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Neon, KY — A man accused of breaking into a Food World IGA was taken into custody after police found him inside the store, butt-nekkid and covered in chocolate and peanut butter.

Ok, he wasn’t totally nekkid….he was wearing a pair of black boots.

According to the police report, 22-year-old Andrew Toothman entered the store early Tuesday morning by breaking the glass in the front door. Once inside, he layered himself in peanut butter and chocolate taken from the shelves.

Police noted the human peanut butter cup also discharged several fire extinguishers throughout the store and wrote “sorry” on the floor with Nyquil.

Store manager David Whitaker estimates the damages are somewhere in the $1,500 range. That’s a lot of Skippy!

Toothman was booked on charges of burglary, criminal mischief and indecent exposure, and has been ordered held on $25,000 bond.

This won’t come as a surprise to some of you, but I have often contemplated beginning my criminal career the same way – with the addition of a few well-placed raisins, a tin foil sword and a riding lawnmower.…

Bartlesville, OK – Patrons at an Oklahoma grocery store got a surprise when George Edward Brown, 51, exposed himself in front of the in-store bank.

The free show reportedly began last Sunday around 1:13 p.m. at the Food Pyramid grocery store when Brown – described as wearing a coon skin cap at the time – let it all hang out in front of the Bank of Oklahoma desk in a possible form of protest.

As Bartlesville is a good-sized town, residents are not without the opportunity to attend male revues. Still, an opportunity to see a truly professional display of raw Chippendale’s-quality masculinity free-of-charge is not to be passed up by the ladies. Sadly for Brown, by blocking the bank’s desk, he inadvertently cheated himself out of what could have been tens – nay, hundreds – of singles stuffed into his welcoming pouch.

Officers were dispatched after a presumably unappreciative few reported him for indecent exposure. When police arrived, they reportedly found Brown again facing the bank counter in the ‘busy store with many people around him.’ The arrest affidavit said that – when asked to turn around – Brown complied with his credit union member “completely exposed through a hole in the front of his jeans.”

Police arrested Brown on a charge of indecent exposure.…

Phoenix, AZ — Thurman McGriff was taken into custody Saturday after witnesses say he received or pretended to receive a blowjob from a puppy.

Police initially responded to the area in response to a report that a man was exposing himself in public. And after interviewing a couple of witnesses, an adult and a 9-year-old boy, learned that McGriff, 54, may or may not have used a puppy’s mouth to pleasure himself.

Both witnesses reportedly told police they saw McGriff expose himself while holding the puppy, claiming that, at one point, the man used, or acted like he was using, his new puppy’s mouth to pleasure himself.

When McGriff realized the young’un was watching him, he reportedly threatened to do the same thing to him if he didn’t stop staring.

McGriff was booked into jail on one count of indecent exposure, one count of bestiality and one count of sexual indecency with an animal.…

Norman, OK — Jeffery Don Watson, 48, was arrested earlier this month after an employee at Modern Maternity in Penn Square Mall told police he exposed himself to her as he tried on bras and dresses.

According to the victim, the bizarre incident occurred back in late December. Watson apparently needed a little help adjusting a baby bump, a prosthetic belly that replicates the shape of a woman’s stomach during different stages of pregnancy, and called the woman back to the dressing room area.

While she was presumably tending to his baby bump, he reportedly grabbed her hand, asked for her digits and suggested the two have lunch together. The woman told police she declined his most gracious offer. No word on whether she snortgiggled first.

Watson then approached the cash register with his selected items. After paying for the merchandise, he reportedly told the woman he had some additional clothing he wanted to try on and returned to the dressing room.

The woman told police Watson again asked for assistance. …

Chicago, IL — Edward Brown, 34, was busted last Thursday after reportedly exposing himself to a theater filled with parents and children watching “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.”

According to witnesses, about 30 minutes into the 4:00 p.m. showing, a butt nekkid Brown rose from his seat in the front row, faced the crowd of about 86 Chipmunk fans, stretched out his hands and displayed his package before returning to his seat.

A couple of police officers just happened to be patrolling nearby and Brown was taken into custody within minutes.

