Distasteful Jokes

**swivel** · May 4th, 2007, 05:53 PM

I only want the ones that you would feel embarrassed to tell your best friend. And I don't want anyone squeamish in here. If you are the sort of person to get upset with those of us that have a poor sense of humor, get the fuck out right now.

Some to get started:

Q: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A: Put a queer in a coma.

Q: What's the difference between Santa Clause and Jews?
A: Santa goes DOWN the chimney

Q: What's the best thing about having sex with twenty six year olds?
A: There's twenty of them.

Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with someone younger than yourself?
A: Having to put their diaper back on afterwards.

Q: What's the difference between Jews and Pizza?
A: Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

Q: What's the difference between a park bench and a black man?
A: The bench can support a family of 5.

**ZombieBabe** · May 4th, 2007, 06:03 PM

Brother and sister from WVA are having sex one day. Sister says to the brother "Y'know, you fuck just like daddy!"
Brother says "I know. Mom told me."

Whaddya call 32 WVA women in one room?
A full set of teeth.

How do you fit 4 fags on a bar stool?
Turn it upside-down.

What did one fag say to the other fag in the gay bar?
"Can I push your stool in for you?"

What's the difference between a lesbian and a Wheat Thin?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

What did on lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
"Hey! We DO taste like chicken!"

**swivel** · May 4th, 2007, 07:10 PM

Originally Posted by ZombieBabe

What did one fag say to the other fag in the gay bar?
"Can I push your stool in for you?"

Very nice.

Q: What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
A: Crib death.

**************

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are walking through the desert, and they come across a lamp. They rub the lamp, and a genie comes out. He'll give 'em each a wish. Black guy goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Africa. Genie does it. Mexican guy goes second. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Mexico. Genie does it. White guy's turn. "So all the niggers and spics are out of the country?" he asks. "Yeah," says the genie. The white guy says, "Well, I guess I'll have a Coke."

*************

Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!

Jesus is coming, but he pulled out.

Jesus was a noob. It took him three days to re-spawn.

*************

Q: What did the the hot-dog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
A: Who ordered the 2 jumbo's?

Q: Whats blue and fucks granny's?
A: hypothermia

**dop** · May 5th, 2007, 03:56 PM

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

**CPL CHUD** · May 7th, 2007, 08:30 AM

What do you call a black woman who's had multiple abortions in the ghetto?

A crime fighter.

**QuestionYourSanity** · June 26th, 2007, 07:01 AM

Q- Whats better that fucking two 18 year olds?
A- Fucking 18 two year olds.

Q- Whats the best thing about a little girl?
A- You can turn em over and pretend they are little boys.

Q- Why do black people have white hands?
A- Everybody has a little good in them.

Q- What do you do when a black person runs at you with half its face missing?
A- Stop laughing, reload and fire again.

Q- How do you know when an aboriginal woman has her periods?
A- The flies are wearing lipstick.

**gprime** · June 26th, 2007, 08:19 AM

What does NAACP stand for?
Now Apes Are Called People

Why haven't any blacks died from West Nile virus?
Mosquitos don't land on shit, only flies do.

Why do blacks cry during sex?
Mace stings.

What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture

What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A bigger parish.

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
What is the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

**gprime** · June 26th, 2007, 08:20 AM

Originally Posted by QuestionYourSanity

Q- Whats better that fucking two 18 year olds?
A- Fucking 18 two year olds.

That version is pretty tame. The one I'm more familiar with is:

What's the best part of fucking twenty one year olds?
There are 20 of them.

**Athena** · June 27th, 2007, 07:31 PM

Q: What's red and sits in a corner?
A: A baby playing with a razor blade.

Q: What's blue and sits in a corner?
A: A baby with a plastic bag.

Q: What's green and sits in a corner?
A: That same baby, two weeks later.

.......

Q: Why do you put a baby into the blender feet first?
A: So you can see their expression!

.......

Q: What's the difference between a 9 year old girl and a 57 Chevy?
A: I can't fit a chopped up Chevy into my freezer.

......

Q: What do you call a Jew on the moon?
A: Problem

Q: What do you call two Jews on the moon?
A: Still a problem

Q: What do you call every Jew on the moon
A: Problem solved

**swivel** · June 27th, 2007, 08:03 PM

Nice ones Athena.

**Horrorholic** · June 27th, 2007, 09:28 PM

Dead baby joke time!

