http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/blog.php?975-Scribbles-amp-Musings en Mon, 20 May 2013 12:56:34 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/blog.php?975-Scribbles-amp-Musings http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1274-Oh-Joy-It-s-skankfest-again Wed, 14 Jul 2010 10:41:50 GMT I'm indulging in a very drama-laden bitch attitude--complete with every sickening girly bad stereotype you can think of.

I'm not a jealous person. Fuck, we had threesomes in the start of our relationship, and while that was definitely not the fun and sexy reality that we dreamed of in our fantasies, we made it through even stronger and much more understanding of the differences in harmless innocent flirtation done in fun and passing and those flirtations that are downright disrespectful.

However, one week out of the year, he goes to rockfest with his lifelong best friends. Now, I'm glad he has those friends and know how rare such a longtime and honestly happy and healthy friendship is. I'm glad that he gets the point of having something like a guy's trip once a year. I don't begrudge him any time or company with them, but for some reason rockfest leaves me a nasty mess of spite--the very epitome of the foolish bitch who snaps ridiculously every time her guy looks in a different direction. well, many reasons, all of them tiny though. I really don't know why the week gets to me in the way that it does.

He's leaving today and I was doing much better with everything--then as usual something comes to me via someone else (rather than him, which pisses me off at the very core) and it's time for the bitch to unsheathe her claws.

Some woman he and his friends shared a campsite area with last year tagged the photos she had of him. Most were innocent fun, but a couple almost made me imagine I could see the steam coming from my own ears--the one with him for some inexplicable reason with some bitch (sorry, not in the mood to be fair), he topless and grinning in a drunken idiocy and she in her bra; all the wet-tshirt photos from the contest surrounding the ones of his innocent ones. The last were of course not guilty behavior in the pics he was IN, but being tagged in them means that my daughter and family could follow the tag through to see the pics in an album that is most definitely obviously at his campsite with naked fucking skanks--before he has a chance to untag them (and I'm assuming that after he wakes up in a moment and reads my very scathing assessment of said pics he will want to untag them).

it's almost like this particular event is so steeped in the past, that they all feel the need to remain as immature and horny as they were when they first attended at 16. Now they're all 30 and the behavior is getting as old as they're getting--I hope with all the spite i can muster (which is a lot) that someone snaps a pic this time that captures that most shameful vision: the old person who seemingly doesn't understand that they're not 16. Obviously none of us are old, but there is a time that the same behavior on a 30-year-old is not as endearing or fun as it was when drinking was still done only covertly, just as with the boob obsessions.

At any other time of the year, for any other event, I don't care at all. I don't worry, and I'm not worried now that he'd actually fully cheat on me, but it doesn't take full genital contact to make me feel like I've been disrespected and to feel ashamed. I want to demand respect and at the same time I want to be all nice and easygoing because on the topmost surface, this is something he deserves--a week of a traditional guy bonding thing. But fuck, this feels so pissy to me. I could handle them going to vegas, to anywhere. But this for some reason always feels like it will be easier to cheat (to define "cheating" as anything that I really feel uncomfortable or hurt about--not just fucking), because it's like they all think that this week has a requirement of pretending that none of them have wives, responsibilities, or have to have respect for any of us.

It just makes ME want to turn around and be childish--fuck, I always think I have a full weekend that I'm left here all alone, and why the fuck should I sit at home with the gnawing punch-in-the-gut feeling when I could go hit my old haunts?

don't you just hate the fuck out of it when you know you're being unreasonable and over-emotional, and yet you can't stop and don't give a flying fuck!? ]]> ScribbleMuse http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1274-Oh-Joy-It-s-skankfest-again http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1268-Soooooo-pleased-with-my-life Sun, 27 Jun 2010 01:32:17 GMT Just got back from my very first biological workshop. For a couple days, I was totally without internet service. Though I did notice it when I was... Just got back from my very first biological workshop. For a couple days, I was totally without internet service. Though I did notice it when I was in the farmhouse, it only really got to me when I was thinking about it. I was that content--didn't even need to cruise the interwebz in the middle of the night to fill in the hours till I get sleepy because I was just so damned happy/stimulated to be finally in the midst of nature. *grin*

And to give it an even sweeter flavor, it was just like the most cliched slasher film ever--an old farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, a group of students coming together to study some obscure slice of knowledge/experience, all done surrounded by about 500 acres of protected swamp/bog and meadows/rivers--awesome! :crazy:).

