Sherri Papini Missing After Going For Daylight Jog, Phone Found On Side Of RoadWoman Finds Sex Offender Hiding Under Stairs, Her Son Shoots Him In FaceSchizophrenic Accused Of Killing Woman By Pushing Her In Front Of Oncoming Subway TrainTeen Accused Of Beating Grandmother To Death Because She Hid His BeerWoman Charged With Attempted Murder In Baby’s Hanging At DaycareMan Ran Woman Off Road Then Raped Her In Ditch For Two HoursPregnant Girlfriend Pours Boiling Water On FIU Football Star For AttentionBrock Martin Pleads Guilty To Kidnapping Girl, 6, Raping Her In BackyardMother Accused Of Injecting Feces Into Son’s IV During Cancer TreatmentsWorker Crushed To Death While Working Inside Recycling Machine

In The Mean Time...

HENDERSONVILLE, TN — Police say that a teenager accused of murdering his mother not only smiled as he confessed, but that he told them he was smiling as he beat her to death.

The 15-year-old has been accused of beating his mother to death with a blunt object before trying to burn the house down with his 16-year-old brother still inside.

The older brother says that after a smoke alarm woke him up just after midnight Saturday morning, he ran to check on his mother, 46-year-old Melanie Davis. He would find her beaten to death in her bed. The boy ran from the home and went to a neighbor for help.

Dispatcher: “You need police, fire or medical?”
Neighbor: “I need both. The neighbor came across the street saying his mom is dead in the bed and it looks like a fire in the game room.”
Dispatcher: “Now is she for sure dead? Or do they think that?”
Neighbor: “I don’t know. I’m not going in the house until someone gets here.…

Gainsville, FL – Kristin Sabella, 42, was arrested Sunday and charged with damage to property over $200 and aggravated assault after allegedly stabbing her boyfriend’s dog and SUV during an argument.

The accused’s boyfriend was simply returning some keys, possibly because he had recently become aware that sex with crazy chicks is usually pretty freaky-good, but probably not worth it in the long-term.  An argument ensued, and Sabella reportedly grabbed a knife and chased him with it.  In the process of what was likely a fairly whacky episode, Sabella is believed to have stabbed the hood of her boyfriend’s SUV, as well as the backside of his dog, causing 1.5-inch stab wound and a 3-inch cut next to it.

Now, when I hear about a dog being stabbed in the hind-quarters, I immediately assume it’s got something to do with an illegal alien and a porksword.  Not the case here.  It’s also worth noting that Sabella was able to puncture the hood of an SUV with a knife.  I’ve never tried it, admittedly, but it sounds pretty hardcore to me, unless it was a Ginsu knife, of course, since those mother-effers can cut through freakin’ anything like it’s butter and never, ever need sharpening!…

Ocala, FL – 29-year-old Rose Ann Gray was arrested yesterday morning after allegedly stealing a cooler containing 18 cans of piss-water Busch beer and striking a 69-year-old man on the head with a large flashlight when he protested.

The victim, Arthur Wilde, stated that he had given the accused vision of demure beauty a ride to a home on 199th street.  When they arrived, Gray reportedly took the cooler, which was not hers, out of the vehicle.  When Wilde objected, Gray allegedly grabbed a large Fleshlight® flashlight, bonked him on the head with it, then proceeded to bring the cooler into the house.

Wilde drove to his home and called police to report the theft.  Authorities, who noted a large bump on the man’s head, proceeded to the house on 199th street to find the cooler, empty, on the porch.

Now here’s the only reason I’m writing this story up:

Gray’s ultra-imaginative version of the story is that the cooler fell out of the vehicle as Wilde drove off.  The bump on his head resulted from his falling out of the truck and striking his head on the flashlight which, I guess, was just lying there in the road waiting for his skull.…

Ravenna Township, OH – A grand jury indicted an 18-year-old on two counts of rape yesterday after he was accused of raping his girlfriend’s 15-month-old daughter.

Earlier this month, 18-year-old Logan Andrew West was accused of raping his girlfriend’s 15-month-old baby, causing her serious internal injuries, and was charged with two felony counts of rape of a child under the age ten.

On August 4, EMS were called to a home in regards to an injured 15-month-old. Because of the severity of the injuries, the infant was transported to the hospital where it was determined the injuries were the result of a sexual assault. She was treated and released to her mother on August 6.

