alifinrox
Empath, attention whore
wow. now i am even more grateful that a) the last time i was in jail i had my angels bail me out for 1k, and b) i've changed so much since then and dont get into trouble anymore. and if anyone wants to judge me for having been involved in jail, then i hope you will listen to what got me there.
this is by no means the entirety of my experiences with jail, but the most recent one, and really a pain in the ass as i was actually finally trying to go straight. i had recently given up heroin to try methadone (once i was on 80 mg i was able to quit h). when people get on methadone they commonly gain weight for multiple reasons, including that it causes yr metabolism to slow, water weight retention, and severe sugar cravings. couple this with the hep c that a lot of these people, like me, have and the boredom and stress that comes with recovery and it is very common to gain sometimes large amounts of weight. as i did. i had tried to come up with money for even used clothes that would fit me better but was unable to. i finally decided to steal clothes from goodwill and got caught.
my court date was on the 1st of april (years ago) and i hadnt received my april bus pass by then. so i tried to do the right thing and when i couldn't get a ride i called clackamas county where i was supposed to appear, and explained the situation. i pleaded with them to please reschedule my court appearance and tried assuring them that i really did want to clear the matter up. they informed me that i was going to only be able to have the court date reset when they put a warrant out for my arrest for failure to appear, after i miss court. i think i shared my opinion on them insisting on wasting money in this recession the way they were. then almost a year later i was informed by ohio guy that cops had been to my apartment looking for me, so i went ahead and turned myself in, terrified of methadone withdrawls. i was on 130 mg of methadone, as i still am, and as soon as i saw the judge the next morning and found out they were putting 10 grand bail on me even though i had turned myself in, i called my angels and they were there with a grand to save me again.
reading this story really brings back that terror of dopesickness and horrific memories of another time i had done 15 days in jail , that time i was so sick i regularly filled the concrete floor in front of my floor bunk with lakes of vomit..not even vomit, just straight bile as i couldnt even keep anything down. and except a few girls praying for me, no one showed any concern. i guess this is just how it is here in junkietown. i was so sick i was literally hallucinating, hard core. so many non addicts have spewed all the typical shit about how it just takes a little willpower to get off opiates. how is it 'mind over matter' when you can't even control yr mind??
and in this whole shoplifting situation, what did i really do that was that terrible? i tried to legitimately obtain used clothing so my tits and ass wouldnt be hanging out of my clothes and i could get a job. i'd have totally hit up charity clothes closets but the last time i did that, i ended up with a massive and i mean massive case of bed bugs that originated from donated items. never again. so i did what i felt i had to do and stole goodwill clothes, or tried to. what SHOULD i have done?
then i tried to get to my court date but no ride was available and i literally did not have the bus $ to even get out there from portland, much less the $ to get back into town hours later. i tried to reschedule, i did the right thing by turning myself in as soon as i knew they were looking for me, even though the thought of withdrawl was terrifying. wtf SHOULD i have done?!?
i mean we can all point a judgemental finger at another to keep it off of ourselves, but if i never made any mistakes i wouldnt be a living human and none of us can deny that about themselves. life sucks, people sometimes do or feel they have to do shitty things to cope. not that anyone deserves to die shitting puking crying and snotting themselves like that. this poor poor lady, if she had to die i just thank god she is done with her earthly suffering. my heart goes out to her because i know that pain and terror she was facing all too well.
this is by no means the entirety of my experiences with jail, but the most recent one, and really a pain in the ass as i was actually finally trying to go straight. i had recently given up heroin to try methadone (once i was on 80 mg i was able to quit h). when people get on methadone they commonly gain weight for multiple reasons, including that it causes yr metabolism to slow, water weight retention, and severe sugar cravings. couple this with the hep c that a lot of these people, like me, have and the boredom and stress that comes with recovery and it is very common to gain sometimes large amounts of weight. as i did. i had tried to come up with money for even used clothes that would fit me better but was unable to. i finally decided to steal clothes from goodwill and got caught.
my court date was on the 1st of april (years ago) and i hadnt received my april bus pass by then. so i tried to do the right thing and when i couldn't get a ride i called clackamas county where i was supposed to appear, and explained the situation. i pleaded with them to please reschedule my court appearance and tried assuring them that i really did want to clear the matter up. they informed me that i was going to only be able to have the court date reset when they put a warrant out for my arrest for failure to appear, after i miss court. i think i shared my opinion on them insisting on wasting money in this recession the way they were. then almost a year later i was informed by ohio guy that cops had been to my apartment looking for me, so i went ahead and turned myself in, terrified of methadone withdrawls. i was on 130 mg of methadone, as i still am, and as soon as i saw the judge the next morning and found out they were putting 10 grand bail on me even though i had turned myself in, i called my angels and they were there with a grand to save me again.
reading this story really brings back that terror of dopesickness and horrific memories of another time i had done 15 days in jail , that time i was so sick i regularly filled the concrete floor in front of my floor bunk with lakes of vomit..not even vomit, just straight bile as i couldnt even keep anything down. and except a few girls praying for me, no one showed any concern. i guess this is just how it is here in junkietown. i was so sick i was literally hallucinating, hard core. so many non addicts have spewed all the typical shit about how it just takes a little willpower to get off opiates. how is it 'mind over matter' when you can't even control yr mind??
and in this whole shoplifting situation, what did i really do that was that terrible? i tried to legitimately obtain used clothing so my tits and ass wouldnt be hanging out of my clothes and i could get a job. i'd have totally hit up charity clothes closets but the last time i did that, i ended up with a massive and i mean massive case of bed bugs that originated from donated items. never again. so i did what i felt i had to do and stole goodwill clothes, or tried to. what SHOULD i have done?
then i tried to get to my court date but no ride was available and i literally did not have the bus $ to even get out there from portland, much less the $ to get back into town hours later. i tried to reschedule, i did the right thing by turning myself in as soon as i knew they were looking for me, even though the thought of withdrawl was terrifying. wtf SHOULD i have done?!?
i mean we can all point a judgemental finger at another to keep it off of ourselves, but if i never made any mistakes i wouldnt be a living human and none of us can deny that about themselves. life sucks, people sometimes do or feel they have to do shitty things to cope. not that anyone deserves to die shitting puking crying and snotting themselves like that. this poor poor lady, if she had to die i just thank god she is done with her earthly suffering. my heart goes out to her because i know that pain and terror she was facing all too well.