April 18, 2008 - Friday
It has come to my attention that there are some out there who take exception to the way I seem to mention my daughter rarely, if ever. There are others who object to the way I behave as a father. I have news for all of you, and it's not what you think it's going to be.
Each and every one of you... is absolutely right. Wait, did I just say right? Yep, sure did. You're right. Every one of you who has said, or even just thought to yourself that I'm a bad father is absolutely correct. No, I'm not a horrible, beat-my-child, father, but I'm not a good one either. I'm not making excuses, and I won't. I'm not apologizing for it either. There's only one person on this earth I'll ever have to apologize for my parenting to, and that's my child. It's up to her whether she decides to forgive me when the time comes.
Fact of the matter is that I just don't know how to do it. I grew up with a barely functional, co-dependant, single mother. It doesn't make things any better or worse, they just are. All things considered, I think she did an excellent job. As a result, I had no real male role-model. So I never had anything to tell me how to be a father. When I was with my daughter's mother, she helped provide the guidance and direction I needed to help me be at least a passable father. I still didn't qualify as great, but I didn't suck as bad as I do now at it.
That's where being raised by a co-dependant parent comes in. I'm pretty co-dependant myself. It's amusing when you consider the fact I'm an arrogant ass at the same time. Yeah, it surprised me too when I realized they weren't as mutually exclusive as I thought.
Anyway, my own problems stem from not really having the drive or motivation to live my life. I've always leaned on someone else to provide the direction and drive I need to funciton. If that outside impetus isn't applied, I don't get much done. Which brings us back to my lack of parenting skills. I have no example, I have no background, and I have no drive. But I do love my daughter, and want what's best for her.
So after my daughter's mother and I split up, and the dust settled, my daughter lives with her mom. I want it to remain that way. A child needs their parents, but to be honest, her mother is a better parent than I am. And as I want what's best for my daughter, my daughter is going to stay with her mother if I have anything to say about it. And thanks to the custody agreement we have, I do have something to say about it. My daughter's mother may have her own problems to deal with, but being a parent is NOT one of them.
Being a parent IS one of my problems. I don't have the mindset for it on my own. I can do a pretty good job of it with help, but on my own, I'd have my daughter playing video games and eating junk food. I want better for my daughter than that, and I can't give it to her on my own. Her mother can.
I don't talk much about my daughter, because I don't have much to say. I don't gush or brag about her because I don't have the right, or the knowledge to do so. Nor do I have the desire. I don't talk about her much because I don't know much about what she's done or what she's going to do. Her mother handles jutst about all of that. I do what I can on my own, which for the most part is making sure she's in a loving home, with a good parent who's looking out for her best interests since I'm not capable of seeing to them on my own.
I also do what I can to make sure her mother is the best parent she can be, which strangely I'm better suited for than being a good parent myself. Even if it's just answering the phone at 8am after three hours of sleep and spending two hours talking about being a bad parent. Maybe it's the bad example I set. But regardless, I am a bad parent. I'm not as much a part of my daughter's life as I probably should be, and everyone would probably like me to be, but I do what I think is best for her with circumstances being what they are.
As always, there's more to say, but I'm out.