First off, I know pretty much everyone knows I am bipolar but very few know all of the diagnosed mental illnesses I truly have. I am on medication for all so don't freak out when I list them here LOL It will be easier for me to list them as they are listed in my "Findings of Fact and Conclusion of Law" that I received from a judge when I filed for social security.
The claimant has the following severe impairments:
panic disorder with agoraphobia
borderline personality disorder
So anyway, my biggest problem I suffer from all of these disorders is the fear I have about one of my children being hurt through no act that I can control. I gave a few examples on one of the threads I hijacked which is why I made this group, so I don't hijack any more threads.
One of the worst cases was the drive in theater episode. My daughter fell asleep next to my mini-van which was parked on a slight slope. At first I was fine with this but upon further reflection I really had a huge problem with it. It started out simple, the thought popped into my head that my gearshift would magically move by itself and my van would roll down the slope and somehow run her over, this was impossible considering she was sleeping to the side of the van but once the thought popped into my head it wouldn't leave. So then I started obsessing about it, to the point that I could no longer even watch the movie anymore, all I could do was stare at my daughter sleeping. Then came the pictures in my head, not quite hallucinations, but I am not sure what they would be classified as. I pictured my van rolling down the slope, running over my daughters head and me cradling her in my arms as EMT's rushed in to save her life. The thought so obsessed me that I had to have my older daughter move her into the vehicle.
I am the only one that I know of that is allowed to keep my cell phone on during doctor appointments. It actually says this in my charts. When I do not have my cell phone around me and I am not home I instantly panic. All kinds of thoughts run through my head such as, my house is burning down and no one can call me to tell me what's going on, like always once the thought comes into my head it refuses to leave. Then come the images, images of my house on fire and my babies burned, again I am holding my child who is burned in my arms when paramedics arrive to try and save them. I really think this is why I am diagnosed with agoraphobia because I hate to leave my house when I cannot bring my children with me, like to doctor appointments.
I am actually kind of embarrassed I am spilling all of this on the web, but when I hear about people with "mental disorders" using them as excuses, except of course those that are truly insane, it really pisses me off. I have severe mental disorders yet I have never hurt anyone, true I am on a shitload of medication but if someone has all of these mental disorders, enough to where they want to harm someone, why the hell doesn't someone force them into treatment? Unless they hide the symptoms like I did.
In my case no one forced me into treatment, I hid my symptoms really well until the birth of my daughter in 2001. I went without sleep for days, some would say that is normal with a newborn but it was far from normal. Every single time I tried to lay down to go to sleep I would panic so badly that I couldn't breathe, so I sat in my room for days desperately trying to figure out what to do. It got to the point where I seriously thought about harming myself so it would just stop. Then on the 5th day I had the most serious panic attack ever, it was relentless and nothing I did would stop it. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I started hyperventilating, it was so bad I had to be rushed to the emergency room.
cont again LOL long ass post sorry!
They pretty much knew what was wrong after they tested my oxygen levels and realized I was getting enough oxygen to my lungs so they hit me with a huge shot of Ativan. Almost instantly I felt better. That's when they diagnosed me with severe panic disorder.
They gave me a referral to a psychiatrist who administered so many tests I can't even remember what they were all called. I never wanted to feel that way again so for once I told the truth about all of the feelings I had and that's how I was diagnosed with so many disorders. Anyway I am now medicated and for the most part feel 100% better, on most days, there are some days when the medication just doesn't do it for me and those days are horrible. I hide in my room all day and either my mom comes over to take care of my kids or my daughter takes care of them because on the really bad days I can't do much of anything.
So there you have it, I am out of the closet so to speak. There are many more stories I will eventually tell about and there are probably some days I will just come here to rant about it being a bad day. I really hope no one thinks worse of me for sharing all this here.
I certainly do not Think badly of you. In fact you have the balls to call out assholes that think they can use their illness to get off. I f that were true I would have gotten off on 2 DUI's. I got them during a very long period of breakin down. Never left the house, drank all day and night. They were just starting to diagnose me, at that time they just thought it was anxiety. I had been fired from 3 jobs, and I had never been fired before. It was the worst time of my life. Thank the heavens for my hubs. He helps pull me out of it. Once all the re-habs and jail time were over, I applied for assistance. It took them 18 months to diagnose me with BP, BPD, anxiety and depression. I still have days where I can't get outta bed, or when I'm at the shop with my hubs, I'll have to go to the upstairs office to loaydown. I have terrible insomnia and take heave duty meds just to sleep. That breakdown lead to me trying to figure out how to be a "normal" person after having been abused in one way or another from 5 yo to 25. After I got with my hubs, I realized that there are actually good people and he is one of the finest. Trying to re-program myself to act in a civil manner is one of my most difficult things to deal with. It is a minute to minute struggle. I have more bad days than good. These days are very hard for me, and there will never be an end to the struggle. So yes my dear, you are soooo not alone.