So now I'm pleasantly exhausted, filthy, dehydrated, and so fucking happy I am grinning like I'm drunk.

btw, this post is absolutely pointless and most if not all of you reading this will feel like I just stole 25 seconds of your life that will never be regained.... lol

Catching up slowly to the world events, which have been unchanged--pretty much a distressing proportion of society is worthless... lol ]]> ScribbleMuse http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1268-Soooooo-pleased-with-my-life http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1181-This-is-where-it-all-hangs-out Tue, 20 Apr 2010 07:57:27 GMT This is one place I think I can share with people (even though you're all online, I believe in you! lol) that my real-life friends and family wouldn't easily find. And if they do, they can suck up anything they don't like.

Today I can type, but tomorrow I may not be that lucky. Hopefully I will be, because it is a good indication that I can write, and there are some exams coming up, and a dissection in zoo lab tomorrow. Yet the pain and fucking whatever-it-is may quickly debilitate me again, and so I wanted to spill my guts first.

I don't try to bore you, but I know it's always boring to hear about someone's illness. :) But tonight, I'm sitting here and it's 2:30, and I'm trembling and crying and sitting outside in the garage to hopefully keep the numbness going in my fingers long enough to bitch a bit. Basically it's some sort of arthritis, but no one knows what KIND. They'll say rheumatoid, psoriatic, reactive, blah blah. It doesn't run in my family other than slightly arthritic knees, and I've been on a regimen that would cure many mild cancers--a strong dose of prednisone, weekly injections of methotrexate, infusions every 3 weeks of Remicade. Instead of alleviating anything, or even slowing it down, it's aggressively attacking me. In 3 months, between November and February, I have x-ray documentation of bony destruction. I cannot get help from the medical community and have been told that others suffer happily with arthritis, and that I refuse to accept the fate I am dealt.

Which brings me to the bitch part. See, I don't think it's wrong of me to mourn my life. My life as I know it will die with this condition if indeed it is incurable and not even stoppable--and right now with the pain/swelling coming back, I think it is satan himself, and I sure as hell can't stop him since I've almost lost all faith in God as it is.

I KNOW others suffer worse, and don't deserve it. I read this site daily and innocents are brutally tortured every day--I know that and I have cried and dealt with cracks in my own soul when faced with the evil that man can do. But honestly, in the midst of the pain, i am an animal. I've had a baby. I laid in a hospital bed for 2 days with ruptured intestines, and I've come back from a medically induced coma to what I thought was the worst possible pain ever, but this shit is worse. In the last "spell," the only way I was able to get through the day sane is the slow understanding that as bad as it was, as intolerable as it was, the next day it was going to be worse. I can honestly say that this pain is nothing like anything I've ever experienced, and when combined with the utter helplessness (I lost the ability to walk in the last spells--even when I could overcome the pain, my knee would just give out), it's a horrifying existence.

So now I know what a selfish bitch I am, because I cannot be noble with this. I just can't. I try to get through it with the true sympathy I have for others, but I can't help slipping into this feral state of anger and fear and pain eventually. I hate myself then--there is no other time that I feel more dirty as a human than when I am suffering like that. I can see every flaw I have, and then can see just how selfish I am being because I can't stop crying from the pain until the tears just run out, and so the idea of me being a wife or mother is a faraway daydream, and decent humanity in general is way impossible.

Those are the really bad moments, and I am finding auto-prayers coming through a broken faith that please God, not that bad again, please. In the decent moments, I am sad. I do not feel I am unduly depressed, and feel it is normal to face losing every manifestation of your personality. I have not worked since November and the possibility of getting any job, much less in transcription again, is not going to happen. I am faced with being forced to drop out of school--I am barely now passing a couple classes because I have missed so much this semester. Everything I am is expressed in ways that I will lose if this condition progresses, and if I have to live in fear of the next flare. I feel like one of Pavlov's dogs, trembling and unconsciously crying at the first symptom of slight joint discomfort.

so I think it's a really shitty thing that it seems people are pissed at me for not constantly dwelling on the concepts of fluffy kittens who are farting rainbows, while unicorns traipse around dewy meadows, secure in the multicolor shadows of those rainbow farts. When I go to the doctor and beg for help to walk again, and they tell me that I will have to "make different life choices," I feel it is within my rights and a reasonable human reaction to say, "but isn't there anything else we can try? Why are you so sure it's this or that when you haven't run any tests?"

