Pete Bondurant

Taking the day off work. I drive to Des Plaines for no reason in particular. I am driving a 1997 Ford Crown Victoria that belongs to.....someone...I can't remember who. I am wearing a pair of dark blue, fire-retardant U.S. Navy issue coveralls. I have on a red baseball hat with the Beaufort, South Carolina Fire Department insignia on the front. I also have a pair of dark Blues Brothers style sunglasses. I am wearing a pair of rubber boots. There is no CD player, so I am listening to the radio. A Spanish station playing samba(?) music. The windows are rolled down. I pass by a McDonalds where I shot an old man a few months ago. There are flower displays tied around a street-light near the location of the incident. I am drinking a 1 litre bottle of Dasani. I never would have considered consuming Dasani Bottled Water until I read a magazine article that stated Dasani Brand was found to have illegally high levels of bromate, a cancer causing chemical.

I stop in a pleasant park adjacent to an upper middle-class neighborhood . I switch from Spanish music to Rush Limbaugh. Rush is discussing Senator Arlin Spector's switch to the Democrat Party. Arlin Spector is a filthy bastard. Rush's tirade inspires me. I see several grey squirrels near an empty picnic area. There has been an invasion of grey squirrels in parks and neighborhoods of late. Apparantly, the grey squirrels are extremely aggressive and violent and they slaughter the timid red squirrels whenever possible. I am a great admirer of these grey squirrels. I remove a Beeman .22 cal. air rifle w/ 4x32 scope from my trunk. I sling the rifle around my shoulder and place a Crosman .22 cal. air pistol in my belt. When confronted by several housewives as to my activities, I explain that I am an agent of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, and that I am "humanely disposing" of rabid rodents in the area. I walk towards a large grouping of trees where I spot some red squirrels. One squirrel is stopped about ten feet from a spruce tree. I aim and shoot. Dead. In the next two hours I manage to bag 27 red squirrels. Two local boys, Scotty and Kyle, assisted me. To see such homicidal dedication among children made me proud to be an American. I let them keep the pistol and a box of ammuntion. I also told them that if they were to see any negroes or Mexicans anywhere near the park, they should call Homeland Security immediately. I also encouraged them to enlist in the United States Marine Corps as soon as they turn 18, and I gave them some of my American Nazi Party brochures.

Then I paid my respects to Chief Blood Claw, the leader of the grey squirrels in the park. He praised my ruthlessness and steely determination and accepted me as an honorary member of his clan. I was able to forgo having my testicles bitten off, which is usually what a squirrel chieften will do to other males in his clan. Blood Claw even offered me several of his concubines. I refused this incredible honor, however, as I am an Episcopalian and therefore, celibate. Afterwards, I drive to an Arby's on Lee Street where I eat three large roast beef sandwiches w/ Arby's sauce and two orders of Curly fries...to drink, a large sized Mountain Dew. Rush Limbaugh is singing a duet with Phil Donohue....something from My Fair Lady. I Could Have Danced All Night......

1 Member(s) liked this post