In The Mean Time...
Novosibirsk, Russia – After yesterday’s story of involuntary penectomy, I feel the desperate need to redeem myself by reporting on another such incident, only this time performed on a wholly deserving individual.
Svetlana Serafina, 25, was working behind the counter of a sauna establishment, dozing a bit on a slow day, when Dmitry Zubarev, 29, walked in pretending to be a legitimate customer. Next thing she knew, she was being struck in the head.
“I opened my eyes and saw this man standing in front of me, his teeth were clenched and he had his hands in fists, and he started punching me, then he kicked me to the ground when I tried to flee. He was tearing at my clothes and then he pulled down his trousers and put his penis in my mouth, that was when I bit down as hard as I could, and didn’t let go,” she said.
Now, I’m not a person who would ever entertain the idea of committing rape, but if I were, I like to think that I’d be smart enough to avoid the oral variety. …
Chicago, IL – Two years ago we reported on the death of Megan Duskey. She was the 23-year-old special education teacher who tried sliding down a stair’s banister during a Halloween party and plunged four stories to her death.
Now it is being reported that her family is suing the hotel.
James and Deborah Duskey have filed a lawsuit against Hilton Worldwide, the Palmer House Hilton, Surreal Chicago and Adrenaline Y2K, claiming their combined negligence was the cause of their daughter’s death.
They allege the named parties allowed party-goers to drink unlimited amounts of alcohol and failed to provide proper security to protect the drunks…from themselves?
Duskey was one of around 2,000 people who attended the Haunted Hotel Ball at Chicago’s Palmer House Hilton in 2010. She had arrived dressed as Silk Spectre from The Watchman comics (rawr) and had only been there for around 30 minutes when she attempted to slide down a banister on the hotel’s mezzanine level.
Unfortunately, she lost her balance and fell four stories to the basement level.…
Browerville, Minn. – Seth Kellen (pictured), 18, and Connor Burns, also 18, have been charged with multiple counts of sexual assault on their basketball teammates. The attacks allegedly took place in showers (surprise, surprise), hotel rooms, and elevators. The photos contained in this article are not mugshots, by the way.
Some are calling the attacks part of a hazing ritual, though County Attorney Chuck Rasmussen said this case is not viewed as hazing because “the victims included seniors, and there’s no reason for hazing seniors. Also, the victims said it didn’t feel like a hazing situation.” Read on and you’ll likely agree with me that it sounds more like the activities of psychopathic, closeted, self-hating homosexuals.
One might now ask oneself if there is a “reason” for hazing underclassmen. Now, at the risk of seeming like a sissy in the eyes of all closeted meatheads, I must admit that I’ve forever viewed hazing only as a vehicle for sociopaths to dole out punishment on others under the socially-acceptable guise of attempting to build strong bonds within groups of males. …
JACKSON MO. — Camera’s were rolling yesterday when the son of James Clay Waller, a man charged with murdering his wife, confronted a witness for the prosecution outside the courthouse before the two traded some punches.
It happened outside the Cape Girardeau County Courthouse during a 10-minute break from Waller’s preliminary hearing. His son, J.C. Waller, can be seen confronting Matt Marshall, one of the prosecution’s 17 witnesses testifying against J.C.’s old man.
Words are exchanged leading to Marshall punching J.C. in the face. J.C. returns fire and the pair get into a minor brawl. The fight ends when a group of women step in and pull J.C. off of Marshall, who had fallen on the ground. Police arrested both men shortly after.
Check out the video. If you can’t see it because of work related restrictions, trust me when I say you aren’t missing much.
We posted about this case back in July of last year, which I will now recap for those of you who may be click impaired.…
Zhejiang province, China – 41-year-old Fei Lin was asleep when several men burst into his home at about 4 AM, placed a bag over his head, cut his penis off, and left with it.
I have to admit that I haven’t slept very well since reading this story a few days ago, having had a similar scare this past winter. One night in February, I awoke in the wee hours, somewhat dazed and a little confused; you know, my normal state. In any case, I checked around for my penis, which is the first thing every male does upon waking, only to find it apparently gone. As it turns out, I had merely left the window open and inadvertently kicked my covers to the floor. I was able to locate my frigid, recoiled member with some effort, but the initial terror has stayed with me to this day.
My heart goes out to Fei Lin, who apparently has no hope of a Bobbitt-esque reattachment and subsequent pornography career, as the thieves made off with his severed schween under the cover of darkness. …
LUFKIN, TX — A woman in Texas was arrested last week after police say she waged a campaign of harassment–against herself.
Barbara Bordelon, 52, and another man called police to report a woman they did not know was harassing them with phone calls and threatening text messages. While police investigated, the mystery woman continued with the phone calls and text messages, including some that stated the pair would be attacked by friends of the woman if they did not get police to back off.
But police continued their investigation and found that the woman doing the harassing was none other than Bordelon herself. They found that the prepaid phone being used by the woman was actually purchased by Borderlon using a fake name. Once busted and presented with the proof of her deeds, Bordelon admitted to making the calls and sending the messages, but did not explain why. I am guessing a lot of her motivation has to do with Bordelon being over 50 and lacking a penis.
