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In The Mean Time...

Salem, MA – Angelique Griffin, a 25-year-old DB’s Golden Banana strip club worker and mother of 3-year-old twins, has been charged with motor vehicle homicide and operating under the influence of alcohol in a fatal collision that occurred on June 16th at about 4 AM.

Police reports indicate that Griffin got behind the wheel of her PT Cruiser against her better judgement when it was time to leave a gathering with her friends.  She claims to have had two beers and two “very strong” Red Bull vodka drinks, but that she felt she was in better shape to drive than any of the other candidates.  Griffin offered Dillon Renard, who would have turned 20 at the end of this month, a ride home even though she did not seem to know him very well.  He got into the front passenger seat.

While driving down Boston Road in Salem, Griffin claims that Renard was trying to get to know her a little better, making unwelcome sexual advances while she was driving.  “He would not stop touching me,” she said. …

Cracked Spine Short: I, Zombie Chapter Draft

June 19, 2012 at 8:19 am by  

Here, Now — If you have been on this site for any amount of time, then you have heard of Hugh Howey or may even know him. We recently reviewed his Amazon Bestseller, the Wool Omnibusand now I eagerly await his next book, a zombie book titled I, ZOMBIE.

I can hear some of you complain, “Ah, man… another zombie book?” Yeah, it is indeed a saturated market at the moment. The public really love their zombies. But let me tell you why this is my most anticipated book. I, ZOMBIE will detail a zombie outbreak from the viewpoint of multiple characters. But unlike the plethora of other zombie books out there, these tales will not be told by a group of survivors, it will be told from the zombies themselves.

Imagine that you have been turned into a zombie and have found yourself in your infant’s room. No hope for the poor kid as you reach into his crib and then lift his soft belly up to your mouth and begin chewing.…

Madison, SD – Carl Ericsson, 73, was sentenced to life in prison for shooting former classmate, Norman Johnson, over a locker room incident that occurred more than 50 years ago.  Ericsson pleaded “guilty but mentally ill” to second-degree murder last month.

In January, Ericsson drove to Johnson’s house, rang the doorbell, confirmed his victim’s identity, and shot him dead.

Now, I’ve been known to hold a grudge or two, particularly against people I never really liked in the first place, but I could probably stand to take a few lessons from Mr. Ericsson.  After all, my methods of revenge are fairly lightweight by comparison, usually involving the surreptitious placement of my precious bodily fluids in items intended for my victim’s consumption.

It seems as though Johnson, who was a popular track star back in high school once placed a jockstrap on the head of Ericsson, who was serving as a student sports manager at the time.  I have no idea what a “student sports manager” is, but I’m going to assume that it’s something at least mildly humiliating; akin to being a water boy for the football team. …

Laredo, TX —  The mother of a 6-year-old child says a teacher instructed an entire classroom of kindergartners to line up and slap her son because of his alleged bullying. Now two Salinas Elementary School teachers have been placed on leave, and the mother of the boy wants criminal charges filed.

The incident happened in May, but the boy never told his mother about it. It only came to light after one of the teachers present alerted school officials two weeks after it happened, and after a police report of the incident reached the county district attorney.

There’s two versions of what happened, neither of which are acceptable, but the mother’s version is a bit more extreme while the teacher’s version is a bit more believable.

According to the mother, her son admits he had been acting up in line. His teacher, described as “relatively young,” asked another teacher what she should do to curtail his bullying. The other teacher took the boy into her classroom and had him sit down before instructing 24 other kindergartners to file past him and give him a nice slap.…

Lake Charles, LA – Charles Lee Bergeron Sr., 80, pleaded guilty in December to 12 counts of oral sexual battery, 12 counts of indecent behavior and one count of sexual battery.  Prosecutor Cynthia Guillory asked Judge Clayton Davis to impose the maximum sentence possible, citing him as the “sickest of the sick.”

After reading countless articles about Luca Magnotta, I’m not sure I completely agree with Guillory, but I’m definitely willing to give Bergeron a Pedophile Medal of Honor and perhaps some sort of Lifetime Achievement Award for his noteworthy career in criminal deviancy, a career that started as far back as his first arrest in 1975.

