According to police, Sean Johnson was captured acting all suspicious and stuff on surveillance video Tuesday afternoon. In said video, Johnson is apparently seen approaching the innocent plush toy in the clearance section somewhere near the garden department. He was then seen carrying his new found love to the bedding department.
It was there, police say, that Johnson got busy.
In the surveillance video, Johnson is seen exposing his Johnson and humping the horse — utilizing short, fast movements. When finished, Johnson reportedly shot his load on the horse’s chest. Sated, Johnson placed the stuffed animal on top of a comforter set and exited the store.
I have to assume security personnel were rolling on the floor laughing, while vomiting, maybe, and that’s why they failed to apprehend the plushie fucker before he was able to make it out of the store.…
Pinellas Park, FL — In a video recently posted to LiveLeak, a 41-year-old woman, clad in nothing but a thong, is seen rampaging through a Pinellas County McDonald’s, breaking and throwing shit before eating ice cream straight out of the machine.
According to the fine folks over at WFTS, Susan Suarez walked into the McDonald’s at about 7:00 the evening of March 24th and offered one of the employees oral sex. When the employee refused, Suarez apparently started smashing, ultimately causing more than $10,000 in damage.
In the video, which has since gone viral, Suarez is seen banging her dome on the counter, pushing registers to the floor, throwing food and other items, toppling drink dispensers and repeatedly opening and closing a refrigerator door. The pièce de résistance, though? Sucking ice cream right out of the machine. And ice cream apparently soothes even the most savage of beasts because Suarez cooled her shit right then.
Well, kinda. Police say she put up a bit of a fight while they were trying to detain her, kicking, licking and attempting to kiss the arresting officers.…
Corvallis, OR — The not-so-hot mess to the left is 24-year-old Dawn Lohmann — she was arrested on numerous charges after allegedly going all neanderthal and beating the crap out of a disabled vehicle on I-5 Sunday, as the driver and passenger watched in horror.
The vehicle’s passengers, a 53 and 61-year-old woman, were out doing whatever it is women that age do on a Sunday morning, when their car ran out of gas on the highway. As the two woman dialed for help, Lohmann, barefoot, approached the car.
The two women wisely rolled up the windows and locked the doors. In response, Lohmann reportedly dropped her pants, exposing her lady bits to the women. And then it got weird…..
After dropping trou, Lohmann, barefoot and presumably pantless(?), took off across the highway.
She reappeared just moments later and jumped on the hood of the car. She then began jumping up and down, the women later told police. No word on whether any grunting, growling was involved. Also unknown, whether the words HULK or SMASH was used at any point.…
When police made contact with the alleged pisser, John Posey, he appeared to be intoxicated. His eyes were bloodshot, he was unsteady on his feet, and he apparently reeked of booze. Oh yeah, and his fly was unzipped. Dead giveaway….
Posey initially told police he was just doing a little shopping and denied urinating on stuff. The officer called bullshit after being directed to a large, stinky wet spot on the carpet.
Posey eventually ‘fessed. When questioned as to why he didn’t just use the friggin’ restroom, Posey reportedly stated that “stores usually won’t let you, so I didn’t ask.” And well, he had to “pee bad.” Logic.
A Radio Shack employee told police that Posey caused about $800 in damages – his urine landed on some boxes containing televisions and various audio equipment. In addition to that, some carpet tiles are going to need replacing….…
Clyde, NY – A man who caught four children vandalizing a home and held them in a closet until police arrived, has been charged with four counts of endangering the welfare of a child.
It happened Saturday night when Jesse Daniels had his wife call 911 after he heard loud noises coming from the home next door that he was renovating for his father-in-law. When he went inside the home, he busted four kids, ages eight and ten, doing some major damage to the property. He knew the kids and their parents, and his wife had a minor altercation with them earlier that day when she asked the kids, who were on ATV’s, to get off their property.
Daniels said he took a hammer from one of the kids and then herded them all into a closet until police got there. “So I grab the one hammer and the other three (boys) got hammers, now I don’t know what to do here, I said you guys put that stuff down, what are you doing? …
Seattle, WA – A possible dispute over property lines between neighbors turned dangerous and somewhat hysterical when a 51 year-old Barry Alan Swegle hopped in a bulldozer and started smashing into houses.
Swegle is reported to have a lengthy criminal history which includes public indecency, stalking and burglary. He is also known by his neighbors as the guy who digs random holes with his bulldozer late at night. It would seem it was simply a matter of time before Barry was featured here at the Dreamin’ Demon for something.
One of his neighbors, Barbara Porter, claims she knew this was coming. She states “We all said one of these days Barry is going to take that dang cat and he’s going to start tearing up people’s property and that’s what he did.” Well then. The rampage started sometime around noon on Friday, when Barry decided to play Blastcorps in real life. I hope Joe Lieberman doesn’t hear about this one.
