Surreal conversations

[ZombieBabe]

Come next November, I will have been married for 10 years. This is surprising to me. That's almost a third of my life. You'd think he'd know me by now.

So, we're having a conversation about my (internet) porn habit. This is not something that I hide, because it is nearly impossible to do so. If my panties are on the floor in front of the computer table in the morning, chances are....

But see, most (but not all) of my internet porn surfing happens when I've been drinking, hence the panties haphazardly thrown on the floor - I usually just stagger off to bed nude from the waist down. Earlier, hubby coyly tells me that he found my britches on the floor this morning, and I start lamenting the lack of male-on-female pussy-eating porn. There just isn't enough of it - it's almost all girl-on-girl, which, while it does the trick, I am quite firmly hetero, so it's not great.

My husband then tells me that what I need to do is find some porn that is directed by women, because they typically have more of a plot. "PLOT?!" I say! "I don't need a fucking plot. I'm watching porn for one reason only, and it won't take me more than 5 minutes to achieve my goal, so a plot is immaterial. I won't watch it long enough to give two shits about a fucking plot."

Seriously. How does he not know this? I'm appalled.

What's the weirdest, most ill-conceived conversation you've ever had? One that left your mouth agape in sheer shock?

[ZombieBabe]

Thoughts? Does this idea suck? Am I getting TMI with the story?

[Morbid]

Sorry, I didn't get past

If my panties are on the floor in front of the computer table in the morning, chances are....

I'll read the rest now.

[Morbid]

Most of my ill-conceived, mouth agape in shock type conversations are usually limited to people in denial.

Even if I do not agree with viewpoints regarding social, political and even some religous subjects, I can often see where the other person is coming from (even if they are wrong.)

But outright denial floors me. In particular, a co-worker's dentist was the one who got busted squirting sperm from a syringe into his sleeping patients mouths. He even had vials of the stuff in his mini-fridge in the office. Of course, we mad a lot of jokes in regards to what may have happened to him on his particular dentist visits, but he stood by this guy 'til the end, even explaining why the sperm was in the fridge...which was that the dentists hair was falling out and the treatment he used needed his sperm.

I guess my last real shocker was about religion, and the fact that a person I was arguing with was CONVINCED that the devil has placed everything that points towards the Bible not being infallible. How do you argue with that? Answer: You don't.

[ZombieBabe]

Taking it live. Have at it, peeps.

[Rotten Apple]

and I start lamenting the lack of male-on-female pussy-eating porn. There just isn't enough of it -


Amen sista!

And thats all I have to say about that.:angel:

[Athena]

Okay, so, Mike, Karl and I are sitting at the bar this last Friday evening. Karl turns to me and begins telling me how they plan to breed Elke (my 120lb Rott/G. Shepherd mix) with one of the goats in the pasture next door to their house. The goal is a goat with cool colors and a mouth full of scary teeth. Excited by this prospect, I begin telling them about a goat Paul (my most recent ex) and I ran into at the zoo a month or so ago. It looked like a normal goat, but had this crazy deep voice. Paul had to stablise me up momentarily because I was laughing so uncontrolably about the unnaturally low voice on this goat. So then, I exclaim loudly enough for the rest of the bar to hear, apparently...

"We should get a three-way going with the goat from the zoo!"

I caught some attention for that one.

The conversation was definitely rather odd.

[Tolo]

One of the most awkward/strange conversations I have ever had was with my dad recently.

My dad is 53 and this past year, he got a steady girlfriend for the first time in a while. When I go home on weekends, I live at my grandmother's house where he lives also. Anyways, I've caught them drunk and having sex on more than one occasion.

One day I came home late and was a little buzzed and got the courage to finally give my dad the "talk." I told him he better be having safe sex because he doesn't know where that woman has been and he already has 3 kids from two different women, he doesn't need another one. I told him that if he was going to have sex with her to do it somewhere else or at least have some decency to do it when no one is home to walk in on it. I felt like the adult in the situation. It has pretty much always been that way, but never to that degree. We have yet to even mention the conversation and I really hope it never comes up again.

