Louisville, KY — Meet Jeffery Wagner, carpet muncher extraordinaire. Well, kinda….
Mr. Wagner was taken into custody on various charges after a peculiar incident at a Burlington Coat Factory in Louisville earlier this week.
According to the police report, officers found the 50-year-old Wagner on his hands and knees in the shoe department, picking at lint in the carpet and eating it. Much to my disappointment, he was apparently fully clothed at the time.
When officers made contact with Wagner, they noted his dilated eyes, slurred speech and unsteady gait. A search of his person revealed a little of this and a little of that – officers found bags of Lortabs, some unknown pills, crystal meth and an unknown white powder.
Wagner reportedly admitted to having smoked a little meth before venturing into the department store. He’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance and public intoxication.…
Continue ReadingMan Who Drove Stolen Car Through Active Murder Crime Scene While Masturbating Gets Off
June 12, 2012 at 9:54 am by kniption
Portland, OR – Early last year, Shiloh Hampton, 14, was tragically struck down by gunfire outside a northeast Portland mall. …and of course, we reported it to you. Well… not exactly…
What we reported to you was that – while authorities were cataloging evidence at the secured crime scene – Kevin Signalness, 41, ‘plowed’ into the area they had cordoned off while ‘intoxicated, masturbating to pornography, and driving a stolen car.’ Go Kevin!
Little beyond that was known at the time of our first report. Police reports and court records regarding the incident can now provide us with a more complete picture. For instance, when officers confronted Signalness about his driving while masturbating to pornography, Signalness reportedly replied “You caught me red-handed.”
It’s a good thing that cops love that type of humor! Also, while toxicology tests after the incident established that Signalness had only a blood alcohol level of .02 percent, he was also using methamphetamine and marijuana prior to his fapapalooza.
In September, Signalness was convicted of driving under the influence of intoxicants and unauthorized use of a motor vehicle.…
Continue Reading
Phoenix, AZ - Phoenix police arrested the mother of a 5-week-old baby who was found in a car seat in the middle of a city intersection. This after the mother reportedly forgot that she placed the infant on the roof of the car and drove off.
By all accounts, Catalina Clouser, 19, was already having a rough day. After reportedly smoking marijuana with her boyfriend and others at a city park, she and her boyfriend went on a 11PM beer run. They took her 5-week-old baby along for the ride. During that trip, Clouser’s boyfriend was pulled over and arrested for aggravated DUI.
Understandably distraught, our new mother Clouser drove her baby to her friend’s home to drown her sorrows in ‘one or two more bowls’ of marijuana. According to her friends, Clouser and her baby left around midnight. Police say that Clouser placed the baby’s car seat on the roof of her car and, forgetting about it, got in and drove off.
Despite having survived 5 full weeks with its mother already, the baby – surprisingly – did not manage to hold on through the turn at the corner of 45th Avenue and Cholla Street and ended up in the intersection.…
Continue Reading
Jefferson, OH — A father-of-four has been charged with giving all four of his children Oxycodone in an attempt to trick a drug test and secure more of the drug.
Police said Lawrence E. Kirk Jr., 30, was required to submit a urine test before his Oxy prescription would be renewed. The urine test needed to show that he was not using illegal drugs. Apparently not believing he would pass the screening, he reportedly devised a plan to provide the urine that needed to be Oxy-tainted – but otherwise clean.
Police said Kirk diluted highly addictive Oxycodone in water and then had his 6, 7, 9 and 10 year old children drink the concoction. He then collected their urine and presented it to a doctor as his own. Lest anyone think that Kirk was off on his own in this endeavor… Kirk’s wife, Sarah, 31, who was also implicated in the scheme, has already pleaded guilty to four counts of endangering children.
According to the arrest affidavit, authorities discovered the scam when the children told a social worker that their parents would feed them crushed blue pills in water.…
Continue ReadingMan Awarded $2.3 Million After Suing Attacker Who Cut Off His Penis
December 7, 2011 at 8:57 am by kniption
Canton, NY — A man who was mutilated has been awarded awarded $2.3 million by a state Supreme Court after suing the man who mutilated him. I’d say he earned it, though.
According to court document, 27-year-old Harry E. Klages II had a party at his apartment in Massena, New York in January 2008. Andrew W. Lesperance, 51, attended the party and reportedly only met Klages earlier that night. Police were called after Klages phoned his father to say he had done something “he wasn’t very proud of.”
Responding police would find Lesperance with one eyeball gouged out, the other eyeball sliced, his abdomen cut, his leg nearly severed below his hip, and having had his genitals cut off. All of this courtesy of Klages, who was reported to be intoxicated, high, and ‘possibly using other drugs.’