Barry fired up an International Harvester TD-25 and took out his grumpies on his neighbors’ property.…
AUSTIN, TX – Police say they arrested a man who broke into and vandalized a Department of Public Safety’s driver license office , including committing a bit of fecal-graffiti.
Kenneth Vanlue, 40, was arrested and charged with criminal mischief and burglary of a building after approaching troopers investigating a break-in at the office on North Lamar Boulevard, an affidavit said.
According to police, about 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, troopers responded to a reported burglary at the office, where they discovered the front door glass smashed. The windows had been broken with a brake drum, the affidavit said.
When troopers entered the building, they found several items destroyed, extensive damage to the office’s computers and equipment, and the word “surcharge” written in feces on the lobby wall. Yep, sounds like someone with a gripe to me. Or IBS.
The officers also found two severely damaged department vehicles, both with body damage caused by a sharp tool. Trash cans had been used to smash the vehicles’ windows as well as bust up the hoods and trunks, according to the affidavit.…
Corvallis, Oregon — The wide eyed beauty you see here is Miss Jelena Monique Taylor, 44. She likes to party Carrie style. She also apparently enjoys the recreational use of meth and getting her hair and nails did. Oh, and she enjoys getting naked.
Sadly, meth and time do not combine very well. You see, Jelena reportedl went to the salon “The Rage” extra early to make sure she got in. So early, in fact, she literally had to break in. As in the door. With a body part of hers, which made her bleed. But it seems that since meth gives those on it superpowers, Miss Jelena went all Hulk on equipment at the salon and smashed it while bleeding all over everything.
“There were broken vases, and a broken dryer. … The toilet, the shower, everything was covered in blood. It looked like a murder scene,” said salon owner Kayley Kampfer.
Oh, and she did all of this bare assed. I agree with the part where she thought: “fuck my pants” and dropped them.…
West Des Moines, IA - An IT worker for Farm Bureau Insurance has turned himself in to West Des Moines Police to face charges of urinating on the office chairs of attractive female coworkers. Raymond Charles Foley, 59, was formally charged this morning.
According to police, Foley worked in the Farm Bureau’s information technology department and had access to all the company’s computers and the employee database.
Farm Bureau officials told police Foley would look up employee photos in the agency’s database. Court documents say that Foley “would pick out the attractive females and then on off-hours, he would come into work, go to their desk, and urinate on their chairs.”
Employees reportedly first started complaining about stains on their chairs in October 2011. Surveillance cameras were installed in February. On March 26, a Farm Bureau vice president told authorities that Foley had been caught on video camera urinating on the office chairs of four female co-workers.
Foley was reportedly relieved of his position with Farm Bureau immediately after the surveillance footage was viewed.…
Ok, he wasn’t totally nekkid….he was wearing a pair of black boots.
According to the police report, 22-year-old Andrew Toothman entered the store early Tuesday morning by breaking the glass in the front door. Once inside, he layered himself in peanut butter and chocolate taken from the shelves.
Police noted the human peanut butter cup also discharged several fire extinguishers throughout the store and wrote “sorry” on the floor with Nyquil.
Store manager David Whitaker estimates the damages are somewhere in the $1,500 range. That’s a lot of Skippy!
Toothman was booked on charges of burglary, criminal mischief and indecent exposure, and has been ordered held on $25,000 bond.
This won’t come as a surprise to some of you, but I have often contemplated beginning my criminal career the same way – with the addition of a few well-placed raisins, a tin foil sword and a riding lawnmower.…
The woman, apparently worried that Jackson may harm the pup, called police on Friday to voice her concern. And while she wasn’t in the apartment that day, Jackson was.
Police have reported that when they arrived at the woman’s apartment, they discovered it had been trashed and many of her belongings were destroyed. Officers found a dead Chihuahua in the washing machine, and believe Jackson had put the dog in the machine while it was still alive.
Jackson, 30, was arrested on the spot and charged with aggravated animal cruelty and criminal mischief, both Class D felonies. He’s been ordered held on $25,000.…
The couple told police the kook, later identified as 28-year-old Matthew Zamora, found the unlit torch in their backyard, entered their home through the back door, walked into their bedroom and proceeded to whack.
“He hit me a half-dozen to a dozen times at least. I lost count,” said Aaron Kirchmann. “He was trying to hurt me. He was really trying.”
Deputies say Kirchmann grabbed a gun from the nightstand and pointed it at Zamora, and though the gun went off during the struggle, the only casualty was the bedroom wall. It was about then that Kirchmann’s wife Mindy reached for the shotgun she sleeps next to and ordered Zamora out of her home.
Zamora then fled to a bathroom in the home, where the Kirchmann’s held him until police arrived. The white-trash Santa was apparently wearing only underwear, socks and a bandana around his neck when he was arrested.…
The incident began at around 3PM last Thursday, when the woman — who, at that time, was fully clothed — walked into Dragon China restaurant and demanded free food after finding the word “free” on the take-out menu.