Bergeron’s M.O., it seems, would be to invite young boys to his home, intoxicate them with alcohol and/or drugs until they’d passed out, and then perform oral sex on them.  “He said he told them that he was an old man and needed testosterone … needed their semen to live, basically,” Guillory said. “Now that’s sick.”  Bergeron certainly didn’t make it easy on himself, as I can’t imagine extracting semen from the penis of a heavily-drugged individual would be the easiest way to go, no matter what the age of the victim. …

LORAIN, Ohio — A judge in Ohio threw a man in jail for three days because he showed up in his courtroom wearing sagging britches.

I could easily fill this article making fun of the people I see on a daily basis wearing their pants below their ass waddling down the sidewalk with their boxers showing. I don’t get it, but I grew up in the ’80s and didn’t get why men wore things like this, this and this.

But no matter what style of the times is being lauded as another sign of societal decline, there are just certain times when common sense says you just should not wear them. A funeral, a job interview or standing in front of a judge are just a few examples. One man found that out the other day after he chose to go inside Lorain Municipal Court Judge Mark Mihok’s courtroom with his pants on the ground and his underwear showing.

Durrell Brooks was in Mihok’s courtroom last Thursday, accompanying a woman facing a traffic violation, to tell the judge that he had insurance on the car the woman had been driving when she got into an accident.…

Cincinnati, OH — Charles Marshall, 28, was cited for disorderly conduct late Wednesday after employees at a health clinic found him masturbating with a teddy bear in an alley behind the clinic.

As is evident by the title, this isn’t Marshall’s first go-round with the police or a stuffed animal – this is his fourth time he’s been busted for buggerin’ a stuffed bear.

According to the fine folks over at The Smoking Gun, Marshall was first arrested in February of 2010, after witnesses reported seeing him going to town on a teddy bear in the men’s room of a public library. That charge prompted a judge to ban Marshall from all public libraries in Hamilton County.

He was slapped with similar charges in November of that year. The arresting officer in that particular case noted on the police report that Marshall’s public indecency with a teddy bear had been an “ongoing problem.”

He was arrested once more in August of 2011. Police accused him of masturbating with a teddy bear in a place where minors were likely present.…

Mentor, OH — A man with a sack full ‘o cash and a dream was taken into custody earlier this week for pitching a fit at a nail salon after being denied a mani-pedi.

Charles Swinney, 43, apparently stumbled into the Asian Nails salon late Tuesday evening and asked for a manicure and pedicure, offering up $100 for the service. When told by salon employees that the store was closing soon and they would not be able to assist him, Swinney reportedly started whining that said procedure was on his Bucket List and he wanted it now, dammit.

According to police, Swinney then tried to sweeten the deal with an additional $200. Now, I don’t know what nail techs are making these days, but this girl’s ass woulda stuck  around an extra hour to service the odd-looking little man. The techs at Asian Nails, however, couldn’t be swayed and police were called after Swinney refused to leave the premises.

Swinney was taken into custody after a brief struggle. Police say he had a large amount of cash in one hand and was in possession of a bag he claimed contained nearly $10,000.…

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Police say a couple took the law into their own hands when they allegedly tracked down their 17-year-old daughter’s pimp and then shot him to death.

Barry Gilton and Lupe Mercado say their daughter was lured away from home by a Compton gang member, 22-year-old Calvin Sneed, who then became her pimp. They say they tried talking to their daughter, tried getting police involved, and even placed her name in missing and exploited children registries, but were unable to get their daughter out from under Sneed’s influence.

But some of their problems were solved in the early morning hours of June 4 when Sneed was murdered–shot in the head while driving in an area close to the couple’s home near San Francisco’s Candlestick Park. The shooter was in a silver Mercedes-Benz SUV, according to prosecutors, and they say that shooter was Gilton.

In fact, they don’t believe this was the couple’s first attempt to take Sneed’s life. On the night of May 27, along Vineland Avenue in North Hollywood, an unknown shooter walked up to Sneed as he sat in his car  and fired nine shots.…

Port St. Lucie, FL – The ravishing beauty to the left is Barbara Hall, 60, and she’s pretty “old school” when it comes to slippery situations.  Police were recently called to her home on May 30th, responding to a domestic disturbance call, only to find Hall’s boyfriend, 45, with red marks on his arms and chest and a small laceration on the side of his face.