When questioned, Brown reportedly told officers that he had been allowed inside the movie theater for free by an unknown female who told him to take a seat in the front row, take off his clothes and wait for her, and they would have sex, smoke crack and do heroin. Great. Unknown bitch went and stole my line….

Brown is being held in the Cook County Jail in lieu of $100,000 bail, charged with three felony counts of sexual exploitation of children, aged 4, 6 and 6, one misdemeanor count of sexual exploitation of a minor aged 14, and one misdemeanor count of disorderly conduct.…

Langhorne, PA – Police have charged John Hardy, 45, of suburban Philadelphia after he allegedly attempted to snatch a 3-year-old out of the back of the car of a woman whom he did not know. This after an apparent road rage incident. …and before he reportedly got naked. If you are near a dry erase board, uncap a marker and try to keep up…

According to a probable cause affidavit, a Pennsylvania mother-of-three told police she was driving with her children – ages 3, 8 and 15 – when a white pickup truck cut her off several times. The woman reported that she drove into a shopping center where she maneuvered her car behind the pickup in an effort get a photo of the truck’s license plate using her cell phone.

According to court documents, when the driver of the pickup truck – Hardy – saw her take the picture, he ‘became agitated’ and blocked her car behind a vacant store. Hardy then reportedly got out of his truck and screamed profanities and threats while approaching her car.…

Oklahoma City, OK – The Oklahoma Supreme Court has upheld a ruling that former Judge Donald D. Thompson will not have a $7,789-a-month judicial pension benefit reinstated.

Thompson had served as a judge from 1982 to 2004. The benefit was suspended at the time of Thompson’s conviction and incarceration on a number of felony charges. Thompson reportedly filed two separate appeals to get his retirement benefits reinstated, but the Oklahoma Supreme Court ruling Tuesday is the final word…and that word is “no.”

Here are the details…

According to the complaint filed against Thompson in 2004, the exposure of Thompson’s private parts in his court room were, apparently, quite common.

“Court reporters observed the felonious exposure of Mr. Thompson’s private parts, and testified to the fact during the criminal trial. That trial resulted in conviction of felonies. Those felonies violated Mr. Thompson’s oath of office,” Justice James Winchester wrote in the high court’s unanimous decision.

The original complaint described court employees witnessing Thompson masturbating, using a penis pump, and putting lotion on his privates while presiding over trials.…

Cambridge, MA — Joseph P. Macdonald, 32, was arrested last week after his attempts to organize an impromptu block party were spurned by his unimaginative neighbors. …and we wonder why America lacks a “sense of community.”

The evening of October 3 began innocently enough when MacDonald reportedly came out of the isolation of his apartment to urinate on the front steps of the building. At his point, you might expect that his neighbors would inquire as to how the urinating was going or even join in – as that would be the polite thing. But, no. Completely out of the blue, some of his neighbors reportedly yelled at him to stop.

After a verbal exchange that we will simply describe as “unpleasant,” Macdonald reportedly returned to his apartment.

Not to be discouraged and clearly clinging to the notion that the concept of the neighborhood is not dead, Macdonald reportedly returned to the street. This time – while wearing only a T-shirt and peach-colored lace panties – police said Macdonald began masturbating in the middle of the street and calling out to the other residents to ‘come outside and join him.’ Ungrateful, neighbors called police.…

Prairie du Sac, WI — Carl W. Lemm Jr., 56, was jailed after reportedly being found sitting nude on his neighbor’s enclosed patio.  According to the criminal complaint for the case, the woman told a Sauk Prairie police officer that on Sept. 11 at about 1:30 a.m. she went to let her dogs out onto her patio. When she turned on a light, she discovered Lemm sitting naked in one of her chairs.

Lemm reportedly told the neighbor he had been thinking about her, that he had been watching her on a previous night, and had seen her ‘wearing pink bikini underwear as she walked around the house.’

Temptress!  What can you expect when wearing pink bikini underwear in rural Wisconsin?!

