Ernest Borgnine found the fountain of youth! [Archive]

Pete Bondurant

August 17th, 2008, 08:01 PM

ERNEST BORGNINE LIVES!

Hollywood — Veteran actor Ernest Borgnine held a news conference today to demand that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences remove his name from the obituary reel for the upcoming Oscars telecast. “I am alive. Period,” said a furious Borgnine. But Academy president Sid Ganis said, “We have strong reason to believe that Ernest Borgnine is actually dead. Isn’t he?”

Borgnine won an Academy Award after starring in the film version of the television play “Marty” in 1955. A friend, who is working on telecast, tipped off Borgnine that his image and name would be appearing on the Oscar’s customary obituary reel.

“I have called the Academy, but they refuse to take me seriously,” said Borgnine. “They keep saying, ‘Who is this? Come on, this isn’t Ernest Borgnine. He’s dead.’”

“The obituary reel has been completed, and if the rumors prove to be true that Borgnine is alive, which we don’t think he is, there’s nothing we can do to change the reel at this point, so close to the telecast,” explained Ganis.

“Damn it, I was in ‘McHale’s Navy,’ and I demand some respect,” said Borgnine.

Close friends of Borgnine say this incident with Academy producers has taken a toll on him.

“After this frustrating ordeal, Ernest says he’s no longer sure that he is not dead,” said a close friend. “It has really confused him. Also, I think it was a bad idea to have him over to my house the other night to watch ‘The Sixth Sense.’”

Dateline Hollywood contacted several other celebrities for their reaction on the Borgnine controversy.

“He’s dead, isn’t he?” said a confused Mickey Rooney who has been rumored to have died years ago.

Dateline Hollywood’s attempts to contact actor Don Knotts, the comic actor best known as “Barney Fife” on “The Andy Griffith Show,” were unsuccessful. Repeated calls to Shelley Winters, Dennis Weaver, comedian Red Buttons and producer Aaron Spelling were not returned.