How do you get a dead baby into a bowl?
A blender

How do you get the dead baby out of the bowl?
Doritos
-----------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't come on the apple after I bite it.
-----------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
-----------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a bowling ball and a dead baby?
I can't pick up the bowling ball with a pitchfork.

Black jokes

What do you call a couple of black guys standing in a field?
Outdated farm equipment
------------------------------------------------
What's white, black and blue and floats face-first down a river?
A white guy who's told told to many black jokes!

**apocalypticdreamer** · June 27th, 2007, 09:41 PM

Originally Posted by Horrorholic

Whats the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't come on the apple after I bite it.

That one is HORRIBLE! And yet I still laughed.

**Killroy** · June 27th, 2007, 09:42 PM

Originally Posted by Horrorholic

-----------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't come on the apple after I bite it.
-----------------------------------------------

:D

**swivel** · June 27th, 2007, 10:01 PM

Originally Posted by Horrorholic

How do you get a dead baby into a bowl?
A blender

How do you get the dead baby out of the bowl?
Doritos

-----------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

LOVED these two. Great contributions.

**kakihara** · June 28th, 2007, 07:27 AM

Stevie wonder said the cheese grater was the most violent book he ever read.

Have you ever seen Stevie wonders wife?
Neither has he.

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The little boy in my closet.

What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?
You can't fuck a rock.

What's pink, red and silver and keeps bumping into walls?
A baby with forks in it's eyes.

What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What's 12 inches long, pink and red and makes your mother scream in the night?
A miscarriage.

Why are black people so good at basketball?
They can run, shoot, and steal at the same time.

What did God say when he made a black guy?
"OH SHIT! I BURNT ONE!"

How did the balck man get out of the tree?
They cut the rope.

How do you get black kids to stop jumping on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.

What's the biggest jewish dilemma?
Free bacon.

Why do jews have big noses?
Because air is free.

How many Jews can you fit in a BMW Convertable?
2 in the front, 2 in the back and a million in the ashtray.

How do you make a cat drink?
2 kittens in a blender.

How do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it in gas and light it.

What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a cat.

**swivel** · June 28th, 2007, 08:26 AM

What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What's the biggest jewish dilemma?
Free bacon.

BWWWAHAAHAHAHAA....

kakihara, that was a perfect contribution. Too many great ones to re-list. Wonderful.

I mean... FOR SHAME!

**kakihara** · June 28th, 2007, 08:36 AM

I try.;)

Now I feel all dirty inside. I think I can feel a portion of my soul burning in hell. Wait, I don't believe in hell. I'm good.:D

**Athena** · June 28th, 2007, 11:57 AM

Goddamn...

I love you people. And this forum. :heart:

Wait....Should this thread be making me feel all warm and fuzzy?

Okay, okay -

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a styrofoam cup?
A: The baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A pitbull on a playground.

Q: What's sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The live one in the middle who's trying to eat it's way out.

**swivel** · June 28th, 2007, 12:03 PM

As a pittbull owner, I am overly fond of the center joke.

I was having lunch today in a diner and I threw up all over my table, all in my food and everything. It was disgusting and embarrassing, but there was this leper across from me with huge seeping wounds dribbling puss and infection all over his wife-beater. And the guy got a little offended, you know how PC everyone is supposed to be these days. So he started to lecture me about diversity and I had to get the chunks out of my teeth to say, "Hey man, it isn't you. It's the guy behind you that keeps dipping his chips in your back."

Lil johnny asks his daddy what a womans private parts look like.....his dad replies "well son before sex they look rather like a flower in bloom"
and lil johnny says "What about after sex daddy?"
His dad goes quiet "Well son i don't know how to put this but have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

* What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

* What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

* How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

* What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

* What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

* What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?
Cancer.

* What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter

**swivel** · June 28th, 2007, 12:15 PM

Where are the sexist jokes from all of the ladies in the house?

Q. What do you do if a woman comes out of the kitchen complaining?
A. Make the chain shorter.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Let the bitch cook in the dark!

Q. How many men does it take to mop a floor?
A. None. It's a woman's job.

Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A. No need, she's already been told TWICE!

**kakihara** · June 28th, 2007, 12:24 PM

What do you do when there's no time to rape a dead baby?
There's ALWAYS time to rape a dead baby.

What do you get when you cut a dead baby with a razor?
An errection.

What do you call a dead baby, a rat, 6 week old bread and a gerkin?
Big Mac

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor.

