Rexburg, ID - Why I’m Going To Hell: Reason #1,635,439,200.5 – I think cat attacks are absofuckinlutely hilarious – even funnier than otter attacks. As a matter of fact, if I ever decide to bring a cat into my home, I’m going to be looking for a real pissed-off cunt of a cat. A cat that will go into attack-mode without reason. I want that little fucker to be all happiness and purrs one second and all vicious and bloodthirsty the next. I don’t want a cat that will hop up on my lap and get in the way of my computer monitor – I want the little asshole to sit in a corner, hissing and growling, just waiting for some unsuspecting human to pass by before angrily latching on to an ankle. And every time my awesome cat attacks, I will be there to capture the goodness on film. In between hysterical bouts of laughter, of course. I only wish the people in this story would have done the same.…Continue Reading
Bradenton,FL- This lovely creature who seems to be very pleased with herself is 54-year old Linda V. Johnson. Around midnight last Wednesday, a man’s 7-year-old child noticed Johnson outside a window of their home. When the man went outside to confront Johnson, he discovered that she had her pants down and was trying to hide in some bushes near the home. Johnson then left the property and the man followed her. This displeased Johnson and she then stopped, approached the man, and punched him twice in the face. The man held Johnson on the ground until police arrived on scene. Linda Johnson was arrested on a battery charge and was held on a $750 bond. Court records show Johnson was also arrested last month on charges of battery on a law enforcement officer and obstruction. Wow! She has looks, personality, and the impulsiveness to drop trou when the need arises! And here some say Florida is one of the worst states to live in. *eye-roll*…Continue Reading
Liverpool, UK- Remember the movie Weekend At Bernie’s? These two sneaky ol’ dames must have seen it because on Saturday, police arrested them when they tried to smuggle a dead relative onto a flight out of England. Like the movie, they must have thought, “Why don’t we just pretend he didn’t die? Just for a bit!” The women, aged 41 and 66, covered the deceased 91-year old man’s face with sunglasses and managed to travel with the dead guy in a taxi from their home in Oldham, northwestern England, to the terminal. Once there, they pushed the dead man in a wheelchair and tried to board a flight to Berlin at Liverpool’s John Lennon airport. When officials became suspicious and began probing the corpse, the women protested and claimed he was merely asleep.The women were detained on suspicion of failing to give notification of death of a 91-year-old man. They have been released on bail and police say inquiries are continuing.…Continue Reading
Memphis – This is some crazy shit right out of a bad movie. A mother of five went missing back in January and it turns out that for the last few months, her dead body had been hidden in the metal box frame of a bed in the motel room she had been living. Sony Millbrook had been reported missing back on January 27th after she failed to pick her kids up from school. Police began an initial investigation, but in the meantime Millbrook’s belongings were boxed up and the room at the Budget Inn rented back out at least five times since then. It wasn’t until this past Monday that police were called after employees began investigating a foul odor and discovered Millbrook’s corpse hidden in the bed. Police say it is apparent that she was the victim of a homicide, but have not released the cause of death. Her boyfriend, LaKeith Moody, was questioned early on and has been in jail ever since on a federal gun charge. He is a person of interest in Millbrook’s death.…Continue Reading
Las Cruces, NM- Well, here is a strange story to tickle your gag reflex. Shortly before 12:30 a.m.on March 11, a man was getting ready to leave for work when he unlocked his car door and realized his passenger side window was broken. Inside the vehicle, a strange man was sitting in the back seat with his pants and underwear pulled down to his ankles. The man asked the stranger what he was doing in his car and the stranger acted surprised and said he thought the vehicle belonged to someone else. The stranger immediately pulled up his drawers, hopped out of the car, and took off running. This was when the owner of the car realized how shitty his morning really was. Resting on the rear floorboard of the vehicle was a pile of freshly squeezed turds. I tell ya. If that’s not the shittiest way to ruin the ‘new car’ smell, I don’t what is. Police later caught up with the crappy crook when they found him walking near a ditch behind a business. Austin Horries Purifoy, 18, was charged with one count each of burglary of a vehicle and criminal damage to property.…Continue Reading
Columbus, Ohio – I so tried to get this story up on Friday, but shit just didn’t work out that way. But man, oh man, just when you think you have heard it all on this site you come across a story about an elderly man punching random kids at a Wal-mart.
