Louisville, KY – James Crittenden, 46, was arrested on Saturday and charged with arson after allegedly setting a convenience store toilet seat on fire.
Police were called to the Speedway convenience store by employees who had confronted Crittenden in the restroom.* No word on any accelerant used, but I’m inclined to believe that toilet seats are not inherently flammable.* One can only hope that it was a fecal fire.* According to the police report, Crittenden told store employees that he lit the fire “for religious reasons.”
Police arrested Crittenden, who was, at the time of the arrest, screaming obscenities and threatening officers.* He was booked*on charges of arson, disorderly conduct, and public intoxication.
Anyone who can point me in the direction of a religion that compels its followers to light toilet seats on fire should contact me immediately.* I am interested in joining, provided that it does not forbid masturbatory OCD “sufferers.”
Crittenden was also arrested on July 25th for allegedly huffing ten cans of Redi-Whip inside a ValuMarket at Mid City Mall, a store from which he’d previously been banned for burglary and disorderly conduct.* The arrest report states that Crittenden said he was huffing the cans to wake up, and that the U.S.…
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