Homewood, Ill. – No, this is not a story about one of my dates. It’s about 63-year-old Janet Hardt who injected hot beef fat into her face, only to be pronounced hours later at the hospital.
Hardt had become obsessed with a cosmetic procedure she had developed herself, in which she would boil beef, extract the fat and then inject it around her mouth and chin in an attempt to simulate Botox.
She performed this technique on multiple occasions, but on Thursday she went to the hospital shortly after injecting the beef fat into her face, complaining that her face was burning. She would be dead within hours.
An autopsy performed the next day determined Hardt did not die from her DIY Botox procedure, although her face was infected. She had actually died from a bacterial infection caused by weakened walls in her colon.
Family members told authorities Hardt had undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries to her face and neck. Reports are that even though her face was infected, scarred and grotesque looking, it was almost devoid of wrinkles.…Continue Reading
Seattle, WA – An unidentified man was sent to the Harborview Medical Center after police and firefighters found him in a public park trying to roast his own chestnuts shortly after midnight on Wednesday.
The man, wearing crotch- and ass-less spandex chaps, had built a small fire in a fountain located in Seattle’s Prefontaine Place Park. He was apparently found gyrating over the flames, letting them touch his genitals and buttocks.
When asked just what in hell he was doing, the man said he was having a ‘weenie roast.’ Cue rimshot and laugh track.
Firefighters put out the fire and police brought him to the whacko-basket.
Though there’s no way for us to know what his real intentions were, whether this was some ritual to ward off space aliens or a desperate stunt to sell more spandex chaps, but I’d like to think of him as a sort of performance artist/comedian. I’ve been accused (and rightly so) of reaching too far for joke, but this guy literally put his dick in a fire and then said ‘weenie roast.’ For that, I salute him.…Continue Reading
The unidentified woman told police she was holding the firework in her hand when she lit the fuse. She said she was going to toss the thing out the front door, where it would then make enough noise to wake the boyfriend. How cute. Personally, I have found that the unique sound a switchblade makes gets mine up, moving and into the kitchen right quick….
Anyway, the darn thing went BOOM in her hand, blowing off her thumb, middle and ring fingers. Police said the blast was so powerful, they found a piece of finger bone embedded in the ceiling.
Police believe alcohol was a factor in the incident. Me? I’m going with genes on this one.…Continue Reading
The man’s wife called police and paramedics Monday evening to report her husband was sick and tired of waiting to get surgery for the rupture and decided to take matters into his own hands.
When police arrived on scene, they found the unidentified man lying butt-nekkid on a lounge chair on his patio, the handle of a 6-inch butter knife protruding from his abdomen.
While waiting for paramedics to arrive, police say the man yanked the knife out of his stomach, plucked a cigarette from his mouth and stuck it inside the open wound. He apparently showed no outward signs of pain. And, with that, he was placed on a 72-hour psychiatric hold and transported to the hospital.
And now, a public service announcement from Dr. Sam Carvajal, a surgeon at Glendale Adventist Medical Center:
“It is absolutely impossible for someone to fix their own hernia.”
Carvajal went on to say that most hernia patients don’t suffer from pain severe enough to lead to self-surgery, leaving him to conclude the patient was suffering from some amount of psychosis.…Continue Reading
The priest alleges that he was fired after rumors that he was engaged in a homosexual relationship with a young Cuban seminarian were heard by his Bishop. The rumors, in part, stemmed from photographs that surfaced of the priest and the seminarian shirtless and in close contact.
The priest has complained to the media that the Bishop of the Diocese of Getafe wants him to abandon the parish, undergo a psychiatric cure and take an HIV test. Undergo a psychiatric cure?
In response, Father Torres has made a simple and obvious request.
“Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated,” said the priest.
Father Tores has reportedly handed over the keys of the church, after refusing to do so for several days in protest. According to reports, he has also said that he will now go to Rome to ‘show that he is being expelled from his parish unfairly.’
When you read in the next weeks of a man mooning the popemobile while shouting in Spanish, don’t say that you weren’t warned……Continue Reading
Mexico City – Here’s one of the stories I was working on yesterday. A woman is now facing multiple charges after she got busted trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a suitcase.
