In The Mean Time...
PERKINS TOWNSHIP, Ohio — A Peeping Tom in Ohio got more than he bargained for when he made the mistake of using his cell phone to secretly capture Nancy Yingling trying on clothes in a Target dressing room.
According to police, Yingling was trying on clothes at the Target on Milan Road in Perkins Township when she noticed someone was holding a cell phone underneath the changing room door.
“I reached down and snatched it out of his hand, pulled my pants up and darted out the dressing room door. That’s when I got in his face, kind of had my way with him,” said Yingling. Rawr!
As Yingling called police, the suspect, 21-year-old Zachary Van Zandt, lunged at her in attempt to retrieve his cell phone. That would be the second mistake Zandt made with Yingling.
“I pushed him off of me and then I hit him across the face, punched him across the face a few times until he went down,” said Yingling.
When police arrived at the location, a very subdued Zandt was found sitting down with his head hung low.…
Miami, FL – A naked homeless man identified as 31-year-old Rudy Eugene was shot and killed by police on Saturday while reportedly eating another naked man’s face and attempting to gouge out his eyeballs on MacArthur Causeway in downtown Miami. It turned out to be his last meal; not what I probably would have chosen, but to each his own.
Rumors are swirling about what might have precipitated the attack, ranging from cocaine psychosis to LSD to “bath salts” to the start of the long-anticipated zombie apocalypse. As a devotee of Occam’s Razor, I’m going with a fundamental and tragic misunderstanding of the game of ice hockey and the concept of the face-off, but only time might tell.
Currently, the only witness to come forward regarding the attack is Larry Vega, a bicyclist who was riding on the causeway that connects downtown Miami to Miami Beach. “The guy was, like, tearing him to pieces with his mouth, so I told him, ‘Get off!’ ” Vega said. “The guy just kept eating the other guy away, like, ripping his skin.” Telling the man to “get off” proved woefully ineffective, apparently, so Vega flagged down a Miami police officer who proved to be more potent in the effort to stop Eugene from noshing on the other man’s mug.…
Warren, MI — A 22-year-old pregnant woman and her unborn child are lucky to be alive after the expectant mother survived being abducted, set on fire and then shot.
The woman, who is 9-months pregnant, told police that the incident started after seeing a movie with her baby’s father and dropping him off at his new girlfriend’s home.
After pulling into the garage and getting out of the car, the garage door unexpectedly closed and someone grabbed her by the throat, put a gun to her head and told her to get on the ground.
According to Warren Police Commissioner Jere Green, duct tape was placed over her mouth and wrapped around her hands and feet. She was then blindfolded, placed in the back of her car and driven to an alley in Detroit.
The woman said her kidnapper had a male voice and implied that this was happening because of her pregnancy. He asked how far along she was before she felt lighter fluid being poured over her. To her horror, the next thing she heard was a match being struck before she was set on fire.…
Hickman, an apparent mooch, told police he and his brother had argued about Hickman’s lack of financial contributions to the household in the month and a half he had been staying there.
In his statement to police, Hickman claimed his brother and the mother of the two boys called him names and accused him of being “slow and stupid.”
Hickman apparently decided he had had enough of their bad-mouthin’ and decided to move out. Before he did, though, he went and proved ’em right….
“There was a bleach bottle in the kitchen,” Hickman told police. “I took the bleach and I poured it into a milk container that was in the refrigerator.”
In addition to fouling the milk, Hickman also admitted to pouring bleach into a bottle of mouthwash in the couple’s bathroom.
After drinking the spiked milk on Thursday, the boys, ages 1 and 3, became violently ill with severe vomiting and diarrhea.…
Meet Lonneshia Shafaye Appling – the 340-pound, 26-year-old woman was recently busted with a bag of pilfered goodies outside an Athens Piggly Wiggly supermarket.
According to the charging documents, another customer inside the store informed employees that she had witnessed Appling concealing numerous grocery items in a canvas bag as she perused the aisles.
