DADE CITY, Florida – Police pulled over a vehicle for not for not having a passenger side headlight. The driver was a very drunk Genoveva Amacenda-Velona, 30. Also in the car with her were two children ages 7 and 9. But that wasn’t it. Beside her was a half-empty bottle of Jose Cuervo and sliced limes on the console. Amacenda-Velona spoke no English, but did relay that she had only drank a few beers at a friends house. Her 0.233 blood-alcohol level told a much different story. She was charged with aggravated child neglect, DUI, not having a valid driver’s license and not having a motor vehicle registration and was being at the Land O’Lakes jail without bail. I see some people calling this setup a rolling bar just because she had some sliced limes? Shit, wait ’til they get a glimpse of the Mojito setup Jaded has in her car. Hell, she has fresh mint growing on the dashboard. Wanna know what my “rolling bar” consisted of? A couple bottles of Night Train. Don’t hate.

Source

Cincinnati, Ohio – On Halloween night, Oxford police officer pulled over 20-year-old James Miller for finding him driving the wrong way down a one-way street with no headlights. As the officer approached Miller was observed stuffing chewing gum in his mouth. He was also wearing an awesome breathalyzer costume. Miller told the officer he had not been drinking that night, but cops found an open beer in the console of his car and beers in the front seat as well as the trunk. Turns out that Miller was almost two times the legal limit, sporting a blood alcohol level of .15. Miller was cited on charges including operating a vehicle while intoxicated, underage possession of alcohol, having an open container and a fake ID, and a one-way street violation. Click on to see him in costume.

Miller is an idiot for driving drunk, but I do love the costume.

Clark County, Wisconsin — Mary Strey, 49, started drinking earlier in the day and after visiting different bars around Neilsville, she had consumed seven or eight brandy and Cokes. But this didn’t stop her from getting behind the wheel of her car and attempt to drive home. But she didn’t make it there as police caught up with her after someone called 911 to report her. They found her parked on the side of the road and officers reported that her speech was slurred,, she stumbled, was swaying back and forth and could not perform the tests. Her blood alcohol level was 0.17. The odd thing about this story is the 911 caller who turned her in. It happened to be Mary Strey herself. After the jump, you can listen to the 911 call in which Strey called to report herself. Which is kinda classic as it includes this exchange:

Dispatch: You behind them?
Mary Strey: No, I am them.
Dispatch: You am them?
Mary Strey: Yes, I am them.
Dispatch: Okay, so you want to call and report you’re driving drunk?
Mary Strey: Yes.

Continue on to listen to the full 911 call.

While I am glad Mary had the common sense to stop and pull over, I am still wondering why she had to get police involved. But I guess that is why we have an Alcohol Related Stupidity category. Praying robbers and drunk drivers who call the cops on themselves. WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!

Mary Strey

Source

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Carroll, IA – I’d like to give props to Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller for their resourcefulness and ability to think out of the box. I’d like to, but, I can’t. I will, however, give them props for making me laugh so hard I almost tinkled. It’s not every day we get to post a story here at the Dreamin’ Demon that exhibits such a high level of laughable fucktardary. Last Friday evening, police got a call about an attempted break-in. The caller described the suspects as two males with painted faces, both were wearing black hoodies, and it looked like both were armed. The caller reported that the two had just driven off in a large white car. Responding officers spotted a vehicle matching the description of the alleged suspect’s car just a couple of blocks away from the apartment and pulled it over. Just wait till you get a load of their awesome disguises! 

Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller

OMFG. Permanent marker. Really? Was that the best you guys could do? It’s almost Halloween for fuck sake, every damn store in the country is just overflowing with masks, costumes, and make-up and you guys Sharpie the shit outta your face? Not only that, but you did a really shitty job of it, too! My grandson colors better than that! These two rank right up there with palm-frond guy and the thong bandits when it comes to dumb disguises. Luckily, neither of the idiots were carrying a weapon.