What do you call a baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked

Whats worse than smoking pot with a baby?
Making a bong out of it.

What's the difference between two fags and a freezer?
When you pull the meat out of the freezer, it dosent fart.

What does a white woman and a tampon have in common?
They're both stuck up cunts.

How many white girls does it take to screw in a light?
None, white girls can't screw

What's the flattest surface to iron your jeans on?
A white girls ass!

Why do so many white people get lost skiing?
It's hard to find them in the snow.

What do you call a bunch of black people rolling down a hill?
A mud slide.

What does BFI stand for on a dumpster?
Black Family Inside.

How are apples and blacks alike?
They both hang from trees.

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Cause he's black.

What's the difference between a black person and a bag of shit?
The bag

What's long, black, and stinks?
The unemployment line.

Why are black people so strong?
TV's are getting heavier.

What's the difference between a deer in the road and a black person in the road?
The deer has skid marks in front of it.

What can a pizza do that a black person can't?
Feed a fmily of 4.

**Athena** · June 28th, 2007, 12:32 PM

Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "A man once told me....."

Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

About the pitbull thing...I've got a 120lb Rottweiler and am always tempted to substitute that in, but I much prefer the pseudo-alliteration "pitbull" and "playground" provides. :p

**kakihara** · June 28th, 2007, 12:43 PM

What should you do before a jewish dentist puts you under?
Hide your wallet.

Why did the jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Someone dropped a quarter.

What did the jewish father say when his son asked him for twenty dollars?
"Fifteen dollars? What do you need ten dollars for?

Why don't jews like oral sex?
It's too close to the gas chamber.

How does Santa Claus know he's at a jewish house?
Parking meters on the roof.

Did you hear about the jewish child molester?
He hid in the bushes and said, "Hey little girl, wanna buy some candy?"

How do you get a jew to commit suicide?
Throw a quarter on the highway at rush hour.

What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?
Unemployed

How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
They don't work in the future, either.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
Who knows? But it could sure pick the shit out of lettuce.

How do you start a riot in Mexico?
Throw a quarter

Who's the richest man in Mexico?
The person who got the quarter

What do you call a mexican baptism?
Bean dip

Why do black people put their trash in clear bags?
So the mexicans can go window shopping.

How do you starve a mexican?
Hide the food stamps under the soap.

What are the first three words of the Mexican National Anthem?
"Attention K-Mart shoppers"

Why do Mexicans have tamales for christmas?
So they have something to unwrap.

Why don't Mexicans have an olympic team?
All of the ones that can run, jump, or swim have already made it across the border.

Why do Mexicans refry their beans?
Have you ever seen a Mexican do soemthing right the first time?

**gprime** · June 28th, 2007, 12:55 PM

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
You just KNOW she'll swallow.

Why did god create women?
Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

What's the difference between onions and hookers?
I don't cry when I chop up hookers.

What do call the worthless flesh around a pussy?
A woman.

Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would also know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

What is the worst part about eating bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.

**apocalypticdreamer** · July 4th, 2007, 11:48 AM

Have you heard about the girl who got her feet cut off at Six Flags? Well as compensation they were going to give her a lifetime membership to the park, but then they realized she was 2 feet too short to ride the rides.

**ZombieBabe** · July 10th, 2007, 04:29 PM

For gprime (:D):

Why did the Nazis steal all of the Jews' gold?

Someone had to pay the gas bill.

**gprime** · July 10th, 2007, 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by ZombieBabe

For gprime (:D):

Why did the Nazis steal all of the Jews' gold?

Someone had to pay the gas bill.

Now that, crude as it is, is at least funny.

**Alphonsus di Ligouri** · July 20th, 2007, 05:29 PM

Originally Posted by swivel

Where are the sexist jokes from all of the ladies in the house?

Q. What do you do if a woman comes out of the kitchen complaining?
A. Make the chain shorter.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Let the bitch cook in the dark!

Q. How many men does it take to mop a floor?
A. None. It's a woman's job.

Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A. No need, she's already been told TWICE!

aw shit. I can't help but laugh at these. the bad part is that this sounds just like my dad. that last one he actually did.:( :D

:) :o :D

**Alphonsus di Ligouri** · July 20th, 2007, 05:35 PM

ok a pedophile and a 6yr old are walking through a storm tossed woods at night. the kid says to the man, "mister I'm really scared out here." the guy replies, "you think you're scared? I have to walk back through this alone."