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Woman Dies In Jail From Heroin Withdrawal

wow. now i am even more grateful that a) the last time i was in jail i had my angels bail me out for 1k, and b) i've changed so much since then and dont get into trouble anymore. and if anyone wants to judge me for having been involved in jail, then i hope you will listen to what got me there.
this is by no means the entirety of my experiences with jail, but the most recent one, and really a pain in the ass as i was actually finally trying to go straight. i had recently given up heroin to try methadone (once i was on 80 mg i was able to quit h). when people get on methadone they commonly gain weight for multiple reasons, including that it causes yr metabolism to slow, water weight retention, and severe sugar cravings. couple this with the hep c that a lot of these people, like me, have and the boredom and stress that comes with recovery and it is very common to gain sometimes large amounts of weight. as i did. i had tried to come up with money for even used clothes that would fit me better but was unable to. i finally decided to steal clothes from goodwill and got caught.
my court date was on the 1st of april (years ago) and i hadnt received my april bus pass by then. so i tried to do the right thing and when i couldn't get a ride i called clackamas county where i was supposed to appear, and explained the situation. i pleaded with them to please reschedule my court appearance and tried assuring them that i really did want to clear the matter up. they informed me that i was going to only be able to have the court date reset when they put a warrant out for my arrest for failure to appear, after i miss court. i think i shared my opinion on them insisting on wasting money in this recession the way they were. then almost a year later i was informed by ohio guy that cops had been to my apartment looking for me, so i went ahead and turned myself in, terrified of methadone withdrawls. i was on 130 mg of methadone, as i still am, and as soon as i saw the judge the next morning and found out they were putting 10 grand bail on me even though i had turned myself in, i called my angels and they were there with a grand to save me again.
reading this story really brings back that terror of dopesickness and horrific memories of another time i had done 15 days in jail , that time i was so sick i regularly filled the concrete floor in front of my floor bunk with lakes of vomit..not even vomit, just straight bile as i couldnt even keep anything down. and except a few girls praying for me, no one showed any concern. i guess this is just how it is here in junkietown. i was so sick i was literally hallucinating, hard core. so many non addicts have spewed all the typical shit about how it just takes a little willpower to get off opiates. how is it 'mind over matter' when you can't even control yr mind??
and in this whole shoplifting situation, what did i really do that was that terrible? i tried to legitimately obtain used clothing so my tits and ass wouldnt be hanging out of my clothes and i could get a job. i'd have totally hit up charity clothes closets but the last time i did that, i ended up with a massive and i mean massive case of bed bugs that originated from donated items. never again. so i did what i felt i had to do and stole goodwill clothes, or tried to. what SHOULD i have done?
then i tried to get to my court date but no ride was available and i literally did not have the bus $ to even get out there from portland, much less the $ to get back into town hours later. i tried to reschedule, i did the right thing by turning myself in as soon as i knew they were looking for me, even though the thought of withdrawl was terrifying. wtf SHOULD i have done?!?
i mean we can all point a judgemental finger at another to keep it off of ourselves, but if i never made any mistakes i wouldnt be a living human and none of us can deny that about themselves. life sucks, people sometimes do or feel they have to do shitty things to cope. not that anyone deserves to die shitting puking crying and snotting themselves like that. this poor poor lady, if she had to die i just thank god she is done with her earthly suffering. my heart goes out to her because i know that pain and terror she was facing all too well.
 
