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Scribbles & Musings

Over-reaction or Justified Opinion?

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by
ScribbleMuse
, December 15th, 2009 at 10:58 PM (318 Views)
My daughter is 11 and due to the small size of our community and schools, she attends a high school that is more technically termed a literal junior high, with 6th through 12th grades. This is the first year that they've had 6th graders there--they did have K-6th at the elementary with 7-12 at the high school.

To explain a little more why I'm "allowing" this rather than doing whatever I can to keep her away from 18-year-old kids, when I talk about how small our community is, I really mean it's small. We have population signs posted at the village limits (and yes, it's actually termed a VILLAGE), and ours has 746 total population. Our schools, both elementary and high school, serve ONLY this community. So out of 746 total population, give or take a few who moved or were born out of census years, our schools only house the kids of those population. Our graduating classes have less than 50 members.

So you can hopefully see why I actually love our community.

So anyway, this year there are tons of drama in the girls of Rylie's class. So much so that it's driving me absolutely nut-fuck bonkers in trying to teach my own little drama queen how to deal maturely with not-so-mature classmates. It gets pretty rough because I apparently have problems talking tweenie talk in ways that translate to their little tweenie ears. I love my daughter more than anything, and sometimes the differences between us fascinate me, but other times they drive me up the wall in a crying, jangling mess.

In the meantime, during these trials and tribulations, I encourage her to talk with her guidance counselor who is apparently filling a much bigger role nowadays than my old GCs did. They're really "interactive" and constantly meeting with the kids to discuss how things are going socially, academically, and blah blah blah. Mine only met with us once in our school careers, and that was to fulfill what I think was a requirement to check what we were going to do with the rest of our lives.

I was happy about this new breed of GC at first, and still am in most ways. But lately I've been wondering how great the GC really is because of concerns of confidentiality. Now, when I encourage Rylie to talk to her GC, I encourage her to trust the person, to even perhaps talk about stuff she wouldn't feel comfortable talking with me about. Even though I emphasize that I am ALWAYS available, and even though I am as neutral as possible (i.e. I'm not going to give her full clemency if she confesses something really bad, but will take that confession into consideration). I just mostly want Rylie to have a set of adults that she can always depend on, to hopefully cover all those dangerous areas. And I'm not as unselfish as it sounds--I want her to trust adults that I have "power" over, as in being able to go to that adult and ask what my daughter is saying, and get the answers.

But in the last couple weeks, this GC has been meeting with Rylie and the others like normal, and talking over the politics, rumors, and problems like usual. My problem is that she has mentioned to Rylie that she's had "lots" of "phone calls" and "complaints" about particular girls and classmates. I do not think this is right, or fair, and I do NOT want Rylie to talk to this person now, because I don't trust her. I'm considering even talking to the school about her, which is mortifying Rylie of course, and my gentle-mannered husband is disgusted with my confrontational ways, but I'm not sure it's good to let this go without mentioning what is going on.

So what do you think? Are there any confidentiality laws regarding school counselors and the kids? I know that there are medical laws in place to protect information to the point of lunacy. I just think that by telling one student that another is getting complaints by others is not a good thing. I would not want to know that she is telling others that Rylie is getting a lot of complaints if the situation were reversed. I'm also semi-acquainted with the parents of the other girls that she has talked about to Rylie, and I feel a little guilty in not telling them what has been said. I also do not want to cause more problems, though, by trying to STOP rumors and bad feelings from heresay.

Argh. I always wanted a girl when I was pregnant, and for the first time am thinking that a boy would be so much easier. This year has been a nightmare of puberty and cat fights.

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Updated December 23rd, 2009 at 03:31 PM by ScribbleMuse

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  1. OMalley's Avatar
    I wonder if you might speak directly with the guidance counseler about your concerns first, before contacting the school about her? Maybe there's a method to her madness. Or, maybe she just screwed up. But I agree with you that it doesn't seem right for her to tell your daughter (or any of the other kids) anything about complaints made about others. Especially in such a small community - seems like this could cause more problems.
    Good luck.
  2. ScribbleMuse's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by OMalley
    I wonder if you might speak directly with the guidance counseler about your concerns first, before contacting the school about her? Maybe there's a method to her madness. Or, maybe she just screwed up. But I agree with you that it doesn't seem right for her to tell your daughter (or any of the other kids) anything about complaints made about others. Especially in such a small community - seems like this could cause more problems.
    Good luck.
    Yeah, and that's what I'm afraid of doing myself (causing more problems than helping).