Matthew McNelly, 23, was charged with second-degree attempted burglary and DUI. Joey Miller is looking at a charge of second-degree attempted burglary as well. Bond was set at $7,500 cash – both posted bond on Monday and were released.

Source | McNelly’s Myspace | Miller’s Myspace (old)

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Charleston, SC – Dash cam footage has been made public detailing City Council Member, Deborah Morinelli, after she drove her SUV into a ditch. The footage shows police removing a bunch of mini-bottles of wine (or as Jaded likes to call them – breakfast) from the vehicle. More disturbing than that is the footage of Morinelli as she wallows in a ditch, drunk off her ass. She attempts to stand several times, but cannot and eventually the police and rescue workers have to carry her. She was charged with driving under the influence and open container in a motor vehicle. She pleaded guilty and had to pay fines that total more than $2,500. Morinelli represents District 2 since 2002 but announced she will not be running for re-election. Watch the video after the jump to see why.

I am not making light of alcoholism. I am sure it sucks. But she wasn’t drunk when she decided to start drinking to the point that she couldn’t even do something as simple as standing and then get behind the wheel of an SUV. If I were a judge and seen this video of a woman wallowing around in a SC ditch like a fucking pig, I’d have revoked her driver’s license on the spot. But that’s just me.

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BETHLEHEM, Pa – Twin brothers Timothy and Thomas Willgruber, both aged 56, had a history of alcohol abuse and drunk driving. But not any longer. Last month the brothers were attending Celtic Fest, and Thomas was trying to help his drunk brother parallel park a minivan. For some drunken reason, Timothy lost control of the vehicle and ended up crushing Thomas’ leg in between the van and a parked SUV. Thomas died 8-hours later. Timothy failed the sobriety test at the scene and it was later revealed he had a blood-alcohol level of .20. Even though Bethlehem police Capt. David Kravatz says Timothy Willgruber was “devastated” after the accident and family members say the brothers were best friends, homicide charges were expected – but now that wont be necessary. Timothy hung himself on Tuesday.

My disdain and hatred of people who drive drunk is pretty well-known around here, and I do feel bad for the friends and family of these two men. But these two had a history of driving drunk. I am not understanding the sympathy that was shown towards Timothy after the accident. Had this been a little girl he crushed to death, or some stranger, people would have been demanding his suicide. Should the law treat people who break laws differently because they may truly be sorry for what they have done? Or that they killed a loved on accidentally in the process?

Willgruber brothers - no idea which is which

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Pompano Beach, FL - Susan Grace was out and about Wednesday at about 5:00 p.m., when she happened upon a rather alarming sight – walking on the side of the road, along the white line, were two little ones just barely out of the toddler stage – one of them dragging a pillow, both barefoot. “I started panicking and I rolled down the window and I’m yelling, ‘Stop, stop,’ and of course, they can’t hear. And traffic’s just whizzing by them,” said Susan, a preschool teacher. She pulled her car over to the side of the road and waited with the kids until law enforcement showed up on scene. Seems the kiddos were on their way to pick up their older sister from school. But, where was mommy? While officers were questioning the kids, ages 3 and 4, one of them let it slip that “Mommy is drunk.” Hehhh…my kiddos had quite the vocabulary at that age, but the word ‘drunk’ wasn’t part of it.

Brenda Duclos

The children’s uncle happened to be driving by the now crowded shoulder and recognized the kiddos. He pulled over to speak with officers and told deputies where mommy lived. When officers arrived at the home they found mommy, 44-year-old Brenda Duclos, passed out cold behind the wheel of the family grocery getter – the engine running. On the seat beside her, four empty wine bottles. Yes, Brenda had been all set to pick her older child up from school when she passed the hell out. The kids, perhaps worried about their sibling getting home safely, climbed out of the mini-van and set out to pick her up themselves. By that time, the older child had already walked to her uncle’s house when it dawned on her that her parental unit wasn’t gonna show.

