DeLand, Florida - When I was just a little Jaded, I wanted to grow up and become a cop. I dreamed of saving the world with my shiny gun and my big-ass flashlight. Now that I’m almost all grown up, I realize that I never would have made it past the first week – I would have had a run-in with the likes of the lovely Julie Hubbard and I would have totally lost my shit. The arrest report would have read, “The cracked bitch spit on my leg, and that’s when I pulled out my big-ass flashlight and lit up her insides. The end.” Julie turned what could have been a simple ticket and a fine into a sputum flinging, name calling, law enforcement officer threatening, clusterfuck. [Read more...]

Carroll, IA – I’d like to give props to Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller for their resourcefulness and ability to think out of the box. I’d like to, but, I can’t. I will, however, give them props for making me laugh so hard I almost tinkled. It’s not every day we get to post a story here at the Dreamin’ Demon that exhibits such a high level of laughable fucktardary. Last Friday evening, police got a call about an attempted break-in. The caller described the suspects as two males with painted faces, both were wearing black hoodies, and it looked like both were armed. The caller reported that the two had just driven off in a large white car. Responding officers spotted a vehicle matching the description of the alleged suspect’s car just a couple of blocks away from the apartment and pulled it over. Just wait till you get a load of their awesome disguises!  [Read more...]

Tulsa, OK - Having spent time in prison for sex crimes against children, Johnnie Joe Hobbs had no desire to revisit the Gray Bar Hotel. As a matter of fact, when the convicted sex offender discovered his parole was about to be revoked, he got a little hot under the collar. Tulsa County sheriff’s deputies paid a visit to Johnnie Joe Thursday afternoon to serve three protective orders – tagging along were officers from the state parole board who were there to haul Johnnie Joe back to the slammer on a parole violation. Officers spotted him sitting in a cargo van parked in his cluttered yard – as they approached the vehicle, Johnnie Joe slammed the door, doused the inside of the van with gasoline and lit it up. [Read more...]

Columbus, OH – She pulled up at Burlington Coat Factory in a Hummer stretch limo on Tuesday. She claimed that she had won $1.5 million in the lottery and dammit, if you wanted a new coat or some clothes, she was buying, as long as you didn’t spend more than $500. She told customers to call their friends and family – get ‘em down here and get ‘em some free clothing – she’d be there with her money until the store closed. And come, they did. One customer said she didn’t need clothes, but needed help with rent. The newly rich philanthropist didn’t even blink as she wrote the check. The customers were piling in – there were about 500 wandering through the aisles and getting their purchases tallied, and there were about 1,000 people outside the store waiting to get in. And everyone got a two new outfits and coats and lived happily ever after – their faith in the kindness of their fellow man restored. The end. Ha! Yeah right. This is the Dreamin’ Demon, fuckers. [Read more...]

Slidell, LA – Over the last couple of months, I have diligently scoured my new home for any signs of peeper activity. I have investigated and caulked every single hole knee-level and up, I have checked for cameras behind my mirrors, I even went as far as poking my head into the attic for a look-see before nailing the damn thing shut. Why, you ask? Because I have this deep fear of being watched and/or videotaped by some skeevy bastard like Aaron Morphis. On October 7, a 28-year-old woman was showering in her grandmother’s shower when she noticed a gap between the ceiling and the shower vent. And, in that gap, she discovered a couple of beady eyes looking back at her. [Read more...]

Stuart, FL – Grace Calabrese and her husband thought they had a really big raccoon in the attic of their condo – they could hear him up there, scuttling and scurrying around. Opening a closet door to gain access to the attic, GraceGrace reviews discovered they didn’t have a critter at all – they had a creepy, tattooed, loser guy crawling around in there. She had but a glimpse of the interloper as she opened the door – a chair attached to a cord was being lowered to the floor from the attic door in the ceiling. At the other end of the cord, a tattooed arm. The arm retreated back into the ceiling once it’s owner realized that Grace was armed with a knife. [Read more...]

Tulsa, OK – Have you ever had one of those days? The kind of day where everything and everyone just annoy the shit out of you? Have you ever been so annoyed and pissed off that you just wanna beat the hell out of someone with a harmonica? No? Am I the only one with that strange urge? Nope. Meet 52-year-old Decai Liu. He must suffer from intermittent harmonicidal urges as well. According to police, Liu’s roommate was preparing for work on SaturdaySaturday reviews when Liu barged into the bathroom and started whalin’ on him with a harmonica. When officers arrived at the home, they found the roommate bleeding from cuts to his head and face – he told police, “I don’t know what his problem was.” (Maybe it wasn’t the roommate he intended to injure, but the harmonica. I feel the same way about banjos – I see or hear one, I want to kick it). Anyway, to make matters worse, Liu put up a fight when it was time to get cuffed and headbutted an officer. Out came the pepper spray – down went Liu. On Thursday, Decai Liu was charged with assault with a dangerous weapon, assaulting an officer, and resisting arrest. Bail was set at $6,500. There is no word on the extent of the roommates injuries. Now, let the puns begin…  [Read more...]

Kissimmee, FL – The guy you see before you, with the bad-ass stripey-head ‘do, is 19-year-old Jonathan Alicea. Much like many of the men we feature here on the Dreamin’ Demon, Jonathan has a girlfriend with a couple of rugrats. And, much like many of the women we feature here, that girlfriend trusted her man with the lives of her children while she went about earning a living. And, like many of the stories we feature here, it doesn’t end well. Jonathan was playing Mr. Mom on Sunday and whipped up some dinner for the kiddos, ages 2 and 6. The 2-year-old may not have been extremely thrilled with Jonathan’s culinary skills and refused to eat. (Dinner was hot dogs and scrambled eggs – doesn’t sound very appetizing to me either). Jonathan was displeased. Already angry at the child’s refusal to eat, his temper boiled over when the kid peed his pants. What Jonathan did next both angers and baffles. [Read more...]