Maria del Mar Arjona, 19, had been allowed a conjugal visit with her husband, Juan Ramirez Tijerina, who was serving time after being convicted of federal drug trafficking charges.
As she was leaving, prison guards noticed something very odd about the overstuffed suitcase Arjona was toting. The suitcase, on wheels, was clearly overstuffed and something inside moved as Arjona, who was six months pregnant, attempted to take it up the stairs that led out of the prison.
The guards stopped a nervous Arjona and checked the contents of the suitcase. Inside they found Tijerna packed away inside, curled up in the fetal position.
Luckily the guards snapped the following picture of their find before taking Tijerna back to his cell, and the Internet thanks them for doing so. It really is a great picture…almost looks like the suitcase is giving birth.…Continue Reading
JACKSON COUNTY, Missouri – Over the weekend, a man in Missouri was killed by a riding lawn mower.
A woman returning home Sunday found her boyfriend, 39-year-old Wesley L. Jarman laying in the yard wearing a riding lawn mower. He had been cutting grass on a steep incline when the mower rolled over and Garman fell off, with the medium sized mower landing on top of him.
Paramedics were called and arrived within minutes, but Jarman’s injuries were too extensive. He was pronounced dead at the scene.
I didn’t need this story as proof that yard work was dangerous business. I once got a splinter in my finger while opening the door to the shed that contained my mower. It was excruciating, cost me many days off work and had a hand in my current addiction to pain pills and porn.
It’s been 15 years and I still cannot cut the grass. My therapist told my wife it’s not laziness, as she continually harps, but rather a form of post-traumatic stress syndrome.…Continue Reading
Independence, MO — Rick Sheridan of Independence, Missouri was working in his garage when he heard gunshots. He went around the back of his house to a pond, where he saw three police officers lined up on the bank of his pond surveying their kill.
“The officer fired two rounds, and killed my concrete, ornamental alligator,” Sheridan said.
Independence police released a statement this week saying that they had received a call reporting that his children had seen the alligator along a creek and his son had shown him the creature.
Police dispatch contacted the Missouri Conservation Department, who said that if the officer did locate the alligator, to go ahead and ‘put it down.’
According to the police statement, when police located the alligator in a wooded area, an officer fired two shots before realizing the animal was really made out of concrete. Police then apologized to Sheridan and left.
< …Continue Reading
We here at the Demon like our stories like hillbillies like their violence: domestic. Sometimes, though, a story that can’t be passed up comes along, just begging to make the front page. This one comes from America’s Hat, Canada.
At approximately 10:30pm Monday night, a Pontiac Sunbird traveling Highway 148 struck a black bear that had wandered onto the roadway. The impact caused the bear to be scooped up and rocketed into oncoming traffic. A Nissan Pathfinder was the unfortunate recipient of the ursine projectile, which traveled through the front windshield on the driver’s side, through to the back seat and out the back window, killing two people in the process.
I’m no smart, science-type guy, but let’s assume a conservative 50mph on each side of the road. This works out to 300lb pounds of furry (and undoubtedly confused) meat hitting you in the face at 100mph. I think. I can imagine 300 lbs of just about anything at that speed is more than sufficient to ruin your evening.…Continue Reading
Philadelphia, PA — Officials in Pennsylvania have reported that a beaver accused of attacking three people in the Pennypack Creek area last week has tested positive for rabies.
The first of two alleged attacks occurred on June 1 as a man and his wife were fishing. Authorities claim a large beaver first attacked the woman, biting her on the leg. When the husband tried to intervene, he was rewarded with a few puncture wounds to his chest and arms.
The very next day, a man and his child happened across a beaver doing whatever it is beavers do when they aren’t building dams and shit. The two reportedly observed the beaver for a minute before dad started poking at it with a fishing rod. The beaver apparently didn’t appreciate the unexpected invasion of it’s personal space and turned around and chomped down on the kid. Good thinking, dad…
The beaver blamed for both attacks was captured late Thursday evening and put down.
These attacks follow another reported beaver attack from back in April.…Continue Reading
Coroner Michael Baker said Ella D. Miller, 32, died Wednesday morning after suffering severe thermal burns. She got the burns on Monday morning while doing the laundry.