Brenda refused a breathalyzer at the scene. She told officers that she has a drinking problem (ya think?) and that she had been drinking wine for a good part of the day. But, she adamantly stated that she hadn’t been driving drunk. Um. Granted, she wasn’t actually driving, but sounds to me like she sure as shit planned on it at one point. Brenda’s husband, who had been working at the time, arrived to collect the children and had this to say: “She’s stupid. She did a stupid thing,” before driving off with the kids. He later changed his mind about the stupid part and praised her on her mad motherin’ skills. “I just want to let everyone know, my wife’s not a bad person that’s made out to be like that. She’s a great mom, a great wife. We’re struggling like everyone else has been.” Uh-huh. I was more inclined to agree with him when the word ’stupid’ came into play.

Brenda Duclos spent a day and a half behind bars before bonding out on $5,000. At her first court appearance on Thursday, Judge John Hurley read her the riot act. “Your children were found two miles away from you passed out in your driveway,” he said. “If that’s not a danger to your children, then I don’t know what is, ma’am, short of having a loaded gun with them.” It is reported that the judge also vowed to “personally call the Department of Children & Families to make sure officials were aware of how she endangered her children.” You go, judge! Brenda is being charged with DUI and child neglect. The state of Florida says cops can make an arrest on DUI charges in cases where a person suspected of being impaired is in physical control of a vehicle, even if they are just sitting behind the wheel with the keys in the ignition and/or the engine running.

Source | Source

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Long Beach, California I am not a believer in the “after life” but in case I am totally wrong, I sure hope Neely Dinkins burns in hell soon. He is charged with hitting two toddlers while driving drunk. He drug them both for a block before one of the children, a 2-year-old boy, became dislodged. His 1-year-old sister was not so lucky. She remained lodged in the wheel well of his SUV – still in the wagon she had been sitting in – where she remained even after Dinkins parked his vehicle at his home a mile away. Where he ran inside like a cowardly bitch.

Friday evening these two children, a little 2 year-old boy and his 1 year-old sister, were being pulled in their red wagon by their parents. Using crosswalks are suppose to be fairly safe, no? I mean, cross with caution still, but lights are in your favor, all is good until some drunken form of evil smashes your life forever. I cannot even summon up words to describe the accused. Nothing seems appropriate.

After (allegedly) hitting them, the two children and their wagon became entwined with Dinkin’s SUV. After about a block he stopped, backed his vehicle up a bit and dislodged the 2 year-old boy and part of the wagon. Unfortunately for his 1 year-old sister, it would be another mile before her little body would be discovered in the wheel well.

The witnesses were screaming in total disbelief. Screaming for him to stop. As Dinkins passed another motorist, the child was described as looking like a rag doll…and he was being followed by one witness in another vehicle. Dinkins pulled into his driveway and according to a neighbor, claimed he said, “I think I hit a baby” as he ran through his front door. The neighbor verified the fact this fucker wasn’t lying by walking over to the SUV and seeing the little girl dressed in blue stuck up in there.

Neely Dinkins appeared for his arraignment and officials responsible for transfering him from the jail to the courthouse state he was downright indignant. He was very unapologetic and angry – the two things that haven’t changed since his arrest Friday evening.

Dinkins is no stranger to the legal system. Although his prior arrests have not had to do with previous DUI’s, one of the terms of his probation for drugs was that he abstain from any mood altering substances. (Drugs and/or alcohol) Police state Dinkins’ blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit.

The 2 year-old little boy is alive.

33 year-old Neely Dinkins has been charged with second-degree murder, driving under the influence causing injury and/or death, driving under the influence, hit-and-run causing injury and/or death, and driving on a suspended license. His bail was raised from $100,000 to $1.3 million.

I wish there were less human rights organizations who might be apt to stop the torture of this fucker. After reading this story, no matter what your stance on the death penalty is, I’m fairly confident you are as sickened as I and wish there were some form of justice that would inflict as much pain as Neely has.