Comin here to DD has helped me in many ways. I get to vent to people who understand my passion and hatred to these guys. It has helped me de-sensitize my feelings about what happened to me. I'm learning to feel again. I hate feeling, but I guess it's part of who I was before my breakdown.
I, too, have Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depression. I'm still in the process of finding out if there's more. I have suffered from panic attacks in the past, though no one realized that's what they were. The doctor would just assume it was my asthma (which is extremely mild) and the fact that I didn't eat breakfast that day or whatever else excuse he could throw in there. I know some things that bring them on, so I just avoid the situations as much as possible.
I spend most of my day on the computer or sleeping because that's what keeps me from thinking and obsessing about anything. I'm not diagnosed as obsessive compulsive, but I still obsess. Whether it's about my kids, my husband, my birds, the weather, my house, the bills...whatever.
I rarely leave my house because I'm terrified that there will be a fire or someone will break into it and harm or take my birds. I want to take my kids camping this summer, but I most likely won't because of the major fear of my birds being stolen or harmed. I've tried working, but I worry about the house and birds and well, I take things too personally and end up quitting. I've never been fired, but last year I had a part time job and I got "let go". I didn't handle that well. I still take it personally.
I'm terrified that I will become agoraphobic once my kids are all out of the house, because honestly, the only reason I go anywhere now, is mostly for them. I'm on a few medications and I'm supposed to be on others, but I fight taking medications because I'm paranoid of chemicals and I'm getting worse. The only reason I take the pills I'm on now is mainly because not taking them causes severe withdrawal effects that has been likened, if not described as worse, than withdrawal from cocaine. I didn't know this when I started them or I never would have started them. I seriously think I will die if I didn't take them. I'm terrified that I won't be able to afford them. I stress over that monthly. I worry that if an act of nature occurred or something, such as a tornado, fire or break in, that I would be without them. I stress over that daily.
At the beginning of my relationship with my husband, I thought I would never be allowed to have birds because he'd always hated them. I have always wanted parrots since I was a young girl. About 8 years ago, he got me 2 lovebirds as a surprise. I now have 7 parrots, 5 of them large, loud and worse than toddlers, lol. I have been suicidal since I was 13 years old. Once I had children, which was never planned, I decided that I would wait until they were all out of the house and didn't need me anymore to kill myself. That was the "plan". My parrots, since they have such long lifespans and will probably outlive me, kind of take that plan away, so in a way, they are like medication. That doesn't stop me from still thinking about suicide on an almost daily basis. On really bad days, I self harm or want to really, really badly.
I am impossible to deal with for most people, not that I try to be that way. I have 1 friend and I rarely talk to her or do anything with her, which is probably the only reason we are still friends.
I can not take public transportation because I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking bad things. If people laugh, I feel that they are laughing at me. If I go out to a restaurant, I position myself in a way so that as few people as possible see me. I can't eat if people are looking at me and all the thoughts are there as if I was on a city bus.
I can't deal with the bills. I don't spend money easily. I don't answer the phone ever unless I know who it is. The kids get that job when they are home. All of this is a huge burden on my husband especially and my kids.
When I was a little girl, I never felt like my parents loved me. I would constantly ask my aunt if they did. This hasn't gone away. I need constant confirmation from my husband. My kids are different, because I know that's unconditional. I used to see small "beings" that would taunt me, especially around churches. I don't see them anymore, but I always have the feeling that I'm being watched. I do see things moving or standing there with my peripheral vision and I stress that it will develop into more.