Of course now that I've kicked and soiled the towers of their God complexes, they're pissed at me. At my last visit, I left feeling as though I had been abused and assaulted. He told me I was "choosing to suffer" over acceptance and went on to tell me of the little old ladies who still smile when they visit the doctor, even with arthritis.

My aunt happened to call one day when I was having a paritcularly bad day--I'd fallen the night before in the living room and took 2 hours to crawl back to the sofa. she suggested Paxil and acted offended when I told her that I didn't need to smile like an idiot, but simply mourn my life.

I also realize this is a shitty thing to complain about, but I keep losing weight. I had been at a comfortable 150 in January--I'm 5'8" and carry weight well. Of course I'd had gastric bypass, and so lose weight easily, but still was stabilized there. Yet I'm now 130. I went from a size 11 to a size 6 in less than one semester--had to actually buy an emergency pair of pants when I almost lost mine standing in the gas station. I had gotten to the point that I was afraid I was seriously dying back in February--I deliriously begged my husband to stay awake in case I stopped breathing and to please make sure that he watched me, because the physicians refused to run any tests. :(

So boo and hiss all you want--I probably deserve some because I DO see that I am blessed in a million ways. It's not that I ever forget them, but I'm feeling lately that it's not okay to be sad or mad, even when there is a reason to be and it's a healthy sad/mad. I'll be okay and am not suicidal. just pissed. Pissed and scared. that's not wrong. I won't say it's wrong and will continue to refuse anyone else saying it's wrong, or denying me that right. I can even give in that it's annoying to hear complaints of ill health when it sounds like it's "just" arthritis. But honestly, I am scared, because it sure as hell doesn't seem or feel right. :(

My mantra lately is, "I'm only 30," like that will somehow chase it away. But when I can't walk, and somehow even worse, when I can hobble/lurch/walk, but so badly and so obviously painfully that the fucking walmart greeter man tries to insist I take a wheelchair, I just keep saying, "I'm only 30," like that does anything at all.

Hands are killing me, really going away now. thank you, cyber-demon-friends and acquaintances for indulging my wussiness. :hello:
Lisha ]]> ScribbleMuse http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1181-This-is-where-it-all-hangs-out http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1027-I-m-sad Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:40:17 GMT I have this rare Christmas spirit and am too broke to do anything with it. My jeep is broken down because of a minor (thank God, CHEAP) problem with... I have this rare Christmas spirit and am too broke to do anything with it. My jeep is broken down because of a minor (thank God, CHEAP) problem with the battery or some such crap. My daughter is in another state, doing her usual thing with Granny, Papaw, Aunt & Uncle.

I know things are technically fine and this is just the storm before the calm, but right now I just feel sad. It's been a rough time, as much as I was pissed at getting fired it didn't help the fact that I was fired, and it didn't stop my feelings being absurdly hurt. Being unemployed has sucked ass. I've put out resumes in more than 50 places, but the holidays have slowed my profession in terms of hiring.

Again, I'm not bitching too much because I realize that I'm blessed in a million ways, first being that I'll be getting unemployment even if it won't start until next month. I swallowed my guilt because frankly, what happened to me was not fair, and I've been paying unemployment taxes all my life, so screw the guilt. I can accept it for a month or two until I get back on my feet. Also, the loans for school came through and toward the end of January I'll be getting a great boost from those.

So I know life is only suck right NOW. But I'm still sad today. :dong: I'm tired of trying to stay positive, and to be honest I just want to cry and wail and bitch and whine and do every other messy and absurd thing I can think of. Sorry to unload here but I am trying to hide these sorts of things from my friends and family and yet need to get them out--I feel better already. ]]> ScribbleMuse http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1027-I-m-sad http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1018-Judge-Not-Lest-Ye-Be-Clubbed-With-Stupidity-and-Misunderstanding Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:31:27 GMT Judge not lest ye be judged. Turn the other cheek. Take the beam from your own eye. Yada, yada, yada. When the subject of judgment comes... Judge not lest ye be judged.
Turn the other cheek.
Take the beam from your own eye.
Yada, yada, yada.

