Teething Baby Licks Cocaine Off Spoon Found In Room At Motel 6
February 7, 2012 at 8:10 am by kniption
Virginia Beach, VA - When April Portis brought her 11-month-old, Jahmai, to Virginia Beach, VA to meet his grandparents for the first time, she expected the elegant splendor that only a Motel 6 can provide. Sadly, lurking behind the attentive wait-staff, the fine appointments, and seductively ornate decor was a dark side…
While the family was in their rented accomodation, the grandmother reportedly notice that the child – who is teething – had a spoon of unknown origin in his mouth.
“She looked at it and she’s like ‘look at this,’” Portis said. “I took it from her [and] the back of the spoon was all burnt up and [on] the top of the spoon was the residue from the cocaine on it.”
Portis called police who tested the spoon for cocaine. With the spoon testing positive, our jittery teether was then rushed to the hospital.
After returning from the hospital, Motel 6 executives dutifully refunded Portis the fee for that night and moved the family to another room. In a clear demonstration of their commitment to excellence, the new room was thoroughly inspected by one of the establishment’s personnel in the presence of the family.…
Continue ReadingWoman Tasered After Cutting In Line At McDonald’s Drive-Thru
February 6, 2012 at 7:55 am by kniption
Hope Mills, NC - Sheriff’s deputies were called to a North Carolina McDonald’s restaurant in response to a report of a customer blocking the drive-up window. Deputies say that they arrived to find Evangeline Marrero Lucca, 37, blocking the window while engaged in a stand-off with employees.
According to employees, the incident began with Lucca pulling up to the drive-up window without first ordering from the order screen and after bypassing the payment window. According to Debbie Tanna, a Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman, Lucca instead attempted to order her food directly at the pick-up window.
“She did not want to wait in line,” Tanna said. “They told her she had to go around and wait like everybody else did and place her order that way, that they weren’t set up at that window to take her order or take her money. … She wasn’t having any of that.”
“The woman refused to move her vehicle and became confrontational with the employees,” Tanna added.
Witness/Customer Anthony Rich said the employee at the payment window told him the woman frequently comes to the restaurant and cuts in line.…
Continue Reading
Huntington, WV - A Marshall University student has filed suit in Cabell County Court seeking compensation for injuries suffered in the unfortunate aftermath of an anal bottle rocket launch gone awry.
Louis Helmburg III claims that on May 1, 2011, he attended an Alpha Tau Omega house party with his girlfriend. At about 1:30 a.m., Helmburg says Alpha Tau Omega member Travis Hughes “decided that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus.”
The lawsuit says that, “instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in [Hughes'] rectum” causing Helmburg to be “startled,” “jump back,” subsequently fall off the balcony where the failed launch occurred. Helmburg then became “lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent the deck.”
Helmburg’s lawsuit claims that “firing bottle rockets out of one’s own anus constitutes an ‘ultra-hazardous’ activity,” a claim that clearly ignoring the thousands – nay, tens of thousands – of successful anal bottle rocket launches occurring on college campuses each year worldwide.
The lawsuit names The Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity Inc., of Huntington, West Virginia, and Travis Hughes, as defendants exposed to strict liability.…
Continue ReadingPageant Mother Files $30M Lawsuit Alleging ‘Sexualization’ Of Her Child By Media
January 31, 2012 at 12:34 pm by kniption
New York, NY - Susanna Barrett, pageant mother of 5-year-old “Toddlers & Tiaras” star Isabella Barrett, has filed a $30 million libel suit against three media outlets in which she claims that their reporting tried to ‘sexualize’ her youngster’s performance in an online video.
In response to the kindergartner’s ‘innocent’ rendition of the LMFAO song “I’m Sexy and I Know It,” Barrett claims that TMZ.com, The Huffington Post and London’s Daily Mail all “brazenly attempt to sexualize” the girl by “claiming she was gyrating in a nightclub and singing about her sex appeal.”
While the child was singing the song in a nightclub, and the song is a first person account of the singer being sexy, Barrett points out that her daughter does not, in fact, understand “sexiness.” Consequently, the media’s portrayal of her daughter’s performance as ‘sexy’ is, well, just crazy talk!
Not only that… the lawsuit points out that the youngster could not have been gyrating because “she was sitting down.” Well, duh, clueless media outlets!
The video can be seen below this article, if you would like to experience the mother’s outrage for yourselves.…
Continue ReadingSouth Carolina Man Jumped To His Death While Aboard Carnival Fantasy
January 31, 2012 at 10:41 am by Morbid
Charleston, SC – Some passengers on a Carnival cruise to the Bahamas had their vacation altered when one of their fellow passengers died after he jumped over a second floor railing and landed in the ship’s lobby.
