his family’s home. When police arrived, they found Samuel at the residence, along with the dead bodies of his father, Eldon Samuel Jr., 46, and his younger brother, Jonathan Samuel, 13.

Authorities say a handgun, shotgun, knife and machete were used in the murders, and that Samuel shot his father in the head and then shot, stabbed and cut his younger brother.

Samuel was arrested at the scene and charged with two counts of first-degree murder. The Kootenai County Sheriff’s Office said the teen will be charged as an adult. Samuel is currently being held in the Kootenai County Public Safety Building on a $1 million bond.

Because I have written so many articles regarding teens killing family members, I have warned my kids that if I even perceive them as any form of a threat, I will beat them to death in their sleep without a moment’s hesitation.…

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Man Accused Of Hitting Girlfriend With His Anger Management BookSPARTANBURG, SC - A couple were arrested after a man was accused of hitting his girlfriend with his anger management book and she was accused of stabbing him with a boxcutter.

Police were called to a home Monday night on a domestic disturbance call and found 23-year-old Tyler Ford suffering from a deep cut on his forearm while his girlfriend, 22-year-old Sheelah Thompson, had a bump on her forehead.

Thompson told police that she and Ford got into an argument over their relationship while watching a movie. Thompson said her boyfriend strangled her, hit her with his rolled up anger management book and threatened to kill her.

She added that Ford put her phone in the oven to prevent her from calling for help and “popped” their infant daughter on the legs because she was crying.

Ford’s story was a little different and painted Thompson as the instigator of the argument, as well as the winner of the fight that ensued. He claimed the argument started after he began asking Thompson why she purposely tries to anger him, knowing he takes anger management classes.…

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Teacher Accused Of Giving Teen Student Blowjob In Her ClassroomHouston, TX – A Texas middle school teacher is facing sexual assault charges after she was accused of giving a 15-year-old student a blowjob in her classroom.

According to Harris County court documents, police began investigating 43-year-old Corrie Anne Long after a student at Hopper Middle School informed staff that they’d witnessed some odd behavior between Long and one of her math students. They said they witnessed the student smack the teacher on the ass, and had seen Long sitting on the boy’s lap.

When police talked to the student allegedly involved in an appropriate relationship with Long, he told them he had known long since sixth-grade, and that she performed oral sex on him in her classroom last November. After hugging the boy’s penis with her mouth, she told him not to tell anyone or she would lose her job.

Long,  who’s been with the school district since 2002, was subsequently removed from her position at the school and is currently on administrative leave. She is not allowed back on campus pending the outcome of the police investigation.…

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Autumn Glick Arrested After Assaulting Elderly Man At Lowes For Cutting In LineCAPE CORAL, FL –  Autumn Glick is facing a felony charges after the 32-year-old allegedly got upset with an elderly customer at Lowe’s and assaulted him in the parking lot.

On March 20th, police were called to the store after a verbal confrontation between two customers turned violent. It reportedly started  after Glick accused an elderly man of cutting in line at the holding area in the store’s garden area.

Glick began verbally assaulted the man and followed him into the parking lot where she jumped into the bed of the man’s pickup truck and began tossing bags of mulch out of the bed he’d just purchased. Witnesses say she also slapped and kicked the man before leaving.

Several witnesses at the scene described the incident to police, and they were provided with clear cellphone video of the assault that helped them identify Glick as their suspect. When officers arrived at her home, she refused to come out and talk to them because she said she knew she would be arrested and she had no one to care for her children until her husband got home from work.…

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Couple Arrested After Beating 7 Year Old Boy With Metal Pipe For Eating FunyunsPHOENIX, AZ – Police have arrested the mother and stepfather of a 7-year–old boy and accused them both of beating him with a metal pipe.

According to authorities, the boy got into trouble after his mother, Franchesca Castro, picked him up from daycare and found an empty bag of Funyuns in one of the boy’s pockets. He explained that another boy at the daycare had given him the snack, but for reasons unexplained, Castro became very upset.

When they arrived home, Castro told the boy’s stepfather, 25-year-old Jay Cason, about the grievous offense the boy had committed. She then began beating the kid with a large, metal pipe. When she was done, she tagged Cason who entered the ring and beat the boy with the pipe as well.

After he was finished, Cason instructed the boy to go put some ice on his ass. When the boy dropped some ice, Cason hit him again.

No word on who called the Phoenix Fire Department, but four days later they responded to a report of a boy with severe injuries to his back.…

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Woman Torches Mans Car After He Refuses To Buy Her A McFlurryJacksonville, FL — According to witnesses, a woman torched a man’s car after he refused to buy her a McFlurry early Sunday morning. No word on what flavor the pouty bitch wanted…

“They were going at it,” Sabryna Maré said of the couple who was standing behind her in line. “She was saying she wanted this and wanted that, and she wanted either a McFlurry or an ice cream on top and he was not in for it. Then he was yelling at her saying he’s not going to do it.”

And then, well….

Witnesses claim hearing the identified woman tell the unidentified man that she was going to “blow it up.” She grabbed the keys to the man’s 1994 El Dorado and ran outside. Armed with alcohol and gasoline, though no one really knows where she got it, the woman started pouring. Then, the match… because she apparently didn’t have what it takes to cut the man’s dick off.