As most of you know, the make good portable fireplaces, but they do not use the Devil’s technology, so after using her octopus dishwasher and scrubbing the floors with her porcupine brush, Miller started doing her laundry by heating some water in a large metal kettle with a wood fire underneath it.
In order to speed things along, her husband says she tried putting kerosene on the fire. The result was an explosion that caught her clothes on fire resulting in the poor woman being burned over almost her entire body. If that weren’t bad enough, she was not taken to the doctor. Friends and family attempt home remedies until she finally (mercifully) passed away on Wednesday.
Police are investigating the incident, but Baker syas there are no signs of foul play.…Continue Reading
All that is known at this point is that the appliance somehow fell to the floor while the victim was preparing an undoubtedly well-balanced meal and exploded. One fire fighter called it “…one of the freakiest accident calls that we have ever heard.”
The woman’s name has not been released, so for the sake of clarity we’ll call her Eileen. Eileen was in the kitchen Thursday morning at 10am when the incident happened. As for what she was cooking that early, well…I’m stumped. Thankfully, someone was close by and realized something was afoot, and used a belt as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. The next step was to get her to the hospital.
Despite already having one foot in the grave at 79, the woman is expected to be okay, which is a huge relief for me since I’m already treading on thin ice here.…Continue Reading
Pompano Beach, FL - Maribel Gomez, 35, was arrested on Monday morning for showing her breasts to children who were waiting for a school bus.
According to a Broward Sheriff’s Office probable cause affidavit, a deputy answered a call about 8:15 a.m. on Monday regarding a woman undressing in front of school children waiting for a bus in the city.
According to the document, a 10-year-old witness told the deputy he saw Gomez “with her breasts fully exposed,” and heard her ask, “Are you ready?”
Gomez was arrested at the scene, initially charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition. At her court appearance on Tuesday, however, Judge John “Jay” Hurley downgraded the charge against Gomez. ”We’ve agreed that your alleged behavior does not fit into that statute,” he said. “We agreed that if anything, it’s disorderly conduct.”
Hurley revoked Gomez’s bond because of a arrest in April on cocaine possession. Hurley also ordered that Gomez undergo a mental health evaluation.
PORTLAND, OR — Last Wednesday morning, Don Derfler was waiting for the mailman. According to Derfler, when he saw him out his front window, “He started pulling his pants down and started defecating,” Derfler said. “At that point I grabbed my camera and started to take pictures.” The series of photos that resulted show the dirty deed.
Officials with the postal service were quick to offer an apology. “We’re taking this very seriously, and I really want to apologize to our customers and to the public at large,” said U.S. Postal Service employee Ron Anderson. “For the years I’ve worked for the postal service, I’ve never heard of an incident like this, and I hope I never do again.”
Derfler said his wife did not believe him when he told her. He showed her the pictures to prove his point. Oh, joy.
Derfler was quoted as saying “We trust people like the postal service and the meter readers to come on our property but to defecate on it is just wrong.”
Postal inspectors arrived later in the day to clean up.…Continue Reading
MANCHESTER, N.H. – It’s my day off and Jaded is sick as a dog, so you are just gonna have to deal with some of the stories I am finding this morning while I drink my coffee in my overpriced D’D mug while waiting on my bacon to finish cooking. Starting with this woman in New Hampshire who had a pretty crappy Monday after she got stuck in the sunroof of a car.
I wasn’t even going to post this, but it was funny in how it escalated to embarrassing levels, plus there was the picture. The woman found herself wedged in the car parked in a Walgreen’s parking lot after she tried to retrieve the keys her friend had locked inside the vehicle. When she realized she was stuck, firefighters were called in to help get her out.
They were able to open the locked car doors, but their actions ended up arming the car’s security system and inadvertently locked the woman in place. They ended up freeing the woman by using a portable airbag to pry open the sunroof.…Continue Reading
BEND, Ore. – Here’s a couple crazy stories I figured I’d post this morning while I drank my delicious coffee. In Oregon, a teenager was playing keyboards for a small crowd inside a coffee shop when he pulled out a knife and proceeded to stab himself to death.