[Hippiepoet]

First of all ZB, goddamn do you make me laugh my ass off. All it takes is 5min, right on, sister. Thank goodness for the fingers, though I do have a man, who so enjoys going down. (too much info, I know:o )

Surreal conversation: This one was with my daughter, she was 10 at the time. Now, granted we take our kids to a lot of music festivals, and sometimes sisters go topless and we see a few nip rings every now and again. I try to teach my kids, the human body is beautiful, some folks are okay with showing it, and that's cool in the appropriate places and in a respectable manner... also she's noticed them under tight T-shirts.So anywho my daughter comes straight out with this one day..."Mom, when can I get a nipple ring and is it painful?" Whoah. That was a shocker. I do not have my nips pierced so I tell her. Joesie, I have no idea if it's painful, but I would suspect so and you'll pierce no nipples until you are an adult. Damn, I sounded so "parenty". :eek:

[dop]

A few months back I was having a rather surrealist conversation with one of two friends that with a copule of other douchebags were planing a heist on a restaurant they work at, they had this very detailed yet quite stupid plan that ivolved alarm dismantling to break in at nigth and taking in a heavy soldering thinggy(im to lazzy to look for the english word) because beyond the weeks earnings there was suposed to be a lot of valuables there including and they werent joking about it gold bricks(damn retards thinking there were gold bricks).

I wasnt in a joking maner, the dumbfucks really tougth they had this flawless plan to some magical gold bricks and were really going for it, it only got stoped when the manager who was gona provide half the acces to it chickened out.

I realised then and there I hang out with a lot of real dumb fuckers.

[bexter]

some friends and I were discussing the strangest place we ever had sex and I told them that mine was in a funeral home and they were so freaked out asking if there was a dead body there at the time (There was) and if it was in the same room with the dead body (no) and all sorts of crap. It was so funny because they were so grossed out about it. Hell, its a building, with a very comfy couch, so what should it matter if there are dead people in residence??

[ZombieBabe]

Though I am sober right now, I don't remember going to bed last night, or, apparently, the hour or so before I staggered off to bed. This conversation happened this morning as I am lamenting my pounding head and the large, angry bruise/cut on the top of my right foot:

Hubby: "You got banged on the couch last night."
Me: "Oh so THAT'S what happened to my foot!"
Hubby: "Huh? Uh, no. I bent you over the couch and plowed you like a corn field."
Me: "Oh."

Shame I missed it.

[Mr_Vindictive]

Though I am sober right now, I don't remember going to bed last night, or, apparently, the hour or so before I staggered off to bed. This conversation happened this morning as I am lamenting my pounding head and the large, angry bruise/cut on the top of my right foot:

Hubby: "You got banged on the couch last night."
Me: "Oh so THAT'S what happened to my foot!"
Hubby: "Huh? Uh, no. I bent you over the couch and plowed you like a corn field."
Me: "Oh."

Shame I missed it.


ROTFLMFAO!

[alizardsbet]

bored at work, and it gets me in trouble. well not exactly... it seems my coworkers were pretty darn entertained by my antics on the phone for maybe fifteen minutes.

have any of you ever and continue to get phone calls from an Rx Pharmacy, or some other pharmacy trying to sell you drugs? well we do... and all they ever want to do is talk to Daryl. never want to talk to me, and i (especially after this conversation) am probably in dire need of them. i dont know what possessed me to go on such a ramble, i think it was that they called in quick succession and it bumped me out of my reverie.

now i have asked (nicely and not so nicely) to be taken off their calling list. i have threatened, siting rules and regulations of this great nations etiquette for soliciting. i have been mean and nasty, and sarcastic. i have grown bored of that and simply hang up on them as soon as i know who and what they are. honestly had to cut the sarcasm out of these little chats due to the fact that i got a very prestigious client mixed up with these assholes and proceeded accordingly with my inane dribble. i was able to get out of that little snafu but i was sweating bullets when i realized who it was. well i hung up, and the little bastards called me back.

so i tried to be really nice about it. i mean sickly sweet, not my normal preference. i was concerned, attentive and asked questions. they have all kinds of drugs. i came close... but sadly i can not afford any of even there generic brands, so politely declined and asked to be taken off their list. this gentlemen proceeds to tell me i have to answer a survey, and then wants to send me one package to be able to generate a personal identification number so that he can then take me off all their mailing lists forever. well of course that little grain of hope torn from me before i could even properly savor it just put me in a foul mood. i asked for his manager... lot of good it did me, the sweetness at this time is beginning to slip.

i go on at some length talking about how hot his manager is. i know i must be on speaker. i can hear noises and people talking. i incorporate this into my dialogue. i describe in some varying detail what kind of sexual acts the two of them must be engaging in and if i could watch... or in this package they so desperately want to mail me they could include a tape of the beeping machine they are anally raping.