Klages would later claim that he attacked Lesperance in response to ‘sexual misconduct,’ but prosecutors called “bullshit.” Klages – who was on probation at the time of the attack – would accept a plea deal in 2009 that resulted in a sentence of 38 years in prison.…
Continue ReadingSex Offender Arrested Outside Jewish Community Center With Pants Down
October 7, 2011 at 3:21 pm by Knoxxxious
West Hartford, CT - Four days after being let out of jail, a man on Connecticut’s sex offender list was arrested for getting high on spray paint and actin’ a fool.
Around 9am on Monday, 37-year-old Alexander Robles was outside the Jewish Community Center in Hartford with silver paint on his face. Allegedly, he was knocking on car windows, pulling door handles and yelling at people. Other witnesses say he was standing with his pants pulled down. Police found him with two cans of spray paint in a plastic bag.
“He was not in a good frame of mind,” said Lt Jeremy Clark, which is funny to me since, when I get high on paint, I generally carry on an aggressive yet civil debate on the intricacies of global politics while baking scones as part of my volunteer work with the elderly.
A nearby daycare was put on lock-down since they hadn’t booked ‘Skippy the Pickle-Swinging Clown’ that day. Robles told arresting officers he didn’t know how he ended up in the parking lot and was simply trying to ask for a ride.…
Continue ReadingSentencing Underway For Man Who Incinerated Ex-Girlfriend At Gas Station
October 1, 2011 at 6:04 am by kniption
Bayswater, Australia – The sentencing hearing has begun for David Warwick Hopkins, 42. Hopkins has pleaded guilty to killing his former girlfriend, Nicole Joy Millar, by first stabbing her – and then incinerating her – at a gas station in the early morning of June 1, 2010.
The incident wasn’t entirely without warning. The court heard testimony that, a week earlier, Hopkins had smashed his vehicle into Millar’s and threatened to kill her.
On the morning of June 1, though, Hopkins was reportedly with Millar – filling the tank of her car while she sat inside it. The court account says that Hopkins then leaned in Millar’s car, stabbed Millar in the neck with a knife and sprayed her with gasoline from the nozzle. He then lit her on fire using his cigarette lighter. Millar, engulfed in flames, fell from her burning vehicle. Witnesses – thinking that it was a tragic accident – tried to come to her aid.
Prosecutor John Champion told the court that Hopkins slashed at his own chest with the knife and warned the witnesses that they would be attacked if they approached.…
Continue ReadingWoman Allegedly Takes Naked Men Hostage ‘In Case She Was Raped’
September 12, 2011 at 4:07 am by kniption
Portage, IN — A night out ended poorly when a partially clothed woman – armed with two pistols – made her two male drinking partners strip naked.
According to police, shortly after 9:30 a.m. Sunday, officers were called to a local hotel to investigate a report of shots fired. When they arrived, they reportedly found Stefanie Bradford, 31, outside screaming in a T-Shirt and underwear. Her two drinking partners – brothers – were naked, with one reported to be locked inside the hotel room and the other hiding nearby.
This caught the interest of the responding officers. It must have been a slow day.
All parties agree that they met for the first time at a neighboring bar, Shenanigan’s, on Saturday night. Sometime between midnight and 1 a.m. Sunday, the three of them went back to the hotel to continue drinking.
Bradford told police that a hooker was in the hotel room when they arrived and, so, she immediately wanted to leave – but then she was hit in the head from behind and did not remember anything else until she woke later in the morning.…
Continue ReadingBoy, 12, Charged With DWI After Crime Spree Ends In Rollover Crash
August 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm by Morbid
SANTA FE, N.M. – A rollover crash put an end to a day long crime spree perpetuated by two 15-year-olds and a 12-year-old.
This crash was a footnote to a drug-fueled, crime-filled day for the boys that began early Sunday morning when they stole two bikes from a mobile home.
They then waited for a homeowner to leave so they could use a rock to bust a window and get inside. The trio drove off in a vehicle using a set of keys they snagged from inside the home.
Police were called after the 12-year-old, who was driving, almost hit an off-duty cop in an unmarked vehicle. This led to a high-speed chase that ended with the boy flipping the car.
Police would find stolen electronic equipment in the car along with three stoned boys who admitted they had already sold some of their loot to buy drugs and had been smoking weed right before the crash.
They were all taken to the hospital to treat minor injuries.
Get this… the 12 year-old has been on probation since he was 10 and wears GPS tracking bracelet.…
Continue Reading
CHIMAYO, N.M. — Police have arrested a man after they say he injected his young son with heroin on several occasions.
This all started after the sister of 9-year-old Luke Velasquez’s told her mother that the marks on the boy’s neck came from their father injecting him with heroin. The mother took the boy to the hospital where he tested positive for THC and opiates.