Family of slain child, Kaylee Alvarez

Source1 | Source 2

Thanks to Dakota Valkyrie for the story and pictures

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Wantagh, NY – Sister Lauren Hanley, the spiritual development director at St. Frances de Chantal Church, is just brimming with spirit – of the holy kind and of the distilled kind. The naughty nun is facing charges after she allegedly tied one on at church Tuesday evening, polishing off a half-pint of gin, before careening around town in a church owned Toyota. Witnesses report they saw Hanley side-swiping vehicles, zig-zaggin’ around on people’s lawns, and putting the fear of Jaysus into a couple of young neighborhood hellions. The little rascals were playing outside of a home when the flying nun flew past them in her speedy little race car. “She skidded out on the grass, then she came back down at like 55, 60 miles per hour down the street,” said 11-year-old Alex Stein after a near-death experience with the booze-hound. “It was very frightening at first, then you realize you can’t trust anybody.” The fun and games were over when Hanley slammed the car into a tree. Sister Hanley, who blew a 0.18, admitted to officers that she had started tipping the bottle at about 3:00 that afternoon. Officers discovered a plastic water bottle in the back seat of the Toyota that contained a small amount of alcohol. Hanley, 68, was arrested, charged with misdemeanor drunken driving, and released on her own recognizance that same evening. Alex Stein describes the chaos, on video, after the jump.

Source

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TULSA, OK - On Nov 12th, 2007 a woman had a motorcycle accident outside of Backyard Bar. Four people who witnessed the crash ran out to assist her. It is at that point that a drunken Kimberly Graham plowed into the group in her Dodge Ram Pickup, killing ever single one of them. She then did the noble thing and fled the scene leaving them strewn down Memorial Drive to die. She was later arrested after turning herself in and charged with five counts of first-degree manslaughter. On March 12th of this year, jurors convicted Kimberly Graham on all five counts plus one count of leaving the scene of an accident. Yesterday, Judge Thornbrugh sentenced her to 107 years in prison. 20 years for each victim and 7 years for leaving the scene.

DeAnna and Ronny Coatney, Casey Jones, Anita Foote, and Shannon Lacey all died that night because of drunk-driving moron. Most of you know my thoughts on people who kill others while driving drunk (I think they should get murder charges), I am still glad that the jurors agreed with prosecutors on this and that obviously, so did the judge.

Graham’s attorney’s tried to say it wasn’t her fault because all of the victims were crouched low in the dark street, but that contradicted police officer Jason Willingham who said, “This section of road is a decent lit piece of road, short of putting a fire truck out there, I don’t know what else you could do.” Graham even admitted to police that she was drunk and that is why she left the scene, telling officers she had one mixed drink, two shots, and six beers that night. But when she took the stand during the trial (which is never a good thing in cases like this) she told jurors that she was not drunk and had overestimated the amount she drank that night. Right.

She also never apologized or address the victim’s families even though she was given two chances to do so. But who gives a fuck. Let her pay for her mistake and hopefully she will have enough time to think about the damage she has done – including to her own friends and family – while spending the rest of her life in a cell. Hopefully cases like this can get some of you dumb fucks to think twice before endangering my life when you get on the road after drinking. Most of you suck at driving anyway (yeah, you too), the last thing you need is alcohol.

Source

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Green Township, Cincinnati – Here is an idiot for you. At around 9 p.m., 21-year-old Lauren rear-ended David Tewes in a Walgreen’s parking lot. After both got out of their respective vehicles, it was quite apparent that Lauren was shit-faced – her blood alcohol content later determined to be .205. Not wanting to get into any more trouble than she was already in, Lauren did the smart thing and left the scene of the accident. But that was only one of her problems added to her drunken stupidity. The other was the fact that her dumbass got into the vehicle she hit thinking it was hers. Oh, she left her 19-month-old daughter behind in her vehicle as well. She was arrested and charged with child endangering, driving while intoxicated, leaving the scene of an accident, failure to maintain reasonable control of a motor vehicle and a seat belt violation. Video report after the jump.

