HR Bizarre #1
by, July 2nd, 2009 at 05:46 PM (519 Views)
My job “allows” me to wear many hats.
Actually, I get tossed into the mud, sludge and din anytime the boss has something he doesn’t want to deal with, he’s great boss, too big a heart and doesn’t deal well with bullshit that’s where I, ~~drum roll~~the bitch of everything comes in. My sometimes title, when convenient (among many others) is HR Officer. Oh, yeah, let those good times roll. Keep in mind, I hate, hate, unions and nylons, I hate wearing nylons!
*Disclaimer - Names have been changed to protect the morons involved. Okay, not true, I could care less about protecting the morons, it’s more to protect myself and the company as I’m sure if the morons see their real names in print the legal/union circus will crank up the clowns and I actually have more important meetings to attend.
Boss: “Here you go JMLS—I want you to investigate and respond to this sexual harassment charge we’ve just received- before it turns into a lawsuit.”
JMLS: <shaking head and thinking wicked thoughts> “ Ok, WTF now?” Yes, I do speak to the boss in this manner, I just don’t abbreviate the words. Upon review of the paperwork it appears *Skanky is claiming that several of our drivers are sexually harassing her over the company radio and she wants these drivers fired. <Thinking to self again—how about a good old fashioned firing squad instead -Skanky?>
JMLS: “Skanky, please come to my office. I need to speak to you about the allegations you’ve made.”
Skanky: “Ah, Uhmm, geez can I bring my union rep. with me-sniff, sob, sniff?” Yes, she actually starts blubbering. <jmls thinks to herself-- someone, anyone, just shoot me now>
JMLS: “Of course you can Skank, if it makes you feel more comfortable.”:rollseyes: <jmls thinks to herself-- someone, anyone, just shoot me now>
A couple days later…
JMLS (Wearing power suit and fucking nylons!): “Skanky and Union Rep *Bozo thank you for coming in to meet with us --*Tracky our truck boss, has also graciously agreed to join us.”
JMLS: “Skanky, you’ve made the very serious charge of sexual harassment against four of your co-workers, as you know, we here at *Happyland Trucking have a zero tolerance policy for that type of behavior/abuse. Please tell me exactly how you believe you are being harassed.”
Skanky: <bursting into tears> “They’re TALKING about me! Behind my back! <Sob, Sob>They’re spreading rumors about me!”
JMLS: “Skank, I understand this is a sensitive and difficult subject to discuss, but, I do need to know what is being said, to whom, by whom, and how you believe this is or may impact your position here at Happyland.”
Skank: “Well, they are all talking about what happened at the bar last Friday night!” <you, dear Demonites, know where this is going don’t you?>
JMLS: “So Skanky, what did take place, AFTER work hours, OFF Happyland property at the bar?”
Skanky: “Well, me and *Larry, *Curly and *Moe…”
JMLS: “Our drivers-- Larry, Curly and Moe?”
Bozo: <Interrupting> “Jmls, I don’t believe you need to know who else was present, as they are not part of the problem/rumor mill.”
JMLS: “Actually, Bozo, I do need to know all possible witnesses, I am required to do a through investigation into Ms. Skanky’s claims and I will be interviewing those individuals. Ms. Skank is demanding that some of her teamster brothers lose their jobs—do you not equally represent those members? We certainly want all of your members treated equally/fairly—do we not?”
Bozo: <mumbles> “Well, I, uhmm—go ahead Skank...”
Skank: “Well, we went to the bar, and I saw a cute guy playing pool…I wanted to play pool with him, but, his girlfriend didn’t like my touchin’ him as he was tryin’ to make a shot and she pushed me away. I pushed her back and I guess, I guess, I was going to hit her with the pool cue or something. So uhm, the guy, uhm, got mad and told me if I wasn’t a girl an wearin’ a dress he’d knock me into next week. So… I took my dress off and said fine! Let’s take it outside!”
JMLS, Bozo & Tracky --pick their mouths up off the floor.
JMLS: <stammering and not sure of what I think my ears heard> “So, you took your dress off in public?”
Skanky: “YES—and now they’re all talking about it!”
<jmls thinks to herself-- someone, anyone, just shoot me now>