Friday, April 24, 2009
my life lately
Current mood: gloomy
Okay so its been a long ass while since ive blogged but hey im feelin extremely bored so here it goes, ive been through A LOT of shit in the past year , so MUCH bullshit i hate to even look on it really, but oh well heres an update of this thing they call my life... well i had my son about 5 months ago, 5 weeks premature only to find out his father had been talking to another bitch for a few weeks ( perfect timing ) i found this out about 24 hrs after our son was bored when he passed out on tha bed next to me and i found pictures of tha ugly ass black bitch in his back pocket, we got into an altercation at tha hospital, i tried 2 stop him from leaving even tho my uterus n stomache had just been cut open, i failed, he left still, i was in the hospital for 5 more days after that and he was layed up with this bitch the whole time , my WONDERFUL stepdaughter tiaira stayed with me the whole time n helped me n her baby brother, i love her sooooo much just as if she were my own! he wasnt even there to take us home from the hospital, it took him a week or more to come home and that was just because we went and got him n made him come home, things were okay after that i guess, i was tryn my hardest to forgive n forget, but my anger got tha best of me n we fought quite a bit over it, i ended up getting kicked out n went to live w/my mom which i did not want that at all,
i relapsed and started doing meth again pretty heavy and he ended up finding out and telling
my mother who then found my dope in her house and kicked me n the babies out, that was for the best for me tho,
i checked myself into inpatient treatment, i got to have the kids with me, and started to turn my life around, i got clean and started to see shit clearly, i thought my man was in the same mindframe and we were gonna do this sobriety thing 2gether....but.... a couple weeks after i was in there he overdosed on new years eve and almost died, he had to go to tha psych. hospital for a few days then was released and FORTUNATELY got to keep the job he had had for six years, i was happy and thought okay this is his wake up call now its time for our happiness to come, after 1 week of werk he quit his job and took himself to detox, then again i thought this is good, he's making progress, he was n there a week and it only took him a couple of days to get fucked up again, abuot 2 wks after that he caught a couple of charges and was already on probation, he was worried about going to prison, and a couple weeks after that he ended up dieing, i dont know FOR SURE how he died, i just know they found him floating in a 2 ft. creek, in the middle of fucking nowhere, he had already been missing for 6 days when they found him, he flipped my car, totalling it , and i guess climbed out of the car, and put his necklaces he always wore in his wallet, they have not determined whether it was an overdose or hypothermia, i personally think hypothermia but they have not got the toxicology reports back yet,,,,but i do know he was on zanax n who knows wat else. needless to say this is the worst thing thats happened to me ever in my life, ive had a lot of trouble understanding why i try to so dramatically turn my life around and this tragedy happens, my daughter wants him and asks about him everyday, when her brother says dada she says NO evan dont say that , dada died, she also tells me everyday she wants to go nite nite in heaven with dada, it fucking kills me and im so pissed at him for leaving us like this, for not just staying at home that night, the part that really kills me is the last time we talked we were fighting the last words i EVER said to him were Im tired of you fucking lieing, and i can never take that back , anyways
ive been clean since dec. 12th and im proud of my self for that, but everyday is a struggle., and
i feel like i will never have the happy family that i so desperately want, i want my kids to have a daddy that loves them and is there for them because i know far too well how it feels to not have that and it kills me to know or think they will suffer that feeling of inadequacy and confusion, anyways now that im crying ima go ....until next time.... * kaci *
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