    See, Rylie's had a lot of specific problems regarding two particular situations this year and I've encouraged her to talk to the GC quite a lot. I am concerned because I do not feel now that it was very wise to do so, because I don't trust her now. But at the same time, I don't want to say much in front of or to my daughter in case you're right and there's a method or more to the story than I'm hearing now.
  3. OMalley's Avatar
    As far as you getting involved by talking to the counselor, I think it's absolutely your right to ask her what she's doing, what her plan is, and how she's advising your child. If you're feeling uneasy about trusting her (the gc) you should look into it (IMO - my kids are still little! I don't have to deal with this teen-age stuff yet.) I hope everything works out.
  4. ScribbleMuse's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by OMalley
    As far as you getting involved by talking to the counselor, I think it's absolutely your right to ask her what she's doing, what her plan is, and how she's advising your child. If you're feeling uneasy about trusting her (the gc) you should look into it (IMO - my kids are still little! I don't have to deal with this teen-age stuff yet.) I hope everything works out.
    Thanks--I think I really needed exactly what you're giving me--good and logical advice that does not discount my initial discomfort or feelings of disquiet in the situation. My hubby and I are total polar opposites--I confront, he simply walks away when he's unhappy. I think it's because our gauges for outrage are set so differently. While his calm actually helps me most of the time, sometimes it is really frustrating.

    I was just thinking tonight that I wish I could move time backward to the itty-bitty years again. I'm feeling less adequate than ever now that she's older and truly her own person. I'm still blessed that she's such a great kid, regardless of my own ineptitude in parenting. :)

    BTW--Love your avatar. Is that your own kitteh? I've been oohing and ahhing over at the cheezburger site tonight and feeling all mushy toward kitties.
  5. OMalley's Avatar
    My kitty looks just like my avatar except he has a much sweeter expression. He is so beautiful and sweet but not too bright.
  6. Saffron's Avatar
    I'm thinking that this counsellor has been more general in her statement that there have been calls and complaints than perhaps your daughter realizes. Teens and pre-teens take information that they receive from others and tailor it to their expectations of what they want to hear.

    It could also be a technique that she's using to show Rylie that she's not alone in the way she feels. That's important for teens to know and she's not giving details. I would be much more concerned if she said "Rylie, you are not the first person to complain about Katherine. Yesterday, I got a call from Amanda's mom and she said Katherine poked Amanda in the eye, called her a slut and told everyone on the bus that Amanda's boffing Susie's boyfriend." Using a very general statement that she's gotten calls lets Rylie know that someone is aware of the situation. It's very general information that doesn't really mean much. Saying that they have received calls and complaints doesn't mean that the school is punishing the other party or even acknowledging that wrongdoing has occurred, it means that they are aware that there is conflict between two or more students and they are looking into the situation.
  7. TheMeaningOfItAll's Avatar
    Scrib,

    Maybe the counselor was telling your daughter this in an "I know, those girls are pretty nasty and you aren't the only one going through this" type of way. She could have just been trying to give your daughter a verbal "pat on the back" and instead let it slip that those girls are evidently causing problems for other kids.
    Could you just call the counselor and say you want to talk about Rylie and her conflicts with those girls and then somewhere in the convo. simply ask if everything Rylie tells her is confidential. Once she says yes, you could say something like, "Okay, good. I just wanted to make sure what goes on with Rylie stays between us." That way you've put her on notice and if she slips again, you can go apeshit.
    We have three girls, so I feel your pain. Our 7 year old is getting sass from other girls in her class and I can't help but wonder what those little brats will be like when they are in their teens. Our kids are great (I'm not partial at ALL!) but it's everyone else's kids we have to watch out for. Hang in there, Mom. Sounds like you're doing a great job!
  8. ScribbleMuse's Avatar
    Sorry guys, just noticed that there are more responses and wanted to reply real quick--but I cannot type much right now due to illness/hand problems. Long story and if possible I was going to blog it tomorrow.

    These are great input and I think you're both right, and with some great ideas. Lots of drama going on right now with this group of girls and their families are not exactly the type that provide help on their ends. That involves some stories I want to share later too--interesting stuff.

    Gotta go--I'm so doped up right now on pain meds that I'm loopy but still hurting a lot. :(