When Appling approached the cash register and placed just one item on the belt, the employee questioned her about the other items allegedly concealed in her bag. And with that, Appling made a mad dash for the exit.
Employee Johnathon Orr was right on her heels, though, and when he attempted to stop the heifer from leaving the premises, he was rewarded with a dose of pepper spray to the face. When that didn’t take Orr down, Appling reportedly delivered a right hook and a loogie.…
Dupont, PA – Tiffany Ann Horner, 33, was arraigned on Thursday at Wilkes-Barre Central Court on charges that she attempted to disarm a police officer who was investigating a disturbance outside Bobby O’s restaurant on May 11th.
Police arrived at her residence following a call to police about the unusual goings-on at the aforementioned restaurant. No word on what that disturbance was, but I’m betting it was something good based solely on subsequent acts performed by the inimitable Ms. Horner.
When police arrived, they say she immediately began taunting them, which I’ve found is always the best way to ensure that everything is going to work out a-okay. The verbal taunting wasn’t enough for Ms. Horner, apparently, because she then reportedly proceeded to strip completely naked and drop a growler right on the floor. I’m guessing the officers were kind of okay with all this, but Ms. Horner’s a firecracker, people, and she crossed the line by allegedly attempting to throw her bakery-fresh fecal matter at them. Personally, I think she’s probably a nice girl with a slightly unhealthy GG Allin obsession; or maybe she’s just in touch with her inner German.…
Everett, WA — An unidentified woman of unknown age was arrested last weekend after apparently losing what was left of her mind and attacking police outside of a Seattle bar. No, that’s not what earned her a spot here at the Demon, sillies. The fact that she was half-nekkid and sportin’ duct taped boobies is what did it.
According to authorities, the woman was hanging out at a bar Saturday evening, when she started strippin’ off her clothes and placing strips of hot pink duct tape on her upper body. This didn’t go over very well with the bartender, ’cause he ordered her out of the establishment. Silly bartender! Crazy bitches don’t like being ordered around!
Police say the woman grabbed hold of the bartender’s apparently flimsy arm, causing some sort of injury. After that, the crazy lady reportedly attacked another woman in the bar, clawing and scratching the woman’s face and eyes. (I can only assume the other chick was poking fun at the crazy lady’s well-planned and carefully crafted outfit… sooo, she deserved it).…
Mexico City — Police say that seven people have been arrested after a 5-year-old boy had his eyes gouged out by his own mother during a drug-fueled ritual.
The horrific incident happened during a ritual inside a home in Nezahualcoyotl that involved several of the boys relatives and involved the taking of an unspecified drug. One witness who was there said they had taken the drug and fell unconscious. When they came to, the boy’s eyeballs had already been removed.
Investigators believe the mother removed her son’s eyes with her bare fingers because the boy refused to close them during the ceremony. After realizing what had happened, one of the participants ran out and flagged down a passing police car.
When the officers entered the home they found the mother in shock with her son in her arms.
“Once the woman allowed local police to check the boy, they were astonished to see the boy had no eyeballs,” the government said in a statement.
The boy was rushed to the local hospital in serious condition, but later transported by helicopter to a more specialized facility.…
Everett, WA — The looker to the left is 25-year-old Ambrosia Riche – she’s been accused of jumping into a random car and gettin’ all kinds of stabby on the dumbfounded driver, leaving him dazed, confused and holey.
According to witnesses, Riche had been seen wandering up and down the street just moments before the bizarre attack, trying to get into several cars. At one point, witnesses say, she jumped on the hood of a passing vehicle but the driver managed to safely “shake her off.”
Along came our victim, Richard Lynn…
Lynn told police he was slowing down at a stop sign when Riche lunged through an open rear window and attacked, stabbing him numerous times in the head, chest and arm.
Lynn was able to scramble out of the vehicle, but Riche was right on his heels, stabbing away.