Newberg, Oregon – Hold on to your tummies, Demonites and Denizens – I’m on a vomit-inducing roll this a.m. On September 4th, a 15-year-old girl reported to police that 44-year-old Darrin Daily had plied her with marijuana and alcohol before having sex with her. After obtaining a warrant to search Daily’s home, investigators seized his computer and other media storage devices and discovered the 15-year-old girl wasn’t his only victim. Forensic investigators reportedly found numerous photographs of a 14-year-old girl engaged in sex acts with Daily, as well as with several different adults. There were images of her being raped while tied up. There were images of the young teen having sexual intercourse with a dog. OMFG. That ain’t all, Demonites – there were also pictures of a 4-year-old child being sexually assaulted. [Read more...]

Ocala, FL - I love Floriduh. You couldn’t pay me to live there, but I love it nonetheless. During my time here at the Dreamin’ Demon, Florida has provided me with many entertaining, sometimes gag-inducing stories. And this one, well, that would fall into the gag-inducing category. Please allow me to introduce 41-year-old Venus Lewis. Cute, ain’t she? Ms. Lewis enjoys football, tag, alcohol, and younger men. Much younger men. While attending a teen football game at the E.D. Croskey Recreation Center last SaturdaySaturday reviews, Venus allegedly initiated a rousing game of tag with a couple of teen boys. She laid out the rules: “If I catch ya, I’m gonna have sex with ya.” Simple enough. And I’m sure those lads ran their little legs right off!! (Personally, if Venus was playing that game with me, you can guaran-fucking-tee I would have set a new world land speed record). Weary from the chase, Venus took a breather and chose that little break in the fun and games to drop trou’ and plug her flow hole with a tampon. The stop-leak was in place, but Venus was still all worked up – she needed to relieve some tension, so, she allegedly leaned back on a picnic table and began masturbating. If the teens weren’t already traumatized after having watched the plug insertion, that had to have sent them over the edge. According to police reports, the boys were under the age of 16, and at some point, Venus attempted to grab the underdeveloped package of another young boy. Police believe that alcohol may have played a factor. No. Shit. Venus Lewis was booked on charges of lewd and lascivious exhibition and battery. She is being held on $25,000 bond. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the store for a couple gallons of brainBrain Age reviews bleach. [Read more...]

Phoenix, AZ - A word of warning to all of my Demon friends that possess a peter – please, take a minute to study the mugshot attached to this story. If you, or any of your manly body parts, have had any contact with the beastly oaf, authorities in Arizona and California would like to have a word with you. Furthermore, if you allowed this man to give you a thorough physical and make off with a smidgen of your semen in the hopes of getting some cash, well, you’re screwed! (Literally and figuratively). The man’s name is Jeffrey Graybill, but those who have been screwed may know him as Dr. Robert Richardson. Graybill allegedly set up an ad on CraigslistCraigslist offering to pay Caucasian and Latino suckers men between the ages of 18 – 25 as much as $4,000 to be sperm donors for stem cell and/or other research. And wouldn’t you know it? He got ‘em to bite – hook, line, and sinker. [Read more...]

Eustis, FL – My teen daughters and I share many of the same interests – we have similar taste in music, clothing, books, and movies – and are always borrowing one item or another from each other. Lisa Johnson and her daughter, Jessica Fixl, have something in common as well. His name is Richard Bowman. Lisa and Richard had been living together as a couple for about a year. After Lisa had to go away to serve a stint behind bars, Richard and Jessica ended up doing the nasty. Ya know, it’s one thing to borrow a pair of pants or shoes from your mother, but, borrowing her boyfriend? That’s just gross. When Lisa was released from the Gray Bar Motel a couple weeks ago, she returned home and resumed living with Jessica and Richard. And the rest of the story plays out kinda like an episode of Jerry Springer. [Read more...]

Arlington, TX – Keashia Matthews has squished out a total of five children – but, because she has proven herself to be an idiot shitty mother in the past, she lost custody of two of those children some time back. That left her with three kiddos she needed to care and provide for. A task in itself for a two parent family blessed with functioning brain cells, it must have been quite the uphill battle for the single Keashia. Seeing as how her lovely mugshot is gracing the pages of the Dreamin’ Demon, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that Keashia has a history of neglecting her children. Suzette Edwards, Keashia’s mother, has custody of two of her children, now 14 and 12. Suzette gained custody after the 14-year-old was found alone and malnourished in a rancid apartment as an infant, and has had custody of the 12-year-old since she was born. “She (Keashia) has aggression issues, and she is not fit to be a mother,” Suzette said. “She never has been. She has never liked children.” That is just the tip of the iceberg. [Read more...]

Pompano Beach, FL - Susan Grace was out and about Wednesday at about 5:00 p.m., when she happened upon a rather alarming sight – walking on the side of the road, along the white line, were two little ones just barely out of the toddler stage – one of them dragging a pillow, both barefoot. “I started panicking and I rolled down the window and I’m yelling, ‘Stop, stop,’ and of course, they can’t hear. And traffic’s just whizzing by them,” said Susan, a preschool teacher. She pulled her car over to the side of the road and waited with the kids until law enforcement showed up on scene. Seems the kiddos were on their way to pick up their older sister from school. But, where was mommy? While officers were questioning the kids, ages 3 and 4, one of them let it slip that “Mommy is drunk.” Hehhh…my kiddos had quite the vocabulary at that age, but the word ‘drunk’ wasn’t part of it. [Read more...]