Witnesses attempted to help the man put the flames out, but the car was “engulfed” by the time firefighters arrived.…

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Drunk Woman Shows Up Naked To Visit Jailed Husband, Gets Her Own CellReston, VA – An inebriated 26-year-old woman was arrested Saturday evening after allegedly showing up at the Arlington Magistrate’s Office in her birthday suit, hoping to see her recently incarcerated hubby.

It is unclear as to whether Maura Fussell had been clothed at some point before entering the building, or whether she arrived all nekkid. Either way, she was bare. And drunk.

Officers apparently gave her many opportunities to put some damn clothes on, or at least take a cab home, but Fussell reportedly refused.

That refusal earned her an overnight stay at the old Graybar Hotel. She’s been charged with indecent exposure and drunk in public. I’m assuming they released her after she sobered up a bit.

No word on what landed hubby in the slammer.…

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Man Wanted For Sucking Womans Toes At WalmartLincolnton, NC — Ladies! And guys with pretty feet, maybe. If the dude in the picture to the left approaches you as you stroll through the shoe aisle at Walmart and feeds you some line, like, “Hey, I’m a future podriatist! Can I have a peek at your piggies?” Just. Say. No. Chances are, he’s not a real podiatrist. *gasp* Those gynecology students that you run into at the Taco Bell, though? Totally legit.

This creep apparently struck up the “I’m studying podiatry” conversation with a woman inside the Linconlton Walmart Monday, and somehow convinced her to try on several pairs of shoes. As she was doing so, police say, the man got the woman’s foot to his mouth and began sucking on her toes. Without even wiping them down with a Handi Wipe or something. He fled the store after the woman yanked her foot from his grasp.

Police soon learned the man had attempted another toe sucking at a nearby Walmart just a short time before this alleged incident.…

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McDonalds Bathroom Peeper Arrested After Getting Stuck Under Stall DoorMemphis, TN — After brazenly following a woman into the women’s room at a McDonald’s restaurant Thursday, and attempting to reach out and grab her from under the stall door, this tubby skeeve could do little more than grunt and wiggle after getting himself stuck between the bottom of the door and the nasty floor.

The alleged victim told police she was using the toilet when Ronald Henderson’s derpy face appeared under the door. She screamed at him to get out, she said, but he kept coming… trying to grab her leg. At some point during this creepy fucking scene, Henderson got stuck. It was then that the victim made her escape.

No details about how or when Henderson managed to free himself from under the door, or if he was still there when police arrived, but after the victim positively identified him at the scene, Henderson was transported to jail. He’s been charged with assault and observation without consent. Bond was set at $100.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if the police got the right man.…

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Woman Charged After Attempting To Slice Hubbys Penis Off With Box Cutter New Castle, PA – Lisa Jones-Orock, 39, was arrested Friday after allegedly attempting to remove her husband’s penis with a box cutter.

When authorities responded to the couple’s home, Lisa insisted that her husband, 56-year-old Gerald Orock, was the aggressor in the physical confrontation. Accused of attacking her with a knife, Mr. Orock was placed under arrest.

Once at the cop shop, though, police learned that while Mr. Orock wasn’t exactly a saint, he was the victim in this particular case. Police say he had cuts to his arms and hands that appeared to be defensive wounds. His jeans had been cut near the crotch area and there wera a few cuts on his legs. Kinda backed his claims that Lisa was the crazy one — she’d tried to slice his dick off.

Lisa was taken into custody and charged with aggravated assault, simple assault and harassment. And because a small bag of pot was found in her purse, possession of marijuana. She also had an outstanding bench warrant for DUI,

Gerald was kept behind bars for possession of marijuana and for violating a protection from abuse order his wife had previously taken out.…

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Mother, Aunt Charged After Baby Drinks Six Shots Of VodkaHOUSTON, TX – The mother and aunt of a 1-year-old girl are both facing charges after the little girl was admitted to the hospital suffering from alcohol poisoning.

On February 8, police were called to a home where a man said his young daughter had been dropped off by his mother and was now unresponsive. When emergency personnel arrived, they found the 1-year-old had turned into Jaded on any given day of the week; moaning, smelling of alcohol and covered in vomit.

The girl was taken to the hospital where it was determined she had suffered alcohol poisoning and a BAC of over .26. The girl’s father told police that she was like that when she’d been dropped off after being cared for by her mother, 17-year-old Shadreon Jefferson and Jefferson’s sister, 24-year-old Shamara Batiste.

When deputies interviewed Jefferson, she told them she’d fallen asleep and woke up to find that Batiste had given the girl about six shots of vodka. Instead of taking the girl to the hospital, they simply dropped the baby girl off at her father’s home to let him deal with it.…

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James Guy Bull Accused Of Raping 8 Month Old PuppyDaytona Beach, FL — A 61-year-old man has been charged with two counts of animal cruelty after neighbors told police they had seen him sexually assault his 8-month-old puppy multiple times.

When police made contact with the neighbors, they were informed that James Guy Bull had been seen digitally penetrating the pup on more than one occasion, causing the animal to yelp and holler. On another occasion, the witnesses claimed, Bull was seen sitting on a chair on his porch, pants around his ankles, with his junk all up in the dog’s rear end. Again, the dog could be heard whining and crying. When Bull realized he had an audience, he simply put the dog down and pulled up his draws.

No word on why, if they had seen this shit on multiple occasions, they didn’t inform police prior to this.

The dog was found chained to a post on the porch without food, shelter or water. She was skittish and emaciated, police say, and had a very swollen vagina.…

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