When the subject of judgment comes up, it pisses me off when I see it misused again and again, either by others saying that they're Christians or by anyone just simply feeling self-righteous or judged. See, a lot of people think that Christians are told not to judge others, but it's not true. We are to judge, and we are to make decisions with those judgments in mind.

This leads into other areas too--let's use drinking as a common example. Some Christians claim drinking in any amount is a "sin" and anti-Christians sometimes believe that we all feel that way. The truth is that no where does the Bible mention drinking is a sin, but that "drunkeness" and the true sins committed in drunkeness are the sin. So if you're occasionally going out and getting fuck-faced (btw, cussing falls into this area too), there's no one in Heaven making little red marks by your name or loading up the smite-cannon.

But if you're an alcoholic, or are using the drinking to otherwise engage and enable bad behavior or known/acknowledged "stumbling blocks" then a Christian would say it's a sin, and EVERYONE should say that it's a problem/wrong--Christians just label it "sin."

In terms of judgment, there's another well-known and oft misunderstood part of the Bible that IMO is common sense for any person, regardless of belief, and that's "if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out." Now, this is not hard to understand, but it's used as a weapon against Christians as an example of how zealous and insane we are, and again, it's misused by the Christians who are giving us all a bad name. It's not that we advocate all "bad" things to be destroyed. It's that we all have different stumbling blocks, and if you recognize that you have one, then stay the hell away from it.

To use the above example, let's say you're an alcoholic. If you were, it would be really stupid to go sit and hang out in a bar. If you're not an alcoholic, there's no temptation, no stumbling block, so to sit in a bar is not a sin and doesn't have any need to be "plucked out" of your life.

So yes, I will judge, and please don't throw any Bible verses at me about turning another cheek, judging not lest I be judged, etc, unless you understand the meaning and I am indeed wrong in my judgment. I am allowed to judge and I am in fact encouraged to judge as a Christian in order to keep my feet straight upon my own path.

There are other common cliches in this category. Walking in another person's shoes is not something I have to do in order to figure out whether someone else is stupid, lame, mean, bad, or any other opinion I form of them. I can make that determination based on the code of personal ethics that I hold for myself and for others to gain my respect.

I use the term "Christian" a lot but it's not about a religious label either. One thing that appeals to me about my religion is that it's based seemingly on common sense (when done right), and that every "rule" is made seemingly based on a common ground of human feeling and emotion and just simple rights and wrongs. Knowing very many great atheists, I have learned that my standards are not always ONLY Christian, though it's part of my religion, but just common sense and decency. I just get sick of my religion being used as a club either by other Christians or by those who misunderstand my religion and hope that my own example can quietly counteract the myths and mistakes made by all sides.

The subject of judgment is often open to interpretation based on circumstance, situation, and a million other things, but above all, don't try to use my own religion as a grounds to tell me that my judgment has no right to exist. As a human on this earth, forced to live with other humans, I must use judgment in order to survive, and IMO, lack of judgment and proper intelligence is normally the cause of all crime. ]]> ScribbleMuse http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1018-Judge-Not-Lest-Ye-Be-Clubbed-With-Stupidity-and-Misunderstanding http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1017-Over-reaction-or-Justified-Opinion Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:58:52 GMT My daughter is 11 and due to the small size of our community and schools, she attends a high school that is more technically termed a literal junior... My daughter is 11 and due to the small size of our community and schools, she attends a high school that is more technically termed a literal junior high, with 6th through 12th grades. This is the first year that they've had 6th graders there--they did have K-6th at the elementary with 7-12 at the high school.

To explain a little more why I'm "allowing" this rather than doing whatever I can to keep her away from 18-year-old kids, when I talk about how small our community is, I really mean it's small. We have population signs posted at the village limits (and yes, it's actually termed a VILLAGE), and ours has 746 total population. Our schools, both elementary and high school, serve ONLY this community. So out of 746 total population, give or take a few who moved or were born out of census years, our schools only house the kids of those population. Our graduating classes have less than 50 members.

So you can hopefully see why I actually love our community.

So anyway, this year there are tons of drama in the girls of Rylie's class. So much so that it's driving me absolutely nut-fuck bonkers in trying to teach my own little drama queen how to deal maturely with not-so-mature classmates. It gets pretty rough because I apparently have problems talking tweenie talk in ways that translate to their little tweenie ears. I love my daughter more than anything, and sometimes the differences between us fascinate me, but other times they drive me up the wall in a crying, jangling mess.

