Don't miss tonight's debate. You can watch it on MSNBC, if you like, and hear what the candidates have to say. Or, you can watch the swivel-cast right here, and allow me to tell you what they really mean.
This is the final debate between the two, and Hillary has been on the attack this week. Hopefully things will get out of hand tonight and we can see some blood.
I'll be counting on you, swivel. I still don't own a TV, and, while I may show up to friends' houses to watch sporting events, I don't think any of them would take kindly to me usurping their couch for the purpose of political discourse.
Besides, you're more entertaining.
"Now that ceaseless exposure has calloused us to the lewd and the vulgar, it is instructive to see what still seems wicked to us. What still slaps the clammy flab of our submissive consciousness hard enough to get our attention?"
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I just hope Hillary throws down tonight!
Latest polls show Obama has taken a 4 point lead in Texas. Hillary has a 10 point lead in Ohio. Obama leads in Vermont, and Hillary leads in Rhode Island. A split would be bad for Hillary realistically, since Obama has enough of a lead to sway superdelegates. However, any win at this point could be spun the right way. She could plan on being in Ohio, to give a bit "I WON!" rally, and try to sway the States that vote late and the superdelegates.
Man.... this feels like a general election!
They are out on the stage. Hillary is clapping like an otter. No blood yet.
WooT I'm here, 1763 days after mission accomplished declared in Iraq!
The dude just said for rules: There aren't any!
Chairs are allowed! Wooo Hooo!
They are starting by showing how fucking crazy Hillary has been over the last week.
Someone needs to regulate their meds.
Question: Hillary, why are you crazy?
Hillary: I respect Obama. But we have differences. His tactics have sucked. Like using fliers to point out the problems with my healthcare plans. That shit is secret. All I was doing was standing up for myself. Obama says that I would make people have healthcare whether or not they can afford it. That isn't true. (anecdotal bullshit...) My plan covers everyone, and it is affordable. Which means you will go to Canada for your healthcare AND your meds. Obama doesn't force people to so shit against their will, which is why he sucks.
Question: Did the pic of Obama with a turban come from your campaign?
Hillary: Not as far as I know. We have no evidence of that.
Obama: I believe the bitch. (wha?) Now, on healthcare. That flier was accurate. Bitch puts out her own fliers which are bullshit. My plan does NOT leave out 15 million. It just takes into account that 15 million Americans will choose NOT to spend $400 a month on healthcare when they are 18 and healthy as fuck. Crazy bitch is actually to the left of me on this issue, if you can believe that. And look, what she is going to do is fine you if you DON'T buy healthcare. You know, if she doesn't win here, I think there is an opening coming up in Cuba.
Hillary is a hypocrite to bitch about fliers.
Hillary: This issue goes to the heart of whether or not America will do what is right. Obama has a mandate, my mandate is stronger. Mandates suck. Which means that... oh... wait. Can I start over?
Hillary is lecturing Obama now. Comparing him to Republicans. EGADS!! She says that universal healthcare is the cornerstone of the Democratic Party.
Obama: Hillary is a lying bitch when she says that I don't care about universal healthcare. Look, my plan means that everyone who WANTS healthcare will be able to afford it. Without putting a gun to anyone's heads. I don't mind that Hillary thinks her plan is better, but I want to know how she is going to ENFORCE her mandates. Huh? How you gonna do that?
Damn. Hillary is going half-ass here. She needs to jump on his black ass.
Here she goes. (we are going to be on this one topic the entire time)
Yeah, bitch. Get that blood up. She is really working on Obama right now. Quoting a bunch of dead people on healthcare. She is saying that she covers everyone for less money than Obama's plan. And premiums are tied to a PERCENTAGE OF YOUR INCOME. HOLY SHIT!! REALLY?
Obama: This is a filibuster. HAHAHAHA! What we do not want to do is force people to get healthcare, and if they don't we penalize them with fines. How do we enforce this? How much bureaucracy is going to be needed here? Our plans are almost equally shitty for Americans, so I think the bitch is splitting hairs. (he just used her name in a way that made it sound like she is in trouble)
Hillary (interrupting AGAIN): Obama's plan sucks. Have I said that already? Oh, god... she is fucking rambling and going on and on and on.
Obama: Kids would be covered up to the age of 25 under your parents.
My wife wants Hillary to "Shut the Fuck up"
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My wife does too she's drowning in this NAFTA soliloquy.
Did you notice she admitted that system exists "Various government agencies" she's one of the lizard people I'm sure of it.
Question: NAFTA. Did you fuck up, Hillary?
Hillary: Why do I keep getting the first question? Should we get Obama a pillow? Did anyone watch SNL? (I'm not making this shit up!!!!!!!!!!!). I always hated NAFTA. Even when I said that NAFTA was one of the best things my hubby did, I really hated it. I've met people that have lost jobs, and even though unemployment is around 5%, I like to pretend that they never found new jobs. Even though this is statistically impossible. Rattle and rattle and rattle.... she is making an ass of herself. This is beautiful TV, folks.
