Slithis (1977)
The cover looks cool, the movie is a snore. Borrowing everything from 1950's low budget radioactive monster flicks comes the sleeping pill of the century...Slithis. With a plot about radiactive mud coming to life and feeding on people what could go wrong? Well....here's what this flick did, it gives little in gore and sex. What it does do is have a lot of boring, nonplot oriented, chatter. Expounding. Diatribe. Characters shuffling aimlessly looking for clues in stereotypical roles from one scene to the next. Slow motion frisbee tossing. Not even Slithis himself seems immune to being a giant bore-bomb. He moans a bit, claws someone, watches hobos talking about crapping themselves for an hour, watches a Burt Reynolds look-a-like try to score, and moans some more. Suckatude. Fucking kill me. I fell asleep twice trying to watch it. The DVD should of included an adrenaline shot or something.
Slaughter High
Any gorgasming freak worth his weight in trash loves a good slasher. At least I do. I need my daily dose of it like I need my crazy pills and beer chasers. Recently I checked out a slasher released during the golden age of gore (aka the 80's) that wasn't half bad. If you're into cheesy gut exploding fun then this pup may be right up your dark alley.
Damn I love painted cover art. Look at this pup. Doesn't it scream out to your every gushing gorehound yearning?
Anyways the plot, like most stalk and slash flicks of the era, is relatively straight forward. Marty is a nerd. Classmates pick on Marty. They take things too far, Marty takes an acid bath and he goes delirious with thoughts of revenge. Trapping his old school buddies in their decrepid highschool during an reunion, Marty deploys a series of tactics to get even with the cast of obnoxious assholes that transformed this once innocent, nice, wholesome teen into a raving lunatic. Personally I prefer people to be more psychotic than lame, but that's just me. Gore, tits, drugs, grab it.
Bad Ronald (1974)
This made for television flick blew my socks off in premise. It stars a never do well nerd with an overbearing mom, a boy who in a fit of rage accidently kills a little girl. His mother, fearing the cops will take her little boy Ronald away, has him build walls around one of the houses bathrooms in a spot that seems totally undetectable, a place where Ronald lives in a prison for months on end. This concept is believable (given the house is a mansion), cops and nosy neighbors are fooled by this ruse, believing Ronald ran away from home after the murder and his subsequent burying of the body. Then his mother unexpectingly passes away, new people move into the house unaware of the missing bathroom, and Ronald bides his time, still in hiding, mind slowly twisting into delirium and fantasy. He silently watches the girls.......
The acting is tight; the plot leaves the viewer grasping on to the edge of their seat wondering what will happend, silently lingering in total suspense. This movie is ripe ground for remake material, previously constrained in budget and rating by TV standards, it'll make for a great horror movie if given proper room to breath. You hear me big wigs!? Bad Ronald will totally take you on a magical journey to "Atranta".
Spookies (1987)
Holy crazy cauldron of creatures! Electric eel men, fart monsters, and Asian spider women battle the forces of dumb in The Spookies, a monster mash that will leave you braindead and bedridden. In a plot so simplistic and mind numbing that it makes Scooby Dooby Do look like a Shakesperean sonnet a group of stereotypical thrill seeking globs (lead by a total greaseball Italian in a shiny jumpsuit) get caught in a haunted house full of some of the zaniest cretins this side of C-rated (crap) celluiod. There's some bullshit about a wizard trying to resurrect his long dead bride, and control evil and bad wigs, but the story (for lack of a better term) gets so out of hand when the ensemble of sludge mongoloids and demonic ditzes attack that the movie totally seems to abandon any sort or coherencey. What we get is a cool parade of old school FX that will leave fans of monster pieces frothing. Check it out, this gem will get the sludge of forgotten VHS magic to choke your brainpipe and drizzle down your spine, turning you and all other viewing members into total fucking numbskulls. Who can resist?
Fatal Games (1984)
Getting into the spirit of olympic competition in a way any self respecting sleaze dog would I decided to feed my VCR an old worn out tape of the B-rated, so bad it's great slasher Fatal Games. It even has it's own theme song urging the LCD tripping audience to "take it to the limit", and the movie takes its own advice serving up a nice stew of utter retardation and directorial ineptitude that stretches the boundaries of sanity. A javelin tossing maniac with snappy pants is taking out the competition, everyone is wondering what the fuck happend to Nancy, and hot dogs are getting tossed around. I was drunk when I sat through this but I think had I of been sober the transexual, steroid shooting hijinks would have made less sense. Indulge your lowest common denominating trash guzzling urge and give this baby a whirl. You'll want to toss around a discus full of maggots afterwards.
August 13th, 2008, 12:47 PM
B-movie Basharama 3000!
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