As the police report goes, Hall and her boyfriend were engaged in an act bordering on bestiality when it became apparent to Hall that they were going to require a bit of help in the lubrication department.  God, I hope this feeling I’m having isn’t a stomach flu coming on.  In any case, she sent him into the kitchen to get…olive oil(?), which I’d always thought was used mainly for tossing salad, but maybe it’s simply a vag-friendly alternative to peanut oil?

When he returned, Hall then asked him if he’d also brought Pam, meaning the popular cooking spray.  And now the contents of my stomach are bubbling up to alarming heights. …

Melbourne Beach, FL – Juergen “No-Neck” Heinricher, 30, was under arrest Saturday afternoon after allegedly swimming in the nude with his girlfriend’s 11-year-old daughter, and then attempting to lock a nurse in a bedroom of the house.

Heinricher was apparently alone at his girlfriend’s house with two of her children, one of whom was in the pool with him, when a nurse arrived to treat him for some sort of on-going medical condition.  Heinricher was reportedly nude at the time, while the daughter was clothed.  Seeming to recognize that he was in a compromising position with an adult witness to his skulduggery, he allegedly grabbed the nurse by the arm and attempted to drag her into a bedroom.

She indicates that she resisted, at which point our hero locked the front door, attempting to detain her.  There’s no word on what he was entertaining for his next brilliant move.  Whatever it might have been, it thankfully didn’t matter, as the police arrived to “investigate a disturbance” reported by an as-yet-unnamed source.…

Shiner, TX — There’s a bit more information regarding the man who beat another man to death after catching him sexually molesting his daughter. It helps paint a better picture of what transpired that day. Still no names, though.

A 23-year-old father was barbecuing with his family on a rural, trademark ranch when his 5-year-old daughter ran behind a nearby barn to feed some chickens.

Some time later the girl’s father heard her screaming and ran to investigate. There, behind the barn, he found a 47-year-old acquaintance of the family in the the act of sexually assaulting his daughter.

The father pulled the man off and repeatedly punched him in the head before calling 911 to inform police of what happened. By time they arrived, the unidentified man was already dead. A preliminary autopsy report shows the man had died from blunt-force head and neck injuries.

The man was known in the area for his horse grooming capabilities and had arrived at the ranch with a few other people. While the father’s family reportedly knew the man, it has not been reported if he was known to the girl or her father.…

St. Petersburg, FL – Your daily dose of “totally batshit crazy” comes to you courtesy of Danielle Harkins, 35, a literacy teacher at Lealman and Asian Neighborhood Family Center, and yet-to-be-certified loon.  Harkins gathered a group of seven teens, all of Asian descent and former students of hers, to an area near a pier in St. Pete just before dusk on Saturday.

She allegedly built a small fire and informed the group that they needed to release their demons by cutting themselves.  They were then told that they were required to burn the wounds to prevent said demons from returning.  What’s ridiculous about this is that she believes demons can only exit the body through a wound.  Personally, I release mine wound-free and daily in the bathroom, usually after my morning coffee.  But then, maybe that’s why they’re always returning.  Pesky demons.  I’m new to bizarre religious zealotry, so that might explain my gross ignorance on the topic.

“Obviously, it’s very strange,” said St. Petersburg police spokesman Mike Puetz. “The motivations for the ritual are very unknown to us.”  Previously, I was under the impression that motivations were either simply “known” or “unknown,” but Mr.…

MESA, AZ — A woman in Arizona has been accused of stabbing her husband in the back after the couple got into an argument over one of those dumbass Cosmo quizzes.

Noelle Clough, 23, called police on Monday saying that her husband was cut in the back and needed stitches. According to the police report, while she was on the phone she said her husband was choking her so she stabbed him.

When police arrived they found Clough’s husband suffering from a stab wound to the back. When police approached Clough, she informed them that she was a monster and asked to be shot and locked up forever. She told the responding officers that she and her husband had been drinking for a while when they began arguing over a Cosmo quiz and ex-lovers.

