CPL CHUD
April 29th, 2008, 01:55 AM
CONQUEST!
http://bp3.blogger.com/_dco3gIbqZ6U/RkoWF66wxHI/AAAAAAAAA6M/WW740c7lufU/s400/CONQUEST-.jpg
Conquest is a film that plays out like a fevered dream after watching 24 hours of swords and sandals epics. It's got all the gore and sleaze you'd expect from the maestro of mutilation, Lucio Fulci, who must of used up most of the world's dry ice on this production alone. Every scene is simply drenched in fog, not to mention brain bashing, bare boobies, zany monsters, and clumsy battle sequences.
The basic good vs. evil premise centers around a young stud named Illius* who, armed with a magical laser shooting bow, has to become a real man by ridding a distant land of evil. He meets up with a card carrying PETA member, the barbarian loner Mace, who ends up spending most of the flick saving Illius's ass from a horde of foot soldiers dispatched by the ruthless Okran. In other words Illius is a real pansy, he wears some medieval belly shirt, a faggy looking cod piece, and is totally ineffectual at being the hero type. Mace, on the other hand, fares pretty well against the forces of evil. I mean, the guy's main weapon is a pair of bone nunchucks; that just screams bad ass.
Okran, the evil witch responsible for the main woes of the land, which include tax increases, global warming, and the rising cost of fuel, goes bare chested most of the film, bouncing around her itty bitty titties in front of beastmen who do loads of snuff, eating her victim's brains, and rubbing snakes all over her puffy nips. She definitely doesn't want her gig spoiled by a wannabe hero type, but as it turns out her crew seem to only be good at ripping apart hapless cave people who don't give them enough chickens as tribute, so it's time for Okran to ask a few favors from the evil deity Zora, who rains down a real shit parade on our protagonist duo. Mace has got to deal with everything from swamp zombies and dopplegangers to shaggy haired animal/human hybrids and Illius's bleeding vagina. It's no walk in the park.
Fulci obviously tried to inject some symbolism here and there about the sun, and manhood, and courage, and wolves returning to the forest, but screw that nonsense. The real show is the cheesy dialogue, the crazy arterial sprays, mud slathered vixens, and totally obscene acts of violence. This flick would go down perfect on a rainy Saturday night, parked in front of the tube, with a pizza slice in one hand and a Conan the Barbarian comic book in the other. I got so pumped on this movie that I want to make my own Conquest action figures, complete with fake blood packets and bone nunchuck accessories.
*I apologize if the names aren't spelled 100% correct. What DVD doesn't have subtitles in this day and age!?*
http://bp3.blogger.com/_dco3gIbqZ6U/RkoWF66wxHI/AAAAAAAAA6M/WW740c7lufU/s400/CONQUEST-.jpg
Conquest is a film that plays out like a fevered dream after watching 24 hours of swords and sandals epics. It's got all the gore and sleaze you'd expect from the maestro of mutilation, Lucio Fulci, who must of used up most of the world's dry ice on this production alone. Every scene is simply drenched in fog, not to mention brain bashing, bare boobies, zany monsters, and clumsy battle sequences.
The basic good vs. evil premise centers around a young stud named Illius* who, armed with a magical laser shooting bow, has to become a real man by ridding a distant land of evil. He meets up with a card carrying PETA member, the barbarian loner Mace, who ends up spending most of the flick saving Illius's ass from a horde of foot soldiers dispatched by the ruthless Okran. In other words Illius is a real pansy, he wears some medieval belly shirt, a faggy looking cod piece, and is totally ineffectual at being the hero type. Mace, on the other hand, fares pretty well against the forces of evil. I mean, the guy's main weapon is a pair of bone nunchucks; that just screams bad ass.
Okran, the evil witch responsible for the main woes of the land, which include tax increases, global warming, and the rising cost of fuel, goes bare chested most of the film, bouncing around her itty bitty titties in front of beastmen who do loads of snuff, eating her victim's brains, and rubbing snakes all over her puffy nips. She definitely doesn't want her gig spoiled by a wannabe hero type, but as it turns out her crew seem to only be good at ripping apart hapless cave people who don't give them enough chickens as tribute, so it's time for Okran to ask a few favors from the evil deity Zora, who rains down a real shit parade on our protagonist duo. Mace has got to deal with everything from swamp zombies and dopplegangers to shaggy haired animal/human hybrids and Illius's bleeding vagina. It's no walk in the park.
Fulci obviously tried to inject some symbolism here and there about the sun, and manhood, and courage, and wolves returning to the forest, but screw that nonsense. The real show is the cheesy dialogue, the crazy arterial sprays, mud slathered vixens, and totally obscene acts of violence. This flick would go down perfect on a rainy Saturday night, parked in front of the tube, with a pizza slice in one hand and a Conan the Barbarian comic book in the other. I got so pumped on this movie that I want to make my own Conquest action figures, complete with fake blood packets and bone nunchuck accessories.
*I apologize if the names aren't spelled 100% correct. What DVD doesn't have subtitles in this day and age!?*