I also hate when people use mental illness as an excuse for the crappy things they do. It devalues the hard work we put into maintaining normalcy as best we can. This part is terrible, I know, and I have never told anyone. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I was in such severe denial, that to me, I wasn't pregnant until I was 7 months along. I honestly did not show either. I lived with my parents who didn't have a clue until I was 7.5 months along and I told them. I lived in a small town where your business is everyone's business, and none of them had a clue either. I drank heavily, in fact I consider that I was an alcoholic, until I finally accepted the pregnancy. I know, HUGE no-no. I thank my lucky stars every day that it did nothing to her. Once she was born, I loved her like crazy, but part of me was still detached from her. I refused to call her by name, instead always referring to her as the baby. I had heard a story on the news about a woman in Britain who decided to give her baby a bath by putting her in the washing machine while it was on. I obsessed about it. Not that I felt I would do it to my daughter, but what was going through her head and how. Now the bad part, one day, putting her in her crib for a nap, I put a small pillow (a birth pillow) over her face and pressed down. I held it there for a few moments and contemplated. I didn't leave it to the point that she passed out or even fussed a lot. Just enough for her to squirm. I don't really know why I did it and I regret it every single day. I picked her right up and hugged her and held her and apologized and felt like total shit. I know you guys are probably in shock now. I know, it was fucking awful what I did. But I never let myself forget it and whenever any of my kids get on my nerves (not that she did that day), I always remember what I am potentially capable of and walk away. Christ, I'm crying now.
When my second child was born, I remember the first few weeks after, but then it's a total blank. I can't remember anything of his growing/development until just after he started walking. That was 16 years ago. I can remember other things about that time period, just nothing to do with him. I don't know why that happened, but I'm assuming it goes with my mental issues.
I was only diagnosed with the BPD about 3 years ago. I went all that time undiagnosed and untreated. My kids are 11, 13, 16 and 18. If I managed to raise them without killing them or abusing them (aside from the above mentioned incident), why can't others? So Aena, you are definitely not alone. You have nothing to feel bad about. Thanks for sharing your story and in turn allowing me to share mine.
(The end - finally )
Oh PT, I'm so very sorry thathyou have these problems, and I totally understand. Seein as how you feel safe enough t o tell your secret here, I think you are a very brave person. Sometimes if you tell you can confront the situation with new eyes and the help of some very understanding peers. Having supportive people who have actually been there, or are still there, helps me to feel not so alone in this fucked up world I have live in.
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. I know we all have many stories to share. I'm here for anyone.
I would like to kmow how other people deal with their illnesses. I was recently diagnosed also, and I havn't found a doc I trust enough yet. I just had to change over to my husbands insurance, so I have a lengthy battle ahead of me and I am terrified. terrified I have a terrible distrust for doctors, I've had one try the ol' you beed a pelvic exam on me when I was like 15. I ripped the IV out and split from the hospital. I don't waist any more time wish I was normal. I spend that energy trying to adjust to life after my breakdown.
I'm glad we are here and thank you both.
I know what you mean by not being able to find a doctor you can trust. My first doctor, well a mental health worker, when I was a teen broke my trust. He asked if he could bring in another Dr who was a colleague of his to see me. I think this Dr was more of a psychiatrist/psychologist. Any way, I said no. When I showed up for my next appointment, this other Dr was there any way. I stormed out and never went back. I understand now that he was only trying to help, but it broke trust.
I didn't go to see anyone again until about 10 years ago when I walked myself into the emergency room because I was seriously considering killing myself. The Dr I saw, on the second meeting, decided that all my problems stemmed from my two boys and told me that if I didn't get control of them now, that they would be in jail by the time they were 16 (and they're there or almost there, and are very law abiding thank you very much). She based this on the fact that I was extremely distraught at the time and naturally everything I was sharing about my life was the negatives. I thought she was counter productive and didn't go back. The next one I saw, about 3 years ago was better than the first 2 but I found it strange that he never wanted to get into any discussion about my past, about what makes me tick. He wanted to focus solely on my relationship with my husband. I stopped seeing him. The only good thing that came from him was a referral to a specialized program called DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). I attempted this therapy but ultimately found it to be a crock of shit. I also hated the other people there. I did a few months of it before giving it up. But, it was through the screening process that I found out that I have BPD, so that was good in that it's nice to have a name for it.
I now have (had, I missed the appointment and now have to grovel to get them to make me another one) to wait to see another specialist who will assess my needs and direct me to a proper Dr. Fingers crossed that this one will work out.
I also can't stand regular Dr's. I go because I need my meds, but I don't go often enough. I refuse to be poked and proded.