Source

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Sumner, Nebraska – After researching this story, and playing the scene out in my head a couple of times, I puked in my mouth a little. Ok, it was more than a little. Let me introduce you to Tyler Brockman. On July 4, Brockman was on his way home to Kearney after participating in a rodeo in Sumner. Well, you know how those rodeos are, right? Do you? Cause I sure as hell don’t. I’m assuming that Brockman had either had a drink or seven, is smart as a dog turd, or a combination of both, because he failed to return his horse to his trailer. Not only did he neglect to make sure the animal was secured in the trailer, he neglected to untie the horse from the back of the trailer before he headed home that evening.

Tyler Brockman

Horrified witnesses called 911 later that evening to report the horse had been dragged down the highway behind Brockman’s truck and trailer. “The horse was trying to keep up, but he was tied securely to the trailer and as we were behind him, the horse went down and was dragging. It was dark and the horse had shoes on and sparks where flying everywhere and it was horrific. It was just horrific,” said witness Penny Jeffrey. Her husband, David Jeffrey attempted to pass the truck. Penny rolled her window down and screamed at Brockman, trying to get his attention – he didn’t respond or slow down. They managed to get in front of the truck and force Brockman to stop. “He got out of the truck and instead of running to the back of the trailer, he went to the hitch. And that was it. I just lost it. He was out of it. The horse was down and we figured he was dead,” said Penny. Brockman somehow managed to get the horse into the trailer and continued on his merry, drunken way. Authorities caught up with him later that evening, two counties away, and arrested him on suspicion of DUI. A friend arrived at the scene to take possession of the truck and trailer. That part confuses me a little. How were they able to just drive the truck away with the injured horse in the back? That same evening, Brockman was also cited for cruel neglect of an animal. The horse was found dead two days later.

Tyler Brockman, 21, is set to appear in court for arraignment on July 28. If convicted on the animal cruelty charge, he could be facing up to five years in jail and fines totaling $10,000. “My 16-year-old daughter and my 11-year-old son had to witness that, but it’s also something that we couldn’t turn a blind eye to,” said David. He returned to the scene afterward and estimates the horse was dragged 300 to 400 feet.

Source | Source

Wythe County, VA – After a long and boring day in the town of Taylorsville, North Carolina, Jerry Wayne and his lovely wife Lisa Church Damron must have looked at each other, smiled that sheepish grin, and immediately knew what they needed to do. Things like that happen when you’ve been with someone for a while, you just know what the other is thinking by the look in their eyes. It’s like a light bulb burns out in someone’s brain and the only other one to notice is the significant other who hears the “pop” and smells the faint burning. I was touched to read this story of the closeness of Jerry and Lisa – who decided to take to the highway because their 7 children were gone and they had nothing better to do. There were only a couple of things they needed for their journey, some liquor and that gal they just shot.

Jerry Damon Lisa Damon

Woot! On the road. It’s easy to pick up and do what you want when you don’t have your 7 children to worry about. Well, 6 at present. Last year Jerry and Lisa piled them all in the van and papa, being all drunk and shit, introduced the van to a tree resulting in the death of one child, 8 years old. Being that North Carolina authorities frowned upon that, the rest of the children were removed from the house, he was charged death by a vehicle, DWI and careless and reckless driving. I’m sure glad he was out, able to grieve the loss of his son, and up to performing more antics.

Not learning too many lessons about being drunk and taking to the highway, this grieving set of parents set their sights on West Virginia, which by my calculations (and a little help from Google) was going to be about a 5.5 hour road trip. It’s merely speculation, but I imagine given the fact they were intoxicated and hopefully a little gun shy, the first leg of their journey went without a hitch. That fell apart after a couple hours on the road when they crossed into Virginia. Pulled over for speeding and erratic driving, the sheriff’s deputy smelled alcohol and guess what? Yep. No one was fit to drive that vehicle. It was upon prepping that van for towing that the deputies noticed a red and brown stain on the backseat and what is something that may be related to those stains? Yep, that body wrapped in a blanket and laying back in the cargo area. Even better, they remembered to bring along the guns. My hero of the story, Wythe County Sheriff Douglas King said, “They were in Wythe County no more than five minutes. They came to the wrong place. You’re drunk, speeding and you’ve got a dead body in the back of your van. That’s certainly not rocket science.” How true Sheriff King, how true.