alifinrox said:
wow. now i am even more grateful that a) the last time i was in jail i had my angels bail me out for 1k, and b) i've changed so much since then and dont get into trouble anymore. and if anyone wants to judge me for having been involved in jail, then i hope you will listen to what got me there.
this is by no means the entirety of my experiences with jail, but the most recent one, and really a pain in the ass as i was actually finally trying to go straight. i had recently given up heroin to try methadone (once i was on 80 mg i was able to quit h). when people get on methadone they commonly gain weight for multiple reasons, including that it causes yr metabolism to slow, water weight retention, and severe sugar cravings. couple this with the hep c that a lot of these people, like me, have and the boredom and stress that comes with recovery and it is very common to gain sometimes large amounts of weight. as i did. i had tried to come up with money for even used clothes that would fit me better but was unable to. i finally decided to steal clothes from goodwill and got caught.
my court date was on the 1st of april (years ago) and i hadnt received my april bus pass by then. so i tried to do the right thing and when i couldn't get a ride i called clackamas county where i was supposed to appear, and explained the situation. i pleaded with them to please reschedule my court appearance and tried assuring them that i really did want to clear the matter up. they informed me that i was going to only be able to have the court date reset when they put a warrant out for my arrest for failure to appear, after i miss court. i think i shared my opinion on them insisting on wasting money in this recession the way they were. then almost a year later i was informed by ohio guy that cops had been to my apartment looking for me, so i went ahead and turned myself in, terrified of methadone withdrawls. i was on 130 mg of methadone, as i still am, and as soon as i saw the judge the next morning and found out they were putting 10 grand bail on me even though i had turned myself in, i called my angels and they were there with a grand to save me again.
reading this story really brings back that terror of dopesickness and horrific memories of another time i had done 15 days in jail , that time i was so sick i regularly filled the concrete floor in front of my floor bunk with lakes of vomit..not even vomit, just straight bile as i couldnt even keep anything down. and except a few girls praying for me, no one showed any concern. i guess this is just how it is here in junkietown. i was so sick i was literally hallucinating, hard core. so many non addicts have spewed all the typical shit about how it just takes a little willpower to get off opiates. how is it 'mind over matter' when you can't even control yr mind??
and in this whole shoplifting situation, what did i really do that was that terrible? i tried to legitimately obtain used clothing so my tits and ass wouldnt be hanging out of my clothes and i could get a job. i'd have totally hit up charity clothes closets but the last time i did that, i ended up with a massive and i mean massive case of bed bugs that originated from donated items. never again. so i did what i felt i had to do and stole goodwill clothes, or tried to. what SHOULD i have done?
then i tried to get to my court date but no ride was available and i literally did not have the bus $ to even get out there from portland, much less the $ to get back into town hours later. i tried to reschedule, i did the right thing by turning myself in as soon as i knew they were looking for me, even though the thought of withdrawl was terrifying. wtf SHOULD i have done?!?
i mean we can all point a judgemental finger at another to keep it off of ourselves, but if i never made any mistakes i wouldnt be a living human and none of us can deny that about themselves. life sucks, people sometimes do or feel they have to do shitty things to cope. not that anyone deserves to die shitting puking crying and snotting themselves like that. this poor poor lady, if she had to die i just thank god she is done with her earthly suffering. my heart goes out to her because i know that pain and terror she was facing all too well.
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Ali have you met @kitcatmcgee?
I think you two girls would get along swimmingly.
 
alifinrox said:
wow. now i am even more grateful that a) the last time i was in jail i had my angels bail me out for 1k, and b) i've changed so much since then and dont get into trouble anymore. and if anyone wants to judge me for having been involved in jail, then i hope you will listen to what got me there.
this is by no means the entirety of my experiences with jail, but the most recent one, and really a pain in the ass as i was actually finally trying to go straight. i had recently given up heroin to try methadone (once i was on 80 mg i was able to quit h). when people get on methadone they commonly gain weight for multiple reasons, including that it causes yr metabolism to slow, water weight retention, and severe sugar cravings. couple this with the hep c that a lot of these people, like me, have and the boredom and stress that comes with recovery and it is very common to gain sometimes large amounts of weight. as i did. i had tried to come up with money for even used clothes that would fit me better but was unable to. i finally decided to steal clothes from goodwill and got caught.
my court date was on the 1st of april (years ago) and i hadnt received my april bus pass by then. so i tried to do the right thing and when i couldn't get a ride i called clackamas county where i was supposed to appear, and explained the situation. i pleaded with them to please reschedule my court appearance and tried assuring them that i really did want to clear the matter up. they informed me that i was going to only be able to have the court date reset when they put a warrant out for my arrest for failure to appear, after i miss court. i think i shared my opinion on them insisting on wasting money in this recession the way they were. then almost a year later i was informed by ohio guy that cops had been to my apartment looking for me, so i went ahead and turned myself in, terrified of methadone withdrawls. i was on 130 mg of methadone, as i still am, and as soon as i saw the judge the next morning and found out they were putting 10 grand bail on me even though i had turned myself in, i called my angels and they were there with a grand to save me again.
reading this story really brings back that terror of dopesickness and horrific memories of another time i had done 15 days in jail , that time i was so sick i regularly filled the concrete floor in front of my floor bunk with lakes of vomit..not even vomit, just straight bile as i couldnt even keep anything down. and except a few girls praying for me, no one showed any concern. i guess this is just how it is here in junkietown. i was so sick i was literally hallucinating, hard core. so many non addicts have spewed all the typical shit about how it just takes a little willpower to get off opiates. how is it 'mind over matter' when you can't even control yr mind??
and in this whole shoplifting situation, what did i really do that was that terrible? i tried to legitimately obtain used clothing so my tits and ass wouldnt be hanging out of my clothes and i could get a job. i'd have totally hit up charity clothes closets but the last time i did that, i ended up with a massive and i mean massive case of bed bugs that originated from donated items. never again. so i did what i felt i had to do and stole goodwill clothes, or tried to. what SHOULD i have done?
then i tried to get to my court date but no ride was available and i literally did not have the bus $ to even get out there from portland, much less the $ to get back into town hours later. i tried to reschedule, i did the right thing by turning myself in as soon as i knew they were looking for me, even though the thought of withdrawl was terrifying. wtf SHOULD i have done?!?
i mean we can all point a judgemental finger at another to keep it off of ourselves, but if i never made any mistakes i wouldnt be a living human and none of us can deny that about themselves. life sucks, people sometimes do or feel they have to do shitty things to cope. not that anyone deserves to die shitting puking crying and snotting themselves like that. this poor poor lady, if she had to die i just thank god she is done with her earthly suffering. my heart goes out to her because i know that pain and terror she was facing all too well.
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The vomit is never the worst part for me, since my first time kickin I always get this feeling that starts off as my teeth are all gonna fall out (about 12 hours in) and then my bones are gonna come through my skin, werewolf style(18 hours- 60 hrs in)... I've gotten the exact same symptoms in the exact same or since I was 14, if I had to complain about the vomiting though its not the puking itself its the spasms in my stomach that make me shit and puke at the same time so its hard to choose what to clean up first ....