Not a lot of information on what led to the 26-year-old tourist taking the fatal plunge while the Fantasy was docked in Nassau last Friday night, but one news article is calling it a suicide.
Another article has passengers on the ship saying there were multiple rumors floating around, including the man was despondent after losing money while gambling. Another report says the man fell after trying to jump from one floor to another.
Whatever the reason, the man’s last images were a depressing blur of white women with braided hair, neon, glass and marble as witnesses say he never regained consciousness after landing, and was later pronounced dead at the scene.
The ship departed Charleston, South Carolina on Wednesday for a five-day Bahamas cruise, but the Saturday trip to Freeport was cancelled as police continued their investigation. It returned to Charleston on Monday.…
Continue ReadingThe Unique And Now Non-Existent Correlation Between Disney And The Nazis
January 30, 2012 at 7:29 am by Kristy Jett
It all happened so fast, I barely had time to write about it let alone get my hands on one of these winners. Within two days of posting it to their webstore, Disney took it back down. Let me explain.
I came across this Pitchfork article the other day and nearly spit out my lunch. Without reading the details of the article and only seeing the image of the shirt I guffawed uncontrollably, more than mildly in shock as to what I was seeing. Disney had paid tribute to Ian Curtis, the lead singer of Joy Division who hung himself in 1980. In a sicker twist, without looking much more into the matter, Disney had unwittingly paid tribute to the Nazis.
All of this by ape-ing the cover of their Unknown Pleasures album which was released in 1979. Once music sites started sprouting up with the glaring contradiction to Disney’s “happiest place on earth” motif, they hastily removed it from their site and stores. A representative from Disney said “As soon as we became aware there could be an issue, we pulled it from our shelves and our online store to review the situation further.”
You’d think it was a far stretch but it’s not.…
Continue Reading
Los Angeles, CA – If you left a man’s severed head underneath the Hollywood sign, the Los Angeles police would like to have a word with you.
On Tuesday, two female hikers were walking nine dogs in Bronson Canyon Park when they noticed two of the dogs playing with an object in a bag. The object was a man’s severed head.
“One of the dogs ran into the brush and came out carrying a plastic grocery bag,” police Cmdr. Andrew Smith said. ”As the dogs shook the plastic grocery bag the severed human head fell out of the bag and onto the ground.”
Initial reports were that the head belonged to an Armenian American in his 40s with salt and pepper hair. Investigators do not feel the head was there long as there were no signs that any animals had gotten to it before the two dogs did.
Police were back out there today with cadaver dogs and found two severed hands they feel belong to whoever is also missing a head.…
Continue ReadingParent Threatens To Sic ACLU On School After Daughter’s Yearbook Photo Rejected
January 9, 2012 at 8:37 am by kniption
Durango, CO - The parent of a Colorado teen has threatened involving the ACLU after claiming that the rejection of her daughter’s submitted yearbook photo is “censorship.” This, of course, would represent a landmark expansion of the ALCU’s role – given that they have not previously undertaken litigation in the area of bad taste.
Sydney Spies, an 18-year-old dancer and aspiring model, submitted a photo of her standing on steps wearing a black shawl as a top and a short yellow skirt. The ensemble left her showing her bare middrif. Given that such a photo is entirely appropriate for Myspace a high school yearbook, you can imagine Ms Spies’ shock when she was informed that the photo was rejected.
The reason for the rejection was not clear, however. Ms Spies reportedly told local news media that school administrators said her attire violated dress code – specifically because her top didn’t “fully cover the chest, back, abdomen and sides of the student.” The yearbook staff disagreed.
“The administration really had nothing to do with it,” Tevan Trujillo, a student yearbook editor, told a local newspaper.…
Detroit, MI — Not a lot of info on this one, but police say a 19-year-old man burned himself to a Quisp in front of his family following a heated argument with his sister over cereal.
No word on what the actual tiff was about, but according to investigators, the man’s mother sided with his sister in the alleged argument, forcing him to take drastic measures.
The irritated teen reportedly walked downstairs and doused himself with lighter fluid before returning to the kitchen. Then, as his horrified siblings looked on, he set fire to himself. Way to milk it, kid! That’ll teach ‘em!
Family members extinguished the flames and performed CPR until paramedics arrived. Sadly, their Life saving efforts proved fruitless – he died at the hospital a short time later.
While it’s painfully obvious the kid lacked the Most basic of coping skills, investigators say he had no known mental issues. He did, however, have some sort of physical disability.
This is the kind of story that keeps me up at night.…
Continue ReadingFirefighters Watch Another Home Burn Because Of Unpaid Fire Protection Fee
December 8, 2011 at 3:48 am by kniption
Obion County, TN — Vicky Bell called 911 when a fire started in the trailer she shared with her boyfriend, but it didn’t lead to much. Because Bell and her boyfriend had not paid a fire protection fee, firefighters were not going to put it out. So, instead, the mobile home burned to the ground.
