Jared Marchiano, 17, Killed After 650 Pound Stone Slab Fell On HimStephen HutchesonCouple Accused Of Abusing Foster Kids May Have Gotten $1+ Million State FundsJesus MenocalKristopher Houchin Charged With The Rape And Murder Of 6-month-old GirlRemains Of Boy Missing Since 2004 Found In Trunk Of Mother's CarBodies Of Missing Couple Found Buried In Backyard Of Former EmployeeCrystal Kinder Took Two Kids From Park To Show Them How To Live HomelessArvalo BenitezNilda Sheffield Murdered Her Daughter And Two Grandchildren Before Killing Herself

In The Mean Time...

Fort Pierce, FL – Barbara Cruz, 39, was arrested on May 4th after police received a complaint from a man who accused her of hurling a carving fork at his head, lodging it in his left ear.  The man, who had been staying with the woman for the past two days at a boarding house named Reno Rooms, allegedly got into an argument with her when he refused to pay for crack cocaine.  After the attack, Cruz is believed to have pushed the man down and fled.

The victim, who was holding a bloody cloth over his left ear when police questioned him, said that he didn’t know the woman’s exact name, that it was Brenda or Barbara, and that she was light-skinned black with braided hair.  As someone who often spends two days in close proximity to a woman and never achieves certainty of even her first name, this all sounds perfectly on-the-level.

Officers soon located a woman who matched the description the victim had provided, and opted to question her. …

Palmer Township, PA – A woman has been charged after being accused of assaulting her husband with a vacuum attachment because of a dispute over his facial hair.

According to court records, Joyce Speciale-Detweiler, 53, was arrested after police responded to a report of a domestic dispute between a man and a woman at 4:13 p.m. Sunday on May 6. Officers made contact with a man outside the residence who had visible marks consistent with a recent assault and a torn shirt.  It was not reported if he or neighbors called police.

The man, identified as Donald Detweiler (not pictured), told police he was sitting outside the house when his wife began to argue with him about his “facial hair style.” According to the police report, he told her he planned to shave later in the day.

In response, Speciale-Detweiler reportedly retrieved a ‘vacuum pole’ from inside the house and struck him in the head and neck areas. Police said that – after repeated blows – the vacuum pole broke.…

Hayle, England – A British man received a life sentence for an attack during which he gouged out the eyeballs of his then-girlfriend – a mother-of-two. The man did not allow the woman to call for help for 12 hours after inflicting the injuries.  She is now blind.

Shane Jenkin, 33, of Hayle in Cornwall, reportedly attacked Tina Nash, 32, while she slept at her home in April 2011. Nash, 31, testified that she awoke to find Jenkin on top of her and strangling her. She lost consciousness as a result. During the attack – in addition to her eyes being gouged out – Jenkin broke her jaw and nose.

The court was told that Jenkin then waited 12 hours before allowing Nash to call for help.

Nash testified that after attacking her – during those 12 short hours that she remained blinded, broken, and bloodied, of course – Jenkin told her, “It’s all your fault. I’m going to get 20 years for this. You’re blind and your kids grow up.…

RAGLAND, AL – Police have charged a 14-year-old with the murder of his 9-year-old half-sister who was found dead on Thursday, hanging from a tree in her family’s backyard.

Katelynn Arnold’s aunt became concerned when she did not return home from a bicycle ride around the neighborhood on Thursday and started looking for her. She did not find her with any of the friends she normally played with and returned home to find the girl in the backyard, hanged from a tree with an old tire swing rope.

Rescuers removed the girl from the tree and rushed her to the hospital where she would be pronounced dead. An autopsy would show cause of death to be ligature strangulation. Investigators would immediately call the death “very suspicious” but would not say why. That is until early the next day when they arrested Katelynn’s 14-year-old half-brother and charged him with murder.

The teen has admitted to police that he killed the girl by hanging her from the tree and has provided them with a motive that they have yet to reveal to the public.…

Chicago, IL – A friend of mine from Twitter posted this article in honor of my birthday today, so I told him I’d write it up if he sent me a link to the story.  After having already posted two articles today, I will now attempt to feed you too much of a bad thing.