Again same symptoms since I was 14, I am in no way saying kicking is easy, or fun by any means, and because I keep having to do it because I keep relapsing addiction is obviously a pretty powerful thing.. I still don't feel bad.. I started using heroin at 14, I knew then the same thing I know now, heroin is addicting, heroin is dangerous, when you use heroin and stop you will withdraw. EVERYONE knows these things, that first time you do it you say fuck you to everything you know is wrong about it and you just let that sweet sweet warmth wash over you. Maybe I'm judgey because I knew /know better and do it anyway so I feel I get what I deserve when I dry out. I don't just feel this way about junkie strangers, I feel it about junkie friends and of course myself(I'm the worst person to watch intervention with)

@alifinrox from the way you wrote that I'm assuming you were a shooter? Personally I never made the jump, I started off snorting and after about 10 years I switched to smoking. I promise I'm not looking at this with some sort of sniffer logic(I know you know what I mean by sniffer logic).... And of course we have no idea how this lady used
 
Podargus said:
While I agree with your last sentence, your second one is rubbish.
I would think the "souless pricks" would be the pos murderers and rapists that the CO's protect society from.
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I think something like 70% of inmates in American correctional facilities are there for NON Violent Drug offenses. Just saying. And have any of you EVER been incarcerated? No? Then STFU! Not to be rude or anything.
 
oldmaonastick said:
I think something like 70% of inmates in American correctional facilities are there for NON Violent Drug offenses. Just saying. And have any of you EVER been incarcerated? No? Then STFU! Not to be rude or anything.
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You think? Do you have a source for your stats? Not that it changes my point at all. There are a lot of people in prison who simply should not be anywhere else.

I've spent some time in cells. Never served time though. How is your question relevant?

Some of the people posting here have been incarcerated. Some are or were CO's and others work with them. All sides of the equation are represented. Did you have a point?

Your language is a bit indirect, but I'm taking your STFU as being aimed at me. I like being told to shut up. I won't though.

As your only point here is that you dont like CO's, I say "pull your ignorant head in".
Not to be rude or anything.
 
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oldmaonastick said:
I think something like 70% of inmates in American correctional facilities are there for NON Violent Drug offenses. Just saying. And have any of you EVER been incarcerated? No? Then STFU! Not to be rude or anything.
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Shut the fuck up. Not to be rude, but shut the fuck up......

