Investigators were called to St. Francis Hospital last Wednesday after receiving a report about an accidental shooting. Upon making contact with Adam Hirtle, however, they learned the horrible truth — it wasn’t an accident.*dundunduuuun*
Hirtle apparently informed the responding officers that he had intentionally shot himself in the foot. He told police he walked into his garage that evening and, for whatever reason, removed his boot and shot it with a .22. He then returned the boot to his foot and pulled the trigger again, injuring himself. Kinda. I mean, it was a .22.
He’s been arrested on suspicion of a prohibited use of a weapon, reckless endangerment and child abuse. The last charge had me scratching my head for a minute — I’m assuming there were young ‘ens somewhere in the vicinity.
Stupid may not hurt a lot, but I’m guessing it stings a little….…
Corvallis, OR — The not-so-hot mess to the left is 24-year-old Dawn Lohmann — she was arrested on numerous charges after allegedly going all neanderthal and beating the crap out of a disabled vehicle on I-5 Sunday, as the driver and passenger watched in horror.
The vehicle’s passengers, a 53 and 61-year-old woman, were out doing whatever it is women that age do on a Sunday morning, when their car ran out of gas on the highway. As the two woman dialed for help, Lohmann, barefoot, approached the car.
The two women wisely rolled up the windows and locked the doors. In response, Lohmann reportedly dropped her pants, exposing her lady bits to the women. And then it got weird…..
After dropping trou, Lohmann, barefoot and presumably pantless(?), took off across the highway.
She reappeared just moments later and jumped on the hood of the car. She then began jumping up and down, the women later told police. No word on whether any grunting, growling was involved. Also unknown, whether the words HULK or SMASH was used at any point.…
Bethlehem, PA – Tiffany E. Sherry, 24, is charged with aggravated assault, reckless endangerment, terroristic threats and harassment after allegedly stabbing her boyfriend, Michael Martinez, with whom she shares two children.
The stabbing was reportedly a response to Martinez smacking Sherry’s sunburned rump as she washed dishes in their home on Monday. Martinez told police that he meant it as a “joke,” since he knew it would sting a bit, but it became apparent that only one of them found it amusing when Sherry allegedly began threatening him with a steak knife.
Martinez says that he backed into the living room where their two children were and asked her, “What are you going to do? Stab me in front of the children?” That was a good question, for which Sherry had an excellent answer. She simply asked the children to leave the room.
Once they were gone, Sherry reportedly poked Martinez in the stomach with the knife…then in the shoulder…and when he turned to get away, the back.
Something tells me there was a little more to this story than just a sunburned ass sustaining a playful slap.…
Dupont, PA – Tiffany Ann Horner, 33, was arraigned on Thursday at Wilkes-Barre Central Court on charges that she attempted to disarm a police officer who was investigating a disturbance outside Bobby O’s restaurant on May 11th.
Police arrived at her residence following a call to police about the unusual goings-on at the aforementioned restaurant. No word on what that disturbance was, but I’m betting it was something good based solely on subsequent acts performed by the inimitable Ms. Horner.
When police arrived, they say she immediately began taunting them, which I’ve found is always the best way to ensure that everything is going to work out a-okay. The verbal taunting wasn’t enough for Ms. Horner, apparently, because she then reportedly proceeded to strip completely naked and drop a growler right on the floor. I’m guessing the officers were kind of okay with all this, but Ms. Horner’s a firecracker, people, and she crossed the line by allegedly attempting to throw her bakery-fresh fecal matter at them. Personally, I think she’s probably a nice girl with a slightly unhealthy GG Allin obsession; or maybe she’s just in touch with her inner German.…
The traps were discovered on April 16th by U.S. Forest Officer James Schoeffler while investigating reports of suspicious activity along Big Springs Trail. He had been checking out a popular, makeshift dead-wood shelter when he found the first trap.
“As he investigated the shelter he noticed what appeared to be a trip wire near the ground at an entrance. Upon further investigation he discovered that the trip wire led to a booby trap device which was made with a large rock, sticks sharpened at both ends, and was held together with rope,” said a statement issued by the Utah County Sheriff’s Office.
If the wire had been tripped, the boulder was designed to swing at head height. Schoeffler, using his experience as a a bomb disposal technician, decided to check around for more traps.
“Typically, anywhere I’ve been, if there’s one, there’s two, if there’s three, there’s four,” Schoeffler said.…
HOOKSETT, NH – 18-year-old Nicholas Richer is an idiot. I just wanted to make that clear before continuing. On Monday, Richer, after reportedly cut another driver off during an illegal lane change maneuver at the Hooksett toll plaza of I-93, exchanged some less-than-congratulatory hand gestures and words with the victim of his vehicular misdeed. We’ve all seen that happen any number of times and, as we know, cooler heads usually prevail and the disagreement ends without incident.