Earlier today, a man I suspect had a horrific case of B.O. and a large number of gift-worthy friends reportedly stole a Bobcat front-loader from the construction site of a community center for young mothers, and proceeded to drive it through the storefront of a Family Dollar store.  The alarm company employed by the Family Dollar witnessed the whole display of skullduggery unfold in real time through the magic of security cameras.

The thief apparently made no attempt at the cash register, but managed to make off with two cans of deodorant and a stack of gift cards.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been under the impression that gift cards were no good to anyone unless they’d been validated at the register, so I’m not prepared to give this dude kudos for anything but knowing how to operate a Bobcat.…

Los Angeles, CA – Mayra Gonzalez’s daughter is probably wrestling with her plans for the rapidly-approaching annual celebration of Mother’s Day, since hers reportedly gave birth to her boyfriend’s son six weeks ago.  Gonzalez, 32 years old and now a mother of three, was arrested Thursday and has been charged with six felony counts of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor under 16 and two felony counts of oral copulation with a minor under 18.

There are no laws on the books specifically about reverse cowgirls, apparently, but I’m going to go ahead and assume that she’d have been charged with that too if there were.

Gonzalez’s relationship with her daughter’s boyfriend, 16, was allegedly first consummated back in July of 2011, and is said to have consisted of six sexual encounters, the last of which occurred on Christmas Eve, 2011.  She claims to be “in love” with the boy.

“Apparently, it was continuously happening until people in the neighborhood saw it was going on,” Santa Ana Police Corporal Anthony Bertagna told CBS Los Angeles.…

Palm Coast, FL – A man suspected of stockpiling child pornography in storage devices at his residence stabbed his computer with a Samurai sword as federal agents raided his home.

The home of Kamil Mezalka, 21, was the subject of a search warrant related to his suspected possession of child pornography.  Federal agents reportedly entered the residence after nobody answered the door. According to an arrest report, Mezalka came out of a second-floor bedroom with his hands up – but, then, re-entered the bedroom and shut the door. Agents entered into the room and observed him – in his underwear – stabbing the console of his computer with a two-handed Samurai sword. Reports of his first yelling something about the “Power of Greyskull” have not been substantiated.

Thankfully agents were able to stop Mezalka before he used his Far Eastern stealth and ingenuity to assassinate all of the electronic devices in his home. Federal agents conducted a forensic analysis of those devices and discovered hundreds of images depicting child pornography.

According to the affidavit, when interviewed by federal agents, our resident swordmaster said he was attracted to teenage girls and “might have” downloaded pornography depicting girls 13 years old and younger – as a suspected part of a sword polishing ritual.…

Campeche, MX – Officials at a Mexican school are investigating how five sixth-grade boys were able to film a gay porn video in one of the schools classrooms. The video was discovered by a mother of a student.

State Education Department spokesman Omar Kantun said the video was apparently made in an empty classroom at Mateo Reyes Grade School during recess in late April.

“The case is real, the video exists,’’ Kantun said. “The Education Department is very concerned.’’

According to reports, the short video – made at a grade school in the township of Calkini – shows three boys engaging in oral and anal sex while a fourth boy fluffs watches and a fifth boy films. Authorities didn’t announce the students’ ages – but sixth-graders in Mexico are generally 12 or younger.

The mother of a fellow student reportedly saw the video on her child’s cellphone – which by that time had reportedly been transferred between computers, phones, and the internet. She notified authorities who, seemingly shockingly, had not yet had the opportunity to see it.…

Epping, NH – Michael Masterson, 43, is facing charges of first-degree assault after allegedly attacking 64-year-old James Deveau on Wednesday night and carving an ‘X’ on the top of his head.  Deveau is said to be Masterson’s wife’s father, though Masterson claims to be single, so I suspect that that relationship is at least on the rocks.  There probably won’t be much make-up sex after this incident if I know anything about women (which I don’t).