If you got to know anyone here you'd realize that @Forensicwx is a CO, and a damn good one.
 
oldmaonastick said:
I think something like 70% of inmates in American correctional facilities are there for NON Violent Drug offenses. Just saying. And have any of you EVER been incarcerated? No? Then STFU! Not to be rude or anything.
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Hey @oldmaonastick, you and I have been here before. I just wanted to educate you, I have absolutely nothing to argue about your experiences in jail, we smoothed things out in the last thread.

However, if you could quote me a source for your data I would really like to see it! Like @Podargus said. Honestly.

You are fairly close when discussing federal prisons, about 50% are drug related charges. But when it comes to state charges, you are woefully misinformed. This is from between 2001 and 2013 and quotes both:

Drug Offenses In US Prisons)
Federal: "Between 2001 and 2013, more than half of prisoners serving sentences of more than a year in federal facilities were convicted of drug offenses (table 15 and table 16). On September 30, 2013 (the end of the most recent fiscal year for which federal offense data were available), 98,200 inmates (51% of the federal prison population) were imprisoned for possession, trafficking, or other drug crimes."

State: "Drug offenders comprised 16% (210,200 inmates) of the total state prison population in 2012. Twenty-five percent of female prisoners were serving time for drug offenses, compared to 15% of male prisoners. Similar proportions of white, black, and Hispanic offenders were convicted of drug and public-order crimes."
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Now you know as well as I do why a crime would be federal and not state. But let's even give u that statistic. That would still make the average 33% of incarcerated offenders drug related.

See more at: http://www.drugwarfacts.org/cms/Prisons_and_Drugs#Drugs

If you'd like to look up more percentages, the Dept of Justice has great charts that break down offense, race, gender etc as well.

So your estimate of 70% is very incorrect. Besides, your animosity of COs has nothing to do with WHY you got locked up. A jail/prison guard cannot arrest you on the streets. We simply house you once you're there. We have no control over the how or why you got there. Raging about percentages in this thread is sort of a moot point, as the cops were not involved in this woman's death. Wildly innacurate, but again, moot.
 
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This reminds me of similar problems with my sweet little first graders. Some use being hurt as a means of getting attention. They will show me an old scab, or a scratch or cut that I need a magnifying glass to see, complain of a headache, or most commonly, a stomach ache. Most just need a hug or a band-aid to make it all better. Sometimes I know they are not hurt or sick, but miss mom, or are having anxiety about their current task, or a test, etc. But if they persist I will send them to the nurse because it is possible that I'm wrong, and something is physically wrong. I had a boy that could make himself throw up, but after going home 2 or 3 times, it was his mom that let me know what was going on - and really, it was her call to make. If I have evidence, like throwing up, of course I let the nurse, and then the parents decide if their child needs to go home. While I realize that inmates are a far cry from first graders, and maybe that first (or second) vomit may be nothing serious, anybody knows that continuous vomiting means this is not just a cry for attention or crying wolf, and medical intervention is necessary. I feel blessed and fortunate to have a clientele that I love, but even if you loathe yours, you still have the moral and legal obligation to give them proper medical attention. This CO should have retired already or quit if he was at that point. Or maybe he was not cut out for that job to begin with. Even a thief or "trashy" person should not be left to die in their vomit! Inexcusable, unethical, and just plain wrong.
 
kitcatmcgee said:
Not to mention what the fuck were they supposed to do about it? Give her heroin?.... How many times do we see junkies on here committing crimes and we all say "man I hope this piece of shit has a nice time cold turkeying in jail lmao" .... This pos got arrested while shoplifting with her 16 year old, which in my opinion means she taught her child that stealing is acceptable over working hard..... I don't feel sorry for this woman on any level
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Congratulations, you've made such an unintelligent and apathetic remark that it's been hidden from the thread. That's impressive, usually even Pete and Jack's comments don't get that treat.

*Actually not ragging on Pete or Jack, both of you can make good points.
...aaaand plenty of not-so-good ones too. But that's another matter entirely ;)
No matter what she was coming off of, or what her choices were,yes it was her fault she was on it. HOWEVER, her lifestyle, even if it was the worst of the worst, even if she was a torturing rapist or something crazy, has nothing to do with the fact that there was gross misconduct on the guards' parts which directly led to her death. She might have been the one to decide to use, but they were the ones who decided not to get her help, while they were legally responsible for her well being.
Their crime was way worse than her using.

Edit:
@kitcamcgee
Okay okay, so I jumped from page one to page four, shouldn't have done that, missed your apology. But I can't delete what I said...so here's the update!
 
