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J
I've received this one several times. I laugh out loud every time I read it.

Dog and Cat Diary's

The Dog's Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

4:00 pm - Licked my nuts! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order
to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I
decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had
hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released,
and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe.

For now...*
:D

Hey that was Perfect THANK YOU
 
I
Games to play when you're old:

1. Sag, you're it.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.



SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.



OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.



Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?


If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.


Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"


Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Us

I push wrong button
Your perfect and very funny Thanks
 
Y'all will all be the judges of my asshattery!
When eldest daughter was in high school she begged me to take her and her friends to the Mall. I hate the mall. They were being loud and acting like idiots. I told them, after 3 hours of teenager whining that it was time to go. They whined some more.

I was wearing a jacket. I grabbed to hem of the jacket and threw it over my face and loudly proclaimed..."QUICK! To the BATMOBILE! We must uphold justice! They all yelled MAMA LINDA! STOP! STOP! OHMYGAWD! The shrieking and hiding of faces was very funny.

I was also speed walking and still had the jacket over my face. They tried to pretend they didn't know me, and daughter swore she'd NEVAH speak to me again....good!
People were cracking up and cheering me...

I didn't make the front page of of our newspaper, but I was mentioned in her school newspaper. She swore she'd never be able to show her face at school. Good!

It was one of my finest hours. I cherish that moment!
 
Yes, it is very annoying to be asked to smile when you don't feel like it. Especially by a cartoon character. They don't do that to boys.
[doublepost=1502554886,1502480820][/doublepost]



This is the grieving girlfriend at the funeral of her boyfriend, a Traveller/Gypsy/Pikey who was killed with a shovel at a gas station in England. (Inter-clan feuding.) Gypsies love excessive funerals
42EF68DB00000578-4757928-image-a-80_1501773454627.jpg


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4757928/Relatives-wail-funeral-20-year-old-traveller.html
 
Yeah I wasn't randomly bashing a chick who's into cowboys, I thought it was a good comeback from pussy gym guy lol.

Anyway, here's one less devisive

qtKCJ2k.gif
 
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Baby-scared-by-mud-face-mask.gif

[doublepost=1518540415,1518130917][/doublepost]Keep in mind I can't visit the 'crimes against animals' forum because it bums me out too much...but this made me lol

h9tbwcH.jpg
 

Seagulls do that, laxatives or not.

I was at Newquay, in Cornwall, for a week and made the signal mistake of tossing chips (or steak fries, for this side of the Atlantic) to the seagulls. When I ran out, the last one flew over my head and shit all over me.

Goddamn thing.

--Al
 
Seagulls do that, laxatives or not.

I was at Newquay, in Cornwall, for a week and made the signal mistake of tossing chips (or steak fries, for this side of the Atlantic) to the seagulls. When I ran out, the last one flew over my head and shit all over me.

Goddamn thing.

--Al
Almost as bad as pigeon. I'm looking forward to going to Europe in November and feeding those creepy birds. The worst infestations I've ever seen were in London and Venice.
 
I was at Newquay, in Cornwall, for a week and made the signal mistake of tossing chips (or steak fries, for this side of the Atlantic) to the seagulls. When I ran out, the last one flew over my head and shit all over me.

In Italy, it is considered good luck if a bird shits on you.
 
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