Redsaid, I think for you to come here and admit to having DUI's is incredibly brave of you. I couldn't imagine carrying that guilt. I actually just woke up from a vivid dream where I was driving drunk. It was weird. I have vivid dreams when I'm late on my medication. I hope you are able to find a good Dr soon. If you ever want to talk, you can always message me :)
So now I will indulge in another of my obsessions. When I don't have anything interesting to read, and since it's quiet around here at this time, I will spend considerable time going over my posts, correcting errors and such. I do that a lot. God forbid if I have any spelling or grammatical errors. If you find a post of mine that does, it's because I haven't gotten back to it yet or it's too old and I've forgotten about it
Yes there is some very bad, unaddressed guilt over the DUI's that, even in treatment I never got down to it. But he thing is, I was waaaaaay over medicated by the docs, plus the booze=no self control. Once the docs realized they had got me addicted, plus the severe mental problems, they went nuts, put me in the Chemical Dependancy Recovery Program (kaiser of course). They wouldn't treat my mental problems and eventually kicked me out. I did DBT before they even got me strung and didn't do anything about the mental probs. But I read somewhere that DBT is actually detrimental to folks with our diagnosis. I feel like I have just scratched the surface of finding out why I am the way I am.
Now my cat is in the vet right now. I had to drop him off for a bladder infection. Never had a cat get that before and the vet told me to rush him sown now before he has a heart attack! She didn't know that I'm a bubble off plumb, so of coures I freaked out. Left my shop with the hubs and rushed down the only to find I have to just drop him off and wait for a call tellin me he'll have a cathater (sp?) and will be spending the night. He's never spent a night away from home. So now I will be obsessing about my baby, is he in pain, will he make it, he hates other cats, under anestesia, on and on. I don't have children and I don't know if I can at this point, but my kitties are my babies.
BTW, I hate miss-spelling anything, but you'll find my redneck accent comes out when I type sometimes. LOL!
Aw Red, that makes you a good cat mommy
I almost lost one of my parrots a few months ago, I was devastated. He's still recovering and may have lingering health problems, but for now all's good. I'm sure your baby is being a trooper and can't wait to see you too.
I feel so badly for you Parrot Toes and trust me I know exactly what that is like. I also was a major alcoholic for years before they diagnosed me with mental problems. I have gotten a DUI and that is when they finally made me see a psychiatrist. I ad to take drug and alcohol classes and I was so in denial that I combative with the teacher of the class. I was always mocking him and looking up statistics to make him seem wrong in front of the class, sometimes I just made them up altogether. They are always changing my doctors and sometimes I am so scared to tell them how I really feel because I am so embarrassed about some of my thoughts.
I have had hallucinations, I used to have this really bad one it reminded me of the grinch but in shadow form, he would always walk through my kitchen at night and it scared the shit out of me so badly that I would have to close my bedroom door.
I too have no friends because i never do anything with them or call them back. I won't answer my phone some days, even for my mom and I am very close to her.
When my OCD kicks in (never know when it will happen) whatever I am doing at the time I just won't stop doing. If I am cleaning I will clean until I am almost half dead or in so much pain because of my back that I can barely move. If I am on the computer I will not get off, I won't make dinner, I won't do anything but sit on the computer. If I am laying in bed watching tv I won't get out of bed all day, I will just sit there. I can't make it stop, I try to force myself to leave the house but it rarely works.
I rely heavily on my daughter and my mother for support, they try to snap me out of whatever I am doing and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. For instance yesterday I had a really bad day, did nothing at all around the house, kind of just laid around. Ordered pizza for dinner because I didn't feel like cooking. Paid my daughter to clean the house because I didn't feel like doing it.
My doctor is worried about me because he said I seem so down when I go to see him, now I have to see him every 2 weeks instead of once a month. I am on 10 different medications a day, some for my back pain, some for my mental problems. I take 1800 mg of lithium a day and I shake so bad some days that when I hold a pen or pencil it just flips right out of my hand.
I am really hard to deal with, sometimes I am just downright mean to everyone. So I go sit in my bedroom because no one deserves to be treated like crap because I am having a bad day. The thing I am worried about the most is that the bad days are coming more frequently than the good days now. I am getting really paranoid.
I have had thoughts about just running my car off the road while I am driving, or wrapping my car around a tree. The only thing that stops me is the thought of what that would do to my kids, but the thoughts are getting stronger and stronger.
I am just rambling on, because I forget things so often, so I add them in as I remember them LOL so sorry about all the back and forth, but I just want to say I am in the same place you guys are and I am glad we have somewhere to share what is happening to us daily.