at this point the manager comes on. i ask to be taken off their call list, quite soberly in fact. he proceeds with his moderately deeper voice to ramble off the same little stanza. i inform him none of here are on drugs. none of us here want yer stinking drugs, and while your speech is just gosh darn pretty i got a thick head and it aint workin sonny so kindly take me off your list, or if your butt head self is still sore from sucking off your pea on to let me talk to 'your' manager or tech guy, if you cant figure this one out. as i am sure he can help me, or i can help him get me off this list. well that was quite colorful, and i get an applaud on the other end from this little office (i really think people like me, make those sad fucks day... its a living) they're going to pass me off around the office, like i am some sort of cheap whore... so i yammer back till i get this guy back on the phone, or someone i think is relatively sounding like the gent i was talkin to, and we cross swords a couple more times. he concedes he didnt know who he transferred me to, whether it was a high end manager or tech guy, or that he likely didnt transfer me. dick for brains man....

then proceeds to ask me if my family has need of drugs... delighted i tell them they are all dead. every last one of them, gone to the wind, i am all alone. well of course he asks me how this happened. and i tell him, i killed them. he asks how. remembering a dream i tell him my dream. a very vivid dream of dispatching family members by beating them senseless tying them to a tree and setting them on fire and dancing around till the cops came. i explained to him, i was very young at the time, prone to emotional instability, and an imbalance due to drug use, was proclaimed insane and released a few short years later. i grew up became a technical expert and was very sure i could triumph where they failed.

there was much ruckus about this.... on both ends of the phone.

i hear tell he said his manager was yelling at him, but there was more laughing involved than anything else. bored, for being put on hold yet again, not even decent hippie deli music to tap my foot to, so i hung up.

little do they know, that i actually have friends that trek and travel in those parts, so it wouldnt be impossible for me to take a quick jaunt over their and dispatch so honor killing justice... but that is another story entirely... and yes i meant those racial slurs in all possible insult to those specific individuals and not the group at large. thank you.

[ZombieBabe]

So, I dressed my 3 year old this morning - everything but socks and shoes. Black shorts (yes, it IS that warm) and olive green t-shirt. I turn to go put my shoes on and finish getting myself dressed first, and I see him carrying around a pair of navy blue shorts with white and bright green stripes. I think nothing of it and go about my business. Eventually, I put on his shoes and socks and out the door we go.

I drop him off at school, and as he's running away from me to go play, I nearly fall on the ground. Dude is wearing the olive green shirt with the navy blue, white and BRIGHT green stripes. "DUUUUUUUDE!" I exclaim! "Those are NOT the shorts I put you in earlier. Did *you* change your shorts?"

Peering at me through those lipid saucers that he calls eyes, he whipped out his cutest dimples and said "Nooo. Daddy did."

This kinda makes sense to me, since his dad is theoretically color-blind, or rather, he can't dress himself without looking like a clown. I can't imagine that his dad did that without bringing it to my attention though. There would have had to be a reason - maybe the shorts didn't fit or something, but he would have checked with me first.

After proclaiming to his teacher that I most certainly did NOT dress him that way on purpose and muttering to myself that he looked flat ridiculous, I called his dad when I got back in the car, and he confirmed that no, he never changed the kids shorts. Dad even caught a glimpse of the kid just before we left and thought that he looked kinda foolish, but assumed that since I dressed him, I knew what I was doing.

[ells9824]

We were all set to walk out the door for school last week and something caught my attention: Boy child was wearing one of the girl child's uniform shirts. In his defense, they are the same color and around the same size. The difference is hers has girlie collars...

"Why did you put that in my closet,mom",says the little boy who never noticed he was wearing a girls shirt. Uhhhh

[Becca]

This actually happened a couple of weeks ago but I forgot to post it..actually, a couple of weeks ago I wasn't the posting whore I have now become. But anyway. For background, my 8 yr old girl goes to after school care provided by her school so she stays on campus after school and hangs out with her same friends and teachers. A normal day has me walking in & searching for her, signing her out, and patiently (or not-so-patiently) tapping my foot waiting as she gathers her crap bcs it's a shock I'm there at the same time every day and then she performs the requisite hugs, goodbyes, 'You're my BFF', 'No you're my BFF', 'No you're my BFF', etc bullshit like we were moving away and she wasn't going to see these kids again 12 hours from now. On this particular day I walked in the door and she is ready to go, bags packed, runs right up to me, hugs my waist and says "You're so pretty Mommy. I love you soooo much. Did you have a good day?" A) Who are you and what have you done to my daugher. B) Oh shit. This is bad.

She is clinging to my waist still as I attempt to reach the sign out table, where the teacher is waiting for me, already telling another child sitting there to go play because she has to talk to Clinging Child's Mommy. Fuck. At this point I know it's going to be a Kronenbourg night. I have to physically remove Miss Clingy and tell her to go sit down so I can talk to Ms. Teacher. She hovers. Mommy: "Go!" Clingy: Hovers still. Mommy: Gives stink eye while gutterally growls "GO. Now." Clingy: Finally slinks away. Deep breath, look at Ms. Teacher. "Yes??"