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Interesting,
Of course, this happens, and has been happening, and will keep happening as long as there are rabbit holes that somehow always have something that says 'Drink, Snort, Surf, Bang Me' on it. I mean come on...The reason these inmates die is because they shoot what they get, and what they get, especially nowadays, is usually full of who knows what...(Fentanyl (sic???) seems to be the newest cheap buffer.)Since the tolerance is so low, none, that doesn't help either.

It is interesting because I read today that some American turned Muslim that is enacting his religious right to have a beard (all one and a half inches of the scraggly mess) still makes everyone else mad, because beards are known for being a 'great' place to stash contraband...plus, normally? They don't allow it just for that reason (sneaky bearding!). Apparently the ONLY way to have a beard in prison is if you have a dermatological problem. But? Religion to the Rescue.

I think his defiance to keep his Allah Ackbar shagggy chin just may be allowed...

(again, there are sometimes uses for Religion, most important, to use to blame, or as an excuse.)

EDITED to add: An Afterthought:
Am I the only one that sees the irony in this, the frequency of it, and the logistics of the drug in prison, and then wonder why they are thinking of abolishing the Death Penalty because they cannot kill with a dose of Valium, a Barbituate, and some muscle relaxer?? I can only laugh...again, it makes so much sense that the gov't can't get their lethal mix anymore, however, they seem to be doing just fine if you let the prisoners do it themselves...

Hmmmmmmm.
 
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@MissGoryRae .unless I'm reading your first paragraph wrong I believe your thinking she died because of a drug she took n jail... That's not the case with this inmate... She is a heroin addict and died while withdrawing in jail even though she and other inmates asked for medical help .. They ignored her..

If I read your comment wrong .. Sorry.. Just thought I would let you know..<3
 
Ah, I did misunderstand it...
In which case I will make a slight addendum to my comment on this. I was a junkie 15 years ago, (saying 'was' would mean I survived being a high grade Heroin addict in Vancouver, Where N.America's Heroin Highway begins coming off the boats from the Golden Triangle, where the blocks of porcelain rock hard heroin is stamped 99.9 (or as we used to call it 666). I was able to do it for 7 years, and walk away from a minimum 50$ (this was over 20 years ago) day habit, with no jail time, no diseases, and nothing else that followed me into the heroin-free lifestyle I enjoy now. I am by no means an angel...if I need to clarify, However? I will never...NEVER forget the fear, the gut wrenching instinctual terror that would freeze my bones upon thinking of withdrawing cold. In other words; Withdrawing in jail means a cold room, isolation, of course, and nobody doing shit to help you until you came out at least 3 weeks later, still convulsing. I knew that if it was my choice to put myself into the position that I chose to, then equally, I was also responsible for keeping my nose, not just the needle, clean...
I am not proud of the scams and schemes of working every angle possible to keep me 'well', and so we, (junkies always are a we, we work better in pairs...usually a lover, yet the only bond in the end is one likened to Sid and Nancy...The love was there, but smack was the crazy glue that kept us together for all intent and purposes) dealt it. Getting it so pure, in such a renowned smack haven for drug tourism, it was simple enough. Until my other half smacked me around too much one night, (It's okay, he got a fresh hot steamin coffee wash) and neighbors called.
He went to jail for 6 months.

The only reason I know what happens in jail when you are goin cold is because I not only heard all about it from my ex, but from way too many stupid fucks that had their tunnel-vision on, and their radars off. Being a junkie was different in the 90's, shit...I could drop names of a few of our customers that came up here from Seattle to score...but, that kiddliwinks, is another story.

My point is, if you are going to take that first hoot, chase that dragon off that foil, or just take the plunge and go straight to mainlining, you must be able to deal with it, and even when you have unpleasant bodily fluids coming out of every orifice as you move into the 23rd hour of nada...the last thing you want is to end up in jail. It is like anything else. Prepare for it, have a plan, a dealer, a fellow addict...anyone you haven't messed with that will help your sorry ass out when you need it.

I should have been DOA permanently, as if it weren't for this amazing genetic aspect that allows redheads such as myself, born with this mutant aspect to the recessive genes I have, I know I would not be here now. (Go ahead...read up on redheads and Opiates...we can take a whole shitload of em, and never OD to death. We check out...but, we do come back. Every single time.