However, according to the police report, Richer made a decision during the minutes-long debacle that almost cost a couple of lives. He reached for a flare gun that he had within arm’s reach for some inexplicable reason, and pointed it out the window at the other driver. No shot was fired at that point, but when he brought the gun back into the car, it discharged, almost striking a 16-year-old passenger seated next to him. The flare struck the windshield, shattering it, and ignited the seat in which the young passenger was sitting.…
Brooklyn, NY – On September 28, a 2-week-old boy died at Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn. A subsequent investigation by the medical examiner office led to a determination of the official cause of death to be, “disseminated herpes simplex virus Type 1, complicating ritual circumcision with oral suction.”
This is basically a fancy way of saying that the newborn died after a rabbi with herpes cleaned the baby’s freshly circumcised penis with his mouth. Despite this sounding like a really good idea… it turns out that it is not.
Far from being some new fad, the ritual of oral suction — or in Hebrew, metzitzah b’peh — was first described some 1800 years ago in a section of the Talmud. The procedure is spelled out very clearly – as is the consequence of not doing it correctly.
If a surgeon does not suck, it is dangerous and he is dismissed.
Taken literally, the procedure occurs during the circumcision ritual as the practitioner, or mohel, removes the foreskin of the penis.…
Erik Cain, 30, apparently got all kinds of slashy with his brother Wednesday evening after learning said brownie had been cut in half. Angered at the sight of the mutilated confection, Cain reportedly armed himself with three steak knives and went to work on his sibling, slashing the man on his forearm, wrist and shoulder.
The slashee, Gene Cain, told police he feared his brother was going to kill him, so he threw a television set at him in retaliation.
Cain was later arrested on charges of aggravated assault, simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment and disorderly conduct. Interestingly enough, police say Cain was out on bail on charges he had slashed his girlfriend last month.
Since I can’t seem to find any information on the victim’s condition, I have to assume the wounds were somewhat superficial. If anything, the man learned a very important lesson – never lay a finger on an unstable slasher’s chocolate.…
Radnor, PA — A teacher at Presbyterian Children’s Village, a school that caters to children victims of violence, neglect and other serious conditions, was arrested last week after another school employee witnessed him sockin’ a female student in the face.
According to police, on January 23, 41-year-old Richard Little requested help from an on-duty supervisor at the center for help with a student who was throwing chalk at him. When the supervisor entered the classroom, he saw chalk on the floor and told Little to leave the room.
The supervisor told police Little then grabbed the girl, dragged her into the hallway and began punching her in the face, causing her to bleed. Other staff members intervened and Little was escorted out of the building.
Both Little and the student were transported to the hospital for treatment. The extent of the girl’s injuries are unknown, but police say Little’s hands and fingers had blood and teeth marks indicative of punching someone in face.
Little posted $100,000 bail after being arraigned on charges that included aggravated assault, simple assault and reckless endangerment.…
Philadelphia, PA – Mayra Flores, 19, Ana Mireles, 18, and Sandra Ortiz, 18, have pleaded guilty to charges related their presenting a birthday cake to a classmate that was frosted with human feces. The classmate and her family – who got sick from eating the cake – were not happy.
According to court records, the three girls and a fourth unidentified juvenile girl – students at Avon Grove High School – gave a cake to a classmate on March 23, her birthday. The girl reported that Ortiz, Flores and Mireles and the fourth girl ‘repeatedly’ tried to get her to eat a piece of it in front of them and that she finally did eat a small piece.
Court documents say that the birthday girl then brought the cake home with her where she, her mother, and three siblings each ate some of it. Because of the taste, the family decided to throw the cake in the garbage. As the cake began to smell even worse, the girl decided to take it out of the trash, wrap it up, and bring it to school with her the following day where she showed the cake to a teacher.…
When police arrived at the couple’s trailer Saturday evening, they found Anna Hibbs bleeding from a gash on her forehead. She informed the responding officer that while she was holding her 2-year-old daughter, her husband shoved her to the ground and popped her in the head with the gun.
When she tried to get back on her feet, Harry reportedly pointed the gun at her and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, the gun jammed.
Harry was transported to the pokey and charged with attempted murder, reckless endangerment and assault. Bail has been set at $500,000.
Anna reportedly received five stitches to the forehead and made it back home in time to tend to her crops.…
Police say that 28-year-old Shanla (or Shayla) Jamie Sutherland and her two young children, ages 3 and 5, were inside a minivan being driven by 28-year-old Leah Louise Porter. They were on their way to meet a man in the parking lot of a Rite Aid to sell some prescription drugs.
According to police, as Sutherland and Porter were negotiating the sale with 30-year-old Brandon Schott Donahue, who had pulled up alongside them in the parking lot, the 3-year-old grabbed a loaded shotgun they’d found and fired off a round through the minivan’s roof.
