Dark Star

Don't delete it, it is sometimes good to just let things like this mellow. Come back and read it from time to time.

I'll just give ya a hug and say it'll be OK. I'm sorry people have hurt you!!

R

Shit fire Harley thanks. First time I've blogged like this.

I'm sorry too, but I am also sorry for everyone else, cause I know no one, no one has had it easy.

Sometimes dude, I hope the fuck I fall down and forgot every painful thing that's happened. Heh, but that will never happen. Sometimes I wish I could just have a fucking lobotomy, but then with my luck the doc would sneeze and oops I'd wake the fuck up shitting my pants and drooling for a living...or one day...one day I just stop thinking and be free. Fuck that would be really nice.

The blogging can be therapeutic I believe. These life experiences make us who we are. Without them we would all be just alike and kinda blank.

At the end of the day you have to ask yourself, Do I still love this person? The answer tells you what the next question is.

If the answer is yes, then the next question has to be, How do I live with what has happened to make me ask the first question?

The how has to be one of two things, You either put heart and soul into getting past it, or heart and soul into getting out of it.

If you don't approach either path heart and soul, neither path will make you happy.

If the answer to "do I still love this person" turn out to be no, then heart and soul has to be directed at getting out of the relationship, or you will never be happy.

Only one person can make YOU happy, and that is YOU.

Never give someone else control over your happiness, cuz nobody cares about it as much as YOU!

I'll shuddup now. :D

R

I :heart: Hippie. You're gonna be okay. It takes time, and it may take some change, but you're gonna be fine one day, you wait and see.

We are all fucked up Hipppie, don't delete it.
What Harley said: You are your best advocate. Ignorance is not bliss, btw. That's just a bad rumor. I'm here if you need me.

Smoochies and all that jazz,

mamma

Thanks to all of you who read this and didn't go..."Shut up you fucking whiner!"

I have a love/hate relationship with myself. Writing it out again (I swear I've done it a hundred times [which is why I chose beating a dead fucking horse as a title] was good, and it seems to be much easier than a year ago when the shit hit the fan.

Harley you touched upon some things that I KNOW, and that I have heard, and that I cannot seem to get a fucking grip on. I do love Mr. Hip but sometimes, I loathe him. Sometimes I want to beat the living shit out of him for being weak, for lying to me for two years. I thought love should be a beautiful thing, not a thing I wished I had nothing to do with it. Love has only burned the shit out of me.

I remember Mr. Hip telling me once, in the beginning of our relationship, when I kept refusing to get involved with him because of all the past shit. That love was not supposed to hurt, they (my ex's) didn't love me or they would have never done those things. He made me believe that he was different, that he was monogamous, that he was not like my ex's. Even while he was having his two years of screwing prostitutes (4 girls....a total of 6 times....he confesses to....the story changed several times before that number came out) he denied he was cheating. See old Miss Honest in your fucking face came right out and asked him when we were married 7 years...
"You satisfied sexually with me? Anything you need to experiment with? Do you have the 7 yr itch".

I still remember the day perfectly, him grabbing me up and kissing me and telling me how much he loved me and I had nothing to worry about. (he'd already fucked a prostitute I'd found out later)

Is that love? Does he love me? He says he does, but I guess I have a hard time believing him, because I myself love him, and could never have done that. If I wanna fuck someone else, I'd tell him. I don't lie to him about shit.

I love him & I need to get over this, or move the fuck on. It is that simple..........but so motherfucking hard. Ya know?

:lollypop:

I'm going to tell you this plainly Hippie, because I wuvvles you. Your counsellor is a psycho. Get a new one. This is NOT apples and oranges.

IF someone I loved gave me a (curable?) STD, lied about it several times, and mostly likely still hasn't given me all the facts - he only told you because you confronted him from what I can tell - I'd pack and get the fuck outta there.

That's a lot of prostitues, a lot of times. That's a lot of lies, a lot of times.

You should be thinking about YOUR happiness, not your jerk's happiness. I understand you love him, but are you truly happy? If you can say 100% that you are happy all the time, then good! If it's more like 20% of the time, seriously you need to get out.

I'm going to tell you this plainly Hippie, because I wuvvles you. Your counsellor is a psycho. Get a new one. This is NOT apples and oranges.

We quit seeing her....cost too much money. Heh.

IF someone I loved gave me a (curable?) STD, lied about it several times, and mostly likely still hasn't given me all the facts - he only told you because you confronted him from what I can tell - I'd pack and get the fuck outta there.

Husband #2 gave me the STD, not Mr. Hip.

That's a lot of prostitues, a lot of times. That's a lot of lies, a lot of times.

You should be thinking about YOUR happiness, not your jerk's happiness. I understand you love him, but are you truly happy? If you can say 100% that you are happy all the time, then good! If it's more like 20% of the time, seriously you need to get out.

The situation is a motherfucker at the very least, but thank you for you input.

Peace~

Sometimes hippie, people go through this thing where they should communicate with his/her partner about what he/she is feeling. I think some people fuck up and do things that are destructive. Love shouldn't be like this but it does take a hell of a lot of work. He probably does care about you, but you need to ask yourself, is he in love with you..or is he more in love with himself.

love you hippie. and nothing i can say can take the pain away, just know i'm here for you.

I just saw this...thank you polis. I appreciate your kind word.....(I really do) and I know what you mean.
Love to you~
Hippie

Wow, this blog is a heart breaker for sure.

First, I'm sorry about your mother, I know that has to be hard. Second, Im sorry you have had such poor luck with the men you have given your heart too. It gets harder to trust someone each time you open up and you are let down in the same way.

I can tell you though that there are plenty of men out there somewhere that know how to be faithful and would be willing to show you, the trick is finding them without chasing them away with ghost relationships that seem to haunt you.

When a person is struggling with the infidelity of their significant other, it makes a person want to doubt themselves. They wonder why this happens, what did they do wrong, what could they have done different, or maybe they wonder if this is how realilty really really is with relationships.

I know you are struggling with what to do or how to get over your past, but dont give up hope. In time the pain goes away and the answers become clear, just dont forget who you are and what you're worth before you get to where you need to be.

Can't sleep so I decided to read and found your blog.

So very sorry about your mother...sweetie, that your not over her death is normal. It was such a significant moment in your life that you will never get entirely past it...and that is O.K.

I got to tell you that I would like to kick your ex's and current Mr. Hippie's ass. Sorry, but no women with a good and giving heart should be treated like you have been...I got a sword, just give me the word...he, he.
Seriously, I think you can't get past your hub's infidelity because you haven't been satisfied with the answer's to your "whys". Also, did he ask for forgiveness? how did he go about making amends to you? Every women, and I don't care what anyone says, wants to be the love of her man's life, the only thing he needs and desires...maybe not realistic but dammit it is true.
I think this has everything to do with a loss of faith and trust. Remember, he did wrong by you, he has to prove his love and trust and earn it back...if he hasn't done that to your satisfaction, well, he's got a lot of work ahead of him...you get to decide when amends have been met, not him.

If he is truly sorry and his love for you is more important than any desires he might still harbor, he will change willingly and with out reservation. After that is said and done, then ask yourself, "do I love him in such a way that now I can freely forgive him"? If yes, then sweetie, you are on the road to recovery and your marriage will not ever be the same but possibly better than before.

Forgiveness is key but you first must see true remorse and absolute commitment on his part to make up for his betrayal.

I hope in some small way I have helped....I'm here if you ever need to talk. ~hugs~