@Fives My Charm -- I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have a great deal of respect for any parent who can just survive something like that... I just don't know that I could. I've got a medical condition with a pretty grim prognosis, and when I was told how long my life would probably be, I swear the first thing I thought was, "Well at least I won't have to suffer that" because it was always something I knew would be -- well, the worst that could happen, of course.
I know exactly what you mean about the wishing you could think like those who get all goofy-happy and say stuff like, "I can't wait to get to Heaven!" Because really, I'd love to feel that way! I'd love to think this isn't it, that 51 years alive on this earth isn't the sum of -- me. That I'll see those I've lost and welcome those I love as they join me later.... God, my life would be so different if I thought that way, especially now!
"There aren't any atheists in foxholes" they used to say when I was in (USAF.) But yeah... yeah there are, they just grab onto whatever they can when they're scared. Like Death Row inmates are keen to do. Bet your ass though, that when they're at the club later that day (or when they're released from jail, if ever) that newfound "God" is gonna very quickly go by way of -- well, when we don't need a thing, we tend to put it away. And God (like lawyers, really) is often someone we just call up when in trouble. But I'd love to have that kind of faith! I pretend to have it for my kids, thinking if they "have it" too, they'll get through this a lot easier. And my daughters are good with it, they absolutely believe they'll see me again, that I'm going to a great place, and no way am I going to ruin that for them by singing the Miserable Atheist song, God no. My son, though, he knows... and it's harder. So yeah... I'm so hearing you on that.
I've never had a near-death (let alone an "I died and...") story of my own, but I read all of them I can and listen to people speak of the "big light, brighter than all hell" they saw, and their (amazingly similar) stories of something I think most think they saw, or were trippy from the shock and/or medication to hallucinate it (the lights in surgery are huge and bright; I always think that's where that came from...) Anyway, I don't ever say, "Oh bullshit" because I have no idea what they saw. But even though I'm nodding enthusiastically while hearing their accounts, I do think it's... it's not what happened. I hope I'm wrong, Hell of course I do. Just very difficult -- feels like I'm about to board a plane that I'm 90% sure is gonna go down, and if it doesn't, I've no idea where in fact it is going. And you know, that's sort of terrifying, really.
Sorry if I got off-topic, didn't mean to... Really just meant to say I'm just profoundly sorry for your loss, and I hope that whatever peace there is to be found in this life, you're able to find it and that it comforts you as much as possible. (So lame, I know... Sorry.) You've done the thing I've always suspected I'd fail at: Going on, stepping up and looking after your other children and yourself as well as you can. Just an extraordinary display of strength and the power of will, I think. Thanks so much for posting that, I'm glad to hear someone else has thought like I'm thinking. And again, I'm so, so sorry for all you've been through. Just surviving it makes you every kind of awesome.
***EDITED to add: Oh, and rodeos suck. I get it, around here people are quick to defend them, but honestly... Yeah. Yeah, I don't think "the animals love it!" like I've been told. Yeah, because if I were, say, a baby cow, it would be a damned dream come true for someone to keep me penned up, let me go just to have them throw a rope around my fucking neck, slam me to the ground, and hogtie me while everyone cheered! I'm not saying she deserved this or anything like that... I'll bet her parents are into rodeos and that's kind of a generational thing, I know. And I know people who think don't feel the animals feel a thing when hurt (oh come on!) so it's okay to use them for sport like this. But yeah... I'm all for raising animals to eat, but I think the rodeo practices are cruel and inhumane, and it pisses me off when people are surprised when an animal (intentionally or not) causes someone injury or worse. You treat something like that, and it's probably not going to end well.
I've got four kids of my own and I can't imagine what her parents/family is going through and I'm sorry they're hurting. I don't mean to take away from that. But given the nature of the rodeo, the nature of that competition... I hope they're putting the blame where it belongs: on the outdated and unnecessary practices of the rodeo, and not on that animal.
***Again, sorry for the lengthy post and the side-tracking. You're welcome!