I will have to re-read the article, as I must have been lost in the many fine posts above me, and I misunderstood it. I am curious to know how withdrawal killed her...as I had never heard of that happenning to junkies, only long haul alcoholics. But then, it would make sense, as Amsterdam has always been the place to be in the particular situation. Whereupon anyone being arrested, the very first mandate is to see if they will be withdrawing, and they immediately would give you a juice cup of methadone. But then again...We certainly are many decades behind here in N.America when it comes to being decent to drug users.

Thanks for the catch once again, Lauralye.
(See? what a nice community we have here...I have missed it.)
 
kitcatmcgee said:
my first love died today of an overdose..... I have never known such a hole in my heart
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i'm really sorry to hear that. i've lost many loved ones on this shit, including my fiancee abt a week before we were finally going to put it on paper and get married. if you ever need to talk i'm here. all we can do now is try our best to live right since they can no longer, and make them proud of us.
 
MissGoryRae said:
Ah, I did misunderstand it...
In which case I will make a slight addendum to my comment on this. I was a junkie 15 years ago, (saying 'was' would mean I survived being a high grade Heroin addict in Vancouver, Where N.America's Heroin Highway begins coming off the boats from the Golden Triangle, where the blocks of porcelain rock hard heroin is stamped 99.9 (or as we used to call it 666). I was able to do it for 7 years, and walk away from a minimum 50$ (this was over 20 years ago) day habit, with no jail time, no diseases, and nothing else that followed me into the heroin-free lifestyle I enjoy now. I am by no means an angel...if I need to clarify, However? I will never...NEVER forget the fear, the gut wrenching instinctual terror that would freeze my bones upon thinking of withdrawing cold. In other words; Withdrawing in jail means a cold room, isolation, of course, and nobody doing shit to help you until you came out at least 3 weeks later, still convulsing. I knew that if it was my choice to put myself into the position that I chose to, then equally, I was also responsible for keeping my nose, not just the needle, clean...
I am not proud of the scams and schemes of working every angle possible to keep me 'well', and so we, (junkies always are a we, we work better in pairs...usually a lover, yet the only bond in the end is one likened to Sid and Nancy...The love was there, but smack was the crazy glue that kept us together for all intent and purposes) dealt it. Getting it so pure, in such a renowned smack haven for drug tourism, it was simple enough. Until my other half smacked me around too much one night, (It's okay, he got a fresh hot steamin coffee wash) and neighbors called.
He went to jail for 6 months.

The only reason I know what happens in jail when you are goin cold is because I not only heard all about it from my ex, but from way too many stupid fucks that had their tunnel-vision on, and their radars off. Being a junkie was different in the 90's, shit...I could drop names of a few of our customers that came up here from Seattle to score...but, that kiddliwinks, is another story.

My point is, if you are going to take that first hoot, chase that dragon off that foil, or just take the plunge and go straight to mainlining, you must be able to deal with it, and even when you have unpleasant bodily fluids coming out of every orifice as you move into the 23rd hour of nada...the last thing you want is to end up in jail. It is like anything else. Prepare for it, have a plan, a dealer, a fellow addict...anyone you haven't messed with that will help your sorry ass out when you need it.

I should have been DOA permanently, as if it weren't for this amazing genetic aspect that allows redheads such as myself, born with this mutant aspect to the recessive genes I have, I know I would not be here now. (Go ahead...read up on redheads and Opiates...we can take a whole shitload of em, and never OD to death. We check out...but, we do come back. Every single time.

I will have to re-read the article, as I must have been lost in the many fine posts above me, and I misunderstood it. I am curious to know how withdrawal killed her...as I had never heard of that happenning to junkies, only long haul alcoholics. But then, it would make sense, as Amsterdam has always been the place to be in the particular situation. Whereupon anyone being arrested, the very first mandate is to see if they will be withdrawing, and they immediately would give you a juice cup of methadone. But then again...We certainly are many decades behind here in N.America when it comes to being decent to drug users.