James Deveau called 911 after reestablishing consciousness following the reported attack.  When police arrived, they found him confused and bleeding profusely from the head, saying he did not know who had assaulted him.  However, after being treated, his memory began creeping back into focus.  He said he recalled Masterson coming to his home and arguing about Deveau’s daughter, his late wife, her ashes, and a necklace.  The last thing he claims to recall prior to waking up in a pool of his own blood is turning around to look for his cat and dog.…

Shirley, Mass. — Someone emailed us this story about a pit bull named Lily that was hit by a train after dragging an unconscious woman off some railroad tracks. They asked that we post about it to show not all pit bulls are murderous baby rapers.

So here goes.

A pit bull’s attempts to push a woman in front of a moving train were unsuccessful and the dog ended up getting hit by the train instead.

According to one website owner, the dog probably crept up behind the woman as she walked along the tracks in an attempt to push her into the path of an oncoming train.

“Blood lust must have clouded the pit bull’s calculations, causing the pushed woman to fall away from the tracks and was knocked unconscious,” said the man who tracks pit bull incidents in hopes of thwarting their attempts to take over the world in the name of Satan. “The dog was probably so enraged at its failure to remove another human from the planet, that it was unable to get out of the train’s path in time and was struck.”

Because of powers only bestowed upon the Devil’s minions, the pit bull only suffered a  fractured pelvis and a leg that will have to be amputated.…

Horry County, TX – David Allen Credille, 32 and an Elvis impersonator “by trade,” was arrested on Wednesday following a Sunday night call to police.  A number of people, including Credille, were at a backyard birthday party playing the board game Taboo when the suspect reportedly got a little physical over a disagreement about the rules.

I’ll spare you the requisite “Jailhouse Rock” joke because I’m lazy.

Credille has all the credentials of a winner.  After all, he’s a 32-year-old Elvis impersonator who takes playing Taboo at parties very seriously.  I’m just surprised there was no mention of larping in the article.

He also seems to be a real stickler for rules, and a violent bastard when he feels they aren’t being followed.  When I first read this story, I immediately figured that Taboo involved rolling dice, picking an act deemed unnatural by society, and performing it on the adjacent player.  Boy, was I wrong.  It’s far gayer than that; something about trying to have your teammate guess a word without your using any of the terms listed on a card.…

FRIDLEY, Minn. – I have no issues with parents being strict with their kids when it comes to their grades, mostly because public schools in the US are set up so that any booger-eater can pass.

But I don’t think I would ever employ the punishment method Stephanie Ann Broten, 38, and her live-in boyfriend, 34-year-old Darnell Alan Landrum, used on the woman’s 12-year-old daughter on Monday.

In response to her not doing homework and bringing home bad grades, the couple shaved her head and placed her in a diaper before making her run around outside in front of neighbors.

After being called by one of these neighbors, police arrived to find a crowd of 30 to 50 people watching the poor girl run up and down the street in nothing but a diaper and a tank top. The girl was crying hysterically and begging to be allowed back in the house.

When questioned, Broten told police she did not see what the problem was and was simply disciplining her child by embarrassing her.…

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – National Products Store might be the rock star of discount stores, because a Utah mom got way more than she bargained for when she purchased a box of tampons on April 29.

The woman, 39-year-old Cindy Davidson, went to the NPS on Sunday for Crest Whitestrips, but opted to also buy a box of Boots (a British brand) tampons “bcuz they were cheap,” according to her Facebook.

Upon opening the box, that appeared to not have been tampered with, Davidson found that the applicators were stuffed with rolled and taped cellophane containing a white powder, not cotton on a string.

“I thought it was anthrax or something, a terrorist attack, so I was nervous,” Davidson stated of her initial reaction.

Instead of calling police immediately, Davidson first phoned her sister. “I called my sister and said I was going to call the manufacturer the next day and she told me to call police,” she said.

After authorities were informed of the score, a hazardous materials team was dispatched to Davidson’s residence with the police.…

Wolmer, TX — An 18-year-old in Texas has ensured a spot on one of those dumb criminal shows after he allegedly tried to rob a police officer while inside a police department.

Police say that on Saturday, Keithan Manuel walked into the lobby of the Wilmer Police Department and approached the dispatch window with a white towel covering his hands.