I missed my doctor appointment yesterday and JUST REALIZED IT!!! Now I have to call and sound like a moron and reschedule. Oh yeah I have to carry around a pocket organizer in my purse and write down EVERYTHING, but sometimes I forget to write in it. DUH!
Oh and today I am having a "good" day. Got up, cleaned the house, made kids breakfast, got on the computer for awhile, made the kids lunch, back on the computer for awhile while the kids are at the library doing arts and crafts.
Yay for good days! Today for me is not so good.
But kitty is doing ok. The vet didn't call me in what I thought was appropriatly soon enough and they close at 5;30. I went down there and banged on the door till someone came out. She had a ceel phone in her hand and a really weird look on her face. I thought she was gonna call the cops on me. I started rambleing about how I was Mousers mother and someone told me to rush him down right away and no one called me back and I can't irpab[p9af[b[Uh. Thank good ness she was the vet that actually called me back and told me to bring him in. She called me right in and took me to my baby. He wasn't blocked by the crystals because he peed a little bit in the carrier on the way to the vet. She tried to get him to go, are take a sample by needle, but he had nothing to take. Good sign. So she let me take him to observe him myself overnight. I will take him back for the test to see if it's infection or crystal from the food. Plus I found out he waeighs 15 lb, 6oz! @lbs overweight! That's a good sign because he was gone for 5 days a while back and came back skinny. I'm concidering for the first time keeping them inside. Never done that in all my life. I think my paranoia is getting worst. But kitty is ok for now.
Hi, you guys. Im coming here today, a little more broken down than usual. I had a memory come back to me last night. I told my husband about it and all he did was snap back at me to go to the doc. I told him in a low voice that "I would have said the exact same thing to you, after I said 'oh babe, Im so sorry.'"
Does anyone here deal with suppressed memories? This one was the most shocking one I think I've had....
You could PM me to, if you like. Personal shit I know....
I will also post under "vent it".
I'm sorry that happened to you Red. The memory and your husbands reaction. I have had it happen to me a few times too, yes. The biggest one was about maybe 14 years ago. I was sitting at my table working on my kids Hallowe'en costumes when all of the sudden a memory from when I was raped came back to me. It was pretty major and I don't understand how I had blocked it out to begin with. I had suppressed it until then. It was very disturbing.
Also, my husband says that shit to me all the time. I fucking hate it. "I'm not a doctor, what do you want me to do?" "Make an appointment with your doctor." In fights he uses my shit against me. He reminds me how crazy I am and tries to twist it on me that "it's all in your head" The hard part is that I don't know if he's right or not. It sucks.
I'm quite proud of myself :). Last night, being July 1st and Canada Day, I had to do my annual "take public transportation" thing. If you remember from an earlier post, I mentioned that public transport is one of my paranoia things. Any way, the fireworks are held downtown and to try to find parking would be like trying to find that needle in the haystack, so I drive to a city train station and take the train the rest of the way. The trains of course are fucking packed (probably past capacity). There is no personal space to speak of. Any who, the way there was hard. Especially since there are loads of young people and the one's I happened to be near were passing their time by poking fun at people (which is my fear). Ugh. The way back was packed even worse and the trip took forever but at least the mood was lightened by some really nice younger people who were drunk, but at least goofy drunk and sweet (which I think is rare). One of the girls was so drunk, she was trying to kiss her boyfriend but kept almost swallowing his face. It was funny. My kids were laughing.
Any ways, the kids had fun, went for a wade in the wading pool at midnight and got ice cream. We made it home alive and I didn't need to kill anyone. Another year before I need to do that again, thankfully.
Im glad you had a good time! People are funny!
Sorry bout your hubs, too. It's hard when they're supposed to always be your best friend. I just try to remember that the get just as tired of it as we are. But they get to excape sometimes and probably have to. !LOL!
Sorry guys, no one should use a persons mental illness against them. I went through a pretty bad divorce and custody battle and my husband brought it up but didn't go to far off the deep end into it (no pun intended). I am not a danger to my children and they are taken care of so I guess he couldn't have proven it in a court of law anyway. It is a lot worse than it was when I was going through my divorce though also, so maybe that is why?