Thanks for the catch once again, Lauralye.
(See? what a nice community we have here...I have missed it.)
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i love what you had to say. and wow i thought i live in the worst place to get clean, portland oregon, but it sounds like where you were is even worse! and i'm here to back you up on the redhead thing. i was one of those who plunged straight into mainlining and i could always drink, shoot or smoke anyone under the table, even dudes. but then i turned 30 and grew up and started making my dreams come true, and now 6 years after switching to methadone, i have accomplished both of my lifelong dreams- being a licensed cosmetologist, and putting a cd out with the band my sister and i were in. u know what, sure i miss some aspects of my old fucked up glittery platform electric glamour stripper days, but you know what when shit gets hard all i have to do is think of that terror of waking up dopesick and scrambling to go break a law or put myself at risk again. and now i think, even when i listen to nostalgic music i used to get fucked up to and get the worst cravings, i just think of all the years (10) that i fought, prayed, begged, hoped and wished for a way out of the opiate sickness trap, i'd be a fucking IDIOT to mess up what i've got going for myself now. and the haters? it's like ok bitch, go be the new queen of the gutter cuz i'm over it. take my bloody tiara i don't need it anymore. :) anyway, super congrats on yr success, and tysm for helping to show that people don't always have to become weak stupid and lame when they get off opiates. especially in the rock world people act like if you get off heroin yr lame and you suck now. i call it scott weiland syndrome lol
 