Reports that the child was demanding a fresh Pull-ups® when discharging the weapon have not yet been substantiated. (I’m betting the adults wished they’d been wearing a fresh Pull-ups® – Morbid)
Sutherland immediately pulled her two kids out of Porter’s minivan, who then drove off, and placed them in the backseat of Donahue’s ‘s car before she ran inside the Rite-Aid.…
According to the arrest report, an unnamed individual was sitting on a barstool on the sidewalk nearby when it happened. Police say that person had to leap from the stool and “barely escaped being struck.” Lee then, allegedly, drove away.
“Barely” appears to be the correct word. According to police, they later located Lee with a stool embedded into the grill of his truck.
According to the arrest report, Lee’s license was expired, he couldn’t show proof of insurance and smelled strongly of alcohol. In what appears to be an admission of guilt, police say that Lee also told them this was his fourth DUI. Police confirmed this through computer records.
Lee, in fact, was out on a $5,000 cash bail from a past charge when this incident occured.
Lee was charged with wanton endangerment, leaving the scene of an accident, operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol or drugs, failure to maintain insurance, operating a motor vehicle on a suspended license, operating a motor vehicle without proper registration plates and violating the conditions of his release.…
According to the arrest affidavit, the child’s mother noticed the kid was missing at about 4:30 Wednesday evening and immediately called police. Officers arrived at the complex and began a door-to-door search. When they knocked on Vaughn’s door, he claimed he hadn’t seen the child. But just moments later, another officer reported seeing Vaughn holding the child outside his second-story window, then dropping him to the ground.
“And the child came walking through here crying, and they ran up there. And Sean was screaming, ‘I didn’t do nothing,’ but the screen was busted out and you could see everything,” said neighbor Reggie Edwards. “So it’s just a horrible story.”
Fortunately, the child was not seriously injured – he landed on his feet and suffered nothing more than a sprained ankle.
When questioned, Vaughn admitted to luring the boy into his apartment with the promise of toys.…
Fond du Lac, WI — A 9-year-old girl came to the aid of her mother by stabbing Jason Fields, 27, in the back for the second time in two years. The woman and Fields have a child in common.
It all began when police were called to the woman’s home last week after Fields jumped on the woman’s car and broke the windshield. According to the complaint, police left after Fields gave the woman money for the windshield and assured them that he would leave the home for the day. He did not.
The couple started fighting shortly after police left. Fields is accused of strangling the woman and holding a knife to her throat, threatening to kill her. As Fields was threatening her, police say the 9-year-old girl plunged a kitchen knife into Field’s back – he then dropped his knife in response.
According to the complaint, the 9-year-old girl told police she was not upset by the incident as she had stabbed Fields in the leg two years earlier when he also was hurting her mother.…
Staten Island, NY — Rasheen “Illuminati” Harrison is facing numerous charges after police say he covered his ex-girlfriend’s door with his own feces and set fire to the nasty mess. ‘Cause nothing says “fuck you” quite like a little fecal flambé, right?
Authorities claim the jilted poo-flinger entered the ex’s apartment building early Sunday morning and took the elevator to her sixth-floor apartment. On the ride up, Harrison reportedly got nekkid and proceeded to take a dump.
When the elevator dropped him at the desired floor, police say he grabbed a handful of shit and smeared it all over the woman’s door. He then deposited his clothing on the floor in front of the door and set fire to both the clothing and the poo while screaming, “I’m going to set your house on fire and this whole building down with you in it!”
Police say the woman and her two young children were inside the apartment at the time and couldn’t escape because the door and the doorknob were hot to the touch.…
The teen told deputies her mother had been drunk and acting “out of her head” since Friday. She added that her phone rang several times while she was at school, and when she answered, her mother was on the other end “talking out of her head.” She said she told her mother to quit calling, but Stiles continued.
When the girl returned home from school on Tuesday, she said Stiles began yelling at her and four other juveniles in the home for unknown reasons. After being screamed at for several hours, the kid got fed up and called 911.
Deputies say they arrived at the residence to find Stiles belligerent and intoxicated. She allegedly, “could not understand why the Sheriff’s Office was called, could not follow instructions and was talking in circles about unrelated issues.”
Stiles allegedly denied drinking alcohol, stating she was taking several prescription narcotics for various medical issues.
East Brookfield, MA — On October 21, a 3-year-old child was transported by ambulance to the UMass Memorial Medical Center in Worcester after she started “nodding off.’’ Police were notified after hospital staff found a needle mark on the child’s arm and heroin in her system. At that point, the little girl was placed in state custody and authorities began hunting for her mother’s boyfriend, 30-year-old Jeffrey LeBlanc. They caught up with the douchebag last week and arrested him on a probation violation. During questioning, LeBlanc told police the child had been sick, and while under his care, he injected her with heroin because he thought it would make her “feel better.” Seriously, I would’a beat the snot out of him with a stapler about 3.5 seconds after that shit spewed from his pie-hole. Police said LeBlanc told them he had no intention of killing the child and admitted that he’d been using drugs when he gave her the injection. He has since been arraigned on charges of distributing drugs to a minor, assault and battery on a child causing substantial injury, reckless endangerment of a child and being present where heroin is kept.…