The woman also told the officer that Lemm knew what she had been watching on television in her second-floor bedroom. The woman took the opportunity to report to the officer that – several weeks before the patio incident – she saw Lemm walking in front of her house naked.…

Sarasota County, FL — A Comcast cable installer was booked on exposure charges Tuesday night after a female customer accused him of jerkin’ his gherkin’ in her living room late last month when he was supposed to be hooking her sh*t up.

According to the 24-year-old victim, Shane Wheatley arrived at her home on July 31 to hook her up with cable and internet. At some point during the installation, Wheatley reportedly began touching himself through his shorts. The woman told police she looked away, but when she looked back, he was fully exposed. She said he then began masturbating while staring and smiling at her. Out the door she went.

Wheatley denied the accusations and requested a polygraph to clear his name. But based on the results of the investigation, the sheriff’s office believed they had probable cause to arrest Wheatley for the alleged fappage. He’s been charged with exposure of sexual organs.

Huh…I feel a little cheated. All I ever got was a free month of Starz.


Orangeburg, SC — Police responded to an Orangeburg County home Saturday afternoon after a homeowner called to report that a naked stranger had attempted to break into his home – that same stranger reportedly hinted that he would maybe like to have sex with the homeowner’s wife.

The homeowner told deputies the unidentified nekkid man appeared at his back door at about 2:00 that afternoon, and with the aid of a stick, attempted to gain entry through the man’s back door.

At that point, the nekkid stranger reportedly pointed at the woman of the house and “started moving in a hunching motion.” Hunching. Heh.

The nekkid man then “crudely” informed the homeowner that he wanted to have sex with the woman, armed himself a bigger stick and threatened to “ram the door.”

While deputies were speaking with the homeowner, the still unidentified nekkid man approached from behind the house – after a bit of a struggle, the man was handcuffed and transported to the hospital for an examination.

Police believe the 33-year-old man may have been under the influence of drugs.…

Fredericksburg, VA – Daryl Haynes, 31, got himself in a bit of trouble after deciding to take a piss in the corner of a yard this past week. Seems innocent enough…

It all began at about 10:50AM on Thursday when – according to a police spokesperson – an off-duty Fredericksburg Police Deputy observed Haynes urinating in the back corner of a neighbor’s yard.

The deputy, Officer Billy Reyes, said that he had just finished mowing his lawn and, at first, decided to ignore the public urination. Then he reportedly saw Haynes shaking his penis while talking loudly to some people across the street from him. Not good. The deputy said that Haynes behavior upset him, in part, because “there are children in the neighborhood.”

Officer Reyes said he confronted the Haynes. Haynes – clearly an expert at diffusing awkward situations – responded by swearing at Reyes and threatening bodily harm. Officer Reyes then reportedly informed Haynes he was a law enforcement officer. Haynes responded by throwing several unlanded punches at Officer Reyes.…

An 18-year-old member of the U.S. Ski Team got himself into a little trouble the other day after he drunkenly pissed on the leg of an 11-year-old passenger during a JetBlue flight to New York.

Witnesses say that during a red-eye flight from Oregon, Robert Vietze, of Warren, Vt.,  got up and staggered five rows behind him before pulling out his junk and pissing on a young girl’s leg.

Vietze had to be separated from the child’s father, a Stage 4 cancer patient, who had left the girl alone while he correctly used the bathroom and returned to find Vietze pissing on his daughter’s leg.

“F- -k that kid. I don’t want him near my family!” the understandably enraged man reportedly yelled.

Vietze admitted to law-enforcement authorities that he had consumed more than eight alcoholic beverages before he relieved himself on the girl and that he didn’t realize what he was doing.

Vietze was initially issued a federal summons for indecent exposure, but federal prosecutors dropped the case, possibly because the girl’s father refused to let her be interviewed by cops.…

Cheadle, UK – Nicholas Read, 40, who had been convicted of indecent exposure last month, was given a 20-week jail term as punishment.  It was then suspended by the UK court official who stated that jail ‘would not help him.’

