You Just Don't Fit In
by, May 28th, 2010 at 02:29 PM (948 Views)
I take the day off work on Wednesday to take care of kindergarten enrollment stuff and IEP stuff for my son.
I sit in the line of cars dropping off their little darlings out in front of the school. Soccer moms in minivans daddy in a work truck. As I wait I watch. The PTA moms chat with each other infront of the school entrance. Laughing and hands waving, looking like a bunch of hens at the hen house. Savannah kisses me tells me she will see me that afternoon after school.
I take Dakota to daycare. Even though I dont have anything to do at that particular second and could keep him with me longer he likes it there.
Drive get a cup of coffee, put on my make up in the car, get stared at by random dump truck drivers and hvac guys that are stopping at the royal farms too. I don't care Im an epic relationship failure. Not really interested in being check out. Call my friend Mike and say hey you wanna run some errands with me? He says yeah thats cool I dont have to be to work till four.
So I get little man enrolled take care of the IEP meeting and take Mike home. We laughed made stupid jokes had some fun. Took my mind off all the shit lately atleast for the few hours we hung out. Mike and I have been friends since sixth grade. Hes an epic relationship failure too. We laugh at ourselves and each other. Talk water treatment then go back to life.
I pick Dakota up at two. We start waiting at Savannah's school. While we wait I watch the soccer and PTA moms. I watch the happy mommy and daddy teams. I look at the school and see suburban hell. A hell I once had. My heart aches because I found out not only is my husband playing fake happy family with his girlfriend and his twin daughters but all the time I dated Jordan he was also playing happy family. Playing happy family with his "ex" and their kids. But coming back to my house every night. Well playing happy family has now gotten him another addition to it.
So me and the boy get out of the car right before its time for Savannah to get out. I tried talking to the soccer pta moms. But I dont fit in. Don't even bother with the mommy daddy tag teams. I hang my head in shame take lil mans hand and walk to the door to wait for Savannah.
After I get her I meet up with the roomies. We head over to the park with all the kids. Im emo and Liz can tell. She dosnt bring it up. Savannah talks me into swinging on the swings with her. So we are swinging seeing who can go higher, and I watch Dakota running with other little boys at the park. It was a distraction. A couple more hours of carefree time at the park on a beautiful warm day.
Came home took a shower. Cried a bit in the shower. Got all the park ick off me. Scalding hot water streaming down my body. It felt good like washing the worry away.
Me and the roomies head out later that evening to take the kids for icecream. They are doing everything they can to keep my mind busy. Joe Liz's husband remarks about how much happier I look and act. Its all an act. Im misrable. I go to bed at nine every night. It was his best friend that hurt me.
On the way home I get a call from lil Steve my georgous blond hair blue eyed coworker. His dad is one of my bosses. Big Steve has been pushing for me to meet his son forever. Now I work with him. Now im single he is hinting that lil Steve and I spend more time together. Lil Steve has asked me out dancing. I said yes but only as friends. He took the tint off my windows monday. It was nice chatting with him for a few hours as he worked on my car. He was kind to both my kids. Gave my son a ratchet set to play with on his truck. When I objected he told me it was fine he couldnt hurt it. Hes really kind in general. I just have no intrest right now.
Lil Steve called me when I was headed home for the night Wednesday. Invited me and the kids over for dinner. Even if we hadnt already ate I would have said no. I dont know what happened to the me that I was before I moved down here. I would have jumped on him in a heart beat. Sweet with the cutest southern accent. But I can't because im scared. Because even though we are friends im not ready for more then that.
I come back to work on thursday I look around at the site. I walk around and do my thing. All the guys say good morning. Missed you yesterday where were you? I don't fit in here either. Sure im smart, I know what im doing. But I will never fully be a comrade to these guys. They respect me because they have to. New subcontractors show no respect until they are forced to. Im a female living in a mans world. Im a pretty female walking a construction site.
I don't fit into the suburban jungle I drive home to every day. I don't fit into the construction world. I don't fit into the relationship scene. Where exactly do I fit in?
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