Obama: Can I get a pillow? And look, Hillary has not always hated NAFTA. When she ran for Senate she said that NAFTA, on balance, has been good for NY and good for America. Basically, she is a lying bitch. I have always been against NAFTA, because I'm a racist nigga and thinks the rest of the world needs to go to hell. I don't want them having jobs anywhere. Let them rot and starve to death. Know why? They can't vote here, byatch!
Conclusion: This was fucking crazy. Hillary went nuts. Youtube video here tomorrow.
Russert just busted Hillary's balls. "You did say that, Hillary. You said it was proving its worth. You said it was a good idea in 2000" PWNED!!!
Question: Will you get out of NAFTA within 6 months of becoming president?
Hillary: No. I will say we will opt out unless we renegotiate it. Lots of NY benefited. Other parts haven't benefited. So, it depends on which voters I am standing in front of. Which state am I in? Ohio? NAFTA sucks!
(Tim calls her a liar)
Hillary: No, Tim, YOU are a liar. I have been consistent. It is a stance that depends on geography. You big fatty.
Obama: Hillary is right. I would threaten an opt-out in order to blackmail Canada and Mexico into doing shit that is bad for them. Look, we are already the richest country in the world. Can't we get a little bit richer? Especially if it is at the expense of our neighbors? Free trade sucks. It is freedom. Who needs freedom? We have tried freedom for over 200 years, and where has it gotten us? We need a change in the future. A future different from the past. A changed future.
Conclusion: Both these fucks are insane on trade. Assholes.
Question: Exports have been great in Ohio. Are you sure you guys aren't fucking stupid when it comes to trade? NAFTA seems to be working according to everyone other than the lazy factory rednecks.
Obama: What we need are more windmills. We need to hire young people, and put them in a trade. I have no idea what he is doing right now....
Question: You pledged 200,000 new jobs for NY. They have lost 30,000. Would you say that your pledge of 5,000,000 jobs for America might be more bullshit?
Hillary: That was George Bush's fault, not mine. He has much more control over the NY economy as President than I do as NY's Senator. I will guarantee 5 million new jobs. Biofuels, windmills, sustainable, green, green, green. Look, Germany made a huge bet on solar power, and look at all the jobs they created. We just need to tax the fuck out of rich people, trickle some of that down to poor people, and create jobs out of thin air.
Question: Hillary says you have no experience in foreign policy. What do you think, Obama?
Obama: This is coming from the bitch who voted FOR the war multiple times? And now is pretending to be against it? Look, I was right when I said the war was stupid. Who has no experience, now? That's right, bitch. Besides, won't this be a better issue for McCain to bring up? Man... that dude is a war hero. He is going to make me look like a commie, isn't he? That surge shit is working, isn't it? That's not good. I really need more troops to die, and FAST.
Question: Hillary, why should you be the Commander in Chief?
Hillary: I have so many years of being married to a guy with that experience. Shouldn't that count for something? Look. Obama was right about the war in Iraq, but he had no power at the time. He couldn't vote. I like to pretend that if he COULD have voted, he would have said some other shit. That is my little fantasy. Nobody really watches these debates, do they? Just in case they do... Obama recently threatened to bomb Pakistan. He said he would meet with the bad guys of the world. And didn't everyone see that picture of him in the turban that I released?
Hillary is really hogging the time.
Obama: Look. When I was anti-war, I was running for Senate. I wasn't in a no-risk situation. I went out on a limb, against most of my party, and I was right. I'm not trying to rub that shit in, but just to demonstrate that experience doesn't count for shit if you aren't learning from it. I was smarter at birth than this lying bitch was at the height of her intellectual faculties.
And yes, I would bomb the fuck out of Pakistan. That way we can't trade with those darkies. Fuck them, fuck Canada, and fuck Mexico, too!
Question: You both want to surrender in Iraq. If Iraq said, "You stay and protect us, or you get out altogether", what would you say?
Obama: If they don't want us there, we should leave. If France doesn't want us trading with China, we should do that as well. I think we should roll over on our backs and expose our bellies to the rest of the world. I think this would make them hate us less. Besides, the war is too expensive for the millions of people we are trying to free.
Hillary: I love the troops, but I really want to see them fail.
Question: If we pull out and the area goes to hell, should we re-invade to stabilize?
Hillary: Hypothetical. We need to run away. It always worked for France. I will withdraw within 60 days, at a rate of 1-2 brigades a month. Whatever a brigade is. Is that like a dozen soldiers? I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Besides, if we pull out, ON MY COMMAND, and shit goes to hell, I'll still blame that on Bush. Everything bad that ever happens from now on... Bush's fault.
Obama: Hell, yeah! If I am in charge of the troops, and they start fucking around in Iraq, I will beat the shit out of those camel jockeys. I love wars that I get to start, I just don't like wars that Republicans start.
