by, July 17th, 2009 at 01:44 AM (851 Views)
From the Confession thread. Probably should have just put this here to begin with....
I confess, and this is hard for me to admit to, that I'm jealous and even a bit envious of people I know, and yes some on DD who have announced they are having babies.
I'm at the end of my journey in birthing children, not that I couldn't have another, but just don't see me doing it it at this late stage in my life. So, to be perfectly honest, I think I've been reflecting a lot on my experience in motherhood and the inevitable end to it....well, the getting pregnant part of it. The idea that I will never have another baby and experience the most amazing thing called pregnancy has left me sad and even depressed. I realize because of other issues in my life, this particular subject seems magnified and more sensitive to me.
I confess I do not like to admit to the fact that I always wanted a baby girl in the mix with my boys. I feel when I say that that I am not being appreciative for the most tremendous blessings I have before me. I also know that it really is OK to feel this but still, I feel guilty when I admit to it. I really wanted a daughter to share with her everything I missed as a child, as a little girl. I even kept a journal since a teenager that I would share with her one day. I can't believe I'm openly admitting this but I confess, if it feels good. I also want everyone who has shared their special news that I am very happy and most sincerely wishing them the very best with their pregnancy and their new bundles of joy.
I confess, and this is truth, that every time I hear baby girl news, my heart skips a beat. I lost my baby girl before I could hold her, and tho I did hear her heart once, I feel cheated. I know that will have to be enough as I don't see that dream being realized. I then confess as I am on a roll, that I HATE, absolutely loath the woman who willingly through away their baby girls, while I have none.
I confess....once again, I feel terrible for saying what I have just said and I want God to know that I love my boys more than life it self so don't look down on me for feeling this way. Because when I look into their eyes, I have no doubt there is a heaven.
(Yes, the residual Catholic guilt still haunts me still today.)
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