The following investigation revealed that West was one of several people at the home at the time of the assault. After cooperating with investigators, he was arrested and charged with raping the infant.

During his first arraignment West appeared before the judge, via video, wearing protective garb worn by inmates who are at risk of harming themselves.…

Yakima, WA – A 13-year-old boy was arrested last Sunday morning and held on $100,000 bail for allegedly climbing through the window of a racy coffee stand and groping the lone barista on duty.

Moulin Brew is a coffee stand where bikini-sporting baristas serve customers coffee and optionally perform suggestive dances called “Five Dollar Hollers” for…ummmm…five dollars, I guess?  Anyway, at about 7:30 AM, our troubled, testosterone-fueled hero arrived alone, driving his mother’s minivan.  He reportedly ordered some coffee and multiple dances.

The dances and the hormones they ignited proved too much for the boy, it seems, as he reportedly climbed through the window and began grabbing at the barista’s presumably lovely lady parts.  She was able to reach a phone to call for help, which prompted the boy to exit the way he came, jump back in the grocery-getter, and drive off.

Police apprehended him about 20 minutes later, driving on an interstate near his home in Toppenish.  He has been charged with first-degree burglary and indecent liberties, but his name is being withheld because of his age.…

LEHIGH COUNTY, PA — In what some may call a mercy killing, a woman in Pennsylvania was charged with the stabbing death of her fiancé, hours before they were to be married.

Hours before 31-year-old Na Cola Darcel Franklin and 36-year-old Billy Brewster were supposed to be married Saturday morning, Franklin allegedly used a knife to stab Brewster in the heart during an early morning argument.

According Monique Kali,  the wife of Brewster’s cousin, the couple got into an argument inside the apartment they shared. When she heard someone yell “knife!” she went to investigate. She told police she saw her husband standing between Brewster, who was bleeding from his side, and Franklin, who was waving a knife around. Not wanting to see her husband stabbed, Kali tackled Franklin to the ground while her husband took the knife away from Franklin.

Police would arrive on the scene to find Brewster bleeding to death from two stab wounds, one of which had punctured his heart. He was pronounced dead at the hospital an hour later and Franklin was arrested on one count of homicide.…

Tulsa, OK – Alicia Anne Croney, 24, was arrested on Sunday for child abuse after police allege she repeatedly struck her 5-year-old son with a plastic bag full of glass shards.  She claims the incident was punishment for his playing video games when he was not supposed to be.

This performance puts Croney squarely in the running for “Puma’s Positive Reinforcement Award.”  You’re all invited to the awards ceremony, which is to take place in my dimly-lit basement.  A red carpet will be laid on top of the dirt floor to obscure the newly-disturbed earth.  You’re free to bring your own shovels, but one will be provided to you should you forget.

Croney told police that she removed a bag filled with broken glass from a jar that had shattered earlier in the day and proceeded to hit him “lightly” with it.  The impact reportedly caused the boy to begin screaming and bleeding profusely, however, and she opted to bring him to the hospital for his wounds.  Doctors needed to perform surgery to repair the deep gashes in his legs, and they subsequently notified police due to the severity and depth of the injuries.…

Unknown — The U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s Homeland Security Investigations is asking for the public’s help in identifying a terrifying looking woman they say is manufacturing child porn that features her engaged in sexual acts with another man and two young children.

While investigating material in an unrelated child pornography case, some poor soul on a computer forensics team found videos of an open sore nightmare, along with an adult male, sexually abusing two children. One of the kids is reportedly 5 to 7 years old while the other is 3 to 5 years old.

This week, the HSI Child Exploitation Investigations Unit’s Victim Identification Program obtained a “Jane Doe” arrest warrant for the unidentified woman after the video evidence was submitted to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. They determined that the children seen in the videos being sexually abused haven’t been identified or rescued.

These poor, poor kids. Aside from being sexually abused, the Powers That Be saw fit they are abused by Jane Doe, who looks like her breath would reek of raw sewage, and a man who would have sex with her.…

Drunk Man Drops Deuce To Avoid Arrest

August 13, 2012 at 8:53 am by  

THIBODAUX, LA – 53-year-old Wayne Benoit was pulled over by police Tuesday afternoon for driving erratically and nearly striking a cyclist.