She said that the argument became more heated and that her husband threw two knives on the kitchen floor and instructed her to stab him. As he was walking away, she says she meant to cut her husband with a 4-inch blade paring knife, but accidentally stabbed him instead.…

Cleveland, OH — No good deed goes unpunished. That’s a motto I agree with 100 percent and one that a man in Ohio learned the hard way after he let his homeless son move back into his house.

Prosecutors say that 84-year-old Frank Shull let his son, 56-year-old Byron Shull, and his son’s girlfriend, move into his home because Byron was a jobless, recovering alcoholic with nowhere to live.

But instead of being thankful for the help he was receiving from his father, Byron got upset that he had to abide by the rules his father instated while living under his roof. Completely asinine rules like no drinking or smoking the house. So Byron decided to get a little revenge.

“Traditionally the father drinks milk with each meal. When he got his glass of milk that morning, Byron had put at least one bottle of Visine into the milk,” said Cuyahoga County Assistant Prosecutor Andy Nichol.

Byron claims it was meant as a harmless prank, because poisoning your elderly father is hilarious.…

Ottawa, Canada – Two 15-year-old girls who were arrested on Friday and Saturday are facing charges that include human trafficking, robbery, abduction, forcible confinement, and sexual assault after police launched a sting into what was believed to be a prostitution ring.

The two girls were allegedly running the operation, whose victims ranged in age from 13 to 17, with another girl, aged 17.  The 17-year-old is yet to be located.  One of the accused is also facing charges for delivering a noxious substance.

Police are reporting that the victims were taken to an apartment complex “for social reasons,” but were then transported against their will to various locations to meet with adults for sex.  The accused cannot be named under the Youth Criminal Justice Act.

“When you think of human trafficking and the stereotypes that go with it, right or wrong, you don’t think of three young-offender girls,” Staff Sgt. John McGetrick told CTV Ottawa. “It’s shocking for our team. They’ve never seen anything like this.”

He also said that he does not believe the teens were acting on behalf of an adult, but that they were engaging in their activities on their own initiative.

Montreal, CA — A Montreal area teacher has been suspended with pay after showing the infamous 1 Lunatic, 1 Ice Pick video.

The video, which allegedly shows the murder of Jun Lin, is probably not part of the approved curriculum for high-school students, but one unnamed teacher is obviously a real free spirit.  To his credit, he did ask for a show of hands before showing the video, so that makes it okay, right?

The video, which was circulated on the Internet before the murder of Lin was discovered, shows the killer stabbing and dismembering the body of Jun Lin, a Chinese exchange student, and then proceeding to sexually violate and cannibalize the corpse.

Parents and administrators are understandably outraged that the teacher felt this was appropriate for high-school students.  The Commission Scolaire Marguerite-Bourgeoys (the school board responsible for the area) released a statement on Wednesday stating, “we condemn with one voice the actions of the teacher who showed students a video whose content was as inappropriate as it was offensive,” and assured the media that “the incident is being taken very seriously.”

Quebec Education Minister Michelle Courchesne stated “It displays a total lack of judgement” on behalf of the teacher and called the incident “frightening.”  The teacher has since apologized to the school via email. …

Orlando, FL – Larchmont, New York’s own John Oldham, 68, was arrested and charged on Monday with two counts of lewd or lascivious exhibition after allegedly exposing himself to two girls, aged 7 and 9, at Disney’s Animal Kingdom Lodge swimming pool.  Public records show Oldham runs TargetVision Entertainment, an independent TV program distributor/media production company.

Oldham reportedly was targeting young girls who were wearing goggles and could presumably see clearly underwater.  The 9-year-old victim says that she was swimming when she almost bumped into Oldham.  She said that the man had his swim trunks hiked up to his waist on one side, exposing what she describes as something resembling…wait for it…a “dog chew toy.”

Upon further investigation, she identified it as his “private,” and later described it to investigators as “disgusting.”  I’m inclined to believe her, even though kids are known to be compulsive liars, often citing me as a “nanny-nanny-poopie-pants,” which I am absolutely not.  After the incident, the girl told her father about what had happened.

Around the same time, Oldham reportedly targeted a 7-year-old victim, who also claims to have had the distinct displeasure of glimpsing his junk. …