Police have arrested Joel Lemasters, 26, after they say he threw a peach pie at a woman who refused to give him a cigarette.
According to reports, Lemasters approached the woman at around 8 a.m. and asked to bum a smoke. When she refused, Lemasters got angry and threw a peach pie at her car window and began kicking her vehicle.
“He got really mad and started yelling,” Sgt. Dan Kraus, Clackamas County Sheriff’s Office spokesman said. “Then he wound up and threw a pie at her.”
Police arrived at the scene and found Lemasters trying to assault he woman again. A deputy was able to intervene and throw Lemasters to the ground. He was taken into custody and has been charged with suspicion of harassment, criminal mischief and violating parole from a previous conviction.
Lemasters, who has no permanent address, is currently residing in Clackamas County Jail.…
Saskatoon, Canada — A couple of 20-year-old men are facing charges after an argument over diced onions led to the tossing of a snake at a Saskatoon Tim Hortons. Seriously, have you ever been sooooo mad…. ?
The unidentified men were apparently displeased about the shape of the onions on their breakfast order and an argument ensued. It quickly escalated, as arguments over food often do, and at that point, police say, one of the men did a reach around, stuck his hand into his partner’s pocket and removed a snake. No, not a trouser snake — a garter snake. Because who doesn’t have one of those just hanging around in their pocket? Trouser snake would have made for an interesting story, though….
Anyway, the man threw the snake over the counter and in the general direction of the employees.
There were no reported injuries, and it is unclear as to how many people in the restaurant shit their pants in fear, but it did create a bit of chaos as employees ran screaming from the establishment.…
According to police, Sean Johnson was captured acting all suspicious and stuff on surveillance video Tuesday afternoon. In said video, Johnson is apparently seen approaching the innocent plush toy in the clearance section somewhere near the garden department. He was then seen carrying his new found love to the bedding department.
It was there, police say, that Johnson got busy.
In the surveillance video, Johnson is seen exposing his Johnson and humping the horse — utilizing short, fast movements. When finished, Johnson reportedly shot his load on the horse’s chest. Sated, Johnson placed the stuffed animal on top of a comforter set and exited the store.
I have to assume security personnel were rolling on the floor laughing, while vomiting, maybe, and that’s why they failed to apprehend the plushie fucker before he was able to make it out of the store.…
Pinellas Park, FL — In a video recently posted to LiveLeak, a 41-year-old woman, clad in nothing but a thong, is seen rampaging through a Pinellas County McDonald’s, breaking and throwing shit before eating ice cream straight out of the machine.
According to the fine folks over at WFTS, Susan Suarez walked into the McDonald’s at about 7:00 the evening of March 24th and offered one of the employees oral sex. When the employee refused, Suarez apparently started smashing, ultimately causing more than $10,000 in damage.
In the video, which has since gone viral, Suarez is seen banging her dome on the counter, pushing registers to the floor, throwing food and other items, toppling drink dispensers and repeatedly opening and closing a refrigerator door. The pièce de résistance, though? Sucking ice cream right out of the machine. And ice cream apparently soothes even the most savage of beasts because Suarez cooled her shit right then.
Well, kinda. Police say she put up a bit of a fight while they were trying to detain her, kicking, licking and attempting to kiss the arresting officers.…
Corvallis, OR — The not-so-hot mess to the left is 24-year-old Dawn Lohmann — she was arrested on numerous charges after allegedly going all neanderthal and beating the crap out of a disabled vehicle on I-5 Sunday, as the driver and passenger watched in horror.
The vehicle’s passengers, a 53 and 61-year-old woman, were out doing whatever it is women that age do on a Sunday morning, when their car ran out of gas on the highway. As the two woman dialed for help, Lohmann, barefoot, approached the car.
The two women wisely rolled up the windows and locked the doors. In response, Lohmann reportedly dropped her pants, exposing her lady bits to the women. And then it got weird…..