Benoit reportedly smelled strongly of alcohol and failed a field sobriety test.  However, he really, really didn’t want to be arrested, it seems, and he felt like maybe summoning up his own personal bayou in his pants was going to significantly alter his situation.

Arresting officers allege that he began “straining really hard.”  All that straining paid off in spades as he successfully shat himself.  I’ve termed this method of escaping apprehension as “the skunk defense.”  Personally, I’ve found this approach highly effective when embroiled in a particularly bad date, but it is apparently not nearly as effective when faced with imminent arrest.

Inexplicably, the cops did not simply send him on his way to do a better job at mowing down bicyclists.  Instead, they arrested his smelly ass and brought him to jail where he blew a .20 on a blood-alcohol test, more than twice the .08 legal limit.…

Man Arrested Naked and Covered in Crisco

August 13, 2012 at 8:19 am by  

Rock Island, RI – Chad William Forber, 41, was arrested early last Monday morning when police responded to a call about a naked man wandering about.

When officers arrived, Forber was reportedly covered from head to toe in Crisco cooking spray “looking for a place to party.”  Police allege that he was carrying his shorts and the spray can with him at the time of his arrest, and said that he’d taken his shorts off because they were too big and would not stay on.

I’m a little unclear on what type of party starts with a beefy, completely lubed-up, naked dude, but I’m going to hazard a guess that I’d rather not be there, as surprise butt-sex would more-than-likely be on the menu.  Just look at that pouty, come-hither look in his mugshot.

When the cops searched Forber’s shorts, they say they found a small amount of a substance they believed to be methamphetamine.  He was charged with resisting a peace officer and possession of drug paraphernalia, both Class A misdemeanors that carry a jail sentence of up to one year.…

PALMYRA, Pa. – I normally don’t like posting missing adult stories, but since there really isn’t anything else going on today I feel like writing about, here’s one making the rounds today.

Kortne Stouffer, 21, vanished from her apartment in the early morning hours of July 29 after hanging out with a group of friends. Stouffer had returned to her apartment with an old friend she had reconnected with recently when, at around 3 a.m., she got into an altercation with her downstairs neighbor over her dog. Police were called and they ended up telling both Stouffer and her neighbors to return to their apartments.

An hour later, the downstairs neighbors made a second call to 911 because they heard “stomping and banging” coming from Stouffer’s apartment. When police arrived they found the lights were off in Stouffer’s apartment and no one answered the door when they knocked. So they left.

At 7:30, the man who stayed the night with Stouffer says he woke up to find her gone and left.…

Fair Lawn, NJ – MaryAnn Sahoury is suing production company Meredith Corporation for using her full name in an instructional breastfeeding video after a third party downloaded it from YouTube and mashed it up with a similar-looking woman who was performing graphic sex acts.

Personally, when I find myself with a boner in a socially compromising situation, the first thing I do is think of children and/or breastfeeding.  That pretty much kills any sexual desire I had, and often renders me hopelessly impotent for at least a couple of hours.

Sowhorey Sahoury says that she had such a positive experience in breastfeeding her own child that she wanted to “give back” and participate in a video that would help other mothers who might be struggling with the task.

“Breastfeeding for me was the most rewarding thing I had ever done in my life,” Sahoury told NBC News. “I wanted to share that with people. I wanted to really give back.”

Something tells me that this chick needs to get out and do something with her life.…

Terrell, TX – A Texas woman who was hospitalized after cutting off her baby’s arms in 2004 has recently been fired from her job at Walmart after a news crew told her employers of her past.

Dena Schlosser made headlines in 2004 after she cut the arms off of her 10-month-old daughter. Her daughter would die soon after. Schlosser was reportedly found covered in blood and singing church hymns. Schlosser would eventually tell psychiatrists that God had told her to do it.

A jury found Schlosser not guilty by reason of insanity. She was hospitalized until 2008 when a judged ruled that she no longer required treatment. Should would return to hospitalization in 2010.

Sometime between 2010 and now, Schlosser went from being a hospitalized mental patient to being a Walmart associate. A Walmart spokewoman says Schlosser, who now uses the last name Laettner, was hired in June. Schlosser was fired Monday after news station WFAA-TV told the company about her past.