Poor dude suffered six stab wounds to the back of his head and two to his chest and arm before he was able to disarm the crazy lady. Bystanders rushed to his aid, and Riche was left standing in the intersection, ranting unintelligibly.…
TINLEY PARK, IL – Multiple people were injured and several arrested after a group of militant anti-racists stormed a family restaurant on Saturday, and attacked a group of white supremacists.
The group of 18 attackers, dressed in black and sporting masks, assaulted roughly a dozen alleged white supremacists with steel batons and hammers inside the Ashford House restaurant, causing around $15,000 in damages and sending several people to the hospital.
“The other group marched into the restaurant, all were in hooded sweatshirts,” restaurant owner, Mike Winston, told msnbc.com. “Each had a chair leg, baton or a bat. They came in and went straight to a table of white guys and whoever stood up or got in the way, they got walloped.”
Mayor Ed Zabrocki has reviewed the surveillance footage and says the attack was a real riot.
“The whole thing took about 90 seconds to transpire,” Mayor Ed Zabrocki stated. “You see tables moving into view, food spilling on the floor. You see them marching out and you see some of the waiters taking swings at them.”
The victims in the incident are members of the European Heritage Association, which is linked to the extreme “white pride” organizations White News Now and Stormfront.…
Silverdale, Wa — A Washington state daycare service is in hot, soapy water after one of their daycare workers used a cleaning chemical to clean the face of a 5-year-old boy.
The boys mother, Heidi Dietrich, says that her son Silas Gholston was chemically burned after a teacher’s aide at the Silverdale KinderCare facility scrubbed his face with a dry eraser filled with a cleaning chemical. She was reportedly trying to make Silas more presentable for a class portrait by removing the temporary Chuck E. Cheese tattoos Silas was wearing on his cheek.
It worked pretty well as the tattoo was removed from the boy’s face but replaced with some nasty chemical burns. When Dietrich arrived at the daycare and saw her son’s face, she was outraged.
“He had swollen marks all over his face and there were white pieces where it was like a blister,” said Dietrich.
She also stated that it was apparent the teacher knew they had messed up, but that KinderCare tried to downplay the incident. …
A Rankin Pennsylvania cop is scheduled for a preliminary hearing today because he allegedly broke into his neighbor’s home to do laundry.
The neighbor called police after noting that his electric bill was unusually high even though he had not actually been living in the home for months. Upon returning to the house to investigate, the man found the dryer running.
Inside the dryer was a load of clothing that included the police uniform of Officer Jason Rocco, as well as his Marine Corps t-shirts.
Investigating officers believe that Rocco broke into the home using the back door, but when questioned, Rocco said that the door was already broken and that he “just had to do some laundry.”
At the close of interview Avalon police say that Rocco requested his clothing back from investigators.
Officer Rocco was charged with trespassing and criminal mischief. He was arraigned on May 19 and was released on his own recognizance.…
It was a long weekend here in Canada and this guy was doing what we Canadians do best, drink beer and camp out. The Alberta resident had apparently wandered to the tracks after imbibing heavily. The man’s choice in bedding, however, was ill-advised to say the least.
A Canadian Pacific Railway engineer noticed the man laying between the rails ahead of the train, sounded the whistle, and attempted to stop. But by the time the heavily loaded train was finally came to rest, the locomotive and 26 cars had already passed over the man laying on the tracks.
Expecting to find a gory mess, the CP Rail engineers investigated and got an even bigger shock when they found the man still intact — and still sleeping. After one of the engineers grabbed the man’s arm, he woke up.…
NEW BADEN, IL — Police in Illinois are trying to locate a couple of teenagers accused of using a skateboard to kill a 6-month-old kitten at a local park.
The owners say the kitten, named Tomale, wandered from their home and ended up a couple blocks away at a city park. Tomale’s owners eventually made their way to the park while searching for the kitten and ran into a group of kids there who informed them Tomale was dead and currently residing in a nearby trash can.
