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How about Dead babies?This should go over great with the females on the site!!


How did the dead baby cross the street?
It was stapled to a chicken!

What is the difference between a dead baby and a Caddilac?
I don't have a Caddie in my garage!

Why do they boil water when a baby is born?
So if it's dead they can make soup!
 
Ah fuck man, be careful with the dead baby jokes. I got my ass chewed once for joking that i was gonna smother my infant for waking me up at 5am. :D
 
Well NELL!I'ts one thing to joke about dead babies when you don't have a newborn around.It's a different critter when you got one by your side!
 
Nell, I often joke about how my kids are probably spending the witching hour plotting my eventual mental demise. I can SEE them huddled around a black candle chanting Fuck You Mommy spells and stabbing my likness with pins.
I certainly can understand the smother your kid thing.
It's a JOKE people.
 
I think we need some Irish jokes here, to even it out!

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "


Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the irish priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"


Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "irish father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the irish priest, O'Donnell said, "irish father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"


One little Atheist boy's parents were very concerned about his grades in school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn't concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. They noticed an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was that motivated him to study so hard. "Is it that the Nuns are so strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?", they asked. "No." said the boy. "Is it that the subjects they are giving you are challenging to you?" "No." responded the boy. "What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new school?" they queried. "Well," said the boy, "my very first day of school at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, I was sitting in class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must meant business!"
 
What sound does an Italian helicopter make?

Wop Wop Wop Wop Wop.....

(got that from an Italian Ex! :p)

*********

In a recent national survey Italians were asked what they feared the most.
Here are their top answers.

1. hard work
2. taxes
3. honesty
4. shortage of garlic
5. women without facial hair
6. cuts to welfare
7. nose shrinkage
8. children dating non Italians
9. white people
10. shortage of drugs

**********

Why does Paris have tree lined boulevards?

Because the German Army prefer to march in the shade

************

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And w hat do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
 
Great shit Sheeva!I'm gonna steal a joke from Stand by me.

How do you know a french guy was in your yard?
The garbage can is empty and your cat's pregnant!

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Why don't Catholics use condoms?
Because little boys can't get pregnant!


A young Jewish boy, was doing very badly in his maths lessons. His parents had tried everything to help: private tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, everything they could think of to help him improve.

Finally, in a last ditch effort they took him down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, the little boy came home with a very serious look on his face. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. A couple of hours later she called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and hit the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, the little boy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. His mother nervously opened the report card and jumped for joy: her little boy had finally got an 'A' in maths!

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

The little boy looked at her and shook his head: "No Mommy."

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

The little boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign and I knew then they weren't screwing around..."
 
  1. Why did the baby cross the road?
    It was stapled to the chicken.
  2. How do you make a dead baby float? A glass of soda water and 2 scoops of baby.
  3. What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.
 
Girls are like blackjack… I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14
Whats the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? Zimmerman knew how to dodge a bullet.
What is a redneck virgin? A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.
 
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile
 
One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life.

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
 
My brother had the worst pick up line but it requires back story first. My brother hated bathing so he didn't. He went a 13 year stretch were he showered a total of 3 times. So with that being said he would say to women at bars "wow I'm surprised your still standing, most women pass out when I talk to them." If he only knew it was because of his body odor.
 
Wow, you've been a member here for under a week and you've succeeded in making feel like puking .. :yuck:


Congrats and welcome to The Demon ..
welcome-wagon.gif
 
What is the best part about having sex with a 5 year old?



Their hand makes your d–k look bigger!



BONUS:


What is the worst part about having sex with a 5 year old?


Getting the blood off of your clown suit.
 
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