The body was identified as Kelly Ross Lynette Cully and according to a statement by Lisa Damron, Ms. Cully had been dropped off at their house in Taylorsville. Lisa went outside when Kelly and Jerry started arguing and pushing each other. She heard three and four shots from a gun. Once inside, Jerry turned to her and said Kelly was dead and they needed to get rid of the body in West Virginia. (*shrugs shoulders*) They wrapped her body in a blanket, plopped her into their 2002 Ford Windstar and headed North. While authorities searched the Damron’s house, they found blood stains throughout the house and took samples from the rug, the walls, the ceiling, and the furniture. They also removed a couple safes from the house but the contents have not been released.

The Damron’s are being held in Virginia where they’re having to face the charges incurred in that state before they’re extradited back to North Carolina. As you can imagine, the list of charges probably gave the Wythe County deputies writer’s cramp. They are as follows:  (for both) felony transporting a dead body with malicious intent to prevent detection of an unlawful act, (for Jerry)  possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, three charges of having a concealed weapon, and a count of felony assault on a police officer that occurred while he was being jailed. Lisa Damron was also charged with DUI and reckless driving. In North Carolina, they dynamic duo is facing first-degree murder charges.

Source1 | Source2 | Source3

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Onamia, Minnesota is about 32 miles SW of Brainerd, a name made famous for enough of us sick individuals who happened to enjoy the movie Fargo. Onamia has a population of about 850 people and hopefully will be a couple less by the time this story plays out in the courtroom.  The participants are the quintessential features on the Dreamin’ Demon, the kind who fit the prerequisites:  selfish baby abusing motherfuckers with the propensity for criminal stupidity. I’m of course speaking of Lance Ballinger (23) and Kelly Friend, once boyfriend/girlfriend. Right now Lance is in a whole heap of trouble and with crossed fingers, Kelly will soon learn what it’s like when a mother makes shitty decisions regarding her children.

Lance Marshall Ballinger

It all started with Lance throwing a little hissy fit when Kelly was incubating his little seed of hope. Attempting to vet his concerns about what would have been his third child in a calm and rational manner, he punched Kelly in the abdomen and exclaimed he’d rather see it dead than for her to have it. And with that statement Kelly turned and walked away, never to see that piece of shit again.

Oh, this is about Kelly and Lance and not a summation of what I would have done. No, Kelly decided he was the perfect parental unit and they indeed brought this loved child into the world and all was well once and for all. That is, until they had a little soiree at her pad. Being a little liquored up and a bit pissed, the incident of the uterus punching was brought up. Fists flying, babies dropping, this coveted child met the floor abruptly, a couple of times. Somewhat severely because she had to be air lifted to a nearby hospital. Silly Kelly, having the foresight she did, lied to the police and said her precious 17 month old pulled the baby off the couch and it was just the three of them at home at that time.

Now I’m not sure how fucked up of an individual you have to be to live in an apartment complex and not take note of surveillance cameras but apparently the police were just a little more observant. They actually recorded the entire guest list coming and going from that apartment. And Lance was one guest they seemed to take interest in.

Lance, catching the raw part of a shitty deal time and time again through their storybook romance, finally found himself tucked safely away in the jail for nearly two months for domestic abuse/no contact order, gross misdemeanor DUI and misdemeanor domestic assault. The assault victim was of course, his biggest fan. Those 2 months must have been hell on Kelly and absolutely no probation officer was going to keep her away from her man, especially on Father’s Day. After a little “welcome home” smack fest, she left  her baby with Lance, his two other children, and his drunk 14 year old sister. Around midnight Lance called her on the phone telling her that he had reached his threshold of baby fun and for her to come get their daughter. And conveniently, she couldn’t catch a ride but did agree to come around 5 in the morning.