Sixty-eight-year-old Ralph Conone was arrested at a Columbus Walmart Wednesday after a mother busted him popping her kid in the back of the head when she wasn’t looking. After her crying son told her what Conone had done, she followed him outside and brought him back into the store.
Police were called, surveillance footage reviewed, and sure enough, Conone could be seen punching multiple kids in the back of the head when their guardians were not looking. To make matters worse, he would punch them with keys protruding between his fingers.
Conone finally admitted to his actions and told investigators he had been doing this since January. The reason? It got him excited. “He stated that he does this because of the excitement of being able to do it and get away with it with the parents right there,” said Sgt.…Continue Reading
Candler, NC – According to the Enka Middle School’s Web site, Rex Roland has managed to survive for over a decade as a middle-school teacher–no reported episodes of showing up so hungover he had to vomit in the wastebasket during the math quiz, no indications he ever put lame-ass “old guy” moves on any pre-teen girl (or boy), no suggestion that 75% of the students in his classes are more successful than him at correctly spelling the word “literacy.” Truth is, Roland seems to see himself as one “groovy” teacher. As a teacher, he’s just one “cool cat.” He’s totally “with it,” he’s “straight,” he has his hand on the pulse of today’s youth, yo! Case in point: rather than write on the paper of Patty Clement’s daughter something so pathetically old school and passé like “Needs improvement,” he recently penned, in a moment of genius-level progressiveness and “I’m-so-down-with-today’s-youth” brilliance, the following: “-20% for being a LOSER.”…Continue Reading
New Jersey- Six women recently checked into area hospitals after they met with unlicensed providers and paid them for buttocks-enhancement injections. The women believed their rear ends were being injected with silicone, but instead their rumps were plumped with the same material contractors use to caulk bathtubs. Investigators began receiving reports of the fraudulent fannie fixers in mid-February and alerted state hospitals and doctors about the potential for more victims. All six women were from the Dominican Republic and the risky rump procedures occurred in hotels around the Newark area. The women suffered deep tissue infections and skin infections including abscesses that resembled a big zit. (Eew! I think I will have my next cup of coffee without cream.) Officials believe the injected mixture included silicone and petroleum jelly as well as hardware grade caulk. ( Ace Hardware must have had one helluva sale.) So far, no arrests have been made.…Continue Reading
Venice, FL - The 911 call came in just after 4:00 Thursday morning: Caller: Venice East Boulevard. Help!! Dispatch: What’s happening at Venice East Boulevard? Caller: There’s a man on the ground – an otter – I can’t get him off. Hurry please. Dispatch: There’s a man on the ground? Caller: Yes ma’am. Dispatch: And someone’s doing what? Caller: An otter’s got him. Dispatch: Who’s got him? Caller: An otter? Dispatch: An otter? Caller: O-T-T-E-R! Please hurry, I can’t keep him off him. Well now, that’s not something you hear every day, huh? Morrell Denton, 96, was taking a stroll that fateful Thursday morning when the pissed off otter crossed his path. “I just looked down on the ground and I saw this little animal walking across and he walked across real slow,” Denton said. “And I looked down there and he grabbed me by the leg,” he said. “When I fell is when he grabbed my hand. I tried to pull him off with the other hand and he got hold of that hand.…Continue Reading
NORWOOD, Pa – Who’d have thought that in one week, we would have FIVE teenaged girls die by train. Three girls died when they were unable to outrun a train on a trestle in Florida. But the deaths of Gina Gentile, 16, and Vanessa Dorwart, 15, may not have been an accident at all. Police say their deaths were the result of a suicide pact made between them and some other girls. They were all supposed to meet at the Norwood train station Thursday morning and end their lives. How many girls were a part of this pact is not known, but what is known is that Gentile, Dorwart and Kelly Cashwell left school that morning and were seen arguing on the train platform, one of them talking on a cell phone moments before their deaths. At around 10:30 a.m., a train traveling from Boston to Washington, D.C. hit the two 10th-graders killing them both as they stood on the tracks. Both of their cell phones were found on the scene intact and are currently in the hands of forensics.…Continue Reading