After dropping trou, Lohmann, barefoot and presumably pantless(?), took off across the highway.
She reappeared just moments later and jumped on the hood of the car. She then began jumping up and down, the women later told police. No word on whether any grunting, growling was involved. Also unknown, whether the words HULK or SMASH was used at any point.…
When police made contact with the alleged pisser, John Posey, he appeared to be intoxicated. His eyes were bloodshot, he was unsteady on his feet, and he apparently reeked of booze. Oh yeah, and his fly was unzipped. Dead giveaway….
Posey initially told police he was just doing a little shopping and denied urinating on stuff. The officer called bullshit after being directed to a large, stinky wet spot on the carpet.
Posey eventually ‘fessed. When questioned as to why he didn’t just use the friggin’ restroom, Posey reportedly stated that “stores usually won’t let you, so I didn’t ask.” And well, he had to “pee bad.” Logic.
A Radio Shack employee told police that Posey caused about $800 in damages – his urine landed on some boxes containing televisions and various audio equipment. In addition to that, some carpet tiles are going to need replacing….…
Clyde, NY – A man who caught four children vandalizing a home and held them in a closet until police arrived, has been charged with four counts of endangering the welfare of a child.
It happened Saturday night when Jesse Daniels had his wife call 911 after he heard loud noises coming from the home next door that he was renovating for his father-in-law. When he went inside the home, he busted four kids, ages eight and ten, doing some major damage to the property. He knew the kids and their parents, and his wife had a minor altercation with them earlier that day when she asked the kids, who were on ATV’s, to get off their property.
Daniels said he took a hammer from one of the kids and then herded them all into a closet until police got there. “So I grab the one hammer and the other three (boys) got hammers, now I don’t know what to do here, I said you guys put that stuff down, what are you doing? …
Seattle, WA – A possible dispute over property lines between neighbors turned dangerous and somewhat hysterical when a 51 year-old Barry Alan Swegle hopped in a bulldozer and started smashing into houses.
Swegle is reported to have a lengthy criminal history which includes public indecency, stalking and burglary. He is also known by his neighbors as the guy who digs random holes with his bulldozer late at night. It would seem it was simply a matter of time before Barry was featured here at the Dreamin’ Demon for something.
One of his neighbors, Barbara Porter, claims she knew this was coming. She states “We all said one of these days Barry is going to take that dang cat and he’s going to start tearing up people’s property and that’s what he did.” Well then. The rampage started sometime around noon on Friday, when Barry decided to play Blastcorps in real life. I hope Joe Lieberman doesn’t hear about this one.
Barry fired up an International Harvester TD-25 and took out his grumpies on his neighbors’ property.…
AUSTIN, TX – Police say they arrested a man who broke into and vandalized a Department of Public Safety’s driver license office , including committing a bit of fecal-graffiti.
Kenneth Vanlue, 40, was arrested and charged with criminal mischief and burglary of a building after approaching troopers investigating a break-in at the office on North Lamar Boulevard, an affidavit said.
According to police, about 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, troopers responded to a reported burglary at the office, where they discovered the front door glass smashed. The windows had been broken with a brake drum, the affidavit said.
When troopers entered the building, they found several items destroyed, extensive damage to the office’s computers and equipment, and the word “surcharge” written in feces on the lobby wall. Yep, sounds like someone with a gripe to me. Or IBS.
The officers also found two severely damaged department vehicles, both with body damage caused by a sharp tool. Trash cans had been used to smash the vehicles’ windows as well as bust up the hoods and trunks, according to the affidavit.…
Corvallis, Oregon — The wide eyed beauty you see here is Miss Jelena Monique Taylor, 44. She likes to party Carrie style. She also apparently enjoys the recreational use of meth and getting her hair and nails did. Oh, and she enjoys getting naked.
Sadly, meth and time do not combine very well. You see, Jelena reportedl went to the salon “The Rage” extra early to make sure she got in. So early, in fact, she literally had to break in. As in the door. With a body part of hers, which made her bleed. But it seems that since meth gives those on it superpowers, Miss Jelena went all Hulk on equipment at the salon and smashed it while bleeding all over everything.