Well today was a good day, I am almost scared to see what tomorrow brings. We are supposed to have a big BBQ and bonfire Saturday and Sunday, I have been working for days to get the pool cleaned out and I think I may have finally gotten it (crosses fingers)! Talk to you guys tomorrow and just remember we are strong and we can get through anything life throws at us!
Well, the klitties got some funk from the vet and required antibiotics, but they both survived after 6 days of layin on the bed panting and sneezin!
I went tothe doc today to get the referal to the Phyc. Fund out I waited 3 months and didn't need the referal all along. Ah well. Now I get to find 'any' doc that takes my ins. Guess I'll have to rely on the luck of the draw. I feel incredibly stupid that I'm so freekin paranoid about docs! I just gotta pick one and see what happens.
Can anyone tell me any more about what it's like for them havin BPD? I can't tell if it's all in my head or what. It's like I wasn't crazy for years and years. I just dealt with shit like an ol biker broad. Then I fell apart and it's like Im totally different. I jst don't get it.
Glad to hear about the kitties. :)
Being confused about whether it's in your head or not is quite common from what I understand. I was going to a gathering of other people with BPD and that was one of the most commom issues we all had. I used to think I was the only sane person in the world, what the fuck was wrong with everyone else? Turned out it was me, lol. Not that this makes us crazy, it's just now that we know about the BPD, we are more a work-in-progress than we thought and we can prepare people in our lives so that maybe they can be more patient and understanding with us......maybe.
Also, you probably have been BPD since your youth/teens but it took a meltdown or whatever else happens in our lives to have someone look at us and say "Hey, you just don't tick like you should". Being confused about whether it's in our heads or not kind of makes it like we're in denial that anything is wrong with us.
Here are some things I have learned. "BPD can be hereditary." Not necessarily the BPD itself, but being prone to mental illnesses. BPD can result from something traumatic in your life, normally during your childhood years since those are the years when people learn how to appropriately deal with normal emotions. If you were to pinpoint "the event", apparently it's like our emotional selves are stuck at that age. I'm not sure if something as an adult occurring can start it off but maybe just bring it out more? Some people never are able to pinpoint that "thing" that emotionally stunted them. I have a few links somewhere to more information. I will post them later on. I need to find them. :)
Thanks PT. I will share.
I was molested and essentially raped around 5 years old by my best friend's grandfather. So was she, the same night. Her mother allowed it to happen and let us sleep in a tent with him wearing only oversized tee shirts, no undies. Her mother knew this man was like this and had been over affectionate with her friends as a youngin'.
Not long after that my sisters boyfriends got to me. She snuck him in because he had nowhere else to go. My sis and I shared the same bedroom at that time. She asked me the next day why I was sleeping on the floor. That's the man I had the repressed memory of.
All this time mom and dad were drinkin the 'martinis'. I was daddy's little girl, helpin him work on cars and stuff like that. When I got a little older there's a memory lapse between that happy time and when dad started getting violent. My folks didn't 'play' with me as my sibs were 9, 10, and 13 years ahead of me and they had already been past that stage in parenthood. Children were to be seen not heard. I didn't have a lot of friends. But in 6th or 7th grade I met my 'best friend' who showed me the real world. Smoking, drinkin, doing drugs, etc. I got one hell of an attitude when I found out that dad's spankings and yard stick punishments weren't everyone elses 'normal'.
My oldest sister was having problems, mentally and had been threatening to commit suicide. My family did nothing about it. She and I were extremely close. when I was 13 she took those pills and went into the coma. My mom, didn't even tell me for a week. Sometime in that week I found her suicide note. like 9 pages. I'm sure that was what put me over the edge.
First year of high school I ran away countless time and eventually stayed away for 18months. Finally came back at 16. Got with this guy, my ex. I met him at 14 and he was 22. At 16 we got together. I got a job, then got a job with him. We worked together for a long time until I got a better job. Then we split up. He was terribely abusive in every way accept sexual. He was real mean. But he knew if he ever physically hurt me I would be gone in a second. Toward the end I tested him. Finally when I broke it off (we were living together), he asked me to marry him. I had no problem saying no. A month earlier I would have said yes.