Police say that on Thursday, 19-year-old Kipp Rusty Walker, was performing a song he introduced as “Sorry for the Mess“ in front of a crowd of around 15 people at the Strictly Organic Coffee Company. When he was done the crowd began clapping and Walker stood up and began stabbing himself in the chest with knife over and over again.
“It was really unclear at first what was even happening,” coffee shop co-owner, Rhonda Ealy said. “You know it is an open mic and it’s a performance, people at first thought it was some sort of theater.”
Walker was taken to St. Charles Medical Center where he later died from the multiple self-inflicted stab wounds to his chest.
One friend said he expected Walker was going to do something like this.…Continue Reading
San Francisco, CA — Not a lot of info on this one, but I’ll give ya what I got. Police say a man was hospitalized Wednesday with severe, life-threatening burns to the front of his body after he somehow caught fire inside a San Francisco porn store.
The man, who police have yet to identify, was apparently in a private viewing booth at the Golden Gate Adult Superstore when he burst into flames. Too easy…way too easy.
SFPD Lt. Troy Dangerfield has reported that a couple of officers were across the street from the porn shop when they saw the screaming man run out the front door of the store “engulfed in flames.” As luck would have it, there were some firefighters less than a block away and the flames were quickly extinguished.
The man was rushed to the St. Francis Memorial Hospital’s Bothin Burn Center, suffering from third-degree burns to nearly 90% of his body.
Investigators said they don’t know how the man caught fire and were searching the booth for flammable materials and/or accelerants.…Continue Reading
An unidentified special education teacher at Webster Elementary School was suspended earlier this week after allegations surfaced that he ordered the third and fourth graders in his class to remove their underwear in the hopes of solving a mystery of the “fecal” variety.
From what I understand, one of the man’s seven students either took a dump or left skid marks on the floor of the classroom late last month. In order to identify the alleged dookie dropper, the teacher had each student remove their underwear in a private bathroom stall while he waited outside. The children were then directed to redress themselves and exit the stall…skivvies in hand. Teach then inspected each and every pair. What, exactly, he was looking for is unclear, but dingleberries come to mind.
The teacher apparently said that he was trying to find out who had shat their pants so the guilty party could be sent to the school nurse.…Continue Reading
RAVENNA, Mich. -- You guys remember Evan Emory? He’s the idiot I posted about in February who found himself in some hot water after posting an edited video of himself performing in front of a class of kids at Beechnau Elementary School on Youtube.
The 21-year-old filmed himself performing some age-appropriate songs for a class of first graders, then performed a sexually explicit song in an empty classroom. The video he posted on Youtube was shots of him singing the sexually explicit song, which included lyrics about sticking his finger in someone’s anus, with shots of the kids from the earlier performance.
I know, he’s not a comedic genius. Besides, it was done better by The Whitest Kids You Know. Anyway, people got super pissed about his stunt and he eventually got charged with one felony count of manufacturing child pornography and was looking at a possible 20 years in prison and having to register as a sex offender. No joke.
Well, he ended up getting two months in jail after pleading guilty to a charge of…get this…unlawful posting of an Internet message with aggravating circumstances. After serving his sentence, he will also serve, two years probation, perform 200 hours of community service, attend mandatory counseling, pay fines and cannot be within 500 feet of children under the age of 17.…Continue Reading
Philadelphia, PA – La Salle University officials announced yesterday that Professor Jack Rappaport, has been suspended for allegedly hiring strippers to give lap dances at an extra-credit seminar on business ethics.
Rappaport, 57, reportedly charged students $150 each to attend the seminar, which was entitled “The application of Platonic and Hegelian Ethics to Business.”
According to Brad Bernardino, a sophomore at La Salle who attended the March 21 session, Rappaport was in the front of the classroom and three bikini-clad and miniskirted women were on top of him giving him a lap dance. Bernardino went on to say that the strippers gave willing students lap dances as a PowerPoint presentation related to business ethics ran in the background. The seminar ended abruptly after the business school’s dean showed up.
“I think everybody was in shock that it happened,” Bernardino said.
Specializing in management-information systems and production management, Rappaport also conducted research into the application of statistics into horse track betting – a fascination that bled over into many of his lectures, former students recalled.…Continue Reading