According to the kids, Tomale had been killed after a teen at the park pitched the kitten towards another teen who used a skateboard as a baseball bat. Horrified, they checked inside the trash can and sure enough, there was Tomale — it’s neck broken with blood and foam coming from its mouth.
“It was the hardest thing I had to do was to pull a kitten that we had just gotten for our kids out of a trash can and find out that some kids who were supposed to be up here skating, just doing innocent stuff, could sit there and murder a kitten,” sobbed Kristin Neu.…
The 53-year-old man was reportedly walking down a suburban street – aptly named “The Avenue of the Enlightenment” – late Thursday night during a storm when he was hit by a bolt of lighting. Doctors would establish that the bolt struck him through his pants directly in his scrotum before traveling down one of his legs and exiting to the sidewalk through his foot.
The unidentified victim’s son called for an ambulance. At last report, he remains in stable condition at a Madrid hospital. Doctors say that, because the man’s groin took the hit, the lightning did not cause electrical or thermal injury to the victim’s brain or heart – thus saving his life.
A Spanish-language video news report containing a comprehensive medical analysis can be found here. Those of you who are not Spanish speaking should be able to follow along with only knowledge of the phrases “frito cojones” and “iluminado como un árbol de navidad.”…
Ossining, NY – A New York state kung fu grandmaster and retired police officer has been sentenced to 7 years in prison for having young female pupils tug on his genitalia during martial arts lessons. Hiiiiya!
Prosecutors said four girls aged 6 to 11 reported that Frank DeMaria, 68, had them ‘grab, squeeze and pull’ on his genitals during lessons. DeMaria, a retired Westchester County police officer, defended his methods in court – insisting that he was teaching the young girls to “get rid of the modesty” and learn to kick and slap their attackers in the groin. He further insisted his methods were not an excuse to be fondled.
“There is no holding of genitals — it’s a slap,” DeMaria testified. “I was doing it to help them save their lives.”
The jury, possibly confused about the concept of life-saving sexual assault, convicted him of sexual abuse, sexual conduct with children and endangering children. He was subsequently sentenced to seven years in prison. DeMaria will also have to register as a sex offender when released.…
DELTONA, Fla. – The parents of a senior at Deltona High School are outraged after their 17-year-old son had an asthma attack at school and the school nurse would not let him use his inhaler.
Sue Rudi got a call from her son’s school letting her know that her son was having trouble breathing. When she arrived and was taken back to the nurse’s office, they found her son, Michael Rudi, on the floor.
“As soon as we opened up the door, we saw my son collapsing against the wall on the floor of the nurse’s office while she was standing in the window of the locked door looking down at my son, who was in full-blown asthma attack,” Rudi said.
Michael said his inhaler was confiscated on Friday after the school dean found it in his locker. Even though it was still in its original packaging with his name on it and directions for its use, it was taken away because his mother had not signed the proper form for him to have it.…
Seattle, WA — A man has been charged with a felony after he lost his temper with some unruly kids inside a movie theater last month, and allegedly knocked a tooth out of a 10-year-old boy’s head.
The incident happened back in April during a showing of TITANIC 3D at an AMC Theater where 21-year-old Yong Hyun Kim was
trying to get laid enjoying Cameron’s classic with his girlfriend. Also in the theater was a 10-year-old boy and his mother, along with several of the boy’s friends.
The group of kids were reportedly being obnoxious during the showing, talking loudly during the movie and throwing popcorn — some of which landed on Kim. According to Kim’s statement to police, he confronted the group only to have them laugh at him and then continued to be obnoxious pricks.
Reaching his last straw, Kim reportedly stepped over a row of seats and confronted the 10-year-old and his friends again.
“You know what, I paid a lot of money to see this movie,” Kim allegedly said while still wearing his 3D glasses.…