Hillary: I want to interrupt again.
Moderator: Fuck off, bitch. We are going to commercial.
They are showing a video of Hillary making fun of Obama's rhetoric.
Obama: Sounds good! (smooth)
Question: How did you take those remarks?
Obama: Her delivery was pretty good. Look, she keep saying that I'm all talk and now action. Hey, I've been in ELECTED office for 20 years. I've written more bills than this bitch has even voted on. She has been in office for what, 8 years? Elected twice? Where does this bitch get off? (Goes on to list shit he's done, and families he's met that have done well because of the shit he's done)
Nigga, nobody cares about the bitches you met in Cleveland, and what is going wrong in their lives. That is ANECDOTAL and meaningless. I'm sure you just locked up those 4 votes, but you are wasting my time typing about stupid shit when you should be pissing off Hillary and trying to get her to hit you.
Hillary: I was just having fun with that video. Let me talk some more about healthcare. Because I am just fucking obsessed with healthcare. Ever since I failed to deliver 12 years ago, it has been rubbing my cunt raw. I have to use a topical cream. I just want to scratch that fucking itch, you know? I just can't stand being told, "No". Like when you went to commercial, that shit pissed me off, Timmy. Don't do that crap again. Listen, I have already failed to delivery universal healthcare, doesn't that make me most qualified to fuck this up again?
They are showing a video of Obama talking trash about Hillary being "co-President"
Obama: Look. She talks about her "experience", and includes her time as First-Lady. But then, she distances herself from NAFTA. You can't have it both ways. Either you take responsibility for your mistakes, or you take credit. Bitch wants to have both.
Jesus, fucking Christ, they keep getting off-topic. These debates are horribly-fucking run. It was better when Bush required the little red lights that just cut your rambling ass off and made you look like a sniveling dickhead. We need the lights, guys. This is not working. You can't let a woman and a black man just take charge of a debate. Hey... wait a minute. You want these fucks in charge of the country?! They can't even be trusted with an auditorium.
Question: Last year you said you would opt out of general financing in the general election. You seem to be waffling, will you keep your word?
Obama: I'm not yet the nominee. If I become the nominee, I will sit down with McCain and figure out a system that is fair for both sides. Because it looks like I'll be able to raise a ton of money. A lot more than McCain. So I would like to see that old honkey sweat for awhile. Y'know?
Question: So, you may break your word?
Obama: Maybe.
Question: Hillary, you and Bill will not release your tax returns. What the fuck have you guys been up to? What are you hiding? Why won't you release your returns?
Hillary: I get some of my money from regular people, so let's just talk about that. Let's ignore the $5 million I gave myself. Besides, I will release my returns.
Q: Why not now?
Hillary: Because I suspect they may make me look like a dumb bitch.
Q: Not before the vote?
Hillary: Probably not.
Question: Obama, do you accept the support of Louis Farakhan?
Obama: Fuck no. That is one whacked nigga. I don't want no piece of those racists fucks.
Q: Do you reject his support?
Obama: I can't tell the dude not to lick my nuts. He wants to lick my nuts? How do you stop that?
Q: You do know that this guy called Judaism a "Gutter Religion", right?
Obama: Look, I already told you he is a whack nigga.
Q: Do you hate the Jews?
Obama: Who doesn't?
Q: That's a good point. You know, I'm Jewish, and I hate myself.
Obama: There you go.
Hillary: I had the same shit heaped on me in NY. The Independence Party tried to lick my balls in NY. I told them to fuck off, because they are anti-semitic. And look, it was 50,000 or so people. There are like a BILLION Jews in NY. Do the fucking math.
I reject the support of all small groups. Small groups smell funny.
Obama just owned Hillary. After saying he would "Denounce" support from Jew-Haters, Hillary said that Obama was a pussy. She would not only "Denounce" their support, she would "Reject" it!
Obama said, "If Hillary thinks "Reject" is stronger than "Denounce", then I concede the point. I renounce AND reject their support".
The crowd appreciate this bit of ownage. Damn. Politics in America. A black dude beating up on a rich, white bitch. This is like "Driving Ms. Daisy" stuck in 'R'.
Question: The National Journal rates your record as Left of Kennedy. How can you run Left of Kennedy?
Obama: Well, Hillary and I were different on only two issues. So, she isn't far from me. Besides, who is getting the moderate vote? Who is getting the independent vote? That's right, byatch!
Hillary: Goddamn. I am RIGHT of someone? That freaks me out. There is no way this dude is getting elected in November.
Question: What do you think of Putin's successor?
Hillary: I think he is a hand-picked puppet (YEAH, way to go, Hillary! You got one right! Woo-Hoo!!!) Putin selected this fuck, and is going to stay in power, even when he is out of power. I think Russia is looking like a danger. They support Iran's nuclear arsenal. Something is going to go down there.
Obama: What she said. Look, Russia is a mess. Which means it was Bush's fault, right?
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