“There were broken vases, and a broken dryer. … The toilet, the shower, everything was covered in blood. It looked like a murder scene,” said salon owner Kayley Kampfer.
Oh, and she did all of this bare assed. I agree with the part where she thought: “fuck my pants” and dropped them.…
New Port Richey, FL – Tony Barney, 31, was arrested on charges of criminal mischief on Tuesday after allegedly demolishing the camper of his neighbor, 52-year-old Curtis Leatherberry (pictured); a man he accused of looking “like he was going to get froggy.”
Now, I’ll admit to a fair amount of confusion, and possibly a modicum of blame for creating some. However, it’s Friday, a slow day in the news, and this story makes absolutely no sense no matter how many times I read it. You’ve been warned.
Curtis Leatherberry, who owns the surname of what is likely the most revolting fictional fruit ever (except for dingleberries, of course), reportedly went to his neighbor’s house and grabbed a pastry and a soda. He claims that this was within the bounds of some sort of agreement the two had. Would that face lie?
Now, I normally include the picture of the perpetrator in my articles but, for obvious reasons, I chose the victim. Tony Barney is not very interesting-looking in my opinion.
At 1:45 in the morning, Barney allegedly went over to the camper in which Leatherberry was living and started an argument with him over the missing food. …
Hawley, PA – Richard Cimino Jr., 20, was arrested on Friday after performing a bizarre string of ludicrous acts, including jumping from a second-story window, injuring himself badly, and then gnawing on a passer-by’s head.
Cimino allegedly parked his car behind a house on Hudson Street, stripped to his underpants, and then proceeded to break into the home. When the resident awoke to the sound of the break-in, Cimino reportedly stripped off his underwear and fled to a vacant house next door, likely realizing how much faster you can run without being encumbered by undergarments. He then walked to the second floor of that house and jumped from a window, severely injuring his arms and legs.
It wasn’t the fall that injured him, apparently, but the landing.
Way bloody, he then reportedly approached Ann Monaghan and Nancy Dean-Corino, who just happened to be walking by. According to police, he attacked Dean-Corino, bled all over her sorry ass, and then gnawed on her head while screaming like an animal. The women managed to escape and call police.…
Salem, NH – Christian Hobbs, 44, was arrested last Tuesday when Tina Iacono, 40, discovered him hiding behind a vent in the bathroom of her trailer home. It is believed that he had been there for two days, spying on Iacono and her toddler son and making cell-phone video of them in various stages of undress, while he masturbated, ate Power Bars, and soiled his fair share of tissues.
Judging from the unbearably sexy footage of the victim’s lower legs, including elegant footwear, in this video, it’s hard to blame him.
Hobbs sold the trailer to Iacono about five years ago. He had expressed some interest in dating her, but Iacono’s feelings were not mutual, perhaps because Hobbs owned the creepy reputation of one who wanders around naked outside his own trailer. However, for some inexplicable reason, Iacono did hire Hobbs to do some renovation work on her home.
It is while he was doing this work that police believe Hobbs surreptitiously cut holes and installed several baby monitors inside the home. …
Montgomery County, TX – Robin Alyse Scott, 21, and Renee Rose Williams, 23, were arrested Tuesday night at around 6:30 PM in an apparent drunken road rage incident that has stupidity written all over it.
The incident started when Anita Beskoon reportedly noticed a Mitsubishi behind her, swerving in and out of lanes, following too closely, and honking the horn. The minivan Beskoon was driving contained four small children at the time. Beskoon reports that the Mitsubishi, ironically bearing the vanity license plate “YAY ME”, bumped her minivan from behind. She pulled over to the side of the road and confronted Scott, the driver, and Williams, the passenger, who were in the offending car. They reportedly began screaming and cursing at Beskoon, who pulled out her cell phone and informed them that she was calling police.
