Eugene, OR – Antone Owens, 21, was arrested Thursday, accused of breaking in to neighbors’ houses to access their computers and masturbate to Internet pornography.* He has been booked on four counts of first degree burglary, one count of menacing, and one count of coercion
The pointy-headed gentleman to the left is, of course, the accused.* At first, you might have an inclination to pity the poor guy, who obviously has no computer, nor access to the world’s largest, deepest, widest, wettest collection of free pornography in the known universe.* Well, maybe not the wettest.* In any case, that inclination would be unfounded, as Mr. Owens is a married man who owns a computer with Internet access in his own home.
In one instance, on March 20th, a woman came home to find her computer on and displaying pornography.* Nearby, she noted a towel, lubricant, and a cell phone.* As she picked up the cell phone, a man believed strongly to be Owens began threatening her and saying he would break the door.* The woman quickly called 911 before he managed to get the door open, storm inside, grab the phone and lube, threaten to kill her, and leave.* I also get pissed off when I’m not allowed to finish, by the way, but I don’t believe I’ve ever threatened to kill anything aside from millions of awesome sperm cells.…
This article is from The Dreamin' Demon, the Internet's self-appointed buzzkill.
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