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FAKE Roy Tilbott Pulled Over For Dui, Then Eyeballs Fall From His Undies. Y? Because He Can't Keep It Up!

Forensicwx

Forensicwx

Final Roll Call 4153. STLCO 10-42 10/13 @ 1519
I thought I found some crazy stories, however, from the wtf news desk of @Totemic.....

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Police made a routine traffic stop early Thursday morning and got more than they bargained for when Roy Tilbott, 51, stepped out of his El Camino for a field sobriety test and Casper police noticed several eyeballs slide from his right pant leg onto the road.

...

Feeling they could have a potential murderer on their hands, police quickly drew guns and cuffed Tilbott.

Tilbott assured police the eyeballs were not human, but instead cow eyeballs he had pilfered from Johnson Meats (a slaughterhouse) where Tilbott is employed as a butcher.

.....

“Company won’t let us take animal scraps home and instead toss them in the landfill,” Tilbott said in the police report. “They’re a very wasteful company. We should be allowed to take scrap meat and other parts home. The company should start a green initiative. They don’t even have recycling at the plant.”

Tilbott explained his actions: “I enjoy eating bovine eyeballs and smuggling them out in my colon was the only way I knew how to get them out without potentially getting caught and fired.”

Tilbott told police he estimates he has smuggled several thousand eyeballs from the plant over the past few months.

“I put them in soups,” Tilbott said in the police report. “They’re beneficial for erectile dysfunction, which I currently battle, but I also just like the texture and taste.”

Tilbott was arrested for driving under the influence, his BAC two times higher than the legal limit, plus he was in possession of several large carving knives possibly stolen from the meat packing plant, but Tilbott has not been charged with theft as police need to further investigate to determine who the knives belong to.
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Omooooogawd, lmao! Just when you think you've heard it all! What I wouldn't give to have been that officer. :hilarious:

ETA: Wonder what other "parts" he's smuggled out in his rectal luggage compartment? :joyful:
 
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So let me get this straight first he must slip off to the restroom to insert eyeballs into his rectum. Then he drives home or apparently to a bar letting these things stew in anal juice. Once home he proceeds to retrieve said eyeballs in some most likely sickening manner, and then uses them as addons to his nightly meal. Excuse me while I go continuously vomit for an hour.
 
Maybe his erectile dysfunction would improve if he'd stop drinking...?

This is some really bizarre shit. I formally declare, on this date and time (somebody, write that down), that from now on, NOTHING I read here will surprise me at all.
 
I can find no news articles on this story anywhere. Hell, I can't even find a Johnson Meats in Wyoming. It's also written oddly. In particular, his comments to police are very articulate and detailed. Is this even a real story? I took out the link from crazed.com because we really only want sources to be from valid news sources. If someone has a link to a legitimate news outlet reporting on this, please post it.
 
Dammit. This completely nullifies my "nothing will surprise me" comment. Somebody, scratch that comment from the record. I am now open to the idea of encountering weirder shit again.

P.S. - I'm actually disappointed this turned out to be fake.
 
On the other hand, kudos to the fucked-up fucker that made that story up. That was a good one.

(chuckling) Eyeballs in the rectum...heh heh...
 
The real give-away that this story is fake is the sending-some-parts-to-the-landfill bit. These meat-processing plants sell everything. There are markets for the strangest parts of an animal in Far East Asia......
 
Not to mention the logistics being a bit far-fetched, or maybe "far-felched," in this case.

While cow eyeballs are a bit firmer than their human counterparts, they're also larger. The fellow's anus would have to be permanently very loose in order to get cow eyes up there and not squish them into lumps of membrane and jelly. Perhaps his gaping sphincter is the reason the orbs supposedly rolled out of his trouser leg.

I'm analysing this fake story way too much...
 
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DIAFplease said:
Now that I think about it, we need more weird stories around here. How the Ernest Hemingway look-a-like contest? Too tame?
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You could put it in Weird News, I suppose? It wouldn't belong here unless a crime was committed in the course of it, and I do not believe there is such a crime as "offences against literature"..... :bookworm::bookworm::bookworm:
 
DIAFplease said:
The alternative being that someone really wrote a fake story on the internet about a butcher shoving eyeballs up his butt. ;)

I dunno, I kinda find it more believable that someone would do it. Kinda like the dude who raped patio furniture or the gabillion other weird things people put in their butts.
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There are absolutely eyeball fetishists out there, and I'm certain that the eyeballs-up-the-arse thing has happened at least a few times throughout history. Besides, in my experience in the ER, people will stick anything that fits up their bums.
 
DIAFplease said:
I originally put it in weird news but it was merged with this one.
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Ooh, you might find this interesting- I worked an ER night shift last week, and we had a guy who'd gotten a whole rainbow trout stuck up his ass. He'd put it in head-first, so when he tried to pull it out the fin spines caught in the walls of his rectum and colon.
 
DIAFplease said:
Crickey! Reminds me of that urban myth of the lobster lady. :vomit::vomit::vomit:
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Ew, that was a gross one! Fortunately, this fish was dead when it was inserted (he claimed), but it had been up there for almost a day before he came to hospital. The smell when we put retractors in was vile!
 
DIAFplease said:
Omg, I didn't even think about the smell!!!!!!!! Nooooooo!

I had a weird one the other day, we get breasts all the time, normally a tub of yellow fat and skin, nothing special. Well, I opened this one to put formalin on it (we weigh them fresh) and it was a nipple staring at me, it was so weird. Disembodied body parts, no biggie but when its something so "familiar" it makes it creepier to me, if that makes sense?
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I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. I love putting disembodied bits back together, but I think I'd find it disconcerting to just have bits and pieces all over the place.
 
rod2pop said:
Maybe his erectile dysfunction would improve if he'd stop drinking...?

This is some really bizarre shit. I formally declare, on this date and time (somebody, write that down), that from now on, NOTHING I read here will surprise me at all.
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I'm holdin ya to it!
 
rod2pop said:
Maybe his erectile dysfunction would improve if he'd stop drinking...?

This is some really bizarre shit. I formally declare, on this date and time (somebody, write that down), that from now on, NOTHING I read here will surprise me at all.
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Got it marked for you,Rod! You're welcome. :crack:
 
Don't they throw the eyeballs in with the rectums and nostrils and vaginas and so forth that they save for hot dogs?
 
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