COPLEY, Ohio – Pretty sure this will be drug related, but still kind of creepy to think about. 18-year-old Ashley Quarterman was last seen leaving an EconoLodge Friday night or early Saturday morning after visiting with several groups of young people celebrating Valentine’s Day. When she never returned home, the family notified police. Police began a search and found Ashley behind a vacant building a half-mile from the hotel. She was found sitting in the snow, frozen and brain dead. She was taken to the hospital, but died from the extended exposure. An autopsy showed no signs of physical trauma, but the mother wants to know what happened that night and who let her wander off. You know what this story reminds me of? The story of Michael Wamsley and Janelle Hornickel. They were the couple that did meth then got lost in a snow storm, left their vehicle and then froze to death while talking to 911 and hallucinating.…Continue Reading
Forest Hills, NY – I think it’s pretty common knowledge that many serial killers pissed the bed and/or tortured or killed animals as children, and I’m sure that somewhere there is a CIA or FBI manual detailing the characteristics shared by all terrorists. You know, like, (and I’m making these up) a sense that the world is full of great but fixable injustices. Following a religious leader who espouses certain divisive beliefs. Having been sexually abused by a respected male adult. Toilet training difficulties. Doodling. Yes, especially doodling. Let me give you a case in point. On Monday, 12-year-old Alexa Gonzalez was sitting at her desk at Junior High School 190 waiting for her Spanish teacher to pass out homework. To pass the time, she wrote on her desk, “Lex was here. 2/1/10″ and added a little smiley face. Further, with an erasable marker, she wrote, “I love my friends Abby and Faith.” Fortunately, Forest Hill school authorities are on top of the terrorist-wannabe shit that is soooo seductive to today’s youth, and Gonzalez was led–in handcuffs–from her school to a nearby police precinct, where she was held and questioned for several hours before being released.…Continue Reading
Milwaukee, WI – My teen-aged kidlets have this really cute game they like to play with me – it’s called, “Let’s scare the bejusus outta Mom and take 10 years off her life!” And they’re good at it. I never know when one of the little shits scamps is going to jump out of the closet, cupboard, dryer, etc., and send me into fits of hysteria and tears. After reading this story though, they just might think twice. A 21-year-old man thought it would be funny to scare the crap out of his mother, so he donned a ski mask and waited for her to arrive home from shopping. He then confronted the 37-year-old woman behind their home and pretended to rob her. Mom pulled a .357 from the waistband of her pants and started shooting. Of the several rounds that were fired, two of them hit her son. One of them right to the groin. He’s been hospitalized, but there are no reports on his condition. A blue steel revolver with an obscured serial number was taken into evidence.…Continue Reading
Independence Township, MI – A 62-year-old man is hospitalized with second-degree burns to his face and significant damage to one of his eyes because copious amounts of alcohol and gunpowder are a bad mix. The injured man is reportedly known for doing crazy shit at his annual “sledding parties.” But at this particular party, that crazy shit left a helluva mark. After consuming an unknown amount of alcohol, the man decided to add a little rocket power to his sled. His recipe for disaster? Gunpowder, match heads and gasoline stuffed into a motorcycle muffler. He strapped the device onto his back, donned a motorcycle helmet, and assumed the position on his sled before asking a bystander to light the wick. At some point during the man’s descent down an embankment, the homemade rocket exploded – injuring his face and sending shrapnel in all directions. The Sheriff’s Office said the investigation remains open pending possible criminal charges.…Continue Reading
Greater Manchester - Detectives in Bury are searching for a man accused of smearing animal semen on teen-age girls in the area. Yes, you read that correctly. Animal semen. At least six separate smearing incidents have been reported – the first one in November, and the last one just last week. The first victim, a 14-year-old girl, reported that on November 13th, she was followed down a passageway by a strange man who asked her the time while standing uncomfortably close to her. When she arrived home, she noticed a sticky substance on the back of her tights – it was later determined that the substance was animal semen. The animal/s from which the semen was milked hasn’t been reported. The next incident was on December 7th. In that case, a 15-year-old girl reported feeling liquid on the back of her tights after a man approached her from behind. That same day, another 15-year-old girl was smeared. WTF? Does dude carry the shit around in a gallon jug, or what? And how in the hell did he amass such a large amount in the first place?…Continue Reading