Bordelon, who has no prior criminal convictions, was charged with two counts of tampering with evidence and fraudulent use of identifying information. …
WOODSTOCK, Ill.— I completely missed this story when it was first being reported, but it seems as if John Wayne Gacy’s nephew, 49-year-old Raymond Kasper, is currently on trial after being charged with sexually assaulting a 12-year-old girl on multiple occasions.
Kasper was charged with predatory criminal sexual assault and aggravated criminal sexual abuse against a girl under the age of 13. The girl is the daughter of a woman Kasper has dated for years who, according to the prosecution, was sexually assaulted by Kasper multiple times between June and October of last year. During the opening statements, Assistant State’s Attorney Matthew Ciesielski told the jury about one occasion in which Kasper’s “fat, sausage like fingers” touched the girl in a sexual manner while rubbing lotion on her body after she was bitten by mosquitoes.
But Kasper’s defense attorney, Michael Barrett,says that the accusations are from a young girl who was upset with Kasper for cheating on her mother. The victim’s mother has also said that she has doubts about her daughter’s allegations, saying she thinks her daughter was trying to protect her.…
ARMSTRONG, Iowa — A man with a 40-lb jar of mercury walks into a bar. Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, right? Well it actually happened the other day in Iowa and ended with more than a dozen people, , including four children, being monitored for mercury poisoning
It all started when a construction worker remodeling a home found a plastic bottle in the basement that contained 40 pounds of liquid mercury. The man decided to take the mercury to a bar so he could show it off to his friends.
While there, someone knocked over the container, spilling half of the mercury on the floor. The bar owner attempted to clean the spill with a shop-vac and a broom. Wanna guess the worst way to clean up a mercury spill aside from lapping it up with your tongue? Not only are the broom and vacuum now contaminated, the heat from the vacuum cleaner’s motor creates even more mercury vapor in the air.
Now that around a dozen bar patrons have been exposed to the mercury, the man decided he’d had his fun and took the remaining 25 pounds of mercury back to the house–and hid it in a sandbox.…
Troy, NY – Police arrested 17-year-old Trinity Copeland for fatally shooting her father in the head with a rifle after the two argued over the unauthorized use of a credit card. In a statement to police, Copeland claims her father told her to do it.
Trinity’s father, 47-year-old Harland Copeland, had been drinking when he approached his daughter over some unauthorized debit card charges. Her father complained to the police about the charges, stating he knew where they were made but not who made them. He told Trinity police were going to look at the surveillance tapes from that day.
Knowing that they would see it was her that took the ATM card, Trinity confessed to the $154 in purchases. The reaction she received was a little more then she was bargaining for. She says her father told her that she could kill him or he’d kill her then himself.
“I was telling him I was sorry. I told him that I wanted to tell him before he saw it on video,” she said in the statement.…
Augusta, Ga — While I hate obnoxious drunks, I do love them when they are on fire because at least then they are as entertaining as they think they are. So I’d have loved to gave been at Allie Katz Bar Friday night where a drunk, 36-year-old William Bonner, talked his friends into pouring Bacardi 151 on his head and then set him on fire.
You can watch the video below and hopefully you will get as much laughter out of it as I did when the flames turn Bonner into Ghost Rider and can be seen stumbling into a table while his friends toss drinks into his face. At this point I would’ve helped toss some things in Bonner’s face as well, starting with the darts. You know, for the comedic value.
Bonner was rushed to the hospital in critical condition but released on Sunday. Police got involved because his friends called them saying that Bonner had gotten into a fight at the bar and his assailants had set the man on fire.…
Shandong, China – Giving new meaning to the phrase “rode hard and put away wet,” eighteen of China’s finest came to the aid of a woman who’d reportedly submerged into one of the province’s rivers–only to find that the “damsel in distress” was a female sex doll.
The crew had worked frantically for nearly an hour to rescue the “woman” after police responded to a call of a female possibly drowning in the river. After realizing they had just rescued someone’s blow-up lover, they held it up to the crowd of approximately 1,000 who had gathered to watch the rescue efforts who shielded their children’s eyes and dispersed.
No telling how the sex doll got in the river in the first place, but the Times of India reports that Shandong is a large producer of sex toys and supplies them across the globe.
This is the second story out of China in about a month detailing a sex toy being mistaken for something else. I don’t know if you caught it or not, but one Chinese television station sent out a young female reporter, Ye Yunfeng, to a remote village where a strange mushroom had been discovered.…
DALLAS, TX — A man in Texas is facing a handful of charges after a woman and two young children were injured when he accidentally fired his handgun inside a Walmart.
According to police, 23-year-old Todd Canady was having issues pulling out his wallet in the checkout line inside a Walmart and accidentally discharged his Springfield .40-caliber semi-automatic pistol he had hidden there.
The bullet grazed Canady’s buttocks and struck the cement floor. The resulting debris struck a woman and two children who were standing nearby but luckily for everyone, they were not seriously injured.