kitkatmcgee: wow we started early didn't we? yes i was a slammer from day one but ironically, i only shot myself up twice. people can be hella judgemental so i don't tell this to everybody but i got my start in a different way.. see i guess i'm that point one percent that DID'NT know ALL the effects of using heroin. all i had been told was that it took more and more to get the same effect over time, and that it was really addicting. i ended up on the streets at 18 after moving out of an asshole boyfriends moms place when i broke up with him. (i've never had the ability to fake a lifestyle even if it meant i was out in the gutter, apparently)
so short story long lol, i met the love of my lifetimes downtown, a guy named Gabriel Desertstar who was just as special beautiful and charismatic as his name, his real name btw. he was a gorgeous, gorgeous man who was my age, 18 or 19 and had long wavy hair and looked like a gorgeous mix of manson and jesus if u can imagine that. he was so full of energy thought humor charisma and life that if he did something stupid, he could talk you up and almost convince you that he meant to do whatever and that what he did was actually cool lol.. anyway some people think two junkies or users can't fall in love or have a meaningful bond and a healthyish relationship but i STRONGLY disagree. of course i never got the chance to find out, but i suspect we could have successfully quit together.
anyway gabe was on the streets because his mom had a younger child, gabes little brother who was 8 when gabe died at age 25. i miss gabey so much. i don't blame him for the hell i went through though because even though gabe was my gateway to getting me started on heroin when i was 18, he didn't understand the consequences or what being dopesick was like since he was actually one of these people who could just use on the weekend. when we got together it was love at 1st sight. it was cute, he 'taxed' me for the weekend lol meaning that i was hanging out with him. he wouldn't have forced me to if i didn't want to but i very much did hehe..we sat down and i remember i smoked a bowl w him and told him that it's a good thing he wasn't on the hard drugs like other ppl downtown were. he then said weeeelll...and told me he occasionally did heroin. i told him right away, i'm scared of needles and i was scared for him cuz it seemed scary to me.. so i was clear abt my expectations. i told him that i dont wanna see him do it, i don't wanna see any dope or needles and that quite frankly i didnt even wanna see him while he was on it. he was totally understanding and respectful... but the attraction between us was so intense that we spent more and more time together.
one day he asked me if he could borrow 20 bucks. i asked why, he said well for some dope. i offered to talk him out of his craving and i said i was concerned about him and that i wanted to help. he tried for a few minutes to let me distract him, then he said four words that sealed my fate: 'you just don't understand'. well, i wanted to understand, so he would listen to me and i could help him. i guess it was twisted logic if you could call it logic at all.. but i use the metaphor that i stuck out my hand to pull him up a muddy hill and instead i got pulled down. i think it was important to us both to be 'on the same page' , and it became a dark and twistedly romantic thing we wanted to share.
so he, sensing that i wasn't far from finding my way to it, shot me up for the first time on the 4th of july at the bluesfest on the river downtown. he said he wanted to be sure that he gave me the right amount and would be extremely careful with me. ik it may sound weird but...he shot me up with love. he gave me so little that i actually asked him for more.
talk abt that warm feeling: i describe it like someone wrapping you up in the coziest warmest blanket or gently pouring the perfect warm temp water alllllll over you.
anyway, he may have fucked up in being the liason between me and the dark mistress, but i fucked up by keeping it going. so we both fucked up. and we both regretted some choices we'd made but we both saw it as fate.
i remember once we were on the streets and he said that even though we didnt have shit for money, we were actually 2 of the richest ppl because we had found true love so young. at times we lived w his mom and brothers, and we were so in love that all we wanted was to get clean and get married and have a child of our own, and build our own house together with our bare hands and have an organic garden and just be happy together.
the saddest thing is that he had just gotten clean and had been out for 9 days before he died. he was chipping (i know it must've been tempting with me still using) and i guess overestimated his new tolerance level and he died while i was omw home from a bar. the dickhead cop that came out of the moms house as i was heading in said rudely to me when i asked what happened 'yr BOYFRIEND did too much DOPE!' they left the fucking paddles they'd used to try to revive him just hanging there off a nail in the wall and took his body before i could see him- which now i think was prob for the best.
so yeah. i got on the subject so i'll just finish it up. gabey and i shared the longest and most mindblowingly amazing relationship i've ever known. his family and their friends are the coolest Oregon Country Fair/ rainbow/radical old skool punks i've ever met and to this day, 9 years after becoming a 24 yr old widow, they still accept me as their own. before gabe and i would say goodnight, we'd say ily, see u in my dreams. i remember once we both woke up simultaneously and started doing it, stuff like that. if one of our stomachs hurt the other would hold our hand above the others stomach and think healing thoughts and we both swore that it has actually worked. we were abt the same height and when we were laying together, we fit perfectly with each other in so many different positions/ways, in fact, i wanted to start making paintings of us laying together, not just fucking but probably naked, we both thought itd be beautiful. we wanted to have an epic wedding on a beach, with a rowboat to take us to a nearby island so we could consummate our vows. i wanted to handmake our costumes and we wanted a renaissance style wedding with a knighting, the whole thing.
so in my unique experience yes you can find love in drug relationships if both people want the same things which we did, and if the relationship was based on love in the first place, which it was. we shared a connection and i remember he saved my life once because he sensed i was near death, and he busted out of the inpatient rehab to find me. as it turned out he sensed right, i didn't know it at the time but i had had gonorrhea for the previous 2 years and it was causing me to drop to my knees in severe stomach pains. i was in a dangerous situation with a guy i knew and he basically saved me. i still have to wonder to this day though, if HE could've been saved had the local detox facility allowed couples in together. of COURSE it's not likely that a couple will get clean together if when one gets out, the other is still strung out and using. this is what happened w us. so yeah i can honestly say neither of us knew the ride we were in for. he hadn't been sick before but when i started stripping AND he was working construction, we had pretty high habits. there were times too where we tried to get clean together, and we would actually make it through detox (before they knew we were a couple), but i was so depressed and traumatized already from my past that all i could do was bawl my head off without dope. the feelings were and are still so negative and so sharp.
but i still believe that love will win as gabey did too, and i'm doing everything in my power to see him again.
he mysteriously ran into a couple street preacher kids, and they convinced him to say the come into my heart thing. he later said that he wasn't sure why he wanted to go. so against his liberal upbringing he mysteriously went christian, and this was less than one week before he died. so i know he is in a good place. i also had a strange dream before he died where a sequence of numbers was repeated and a figure shook me and said 'wake the fuck up ali and write this shit down' while shaking my shoulders. so i did just that, woke the fuck up and wrote that shit down. a couple weeks later after gabey passed, i found the numbers written down. i think it was something like 221-221-2122. i think im slightly off in my memory now of what the numbers were, but when i had it written down correctly, i added up each number on its own and it equaled 19. it took me a few days to make the connection that 1/9 was the date he died. of course it coulda meant anything so i try not to beat myself up abt it.
gabe and i though we were total hippie gutter punks, but we did talk abt and believe in god and in love conquering all. he had said he thought that we were always married in gods eyes, but while he was getting clean right b4 he died, he had done some soul searching and said we should get married right away. i think something was preparing him for death. his mom also said he was speaking in unrecognizable words before his death as well.
so when gabey was alive, we had talked abt how we thought we could possibly actually be characters from the bible. we both believe these are the end times. and if christianity is true, i believe that i knew/know an incarnation or version of the real archangel gabriel. i believe he was called to heaven to blow his trumpet because shit's abt to come down. just my belief though.
ik there are a lot of controversial theories and statements in what i'm writing, but i am not trying to force my beliefs upon anyone else. i am simply sharing my love story, which i feel is actually quite epic. <3
 
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