The nearby city is South Fulton. City residents automatically have fire protection but rural residents do not. They have to pay a $75 fure protection fee that is referred to as “pay for spray.” The mayor says it comes down to simple business. If they don’t collect fire fees, the fire department can’t survive and if they make exceptions to the rule, no one will ever pay the fee. South Fulton made the news last year for a similar incident.
“There’s no way to go to every fire and keep up the manpower, the equipment, and just the funding for the fire department,” Mayor David Crocker said.
But it was reported that the firefighters did go to the fire.…
Continue Reading
Chicago, IL – A Chicago news anchor had to release an apology to some angry viewers after saying that Santa Claus did not exist while live on-air.
FOX Chicago had just ran a segment on how the economy has affected parents and their ability to give their spoiled brats the Christmas gifts they’re asking for and how the Santa’s of the malls are being trained to handle it. Afterwards, news anchor Robin Robinson made a couple of statements that enraged some parents.
“Stop trying to convince your kids that Santa is Santa,” she said. ”That’s what my take is. Forget about it. That’s why they have these high expectations. They know you can’t afford it, so they’re going to ask some man in a red suit. There’s no Santa!”
As you can imagine, the news station received a flurry of phone calls from angry parents throwing hissy fits over the fact that Robinson had potentially shattered the retarded illusion they had crafted for their kids, some even saying she should be fired.…
Continue ReadingNo Charges Filed Against Woman Who Posed Nude Inside Dead Horse
November 1, 2011 at 1:23 pm by Morbid
Oregon – The 21-year-old Oregon woman who got naked and climbed inside the bloody carcass of a horse so that she could ”feel one with a horse” will not be charged with a crime as none were found to have been committed.
Police say the couple had recently taken over care of the 32-year-old horse in declining health and in an effort to humanely put it down and harvest the meat, they shot it with a high powered rifle. Then they broke out the camera and snapped a few photos.
A few of the photos show the blood drenched couple holding pieces of the dead horse while others, the really “wtf” ones, show the woman nude and inside the dead animal. And when I say inside, I mean “Luke Skywalker stuffed in his Tauntaun” inside.
If you want to look at the unedited photos, click here and do so, just be warned that they are nsfw and may be upsetting to some of you. A few of the pics look like someone gutted a horse and found that it had recently swallowed a naked blond with a nice ass whole.…
Continue Reading
Chicago, IL — Interesting news report out of Chicago where a man has died after he tried to remove his own pacemaker.
Channing Askew, 47, told a worker at the group home where he lived that he was experiencing chest pains and needed an ambulance. While the worker called for help, Askew went to his room and waited for the paramedics.
Once they arrived, Askew repeated that he was having chest pains and then fell unconscious in the ambulance. As paramedics tried to revive him, they took off his shirt and noticed a stab wound in his chest then notified police. Askew would never regain consciousness and died a short while later.
After he was examined at the hospital, a doctor told police that it looked as if Askew had actually stabbed himself with an unknown instrument in an effort to remove his pacemaker. Not surprisingly, police say Askew may have suffered from mental issues.…
Continue Reading
Bellingham, WA — Not a lot of meat to this one, but it’s interesting nonetheless. Besides, it kinda starts off like a really tasteless joke.
A man walked into a urologist’s office Thursday morning seeking medical assistance after apparently removing his own right arm with a homemade guillotine. The arm had been severed just below the shoulder.
Investigating officers, apparently familiar with the man, checked a wooded area near the urology clinic a short time later and found the missing limb and the guillotine in a transient camp. The victim, a homeless man in his 40′s, and the arm were airlifted to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle.
According to police, the guillotine was built with 2x6s at least 12 feet long, a few 2x4s and a construction-grade cutting device that was 2-feet-by-3-feet and half-an-inch thick. Part of the metal had been sharpened. Because police found gauze and tape near the contraption, they believe the act was intentional.
“A lot of thought and a lot of work and lot of preparation went into making this device and it was apparent this individual used this device to sever his own arm,” said Mark Young with Bellingham Police.…
Continue Reading
Vallejo, CA – No crime was committed in this story, but the visuals had me laughing my ass off this morning.
A 21-year-old was in Blue Rock Springs Park Friday night with friends when he bet $100 he could fit his ass into a child’s swing. You know, the plastic ones made for toddlers that are equipped with leg holes.
The man lubed himself up with some laundry detergent and successfully squeezed himself into the swing, winning the $100. Unfortunately, his winning will barely cover the costs of having to be rescued by Vallejo fighters. See, the man got stuck in the swing. Even worse, the man has douchebag friends who did what I would have done when they left him stuck in the swing.