Initially the boy told police that a 15-year-old friend is the one who injected him with heroin, but would later admit that it was his father, Jose Valasquez, who had injected him with the drug at least 10 times. He also told them that his dad let him drink and smoke marijuana.
The sister confirmed her father’s actions and added that her father had offered drugs and alcohol to her as well, but aside from taking drink on one occasion, declined his offers explaining to him that she didn’t need drugs because she had God. Ugh. I once had someone say the same crap to me when I offered her some Boone’s Farm.…
Continue Reading
Hamilton, VA – Late Friday night/early Saturday morning, a Loudoun County Sheriff’s Deputy was heading westbound on Route 704 when he met up with a fire truck, which was–as these vehicles are wont to do–traveling at a high rate of speed.
Uncharacteristically, the officer was forced to veer off into a ditch to avoid a collision with the weaving pumper truck. He then checked for fire calls (there weren’t any), turned his cruiser around, and pulled the truck over. Inside were five volunteer firefighters for the Loudoun County Fire-Rescue system–all of whom had been drinking.
Only the driver–27-year-old Sean Swanson–was arrested. Having failed a field sobriety test, he was taken to the Loudoun Adult Detention Center, where he was charged with DUI and Unauthorized Use of a Vehicle. Swanson ultimately was released on his own recognizance and later resigned from his position, and two of the other firefighters that were in the truck have done so as well.
I wanted to post this partly because (considering there were no collisions, no one was hurt, and this was NOT a truck that was “on duty” at the time) it appeals a bit to that hidden rebel/former adolescent in me: “HELL, YEAH, IT’S NOT GETTING USED!…
Continue ReadingPolice: Baby Found Covered In Dried Feces, Gagged With Used Wipe
September 2, 2010 at 7:37 am by Jaded
Albuquerque, NM – When Michelle Charley failed to show up at school to collect her daughter and nephews Tuesday afternoon, school officials called the safe house where Charley and the children had been staying. Staffers at the safe house were able to reach Charley, but she told them she was too drunk to go anywhere. Knowing the woman had a 6-month-old son, social workers paid a visit to the woman’s apartment to check on the infant. When they couldn’t make contact with her, the police were called. When Officers Joey Tosta and Nick Wheeler arrived at the apartment, they found Charley in the bedroom, highly intoxicated, with a man she had met at a gas station earlier that day. Her infant was reportedly laying on the bed, covered from head to toe in flaky, crusty dried shit. According to authorities, shit had leaked out of the child’s diaper. He had it on his back and stomach, up and down his legs, and in the folds of his neck. The poor kid even had shit on the inside and outside of his eyelids. It also appeared as if he had been gagged with a soiled diaper wipe.…
Continue Reading
Stuart, FL - I am a sucker for an amusing/bizarre mugshot. Out of the hundreds of shots I have collected over the years, Elizabeth Progris’ mug has gotta rate somewhere in my Top 25. The troll doll ‘do’, the facial expression…classic! And the fact that she was busted after a baggy of pills plopped out of her cooter in the jail-house shower is just an added bonus. Though I can’t seem to find any info on the original charges, Progris was being booked into Martin County Jail earlier this month and was asked if she was in possession of anything that would be considered contraband. Progris replied that no, she was not. The booking officer told her that if she was in possession of any illegal items/substance, she would face additional charges and asked if she understood. Once again, Progris denied having anything illegal. She was then escorted to the showers. While drying off, a clear cellophane bag containing several white pills fell from the general area of her snatch.…
Continue Reading
Lorain, OH – Though a crime hasn’t actually been committed, I could not pass this story up. Mostly because I, too, tend to get all nekkid and sleepy when fuggered up – I’m just a bit choosier as to where I lay my head. According to police, an inebriated nekkid man was accidentally ran over and trapped underneath a vehicle while sleeping in an alley last Wednesday night. Robert Biggenow, 24, in town to visit with family members, celebrated the joyous reunion by tossing back a beer or sixteen. When it was time to sleep it off, his family said he went outside and laid down on the front lawn, but then went to the backyard, and that’s where they thought he would stay. Huh. That’s where I make my drunk relatives sleep, too! Instead of passing out in the backyard like he was supposed to, Biggenow stumbled into an alley behind the house and fell asleep there. Shortly thereafter, a man driving a Toyota Corolla pulled into his usual parking spot in the alley.…
Continue Reading