TELLURIDE, Colo – Yeah, the title is very accurate. I can honestly say I have never heard of anyone dying this way. Fifty-year-old Mary Scott King was heli-skiing with a guide in the Mineral Creek Basin. For those of you who about to Google “heli-skiing,” it is simply backcountry downhill skiing in which a helicopter is used to get a skier to their starting point. Anyway, on their way down, King attempted to cross a creek and ended up falling in. The “freak” part of this accident is that her helmet became wedged in between two rocks, firmly holding her face under the water. Her guide was unable to free her and King drowned. This is also another way that I will add to my list of “Ways I Will Never Die.” “Drowning While Heli-Skiing” will go right along with “Bungee Cord Snapped,” “Parachute Didn’t Open,” and “Eaten by Great White Shark While Snorkeling off the Coast of South Africa”. I know, it may seem as if I am not out there “living,” but until you can add “Bleeding to Death After Having Genitals Eaten Off by Neglected, Vengeful Cat While Trapped By Collapsed Stack Of Entertainment Weeklys” to your list of probable deaths, you can shut the hell up.…Continue Reading
Bangor, PA – A teacher’s aide at Bangor Area High School is in a bit of a pinch after leaving her cell phone unattended. Seems the woman had taken a nekkid picture of herself and had it stored on her cell. Someone got a hold of that unattended cell phone at a non-school event, scrolled through the picture files, hit pay dirt, and started forwarding said nudie pic to students at the high school. The picture was then forwarded to damn near every one in town. “My sister’s seen it. Actually, my dad came home and said that people were passing it around,” said Bangor Area High School student Adrianna Carpelli. The woman, a six-year employee of the school district, is now being asked to resign from her position. And they ain’t asking her real nice like, either. Bangor Area Superintendent John Reinhart says that if the woman doesn’t resign on her own, she will be terminated. He seems to think her ability to work with district teens “has been compromised.” Why, you ask?…Continue Reading
New York – Now, if you happen to be a homeless, drug-addicted scourge on the streets of New York, your luck just improved!!! New York City’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene has spent $32,000 of taxpayers’ money to produce a how-to guide for shooting heroin! Yes, you heard right. 70,000 copies of this handy little 16-page guide featuring comic illustrations have been published to help you along. The guide teaches you how to prepare your drugs, how to care for your veins so they don’t get infected, prepare your veins for injection (jump up and down to warm your body and see the veins), and other nifty little nuggets needed for the shooting up of various intravenous drugs. Oh, and if you miss the vein the first time, the pamphlet suggests that you keep on trying until you get it right! Wow, way to care for your citizens, Big Apple. Thanks. …Continue Reading
Plymouth, Devon – During my time here at the Dreamin’ Demon, I have amassed loads of interesting tidbits and information about the more depraved members of society. What I will do with that knowledge in the future is anyone’s guess, but for the time being, let’s just say I’m a hit at parties. A personal favorite of mine, aside from nekkid hyjinx, are fetishes. Admittedly, I was a fetish virgin before I happened upon this fantasstic website – I mistakenly thought fetishes involved nothing more than food, feet, and feathers. Heh…I was so wrong. Seems that there is a booty-sniffer on the loose in the UK. He is described as a bespectacled 5′ 9″ balding ginger weirdo in his 40′s. Surveillance video captured Mr. Weirdo sniffing the ass of a 20-year-old male grocery store employee as he was bent over stocking shelves. The video shows the strange little man pretending to pick up items from shelves before nosing in on the young employee’s brown eye and taking a whiff. On one occasion, the butt-sniffer’s nose actually made physical contact with the employee’s ass.…Continue Reading
SACRAMENTO, California - Someone needs to turn their kid in for a better one. An 11-year-old kid crawled into a gun safe on display in a Costco store. Somehow, the door was shut, locking him inside. Employees tried to get the door open but were experiencing difficulties so they called the fire department who were ready to start drilling holes into the safe to give some kid air if needed. Employees were finally able to free the kid who was unharmed and now Costco will be changing the way they display the gun safes in the store to make sure this doesn’t happen again. You know those warning labels that tell you not to drink the drain cleaner, not to place buttered bread in the toaster or that a product will be hot after heating? Thank kids like this. Also, I have found that the Costco gun safe doubles well as a bed for chicks ordered from the Phillipines – it’s a little roomier than what they are used to and I sleep a little better knowing that they wont take the keys to my ’96 Lumina and leave in the middle of the night.…Continue Reading