I know that you are as outraged as I.…

GREER, SC — Police have arrested a public works commissioner after they say he assaulted his wife with a key lime pie.

Police were called to the home of 51-year-old Perry Williams after his wife called 911 Saturday night. Once there, the police observed  Williams’ wife with a bloody nose, a scratch on her face, and covered in key lime pie.

She told them that she had accidentally dropped some pie on her husband as they argued over whether or not key lime pie was a fruit. In response, she says he became angry and threw the pie in her face. She also told officers that this isn’t the first time her husband has acted violent towards her, it was just the first time she had ever reported it.

After giving police her statement, the woman said she did not want to press charges against her husband. The officers informed her that because they observed injuries, her deciding not to press charges didn’t matter, her husband would be charged by the state.…

Rye Brook, NY — A woman in New York has been accused of breaking into the home of a woman she claims her husband has been having an affair with and then sexually assaulting the alleged mistress in front of the victim’s young child.

Police say 40-year-old Giovana Osorio arrived at the vicim’s home at around 3:30 a.m. Saturday and tried to break in through a kitchen window. Being too short to climb through, she opted to use a key she had for the front door. Her husband did contract worked on the home and Osorio copied the key he used to get inside. But according to Osorio, her husband wasn’t just working inside the home. He was also having an affair with the woman who lived inside it.

That’s why police say she was breaking into the home that night. She was hoping to catch her husband in the act. What Osorio didn’t know was that her husband really was working late that night, and wasn’t at the home. The only two people Osorio encountered when she busted into an upstairs bedroom were the victim, and the victim’s 4-year-old child, in bed sleeping.…

Salt Lake City, UT – A leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS) has been charged with first-degree felony aggravated assault, first-degree felony aggravated burglary, second-degree felony sexual abuse of a child, and second-degree felony forcible sexual abuse after allegedly groping a 13-year-old girl, grabbing her mother’s bare breast, and biting the penis of the girl’s brother.

The suspect has been serving as the LDS branch president for a Spanish-speaking ward in Salt Lake County.

I have to admit that I take a small measure of joy in reporting stories like this; not because of the suffering of the victims, of course, but in the reporting of the transgressions of religious “pillars of the community.”  I really dislike religion for any host of reasons, and you can stop reading now if you think that’s douchey, because it’s not going to get any better, as Mormonism is near the top of my “most hated” list.

LDS is an excellent target for me, since I view Mormonism as more of a dangerous cult prone to pedophilia than anything else. …

Cracked Spine Book Suggestion: I, Zombie

August 9, 2012 at 10:58 am by  

Here, Now — Back in June I gave you a preview of Hugh Howey’s upcoming book I,ZOMBIE. Since I am a very important man, I got a beta version of the book to read and it was better than I expected, and I already expected it to be good.  I’ve already reviewed Hugh’s best-selling WOOL series, giving it 5 stars, and it looks like I am giving him five more. Here’s the synopsis:

This book contains foul language and fouler descriptions of life as a zombie. It will offend most anyone, so proceed with caution or not at all. And be forewarned: This is not a zombie book. This is a different sort of tale. It is a story about the unfortunate, about those who did not get away. It is a human story at its rotten heart. It is the reason we can’t stop obsessing about these creatures, in whom we see all too much of ourselves.

I won’t be spoiling anything when I tell you that I,ZOMBIE is about a zombie outbreak told from the point of view of zombies.…

Columbus, OH — A 15-year-old boy in Ohio had to be admitted to the hospital after spending four days in his room playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on his Xbox.

Tyler Rigsby spent the majority of the weekend in his room playing the game, only coming out sporadically to get a snack, use the bathroom or take a quick shower. He did not stop his gaming marathon until Teusday when he accompanied his mother to his aunt’s house. That’s where Tyler collapsed several times before being taken to the hospital.

“It’s like he was looking at me but he wasn’t there. It was like he was looking through me,” says Jennifer Thompson, Tyler’s aunt. “We were talking and I heard a thump and I looked over and he just fell.”

They called 911 when they noticed he was very pale and his lips had turned an interesting shade of blue. Paramedics rushed Tyler to the hospital where they discovered he was suffering from severe dehydration and was hooked up to an IV and pumped with the fluids he was lacking, .…