“She asked the cashier, ‘Everything is for free?’ ” said the restaurant’s owner, Dajo Zhao. When told “no,” Zhou said that the woman then slammed her fingers down on the menu, while screaming, “Free! Free! Free! Free!”
Another customer reportedly told her that she was crazy. In an obvious bid to prove that person wrong, the disgruntled customer started throwing ‘everything she could get her hands on’ and ‘screaming with rage.’ She reportedly moved to the back of the restaurant, where she ‘pushed over equipment, threw food, and punched a chef.’
“I walked in and I saw an old lady trashing the place,” said Noreen Monier, who owns a nearby store.…
According to Flagler County Sheriffs deputies, last Wednesday morning a man pulled up to the RBC Bank drive-thru and asked if the bank sold money orders. The teller told him “no.” The man reportedly mumbled something about bad customer service and, after a short delay, drove away.
Not long after, another customer drove up to the drive-thru and retrieved the tube. The liquid contents of the tube – which the unsuspecting customer reported as smelling like urine – spilled out onto both her and her car. At this point, you could safely say she was pissed.
It was reported that the bank employee who had spoken to the man inspected the tube and ‘determined the liquid to be urine.’ His particular method of forensic analysis was not reported and, so, is left to the imagination.
An investigation is underway.…
Erie, PA — Nathan A. Wingerter, 24, stands accused of breaking into his ex-wife’s home and defecating on her photo identification cards. It was a demoralizing end to what was, quite possibly, a well-planned paramilitary-style operation.
According to court records, Wingerter had argued with his former wife at his home on August 1. Later that morning at her home, the woman reportedly saw Wingerter crawling through her backyard.
The arrest warrant for Wingerter alleges that he disconnected some of the home’s phone lines, climbed onto the home’s porch, and entered a second-floor window ending up – in a manner not reported – in the second-floor bathroom.
It is at this point that we can imagine Ethan Hunt hanging from the ceiling by a wire mere inches above the pressure-sensitive floor…
In the bathroom, Wingerter threw his ex-wife’s photo identification cards into the toilet and proceeded to defecate on them, Erie police said. But, alas, his mental unfurling of that big “Mission Accomplished” banner would prove premature… His ex-wife reportedly entered the bathroom – surprising him mid-crap – and called police.…
Columbus, OH - Alan D. Patton, a 59-year-old drinker of young boy’s piss, is back in custody after violating his probation. He is accused of repeatedly calling, harassing and threatening his probation officer.
Patton also reportedly tested positive for methamphetamine use. For this, Municipal Judge David P. Sunderman has ordered him back to the Delaware County jail where he is being held without bail.
The probation that Patton is serving is part of a sentence in February when Patton was accused of collecting young boys’ urine in a Burger King toilet with the intent to drink it.
Have it your way, Alan…
Patton has a long and distiguished history with Ohio Law Enforcement – with a criminal record dating to 1978. His charges include voyeurism, public indecency, criminal mischief and rape – all apparently related to an admitted urine fetish.
In 1993, Patton was arrested for fondling boys while trying to collect urine at the Magic Mountain Fun Center. He was designated a sex offender when convicted in that case and served nearly five years in prison.…
Bronx, NY — A Bronx man has found himself in a sticky situation after DNA he submitted for a drug-related arrest came back matching that of a serial subway spanker.
The aptly-named Darnell Hardware, 26, was arrested in June of last year on drug charges and submitted a DNA sample. When it was checked against the state’s data base, it matched samples taken from three separate incidents, dating back almost ten years, in which a man painted female subway passengers with his cock-puke. The victims, ranging in age from 17-24 (at the times of the incidents) had come forward with the leftovers, saying that a man had rubbed up against them, masturbated and ejaculated on them… all three on packed subway cars where they say they couldn’t escape.
I would like to take this opportunity to call bullshit on every subway passenger in New York who stands idly by while some creep shoots jizz all over a poor young girl. If there were more stories that matched the word ‘vigilante’, I could stop googling ‘semen’ and ‘assault’.…
South Windsor, CT – Heath Cain, a convicted felon, is back behind bars after police say he entered a woman’s home through an unlocked door Wednesday evening, stood over her bed as she slept and asked to use the restroom when she awoke to find his creepy ass staring at her.
“He said to me, ‘I’m not going to hurt you lady, I just want to use your bathroom,'” said homeowner Pamela Bowen. “I just prayed that I would be OK.”
Fully awake after the bizarre request, Bowen said she followed Cain through her home and into the kitchen, where he stopped to admire the pictures on her fridge before opening the door and helping himself to a nice, cool beverage.
Bowen told police Cain didn’t appear to be to be drunk or under the influence of drugs. Some of the things he said were incoherent, she said, and other times he seemed lucid.
She said she repeatedly asked him to leave the home, but was met with responses like, “Hey, I’d like to buy this house,” and “I used to live here with another family,” and “Someone dropped me off here,” and “Hey, I can’t find my car.” Not his exact words, mind you, but close enough.…