O.K.
@rod2pop , as a man of Science, you've done the initial work - the handy and the "gross" results of the initial experiment are in. You're almost done. I can't make this any shorter, pard', it's gotta be done right if we're gonna get that grant money.
First, go get yourself a standard 400X magnification, illuminated microscope and a slide kit. I'd letcha use mine, but I don't know where the f**k you are, so we're gonna have to make do. I'll send you half on the equipment and supplies when we're done. As long as we keep meticulous records,
the University Grant Committee doesn't give a f**k what we use (don't sweat it, I'll write up the application
).
Not sure, but I think you should still be able to get the slides in small quantities of 25 slides or less complete with the clear specimen/smear covers. There are some really reasonably priced scopes with both course and fine magnification out there that guys buy from Amazon and other vendors to do their own at-home sperm counts (true!). Remember - expensive doesn't mean shit here, Rod. We're studying splooge, not lookin' for a gd atom. Let the guys up at the Hadron Collider play with that pricey shit.
Now remember, you have to make a "smear" here. You can't just get all handsy and excited and go into a seizure on a little piece of glass willy nilly 'cuz you'll just end up playing blast 'em and ruin the whole slide. Not only will you not be able to see your little athletes clearly and independently, your load'll look like a gd clusterf**k
under the microscope and you'll have to start ALL over again. You could end up having to repeat this so many times you could end up falling asleep face down in a big ol' puddle of snoodle snot all over the floor with weak knees and a raw, spent dick in your hand. We don't want the wife to catch you with your pants down, Rod. She may be cool as hell
and just step over you and your little lake 'o baby gravy to put the kettle on, mumbling something about you being a "weird-assed ol' f**k again," but it's still not kosher, man. Trust me. You may be the filmmaker, but she'll have your bare, hairy
uploaded to her FB acct. before your next snore.
This next part is where the
real commitment comes in, partner, b/c you've only got less than 45 min. before your gooey, little tadpoles start to croak off from exposure and start sticking to the live ones slowing them down, and we want 'em
fiesty and
squirmin'. Got that? It's a critical factor for optimum results, so you're not gonna have time to bask in the afterglow on this one, dude. NO
, NO nap
. This is
Science! FFS. They wanna live long enough to teach us something about cummy coffee as bad as we want them to, too, Rod!
K. It's go time, man. Put the coffee on and get everything gathered and set up on the kitchen table before Lift Off. Don't forget the coffee cup! When the coffee's done, set the alarm on your cell or prog your oven/micro timer for 45 min. Get your sleaziest, hottest, nastiest, most shamefully dirty, private,
consenting adult(s) fantasy in your mind and when your sausage hits the haffa chub mark, drop those drawers and those tidy whities (we need a clean catch sample - no cotton fuzzies or fibers!), hit that timer and GO BUDDY! It's all you! Spank that monkey like the dirty, dirty, little slut he is! When that baby starts twitchin' (you know what I'm talkin' about
), grab your coffee cup and let that bad boy shoot himself straight into next week with a yank and a HOWL! I'm talkin' blow the fuggin' bottom outta that cup so hard those little f**kers are running around in circles from mass concussions. Now, hurry up (remember, no glow!) grab your loop, make your slide, put it on the plate and count those crazy little monsters. :drowning: :drowning: :drowning: Make sure and give 'em a big thumbs up for being troopers. They're on a suicide mission. They'll appreciate the support.
Check your time, set your stop watch for five minutes and do what you already did with the coffee the first time. When time is up, pour off the coffee until you get to the big, ol' slimy, goo blob in the bottom of the cup. Pour off as much liquid as you can then take your loop again (for gawdsakes, tell me you cleaned the gd thing after you slid it around in your load the first time
) and make another slide. Now count the poor, little sad sacks that're still struggling to stay alive, if there are any. They're generally heat labile, so if they all died in the line of duty, it's O.K. Salute them and say a few words over their dead, little, spermy carcasses, i.e., "thanks for giving your life for Science, boys. I'm gonna miss ya, " or something like that.
Finally, compare your data and record the ratio/difference, even if it's a 100% death rate. If it's not, convert your numbers into a percentage and record it (I need it for the Abstract. I can do it, but you're the experimental guy here, so don't be a slacker). I'll go ahead and write up the conclusions as soon as you email me your notes. Go ahead and send a screenshot of the blobby pile of dead guys at the bottom of your cup, so I can pay my respects to the brave, little soldiers, too. Hopefully, we can bilk the government out of at least $100K in Research funding using this story to base our original hypothesis on - "How Many Live Sperm Were Likely Still Swimming Around in a Woman's Mouth Five Minutes After a Man Came in Her Coffee?" With some of the stupid shit they dole out the big bucks for, we oughta be in like Flint with this one, lol.