He would not be found until 9 hours later after a park employee arrived and called police upon hearing the man’s screams for help. Ok, up to this point the story is kind of humorous to me. But what happened next is the hilarious part.…
Continue Reading
Dallas, TX — If you are the gentleman responsible for assaulting a woman with a frozen armadillo last month, police would like to have a word with you. So would I….
The assault apparently occurred at a Dallas apartment complex late last month after the suspect and victim argued of the price of the dead, frozen critter. According to police, at some point during the haggling, the suspect tossed the carcass at the woman – twice – hitting her in the leg and then in the chest.
The man reportedly fled after the incident, leaving the victim bruised and presumably carcassless. If and when he’s caught, police say he could be charged with assault.
Why all the violence over the deceased ‘dillo? The woman apparently wanted to dine on the overgrown roly poly. That leaves me with a few questions….
Up until this very moment, I had no friggin’ clue people actually consumed armadillos. (Call me unworldy, but the most exotic thing I’ve ever had in my mouth was attached to a French dude named Franck).…
Continue Reading
Dunsmuir, CA – A woman in California is suing a sex toy manufacturer claiming that she had to go to the hospital after one of their products turned her vagina into mush.
April Bonjour claims that she and her boyfriend were using a dildo from Pipedream Products during foreplay when she felt an “intense sharp” pain in her vagina. When her boyfriend withdrew the sex toy, it was covered in blood.
She initially thought she had started her period, but a box of sanitary pads and a few blood clots later, she realized it was something serious. When the bleeding would not stop, her boyfriend called 911. By the time paramedics arrived, Bonjour claims she was slipping in and out of consciousness and was given several pints of blood once at the hospital.
She filed a claim against the company after she contacted them about her experience with their product and wanted monetary compensation. Pipedream Products denied her claim. I can’t say I blame them as it sounds less like Bonjour was using one of their products and more like Bonjour had a miscarriage or her boyfriend was stabbing her vagina with a serrated knife.…
Continue ReadingWoman Nearly Gouges Own Eye Out While High On Fire Extinguisher Fumes
October 13, 2011 at 6:59 am by Jaded
Costa Mesa, CA– An unidentified 28-year-old woman has been hosipitalized in critical condition after police say she inhaled fumes from a fire extinguisher and attempted to gouge out one of her eyes.
Police responded to a Motel 6 Tuesday after receiving a report of a naked woman running through the halls. When they arrived at the motel, they found a screen removed from a window and blood on the floor in one of the rooms. The woman in question was found in the bathtub, still naked, huffing on a fire extinguisher while frantically scratching at one of her eyes. Police say she scratched so intensely she nearly ripped the eyeball from it’s socket.
“The officers were able to take life-saving measures to pull the fire extinguisher away fom her and render medical aid,” said Lt. Mark Manley. “We don’t know yet whether she was trying to get high or whether she was trying to commit suicide.”
Yeah, suicide…one piece at a time.
The woman was still in intesive care as of Wednesday afternoon.…
Continue Reading
Ocala, FL — Police have arrested a man who they believe has defecated on the stoop of a portable middle school classroom at least five times since early September. Rest easy tonight, Floridians…
The care packages began showing up outside the door of classroom 469 at Fort King Middle School on September 6th. On that day, he simply left behind a pile of poo. On his subsequent visits, Sept. 14, Sept. 19 and Sept. 27, the man not only left behind a pile of feces, but handwritten notes, too. On at least one occasion, a woman’s thong accompanied the steaming pile of excrement.
After the fourth incident, law enforcement officials set up a surveillance camera. The serial pooper did not disappoint.
Surveillance video shows a clean-cut white male approach the stoop at about 4:32 a.m. on Oct. 7. The man, armed with a roll of toilet paper, appeared to be a little spooked and left the area about three minutes later without making a deposit. But wait! What’s this? He reappears about a minute later and gets down to business, leaving behind a pile of crap and some sort of pamphlet.…
Continue Reading
Viareggio, Italy — A 46-year-old man who told doctors he was hearing voices reportedly gouged out his own eyeballs during Mass at St. Andrea’s in northwestern Italy Sunday.
According to witnesses, Aldo Bianchini stood up in the middle of the service and, to the horror of his fellow worshipers, yanked them peepers out with his bare hands before collapsing on the floor in a pool of his own blood.
The priest, Rev. Lorenzo Tanganelli, told Italian newspaper Corriere Fiorentino that “this man at the back of the nave started tearing at his face and I realised he was gouging out his eyes … I called for assistance and the paramedics were quickly at the scene, and he was taken away and then I carried on celebrating Mass, but a lot of people had left because they were so shocked by what they had seen.”
When emergency responders arrived, a “calm and lucid” Bianchini told them that a voice told him to rip his eyes out. I hear that same voice sometimes…usually when my neighbor is outside in his wifebeater and low-rise speedo.…
Continue Reading