He pointed his towel-covered hands at the Communications Officer and demanded she give him all of her money. He then acted as if he was joking and said he was there to check on a warrant.

After giving the officer a fake name, he then switched back into dumbass mode and informed the officer that he really did have a gun. Tired of playing games, the officer called for backup who arrived and were able to take Manuel down at gunpoint.

Manuel, who did not have a weapon, was arrested and hit with several charges, including robbery. He is in the Dallas County Jail with a $200,000 bond, telling anyone who will listen that it was all a big misunderstanding and that people just don’t get his brand of humor.…

Taft, CA – The mother of a toddler was arrested Tuesday for the murder of her 3-year-old daughter at the hands of her live-in boyfriend in January. Sheriff’s deputies say the mother demonstrated a pattern of neglect throughout the torture of the toddler.

Angela Hanna and her 3-year-old daughter Trinity Hanna were living with Angela’s boyfriend Eric Edward Foster, 26. Investigators arrested Foster the day after Trinity’s death. Foster reportedly confessed to the treatment that Trinity suffered at his hands. Investigators have been working since to establish the timeline of Trinity’s injuries and how much her mother knew.

According to documents filed in the case against Angela Hanna – also known as Angela Vickrey, “Trinity Hanna, 3 years, sustained water burns, genital trauma, intestinal tears, and a head injury over a period of several weeks which ultimately led to her death on 1/24/12.” Deputies say the toddler sustained the water burns from an intentionally scalding bath, admittedly at the hands of Foster. The cause of the genital trauma and intestinal tearing appear to be Foster’s admitted ‘slamming’ of the toddler onto her bike and into her high chair.…

Las Cruces, NM — A 16-month-old girl was fatally attacked by a family pit bull Tuesday. Witnesses said the girl’s grandmother was accidentally shot by a neighbor trying to help the toddler.  The witness accounts alleviated initial fears that a pit bull armed with a pistol and an opposable thumb was on the loose in New Mexico.

Around 11:30 a.m., Police were called by a neighbor reporting the girl’s attack and the grandmother, 52, crying for help. The 2-year-old pit bull reportedly attacked the girl in the backyard of her grandparents’ home. The grandmother was also attacked trying to help the girl.

The 69-year-old neighbor who called 911 then retrieved a .45-caliber handgun and went to help the grandmother and granddaughter. Police said the neighbor fired several shots at the dog, and one of them accidentally hit the grandmother’s leg.

“A lot of [the injuries were] to the top of her head and the side of her face,” neighbor Chris Wallard – who performed CPR – said. “I was really scared.…

Fort Wayne, IN — We just had a story about some Florida grandparents driving drunk while pulling their granddaughter behind them in a toy car, now we have a pair of morons in Indiana driving drunk with four kids strapped to the hood of a car.

Police were called after witnesses watched 29-year-old Aaron Stefanski and 29-year-old Jessica A. Clark leave a liquor store and proceed to use a tow strap to tie four children, ages ages 4, 5, 6, and 7, to the hood of their car before driving off.

A police officer would pull Stefanski over after observing him driving the car a few blocks away from the store with the children still strapped to the hood.

“I was only going to drive around the corner,” said Stefanski, whose blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit. “I thought they would like it.”

He was arrested and charged with three felony counts of neglect of a dependent, felony operating a vehicle while intoxicated and four misdemeanor counts of criminal recklessness.…

PHOENIX, AZ — Police in Phoenix are looking for a man who police say raped and tortured a woman in her apartment throughout the night, even forcing her to drink bleach.

According to police, the attacker entered the 56-year-old victim’s apartment through a back door last Friday, then proceeded to torture and rape her repeatedly throughout the night. He even forced her to drink bleach. The victim told police he smoked meth all night and told her that when he was finished with her, he was going to kill her.

He was never able to follow through with that because a cab driver knocked on the victim’s door the following morning to take her to a scheduled doctor’s appointment. The suspect was taking a shower at the time, allowing the victim to flee the apartment as her attacker ran away. The cab driver then called 911.

“She came out nude, bounded with her arms tied and her mouth gagged — she was unable to speak,” said cab driver Gerardo Reyes.…