She did just that. Lance was passed out on the bed with the baby beside him. Grabbing baby Tila, she ventured home noticing nothing peculiar. It wasn’t long before law enforcement officers responded to her plea of an unresponsive infant. They also noticed Tila had a bruise on her forehead. Shortly after she arrived at the hospital, 9 month old Tila was pronounced dead. It was only after this child’s death that Kelly decided she should probably come clean about the incidents regarding his history of abuse.

Just a tad too late there Kelly, don’t you think? And just so none of you are truly disappointed, she did use the age old excuse, [he] “is a completely different person when he is consuming alcohol.”  *Sigh* Should have realized that 9 months ago, honey. You’re equally responsible for the death of your daughter.

The entire account is available through the source link at the bottom of this article. There’s so much information written in a nearly impossible-to-follow time line. Lance is facing 13 charges: two counts of felony domestic assault, three counts of neglect of a child, three counts of child endangerment, and one count of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. These are all stemming from the incident surrounding the death of his daughter. Lucky Lance also faces an additional third-degree assault, child endangerment, two counts of domestic assault, all from the November incident when baby Tila suffered a skull fracture.

His MySpace

Her MySpace (private)

Source

And a special thank you to Scorpiogirl who found the article and researched these two fucker’s social networking pages.

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Great Falls, MT – Being from the Midwest means I’ve had to build a tolerance to the many jokes regarding the stereotypical redneck. Well, not so much a tolerance to the jokes but rather: the stereotypical redneck! Here, the mullet haircut is still the most requested $10 style in the “salons”. Busch and Bud are the beers of choice because, by God, this is Anheuser-Busch country. And what the hell is the favorite past time, you ask? NASCAR. (Nothing goes better with Busch products. Think I’m full of shit? Head to their website. “Site contains fishing, hunting, and NASCAR information”)

Michael Dauwalder

I’ve always joked about NASCAR fans and perhaps it’s a personal defect of mine: not being able to understand it as a dynamic and action packed sport. I can neither become excited about the prospect of being a driver going around and around in a circle for an extended amount of time nor sitting in the stands watching the cars go around and around for the same amount of time. What I do enjoy is the three seconds I give the TV channel as I’m flipping through. The camera men and producers never let me down as I await the cars approaching the crowd side of the track and the “human wave” of fans standing whooping it up and saluting their favorite driver with their Busch beers.

Meet Michael Dauwalder, drunk driver extraordinaire.

Friday evening, Michael got a little shit-faced and headed to the parking lot of the local Popcorn Colonel looking for friends. His friending attempt started with asking people to smoke some pot with him, anybody and everybody…ended with nobody. Not one dope smoking fiend took him up his kindly offer. What’s a drunk man to do but step up his attention gathering tricks! Reports to the police state Michael started driving in circles not only exhibiting his steering expertise, but his mathematical skills as well. Each time he passed the South end of the parking lot, he yelled out his lap number. That’s multi-tasking. Damn NASCAR drivers aren’t expected to keep count, they’ve got some overpaid individual in a coveted position waving different colored flags. My buddy Michael is a smart smart man, being able to do all that and remain drunk.

Finally having enough (perhaps he was just dizzy) he asked advice on how to perform a “burnout”. LOL. Michael, I think you’ve already achieved that! With the car still running and his door wide open, he stumbled out and graced a nearby gas station with his presence where the police decided to pay him the attention he earlier craved. “I’m drunk as hell” he told them and promptly asked them to take him to jail. See, I told you he was smart!

NASCAR Dauwalder was charged with a felony DUI Monday as he made is initial appearance in the Cascade County District Court. Damn, I hate it when friend whoring comes at such a cost.

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