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Stories, Jokes, Things that make us laugh out loud!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'


'Cleanup on aisle 25, husband down.'
 
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottsman?

The Stones sang Hey You! Get off of my cloud.

A Scottsman yells "Hey Mcloud get off of my Ewe!"
 
How to start a fight



One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
 
Another late night for me. Nothing better to do than look up cute kids and thier school papers, then that lead to funny high school and collage exams and essays.


Those were some real gems! The one I'm about to post has made it's rounds and isn't new so you all might have seen it before but for me it's new and I thought it was genuine.


I resized it so it might be large but it's the only way to see the words (for me anyway)
It's a serious film review for Art-1100 class in 2007 on the super gross video called: 2Girls1Cup

1zyrsk.jpg
 
Here's some sayings:

...like corn through a drunken indian.

... more happy than a faggot with two asses.
 
I'm resurrecting this vintage thread.

I got this in an email and I could not stop laughing. It struck me as so funny because around Feb/March I start getting antsy to get my garden in. We usually have snow storms april/may.

 
A few years ago we went to a local restaurant for the first time. I ordered a glass of red wine, and the young waitress told me "we don't have red wine, but we have purple".

I said that would be fine.
 
I bought my stepmom the exact same mothers day card she bought her mom... Wait, it gets funnier, Her brother in texas also bought the same card for their mother.
 
One of my favorite things ever posted in a FARK thread:

McNaughtons. Cheap, easily covered up by the cola. It's old man's whiskey though so be prepared for old men to want to come over and tell you outrageous lies and teach you what it means to be an old school man.

Before too long you'll be drinking and shooting nazis in the face. Because goddammit that's what men do. We shoot nazis and drink whiskey.
 
Sunday morning I told my boyfriend I was dreaming I was riding my horse.
He told me he was dreaming we got new carpet.

I said, "that's good honey, one of us needs to dream responsibly".
 
53mqll.jpg

Busted my dog perusing FurryMate.com for available bitches!
 
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What I am about to tell you all is not a joke. I am being totally serious.
I am sitting here in class while my class takes a final exam and I have to fart so bad!! I can't leave the room because I don't trust some of them, and my tummy is getting bloatier and bloatier as I keep sucking the air back in! HELP ME!
 
@mynameiskat your post reminded me of something.

I was going through my jewelry recently and found a Saint Christopher a boy gave me in 8th grade. I was thinking of sending it back to him with a note informing him I'm breaking up. Do you think it would be strange after all, we are 53 years old.
 
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True story. I went to a military run school for teenagers who were straight up assholes. This is one of the more interesting things that happened there, it is also gross as hell, but that doesn't negate the fact that it happened.

We all went by last names at the school so thats why the names are weird. We had three people to a room and this was Ramos, Kelly, and Paulhamous room

So if we had to go to the bathroom after lights out we had to do 50 4 count pushups, so 100 pushups.
Ramos had to pee one night and he didn't want to do push ups so he peed in his near empty bottle of mouthwash.:shifty:

We were allowed to smoke at this school, but if you got in trouble you got put on smoking restriction.
Kelly was on restriction by Sergeant Siri, but when Sergeant Bedwell called for a smoke break Kelly went to smoke.:cigar:

Soon as we came back to the floor Sergeant Siri came walking down the hall. Kelly panicked and was concerned the he smelled like smoke and was going to get caught and would get "the ever living shit smoked out of him" (at our school the teachers were encouraged to swear and make us cry)

Paulhamous (knowing full well what Ramos had done) decided to help Kelly out and pointed out that Ramos had mouthwash sitting there.:devil:

Kelly took a big ole swig and as he did Sergeant Siri walked in so Kelly had no choice but to swallow it.:depressed:

No one told Kelly what he had done but Paulhamous told all of us! We didnt tell Kelly until graduation day...Poor kid could never figure out why we all said his breath smelled like pee.:jawdrop:

Someday I will tell you about the time we bet a kid he couldnt drink a whole bottle of hotsauce and the horrible awful that came of that.:hungover:
 
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: Beauty contest for the most beautiful
woman in the world. I’m entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, Well, how'd ya do? First Place , said Snow White.

As they walk, they come across a sign: Contest for the strongest man in the world.
I’m entering said Superman. After half an hour he comes out and they ask him, Well, how'd ya do? First Place, said Superman.

They continue walking when they see a sign: Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world? Pinocchio says this is mine.Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. What happened? they asked. Who the hell is Obama? asked Pinocchio
 
Was not sure where to post this to be honest but we live in the country my cat has always brought home rats, possums, birds, one day he brought in a large earthworm I'm always very proud of his escapades but tonight he attacked the most adorable mouse ever who managed to escape up our arbor and I just had to take photos of him and in the end (not pictured) gave him a piece of cheese and bid him farewell. I wish you luck mouse.... However, Mumford is like straight up Hunger Games and you are so not going to make your district proud lol

98h62w.jpg

[doublepost=1467854955,1459495995][/doublepost]It did not make me laugh but it made me take a double take then a third... I was like, face rape that's harsh!

2w39b29.jpg
 
Dark Star said:
I've received this one several times. I laugh out loud every time I read it.

Dog and Cat Diary's

The Dog's Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

4:00 pm - Licked my nuts! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order
to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I
decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had
hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released,
and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe.

For now...*
:D
Click to expand...
OMG the cats diary was friggin HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for posting!!! (I have a cat)
 
I got a postcard in the mail to join a neighborhood group.

I made exactly 3 posts before i was banned.
:hilarious:

Thank you @Morbid for giving us the freedom to say what we really think.
 
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Keepalowprofile said:
I made exactly 3 posts before i was banned.
Click to expand...
I'm sure that would also happen to me if there was a neighborhood group in my valley.
I got kicked out of a Yahoo doll making group because I told a member she wrote like a teenage girl experimenting with stream of consciousness and no punctuation whatsoever.
She took it as a compliment, said people told her she looked younger than she was. She said it was a deliberate choice to express herself with full freedom. I said, "More like full laziness. Believe me that was no compliment." And I was instantly banned. She must have been a mod. Yeah, yeah, should have PM'd my annoyance. But she ooozed self satisfaction, and her "craftwork" was crap slapped together with a glue gun.
 
My dad told me a great (clean) joke a couple weeks ago:

So, a guy is looking through the paper for a job and sees the Zoo is hiring. He goes to the interview and tells the Zoo keeper he'll do ANYTHING, scoop up elephant poop, feed crocodiles, groom mice, whatever it takes, he just really needs a job. The Zookeeper thinks about it for a few minutes and then says to the guy "look, our gorilla just died and we can't get a new one till next month. We have a gorilla suit though, and if you're willing, I'd like you to put it on and pretend to be a gorilla." The Zookeeper then says "look, I'll give you the suit now, take it home for a week and practice, then if you show me you're believable, you've got the job."

The guy comes back a week later, and shows off his moves. The Zookeeper is super impressed and puts him in the cage that very day! Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. One day the guy is swinging from the ropes and a large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle, all of a sudden, the guy swings so hard and so fast he flies into the lions den, in the exhibit next to his!!!!

The man starts screaming, "HELP!! HELP!!!"

Suddenly the lion jumps on him from behind and whispers in his ear, "If you don't shut up we'll both be out of a job."
 
R
[doublepost=1491312538,1489191191][/doublepost]Parents of kids who go to my kids school are flipping out over a kid sending prank text messages. They are actually calling the police. It's so fucking dumb. The kid actually said "I'm not a pervert" a pedo would never say that. Plus another mom verified it was a prank by another kid and still they're all flipping out.
 
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