She proceeds to tell me that Clingy got in trouble today (No shit Sherlock)..she was sitting at a table with 4 other girls, 3 of whom are her age & the other is younger, age 6. They were having animated discussion and generally a good time. Hmm. Okay, so where's the problem?? Well, they start discussing something and inappropriate language was used and since there was a younger child who overheard this language, that child's parents had to be notified where child heard these words in case child uses them. Whoopsies. Okay. So, Ms. Teacher, what were they talking about..what language was used?? "Oh, well, they were discussing piercings and started talking about male genitalia...:o...being pierced...:eek:." (Mommy clears throat). "Uhhh. Well...uhh..I don't know where she would have heard about or seen that. Really. Honestly. No one in our house has pierced genitalia. Truly." Oh shit, shut up Mommy, you're babbling. "Okay. I'll talk to her. Thank you."

Walk out and get in truck, having said not one word to Clingy. Feeble "Mommy?" Bzzzzt. A few miles down the road, "Can I just tell you..." BZZZZZZT. "I love you". Grrr...'I love you too'. "Okay, so can I explain..." BZZZZT. I eventually ask about her day, and she tells me. I tell her about my day. We get home and settle in to normal routine, walk dog, start dinner, check homework, etc. Not one word about piercings. She's getting all happy thinking Mommy really is stupid! She's completely forgotten about it! Life is great!! Finish dinner, clear table. I sit at table. She bounces in all smiley and is the recipient of the silent come-here-one-finger waggle. Smile immediately vanishes. The following conversation occurs:

Me: "Okay. Mommy is not mad. You are growing up and I understand you either do or will say things I don't think you should say, but it's going to happen. You are going to gossip and talk about things. I don't care. I just need to know what you said in case one of these parents calls me so I can be prepared to defend you, which I will. You got in trouble at school already so you will not get in trouble by me. You just have to tell me what was said."
Her: Waterworks. Sobs. Head shaking "NO!! I can't tell you!!"
Me: "Please. I will not be mad. Do I look mad? No. I will not get mad. I promise."
Her: "NOOOOO. I can't. It's embarrassing!!"
Me: "If you can't say it in front of me then you shouldn't be saying it. Understand?"
Her: "Yes."
Silence. She looks at me. I raise one eyebrow and make hand motion symbolizing 'yes...I'm waiting'. More tears. Hand holding..good Lord, she's gonna break my fingers! She better tell me soon!!
Me: "Start with the general conversation."
Her: "Well, we were talking about butts and X started talking about her front butt and how pretty it is, and..."
Me: "Wait. Front butt?? What is that?"
Her: Eyes rolling, "You know, your front butt. Your cootchie. It looks like your butt but it's on the front. Duh."
Me: Front butt. Hmm. Learn something new every day. "Proceed."
Her: "Well we were talking about front butts and Y said her cousin had her front butt pierced and I said yuk! And then Z said her cousin had his front butt pierced too and I said no way bcs that's nasty and boys can't pierce their front butt anyway. But I didn't say front butt..."
Me: "Okay, so what did you say?"
Her: More tears. "I can't!"
Me: "But eventually you will. I can sit here all night. Clingy, I love you. And it's not a front butt. On girls it's a vagina and on boys it's a penis. But whatever. What word did you say? I won't be mad."
Mommy braces for pecker, cock, dick, trouser snake, anything remotely offensive.
She is sobbing, takes a big gulping breath, and blurts out "Weiner!! I said weiner!!" and throws her arm over her face and plops her head down on the table and sobs anew.
Mommy covers her mouth as she tries to hold in the :rofl:.

And yes, I did confirm with the school the next day that the word said was weiner, and had a WTF conversation about that being deemed "inappropriate language".

Funny as hell to us just the same.

[ZombieBabe]

Awww, hell. My 4 year old says weiner. ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME! :mad:

The bigger question her ought to be how that little girl knew that her cousin had his front butt pierced. :oh: That's kinda weird...

[impqueen]

Oh, we had one of those at my son's school in first grade.

Phone rings, I answer, because I am cool like that.

"Ms. Imp, we need to talk about Impspawn The Sequel and what he did today."

"Okay."

"You need to understand that he did this in front of not just his class, but his teacher, his principal, and Congressman Republican and his assistants, along with members of the school board."

"Okay."

"We selected certain first graders to talk to the Congressman about their understanding of the legislative process and lawmaking."

"That was dumb, but okay."

"We chose Impspawn to participate."