The day he moved out he got very violent. He stayed all day (although all of his shit fit in half a van) he just wanted to tortue me. Dinkin JD all day he went nuts. Luckily he had two mutual friends helping him, and keeping me safe. I was outside when I heard him coming around the corner. I backed up the to wall and then I saw the barrel of a gun coming around the corner. I grabbed that gun and yanked as hard as I could We wound up tussleing to the ground before my friends even knew what was going on. I came up with the gun. He tried to attack me but one of our friends belted him one in the eye while I ran in the house upstairs. Now I have taken the beatings of my father many times so I was ready for anything he had to dish out. He came storming upstairs, kicked a real heavy end table into the air and across the room and grabbed me, while our friends were right behind him. They let me handle this one. He tried to thow me around but I wouldn't budge. THat wasn't what scared me. I'm not afraid of gettin beat up. I'm afraid of what I will do after I receive the first punch, I go nuts. HE was spewing all sorts of nasty vile bullshit while shaking me around the room. I stood me ground and got him off of me. My friends promptly usured him into the van and away from me.
A couple of years later I wound up having to work with him again. That was hell. they sent my on a 9 day business trip to Montreal. THat was HELL> *whole 'nother story'*
SO to sum things up, there are a lot of thing that made me the way I am. I want desparatly to blame my ex for all my problems. HE was a pedophile, an abuser, a predator. I only just in the last few months realized that.
But all the other shit made me volnuralble to him and he took advantage. I can honestly say that the only real love I have ever known was my sis who died. She never hit me, gave me lots of affection, talked to me like I was her equal, taught me lots of special things about spirituality. She taught me how to breath under water in a nightmare I used to have. She was a very special person.
What got me here today is that when I finally realized that I was safe. Safe with my huband, and at home, I fell apart and I dont know why? Why when life got good, did I fall apart? The judge that gave me my SSI was able to pinpoit the fact that I am hyper-viglant. I've never seen a judge with so much compassion for my situation. And I'll tell you, it scares me very much that I am so fucked up that
I can't work.
I'm posting some links to some BPD information I have. I thought maybe it could be useful to someone.
I hope this helps someone.
I had a lot of the problems I have read about in the above discussions. I am now 74 and about 6 years ago I got an operation that seemed to have made it all go away. I have even tried to give my self panic attacks [ I know how] and can not do it, they just don't happen anymore. I have read it is one of the most overlooked diseases in this country second only to adult onset diabetes. Most of the problems that I have read here are the result of some form of panic attack. Panic attacks as I understand it are directly related to different forms of calcium imbalances which control nearly every aspect of our metabolism from thinking, heart rate to stomach and bowel problems etc. I told a doctor about what I had gone through and next time I saw him which was about 4 months later he thanked me. He had a patient he had been treating for over two years with no luck. It seems they gave her the same treatment that I got and she was then ok.
Well I am doing a bit better. I have the new doctor who isn't so new anymore now. I am not diagnosed with ADHD also, that's the only thing they could think of for my memory lapses. I once lost 3 days, have no idea what happened except that I had new fake nails, new shoes and new clothes. I burned through 4k in those 3 days. I withdrew it in cash so there is really no record of what I did other than the obvious things I listed.
I am going for another hearing with the ALJ that denied me back in April. I have an appt. with a lawyer on Dec. 20th. I am so tired of fighting them, tired of calling and yelling at them. I did read somewhere that if you/your lawyer can prove you would miss 5 days of work a month you will be approved. I would miss more like 20 days a month.
I spend a lot of time in my bedroom still, refusing to answer the phone. I have lost all of my friends because I quit calling them and would never go out and do anything with them. I have had to leave the grocery store 4 times in the last 2 months because I felt smothered and like something would happen while I was shopping.
Christmas is the worst time of year for me, I love Christmas but it depresses me really bad. Not for the reasons that most get depressed over though. I get obsessed with buying presents for my kids, when I have no money I retreat to my room and sulk until I have money to buy them stuff again. I buy dumb stuff, stuff they don't need. Hell I can't count how many times I have bought double items because a) I forget I bought it to begin with b) I have this need to spend money on Christmas. This is the time when I truly feel like killing myself. Christmas Eve is the worst, I look at what I bought the kids and it is never enough (they never complain) but I get so depressed when I think about what a bad Christmas they will have and think maybe I should of bought this or that also.
Christmas Eve 2 years ago I tried to slice my wrists, cowards way out I know. I stopped because I thought, my god what would that do to my kids to find me on Christmas/Christmas Eve after I had killed myself. That would permanently damage them. I am already getting panic attacks about Christmas and I still have 2 weeks to go...this is the roughest time of the year for me. Christmas and right around my birthday when I lost the son I was carrying at half-term.
Just needed to rant!