Summerfield, FL - Amanda Branda’s two young sons ran to a neighbors for help last Friday because they couldn’t wake their mother up and thought she might be sick. The neighbor, with the boys in tow, ran to the house to investigate and found Branda had locked herself inside her bedroom. After the boys removed the doorknob from the door, the neighbor could see Branda was out cold. When medical personnel arrived and failed to get a response out of the dazed woman, they kicked in the door. There she lay, her can of Blast Away well within reach. Once they got her on her feet, she was allowed to use the restroom – it was there that a female deputy witnessed her hitting the can again. The boys told officers they had seen their mother huffing from the same can while driving earlier that day. The woman really loves her inhalants – this is her third arrest for inhalation of a chemical substance since April. The last time she was busted, she was found slumped over her steering wheel in a WalMart parking lot.…
Continue Reading
Clinton, CT – Police arrested Kim Marshall and charged her with DUI after a couple of witnesses called 911 to report Marshall’s somewhat erratic driving Saturday afternoon. According to those witnesses, Marshall was following other vehicles too closely and repeatedly slammed on her brakes. Sounds like your normal, every day rush hour behavior to me, but according to police, the inebriated fool drove through a drive-thru with her feet stuck out of the car window, nearly hitting the building. When officers made contact with the woman, she was reportedly incoherent, had difficulty focusing on the officer’s questions and was extremely wobbly on her feet. Though she denied she had been drinking, her BAC told a different story – police say she blew a .406. That’s nearly five times the legal limit for the state of Connecticut and the second highest reading in town history, the highest being a .416. In her possession were Suboxone and Clonazepam. Marshall, reported to be 35 years of age, faces multiple charges including DUI, possession of narcotics, and operating a vehicle under a suspended license.…
Continue Reading
Port Angeles, WA – Huh. I never thought there would be an occasion where I would have to throw all those words together in one sentence. Something new every day here at the Dreamin’ Demon, folks. Police in Port Angeles say 21-year-old Carlton Jeffery Kohnert, while dressed in a child’s banana costume, exposed himself to a woman in a Wendy’s restaurant before driving through the Four Seasons Ranch neighborhood spewing out some kind of white supremacist crap while brandishing a shotgun. Though officers haven’t received any reports of shots having been fired, when Kohnert and his two cronies were pulled over, an officer spotted a couple of shotgun shells sitting on the front seat. Authorities are still waiting on a search warrant for the vehicle. Kohnert couldn’t explain why he was wearing the banana costume, but police believe alcohol may have played a small part in the fashion faux pas. Banana man, who is reportedly in the Marine Reserve, was booked on charges of reckless endangerment, aiming or discharging a weapon and indecent exposure.…
Continue Reading
South Windsor, Conn. – A lot of people are already aware of this, but from my experiences, anyone who is middle-aged and still abusing drugs are a sad lot. They usually operate at a fraction of their potential as they try to hang on to days gone by or follow the vicious circle of abusing drugs and alcohol just to cope with their life corrupted because of drugs and alcohol. But on top of all that, they are usually pretty stupid. Case in point, 43-year-old Kendl Murphy. After a weekend of partying, she made a stop at her local bank’s drive-up teller to make a deposit. What she didn’t realize was that she had forgot to remove the cocaine filled baggie from the deposit envelope she gave them. Bank staff asked Murphy to wait for her transaction, then called police. Murphy was charged with possession of narcotics and released on a $1,000 bond. Police Sgt. Scott Custer said when Murphy was questioned, she admitted the cocaine was hers and that she had forgot it was in the envelope.…
Continue Reading
Houston, Texas – Police have arrested the mother and grandmother of a 14-year-old girl who they say forced the teen to work as a prostitute. Alicia Melchor, 33 and Elizabeth Buford, 55 have both been charged with with compelling prostitution of a minor. Buford was also charged with possessing heroin. The teen told police that the two women pimped her out so that they could use the money to pay for their living expenses. The two women were arrested after the teen got picked up by police while working on the street and led police to the motel where the two other women were staying. It seems that smoking pole for money is a family tradition spanning three generations. The girl’s mother and grandmother each have prostitution convictions going back 20 years. On the bright side, if anyone wants to know what it would feel like to fuck the Cyptkeeper, you now know who to call. …
Continue Reading
St. Augustine, FL- I loathe inebriated dumb-asses who are too stupid to realize when enough is enough. On the night of July 31, 57-year old George McMurrain believed he had a real emergency. He was out of liquor. Gasp! The horror! So McMurrain used the one brain cell he had left and called 911. Not once. Not twice. No, McMurrain called 911 a total of three times that night asking for a ride to the liquor store. After his third call, an officer made his way to the Budget Inn where McMurrain was staying and gave him the ride he needed…which was to jail. McMurrain was arrested and charged with misusing 911. The officer said he found a small amount of marijuana while arresting McMurrain, so the intoxicated idiot was also charged with possession of less than 20 grams of marijuana. Dumb-ass! You can view the transcript and video of one of the 911 calls after the jump. …
Continue Reading
