Chicago, IL – A friend of mine from Twitter posted this article in honor of my birthday today, so I told him I’d write it up if he sent me a link to the story.* After having already posted two articles today, I will now attempt to feed you too much of a bad thing.
Earlier today, a man I suspect had a horrific case of B.O. and a large number of gift-worthy friends reportedly stole a Bobcat front-loader from the construction site of a community center for young mothers, and proceeded to drive it through the storefront of a Family Dollar store.* The alarm company employed by the Family Dollar witnessed the whole display of skullduggery unfold in real time through the magic of security cameras.
The thief apparently made no attempt at the cash register, but managed to make off with two cans of deodorant and a stack of gift cards.* Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been under the impression that gift cards were no good to anyone unless they’d been validated at the register, so I’m not prepared to give this dude kudos for anything but knowing how to operate a Bobcat.
Responding police officers found a man matching the thief’s description nearby and stopped to question him.* One of the cops noticed a large bulge in the man’s pocket that presumably wasn’t shaped like male genitalia.* It turned out to be a stack of gift cards he said he’d “found” a half-block away.* After matching the man up with security footage from the store, he was taken into custody and charges are pending.…

This article is from The Dreamin' Demon, the Internet's self-appointed buzzkill.


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