One can only imagine that Beskoon had perhaps inadvertently made a maneuver that displeased the drunken pair, who quickly retreated to their car and drove off. Beskoon got back into her car and began driving as well, only to see the YAY-mobile make another appearance; this time pulling up along side her, the occupants screaming angrily and making obscene gestures.…
Holiday, FL – Holiday sounds like a nice place to cool your heels, knock back a few cocktails, and take a dip in the pool when the sun’s benevolent rays become a tad too intense. But this is Florida, and sometimes it rains…hard…and you can name your town whatever the hell you want, but we all know that crazy doesn’t take holidays in the Sunshine State. Enter Larry Norman Hill, 57, the studious-looking individual pictured to the left.
On Sunday, a pizza delivery woman left her 1999 Pontiac Grand Am where it had stalled in rising floodwaters caused by a fairly vicious storm. That night, neighbors witnessed a completely naked Hill beating the piss out it with what is believed to be a golf club; a gold driver, specifically. He allegedly knocked the side-view mirror off, caved in the roof, ripped a headlight out and, for his pièce de résistance, opened a door and let the water come pouring into the interior.
One neighbor yelled at Hill, telling him to stop and asking him how he would like it if someone did that to his car, to which he responded that he had laid claim to it and that it was now his.…
Palm Bay, FL – Things were getting a little heavy on The Demon today, so I thought it might be a good time to lighten the mood with your feel-good story of the day. Michael Demond Brown, 32, was arrested on Monday after an altercation with his girlfriend that caused police to be called to the scene.
Brown, who, just judging from his picture, has clearly been trained in a number of high-level martial arts, got into a heated argument with his girlfriend; an argument so rife with anguish that he reportedly disconnected the house phone and slammed her cell against a door. Now, if you’re Brown’s girlfriend, you’re probably thinking, “This dude’s going to kill my ass and it’s probably going to be a little horrific.”
You’d be wrong. Brown allegedly proceeded to spray his girlfriend’s feet with pesticide. Yeah, not her hair, her face, or even her ass, but her feet. Like the finely-honed killing machine he likely is, Brown then apparently proceeded to rip at her clothes and undergarments. …
HOOKSETT, NH – 18-year-old Nicholas Richer is an idiot. I just wanted to make that clear before continuing. On Monday, Richer, after reportedly cut another driver off during an illegal lane change maneuver at the Hooksett toll plaza of I-93, exchanged some less-than-congratulatory hand gestures and words with the victim of his vehicular misdeed. We’ve all seen that happen any number of times and, as we know, cooler heads usually prevail and the disagreement ends without incident.
However, according to the police report, Richer made a decision during the minutes-long debacle that almost cost a couple of lives. He reached for a flare gun that he had within arm’s reach for some inexplicable reason, and pointed it out the window at the other driver. No shot was fired at that point, but when he brought the gun back into the car, it discharged, almost striking a 16-year-old passenger seated next to him. The flare struck the windshield, shattering it, and ignited the seat in which the young passenger was sitting.…
Sherman, TX – Adam Mabery, 33, a convicted sex offender from Houston who had recently been released from prison, allegedly broke through a window in his own motel room in the aptly named Executive Inn on Monday, and then strode naked to a Goodwill Thrift Store down the street where he smashed another store window to get inside.
No word on why he didn’t use the door, but I’m guessing it’s because he was batshit crazy at the time.
A clerk at the motel called police after Mabery had broken through the window and cut himself. However, that still left him enough time to enter the Goodwill, don a red, flowery print dress over his birthday suit, and run amok through the store on high heels, splattering blood everywhere. That was the same blood that allowed police to follow his trail from the motel to the store.
Mabery’s bloody fairy dance through the store caused about $30,000 in damage. The carpets, glass counters, and front door all needed to be replaced, eight barrels of unprocessed donations had to be tossed, and a HAZMAT crew was called in to clean up the copious amounts of precious bodily fluids.…