Canady ran from the store when an off-duty police officer tried to question him about his idiocy. He was arrested after a short chase and found to have a valid concealed handgun license, but was still charged with injury to a child, a felony, and misdemeanor charges of assault and evading arrest.
Kudos to Canady for obtaining a concealed handgun license so he could legally carry, but that means he took the required gun safety class and was fully aware of just how stupid it is to carry a loaded handgun in this fashion.…
Eugene, OR – Antone Owens, 21, was arrested Thursday, accused of breaking in to neighbors’ houses to access their computers and masturbate to Internet pornography. He has been booked on four counts of first degree burglary, one count of menacing, and one count of coercion
The pointy-headed gentleman to the left is, of course, the accused. At first, you might have an inclination to pity the poor guy, who obviously has no computer, nor access to the world’s largest, deepest, widest, wettest collection of free pornography in the known universe. Well, maybe not the wettest. In any case, that inclination would be unfounded, as Mr. Owens is a married man who owns a computer with Internet access in his own home.
In one instance, on March 20th, a woman came home to find her computer on and displaying pornography. Nearby, she noted a towel, lubricant, and a cell phone. As she picked up the cell phone, a man believed strongly to be Owens began threatening her and saying he would break the door. …
“A friend called at night and said he went fishing and wanted to get some wood for his fire. He ran into some water canisters and wanted to take them home, but when he came closer he saw little baby bodies,” local resident Sergei Tveritinov told state television.
Photographs from the site showed fetuses with tags with numbers and inscriptions that Russian media said were the names of families.
Police say that the fetuses were preserved in formaldehyde and kept in barrels marked with surnames and numbers. Depending on which article you read, it is believed that the remains are from three or four local hospitals.
“It seems the company responsible for disposal of the bio-medical waste did not carry out its duties,” the deputy head of the regional government, Vladimir Vlasov, said on state television. The fetuses have since been placed in a local morgue.…
Largo, Fl — A popular, 57-year-old puppeteer in Florida was arrested on charges of conspiring to kidnap children and possessing child pornography after chatting online with another man about his desire to kidnap, torture, rape, murder, and eat toddlers.
According to a 29-page criminal complaint compiled by Department of Homeland Security investigators, Brown came to their attention as they were in the middle of an online child porn investigation. While monitoring certain groups where pedophiles feel free to discuss their desires, investigators came across Brown and another man talking about the kids they would like to have sex with as well as Brown’s desire to kidnap a boy he knows, cutting him into pieces then cooking “a fine Easter feast.”
In other chats Brown remarked on the Florida weather and how the children in his area are running around practically naked. He also admits seeing a female toddler that made his mouth water. He would later tell investigators that all of these conversations were in the realm of fantasy and that he’d never actually hurt a child.…
EDINBURG, Texas — A character from the movie Wrong Turn called police the other day and admitted that he was the man responsible for two separate murders committed in the ’70s.
Jeffrey Cutlip is a 63-year-old sex offender with a long history of arrests and stints in prison, including an 11 year prison sentence for a 1982 first-degree sodomy and first-degree burglary conviction.
But it seems Cutlip has either grown a conscience or now needs a place to live, because he called a Texas police department on Saturday and wanted to talk to detectives “about some bad things he had done in the past.” Then, according to a police spokesman, Cutlip confessed to three to four homicides in Portland.
One of his alleged victims was 15-year-old Julie Marie Bennett. She was last seen on April 4, 1977 walking with Cutlip, then 27, after stopping in a convenience store to buy beer and cigarettes. Her body was found two days later face-down in a creek. An autopsy showed Bennett had died from drowning.…
Recently released surveillance video from Kiddie City Childcare Center in Vicksburg, Mississippi shows a 9-year-old budding sociopath kicking, biting, and hitting infants. Daycare worker Sandra Trevillion can be seen in the video – but appears unaware of the 9-year-old anti-Christ’s rampage.
Satan’s minion can be seen choking one child and hitting another. The second infant is also shown being repeatedly kicked in a manner that causes the infant to literally disappear from the video frame.
Earlier in the week, a father of one of the children in the center was arrested for hitting a child he mistakenly thought was the evil-incarnate shown in the video. The father’s anger reportedly stemmed from cuts and bruises on his 1-year-old which he attributed to the 9-year-old sadist. That father, Jamie Williams, was arrested on assault charges.
Police have interviewed Damien and his mother. Police have not said if either will face charges.…
MILFORD, CT — A 67-year-old homeowner sent a naked burglar to the hospital after shooting the intruder in the chest.
Gerald Mirto (pictured) told police that he heard a noise outside his (really, really nice) home and suspected someone was trying to break in. He armed himself and while investigating, he saw that a screen had been pushed in a window at the rear of his home and that 25-year-old Benjamin Prue, who was naked, was trying to get inside.
Once in the home, Prue charged Mirto, biting him on the arm and hitting him in the head. Mirto tried to fire a warning shot in the air but the gun jammed. Mirto was able to break free from Prue and ran upstairs to call 911 and to retrieve a second gun. When he came back down, Prue was still in the home and was attempting to steal a television.
Mirto says he pleaded with Prue to get out of his house but that, once again, Prue began assaulting him.…