"At your peril, but okay." (I am wondering why they didn't learn from Impspawn I, who charged admission to the playground and told her first grade class about Fallopian tubes.)

"The children were each asked a question. The question was, 'If you could make a law, what would it be?'"

"Again, not your finest moment as educators. What happened?" (By this time I am hitting the "NO thank you for this UN-useful information" button in my head.)

"The other children talked about health care and world peace."

"Of course they did. This district is riddled with former pageant girls who are now soccer moms."

"Impspawn stood up and said that if he could make a law, it would be that everyone could say SHIT and not get a spanking."

"Sounds like a great law to me. What's the problem?"

Heh.

[Becca]

Awww, hell. My 4 year old says weiner. ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME! :mad:

The bigger question her ought to be how that little girl knew that her cousin had his front butt pierced. :oh: That's kinda weird...

Yeah, I thought about that later myself!

And as a cute follow-up, when we were discussing the correct terms for penis and some of the slang, I threw 'dick' out there as one of those not to use around the younger kids. Last week they're learning about different government officials for President's Day and she is telling me who is who and mentions "Richard Cheney". I had a dumb moment and went "Who?" Thought about it for a second and went "Oh, you mean Dick!" She gave me a stern look and proceeded to tell me he may not be nice but I shouldn't call him names like that. :o

[Becca]

"Impspawn stood up and said that if he could make a law, it would be that everyone could say SHIT and not get a spanking."


Smart kid. I like him.

[ZombieBabe]

I thought of a couple of conversations I've recently had with the little guy lately.

Let me preface this by saying that both of my kids are really weird. Both of their birthdays were last week (Tuesday and Thursday respectively) and we gave them both a choice of where to go on their birthdays (it should be MY choice since I did all the work to put them on this earth, but I digress). I'm expecting Chuck-E-Cheese or Celebration Station or Pizza Hut or something. My older kid picked Cody's Steakhouse. My precious 4 year old picks Red fucking Lobster! He doesn't even LIKE lobster! All he wants is the little dish of applesauce that they give kids when parents get their salads and he wants to watch the lobsters in the tanks.

Anyway, I took him to the bathroom at Red Lobster last week. He had to poop, so he's sitting on the potty and staring up at me (he made me go in the stall with him - unfortunately the fumes emanating from his little butt could peel paint) and he says "Mommy, don't fwush me down the toiwet. I don't know how-a swim!"

One day at home, he caught me right after I pulled up my britches from crapping. This was during that time of the month, so you know what that means - red water. He looks in the toilet and then looks up at me totally astonished and says "MAMA! WHY'S YOUR POOP RED?"

[Becca]

unfortunately the fumes emanating from his little butt could peel paint) and he says "Mommy, don't fwush me down the toiwet. I don't know how-a swim!"

One day at home, he caught me right after I pulled up my britches from crapping. This was during that time of the month, so you know what that means - red water. He looks in the toilet and then looks up at me totally astonished and says "MAMA! WHY'S YOUR POOP RED?"

That is too funny!! Their teeny asses can stink to high heaven, can't they?

I love the period story! Drama Queen pulled a similar one on me before (and why do they only want to talk to you when you're on the john??). She was sitting on the side of the tub, just chatting away, I stand up, she screams, runs out of the bathroom, screaming for Daddy to come quick because I hurt myself and was bleeding to death.

The next day she explains to her teacher that we're late because Mommy had to take a poop right before we left.

At least she forgot to mention I had also been bleeding to death.

[ZombieBabe]

That is too funny!! Their teeny asses can stink to high heaven, can't they?Oh LORD! Don't get me started. Their dad is the worst, but they are bringing up the rear. Pun intended.

We drove up to my parent's second home for Christmas and we left after work/school on a Friday. It was beans & weenies day at the little dude's preschool. We only made it to Gainesville before I couldn't take it anymore. Worst 4 hours of my life. I was making deals with God if he would make it stop, and I'm firmly agnostic.

At least she forgot to mention I had also been bleeding to death.Thank god for small favors. :lol:

[Becca]

Thank god for small favors. :lol:


No doubt! I was mortified as it was!

[What Would Satan Do]

Yeah, I thought about that later myself!

And as a cute follow-up, when we were discussing the correct terms for penis and some of the slang, I threw 'dick' out there as one of those not to use around the younger kids. Last week they're learning about different government officials for President's Day and she is telling me who is who and mentions "Richard Cheney". I had a dumb moment and went "Who?" Thought about it for a second and went "Oh, you mean Dick!" She gave me a stern look and proceeded to tell me he may not be nice but I shouldn't call him names like that. :o

LMFAO!!!!