Read is an actor who, up until this incident, was best known for his work in the Harry Potter and Star Wars films – having played both a Gringotts goblin and an Ewok warrior.  The life of an Ewok warrior is understandably hard.  Sadly, this Ewok warrior’s fall from grace was evident by his conviction for mastubating under a bowler hat while traveling on a UK passenger train last October.

On that fateful day, Read was reportedly traveling between London and Leicester by train.  Court documents say that Read seated himself in an aisle seat next to a teenage girl at the window.  Read was convicted for covering his lap with his bowler hat and stroking his mini-mini-me for “30 to 40 minutes” while effectively “trapping” his victim.

Inspector Mark Clements of British Transport Police said, “Read’s actions were deplorable.  …

Gurnee, IL — Kyle Plemons, 24, was recently arrested after an incident at a restaurant where a waiter refused to serve him a second beer.

An employee at Mama K’s restaurant told police he served Plemons a beer but, after conversing with the suspect, decided that Plemons was intoxicated and refused to serve him a second.

When he was informed that he would not be served, Plemons reportedly began yelling and causing a disturbance – because causing a loud disturbance is an excellent way to get served alcohol. Oddly, he was escorted out of the restaurant.

In an obvious effort to further demonstrate to the waiter that he was, in fact, sober and clear thinking, Plemons next positioned himself in plain view of the glass window at the front of the restaurant, and proceeded to wag his exposed johnson towards the patrons inside, said Gurnee Police Commander Jay Patrick. Those aren’t Patrick’s exact words.  ..but they are pretty close.

Plemons self-imposed field sobriety test was not only witnessed by the patrons inside the restaurant – he happened to be standing next to a car of a woman loading her children to leave when he exposed himself, Patrick said.…

Ukiah, CA – Clarence Christmas, 39, was arrested after police reportedly found him in the corner of a Curves Fitness Center, nude from the waist down, and masturbating.

Police were responding to a call from a Curves employee expressing how much they had not liked Christmas showing up unannounced and fapping his junk for all to see.

The Curves employee had originally told Christmas to leave or she would call police, but instead he grabbed her by the shoulder, police said.  According to police, Christmas ‘grabbed her buttocks’ when she turned away to get a phone to call police. He also is accused of touching a Curves patron while masturbating, police said.

You may be surprised to learn that this is not Chistimas’ first offense.  Christmas had been arrested in May 2010 when he was found without pants or underwear masturbating while watching a California Department of Corrections crew eradicating weeds and brush along the railroad tracks in Ukiah, police said.

For that incident, he was arrested for indecent exposure, possession of a methamphetamine smoking pipe and parole violation. …

Palmerton, PA — Timothy Shelly, a registered sex offender, pleaded guilty in court Thursday to four counts of indecent exposure. The man obviously can’t keep it in his pants – police say has admitted to exposing himself nearly 100 times in area stores.

On September 11, police received a report of a man exposing himself at a K-Mart store. The store security guard told police the man had followed a young girl though the store, exposed himself to her and may have touched her.

When the 10-year-old victim was interviewed, she told police she was looking at birthday cards when the man approached her with his package out. The girl said she tried to move away from him, but he followed her and bumped against her. She ran to her mother and security was alerted.

Shelly reportedly told police he goes to a store such as K-Mart or Target, finds a girl he likes and exposes himself. He said he sometimes brushes against ’em. He didn’t remember if he actually touched the 10-year-old, but said he probably did.…

STRABANE, Pa. — Randy Wayne Northcutt, 43, was charged after North Strabane Township police say he repeatedly exposed himself in front of a fourth-floor window overlooking a Doubletree Hotel courtyard on Saturday afternoon. This with a wedding going on below.

Investigators say the hotel manager went to Northcutt’s room to inform him that there was a wedding ceremony outside – with young children in attendance – and asked him to close his curtains. A few minutes later, the manager reportedly received another complaint.

The bride’s uncle told police that Mr. Northcutt was fully nude, exposing his genitals to the wedding group for about 10 minutes, according to the affidavit. Wedding guests also told police that Northcutt fondled himself several times. I am sure that the guests will cherish the memories of that special day forever.

Northcutt is being held on $5,000 bail on charges including indecent exposure and open lewdness.…

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