In the meantime, during these trials and tribulations, I encourage her to talk with her guidance counselor who is apparently filling a much bigger role nowadays than my old GCs did. They're really "interactive" and constantly meeting with the kids to discuss how things are going socially, academically, and blah blah blah. Mine only met with us once in our school careers, and that was to fulfill what I think was a requirement to check what we were going to do with the rest of our lives.

I was happy about this new breed of GC at first, and still am in most ways. But lately I've been wondering how great the GC really is because of concerns of confidentiality. Now, when I encourage Rylie to talk to her GC, I encourage her to trust the person, to even perhaps talk about stuff she wouldn't feel comfortable talking with me about. Even though I emphasize that I am ALWAYS available, and even though I am as neutral as possible (i.e. I'm not going to give her full clemency if she confesses something really bad, but will take that confession into consideration). I just mostly want Rylie to have a set of adults that she can always depend on, to hopefully cover all those dangerous areas. And I'm not as unselfish as it sounds--I want her to trust adults that I have "power" over, as in being able to go to that adult and ask what my daughter is saying, and get the answers.

But in the last couple weeks, this GC has been meeting with Rylie and the others like normal, and talking over the politics, rumors, and problems like usual. My problem is that she has mentioned to Rylie that she's had "lots" of "phone calls" and "complaints" about particular girls and classmates. I do not think this is right, or fair, and I do NOT want Rylie to talk to this person now, because I don't trust her. I'm considering even talking to the school about her, which is mortifying Rylie of course, and my gentle-mannered husband is disgusted with my confrontational ways, but I'm not sure it's good to let this go without mentioning what is going on.

So what do you think? Are there any confidentiality laws regarding school counselors and the kids? I know that there are medical laws in place to protect information to the point of lunacy. I just think that by telling one student that another is getting complaints by others is not a good thing. I would not want to know that she is telling others that Rylie is getting a lot of complaints if the situation were reversed. I'm also semi-acquainted with the parents of the other girls that she has talked about to Rylie, and I feel a little guilty in not telling them what has been said. I also do not want to cause more problems, though, by trying to STOP rumors and bad feelings from heresay.

Argh. I always wanted a girl when I was pregnant, and for the first time am thinking that a boy would be so much easier. This year has been a nightmare of puberty and cat fights. ]]> ScribbleMuse http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1017-Over-reaction-or-Justified-Opinion http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1011-Well-hell Thu, 10 Dec 2009 23:42:10 GMT I was just fired.

I'm not sure if it hasn't sunk in yet, or if I sincerely don't care. I'm almost optimistic and more annoyed at having to pack up the computer for shipping than at losing the job, except for the basic principle of the issue.

See, I fully admit that I fucked up. I figured out that I despise my job--hate it, hate it, hate it. I was dx'd with ADHD a few months ago and so many things were explained with that. This job had started about the same time and I was really struggling since I'd stepped out of a management position into transcription again, which is basically mindless and boring work without any kind of alteration of pattern. One thing, day in and day out, which is NOT good for me.

So I finally accepted the ADHD diagnosis and got on a great med regimen that did not change me at all, only focused me and made things easier to focus on. Except that was when I realized not only am I bored at my job, I fucking hate it with every fiber of my soul, heart, and body.

Anyway, after some adjustment of life, getting enrolled in school again to do what I really want to do, and all that jazz, I had finally learned how to handle the job and didn't hate it so badly since I knew I wasn't going to be doing it for much longer--just a few more years and then I'd be SOMETHING scientific (dunno what yet but something in biology and maybe chemistry). That's when they told me to up my production.

I've typed out a million complaints that I have and all the reasons why firing me was not fair, but it's done. So therefore I guess I should forget about the temper tantrum and feeling all wounded, and focus on the next job, which at least will be easy to find.

STILL. It sucks. At least I'm lucky enough to have a semi-rare skill and am also still going to school. Times are tough financially but I do know they could be worse--hell, I've been a ton worse before personally. So therefore, nothing to whine too much about. I much prefer bitching to whining.

I should get drunk and go start a fight with someone.

I didn't intend to make my first blog post here as a depressing one, but I also am not that depressed, so that voids any whining and makes it a complaint, right? :p ]]> ScribbleMuse http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/entry.php?1011-Well-hell